Funeral Question

There isn't... should I do that?

I really appreciate this aspect of A2K, my parents were not big on social graces (mostly purposely, bourgeois yadda yadda) and so while I've picked up a lot I still have gaps. Funerals are one of those gaps evidently.

Another question!

If I do go, what do I wear? I have the feeling that all black is too much... some sort of business/ church clothes, conservative but not too costumey?

I guess I was off beam. This post of yours sounds right.
I'd send the card, they get there when they get there. But never mind, I'm no maven on card placement and timing.

I haven't been to all that many funerals either, and, remember, I'm irish, so one ended on a yacht with a lot of whiskey.

My own parents' funerals were at the least odd at the utmost. I suppose I should start with the short stories, yet to be written.

Then there was my aunt's, the aunt the neighbor took to the trailer in the valley a week before her death and called me to tell me she was the executor.
After all was said and done, I was allowed to be at my aunt's funeral. They buried her not next to her husband. No one listened to me. And that was about all she cared about.

Anyway, let's say I have some purview over all this hazzerai. It's craziness.

Business casual is fine. More subdued colours, all black in not necessary.

If neither of the sisters was a particular friend of mine, if the relationship was more business than friendship, and if I was closer to one sister than the other, I'd send one card to both, addressed to the sister that I'm closer to, offering my condolences to both.

As far as the funeral, I'd probably go, but I would limit my attendance to the service at the church/funeral home, and not attend the actual burial, nor the get-together thereafter, if there was to be one. At every funeral I have been to there has been a guestbook at the door. If the sisters do not see you there, when they look at the guestbook they will know that you were in attendance.

I would wear conservative clothing, not all black.

In my experience, unless it's stipulated that it's a private funeral, it's open to all. No invitations.

Go
Sign the guest book, say hello.
Dress however you feel comfortable.

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As someone that comes from a very large family, as well as a small close knit community....I'd say I've been to well over a hundred funerals...probably closer to 200....well I should say, viewings.....actual funerals not so many, and gravesite ordeals even less, maybe 30.

As a example, one of my greatgrandmothers, when she passed away had 73 living decendants, when you factor in the in-laws and such, the number gets quite high....plus just being from "Mayberry" I know a great deal of people on a very personal level.

I've been a bit of a badboy this year by skipping at least a dozen that I should have attended, but I've had my reasons.

After burying many close relatives, I have to say that I found comfort in the fact that people I hadn't seen in a while, took the time to visit at the wake and perhaps say a prayer. I found it to be a comforting gesture of respect for me and the remaining members of the family. All you have to do is pay your respects, a simple "I know how difficult it is", "I'll keep you in my prayers (only if you find that comfortable)", but just showing up reminds the grieving that others are aware of what they are going thru.

I agree, especially since the daughters did not give u notice of the time
and presumably not the place, either.
U were not responsible for tracking down this information yourself.
If it had been important to his daughters that u attend
then thay shoud not have ignored u.

Let's get this straight:
You are a casual friend and serve on the board with one of them. In addition, this organization has been designated as the recipient for the deceased's memorials.

Yes, you should go.

Who "invites" people to funerals?

You go to show respect to the deceased and his or her family.

Given your circumstances, I hope you went.

You didn't need to send flowers, but if you did I hope you paid for them personally and not through the funds of your organization.

If you didn't go, didn't send flowers, or did but didn't pay for them, it's not a huge deal. Hopefully the sisters weren't making mental notes of who did not attend. I doubt they did.

soz, I might be chiming in too late, but the following is something I heard/read a while ago, and it has always stuck with me....

I believe in always going to the funeral. My father taught me that.


The first time he said it directly to me, I was 16 and trying to get out of going to calling hours for Miss Emerson, my old fifth grade math teacher. I did not want to go. My father was unequivocal. "Dee," he said, "you're going. Always go to the funeral. Do it for the family."

So my dad waited outside while I went in. It was worse than I thought it would be: I was the only kid there. When the condolence line deposited me in front of Miss Emerson's shell-shocked parents, I stammered out, "Sorry about all this," and stalked away. But, for that deeply weird expression of sympathy delivered 20 years ago, Miss Emerson's mother still remembers my name and always says hello with tearing eyes.

That was the first time I went un-chaperoned, but my parents had been taking us kids to funerals and calling hours as a matter of course for years. By the time I was 16, I had been to five or six funerals. I remember two things from the funeral circuit: bottomless dishes of free mints and my father saying on the ride home, "You can't come in without going out, kids. Always go to the funeral."

Sounds simple — when someone dies, get in your car and go to calling hours or the funeral. That, I can do. But I think a personal philosophy of going to funerals means more than that.

"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

2packs and glitterbag mention viewings or wakes. I think the decision to go to the funeral is sometimes dependent on the faith of the deceased and whether or not there are times set aside for paying one's respects before or after the funeral.

Catholics tend to have wakes where more casual acquaintances can pay their respects. Some Protestant faiths do this as well. Jews have a funeral within 24 hours of death and then the family sits shiva for a certain number of days afterward, accepting condolences from friends and acquaintances. In both cases, I think it's more fitting for someone in Soz's position to pay her respects outside of the funeral.

I'm not Catholic or Jewish, but I've been told by those who are that the funeral services are usually attended by those closest to the deceased and others who wish to express condolences in person typically do so during times set up for just that.

definitely not my experience

I wonder if there is some regional / national component to this. I notice that the Canadians posting here have all said 'go' about the funeral. The American responses have been somewhat more mixed - though still with an overall leaning toward 'go'.

I definitely agree with Finn that flowers should not be paid for by the organization that the donations would be going to. Any flowers sent should come from the individual - though overall flowers seem to be much less of a presence at funerals I've attended recently than they were decades ago.

I noticed that too. It certainly could be regional.

I recall my first Catholic funeral experience with the death of the sister of a close friend. They had a funeral mass and visiting hours the night before. I worked with another family friend (she was a close friend of the deceased's mother) who was also Catholic. I asked her if she was planning on attending the funeral. Her jaw dropped and said, "Oh, no! I wouldn't attend the funeral - that's for the family. I'll go to the wake tonight." I had no idea. The thought of an open casket wake was foreign to my family's experiences and I hadn't even considered going to the wake. I went to the funeral, as planned.

Having said that, I don't think anyone keeps score.

I didn't think you were invited to a funeral. I thought you just went if you felt it was appropriate.

I'd agree - as a representitive - and if you cannot, then maybe some one else from your organization should go?

Conservative and I'd tend toward the darker colors - nothing bright and cheerful in other words.

I was catholic. In my experience, people went to the funeral out of respect. The closer people would go to the graveside. I've been to a few "rosaries" the night before, usually quiet lightly attended scenes, and never to a viewing in a funeral parlor, that I remember anyway. Well, maybe once. Have been to one memorable wake - my boss, who had something like eleven children, was present when his wife died in childbirth. Oddly, I don't remember for sure if the baby lived; I think so. My boss was a prominent m.d. It was said you could hear his screams of anguish outside the o.r. A few days later came the wake..
It was a major party, amazing to me then; I had trouble comprehending.
I can't remember if there was a rosary scheduled between the wake and the funeral.
Then the funeral, church packed with people.
If I remember, after graveside some of those people went back to the house again for sandwiches, etc.
So, in that whole scenario, the likely time f0r people who were less close but wanted to pay respects to show up would be the funeral.