abusive dad, don't know what to do

Innie, stay close and true to your friend. Hopefully you will know when the time has come to take action by making a phone call to the hotline. Please don't wait too long. Child abuse just doesn't go away overnight and each episode pushes that child further into an inner grief. Please just don't let your friend suffer too long. My thoughts and support are with you.

One thing you CAN do, Innie, is call the hotline and discuss the situation with someone there - or call your local child welfare authority - without giving any details - and ask about issues like what if your friend denies abuse, how would the situation be addressed etc.

I cannot comment about likely actions and ways of dealing with things where Innie is because I know nothing of that system.

It's my understanding that

a) Innie is only 14. Why are y'all trying to make her feel responsible for the life of someone else?

b) Innie lives in the UK. We, as Americans, have no idea about British childcare services......maybe they really suck? So how can we advise her to contact them?

c) Innie told a responsible adult, i.e. her mother. She really doesn't have to do anything else.

d) No one here knows the real situation. Like for instance, it's possible that the 16 year-old guy is describing himself as a victim to get Innie's sympathy and maybe even more than that?

e) Does this guy cut himself in her presence, which is a form of peer-abuse calculated to frighten her?

f) Could it be that the 16 year-old guy is perhaps even lying to Innie about his father's beatings, because that's his way of making himself feel important?

katya8, could it also be that innie made a perfectly honest post here, and that this particular forum (Relationships and Marriage) is not really about debate, but about giving the best advice possible? No offence, but innie really seems scared here, and your accusations are really unwelcome. It is the nature of the 'net to not know the whole story, but quite frankly, if someone here asks for help, we give it to the best of our abilities. Period.

We are never to young to feel responbility for someone or thier life.
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You're right but a school counsellor might also be informed for a professional opinion. Maybe his mother is as scared to get involved, maybe not.

I think you could have asked one question, defffff. What if he's lying?
but here goes.......

Yup, but agian wouldn't it be better for a specialist to investigate than it worry a 14 yr old?

Again, a proffessional would have a better idea but you have a pretty active imagination.

Sure, but again, it shouldn't be up to innie to investigate, if she takes the kid at his word, her duty as with anyone else is to get him help. A child worker can determine the truth. If the kid is lying it will be discovered, but if not, well one more idiot can't hurt his kid tonight.

Wow, I really thought that Innie wanted some solid, sane, reasonable advice. None of us know the whole story but where I come from when someone extends a hand asking for help, my heart tells me to answer with compassion. I hope that everyone continues to give Innie support, good advice and guidance until Innie tells us that it is no longer needed.

Innie does want that, froggy, and most of us will continue to give her that.

katya, i dont live in the UK... i live is ohio, which is an american state also, i understand what ur getting at.. and just so u kno he has never cut in front of me.. and i know his parents are not good people because he wasnt allowed to talk to me for a year because they considered me too liberal--since i used to like the group nsync. they are very protective, and from the way his 3 older brothers have turned out... its obvious his parents are not the sanest.

to everyone else... my mom is really trying to help alot, she keeps trying to thikn up new things we could do to help and stuff... and he may be spending the night this upcoming week--which i didnt think was soon enough but my mum seems to think its okay

i am going to call the hotrline and ask for advice/help/answers from them wthout giving out information about my friend...

so hopefuly that will help



i have been on two other forums about this and everyone always ignored my post...

thanks so so much

innie
It's great that you have your mom there helping you with this situation. It must take a huge burden off you, so now you can work together to help your friend.

You won't be ignored here ;-)

Definitely not.

I think that's a great idea to call the hotline yourself, have some of your questions answered.

(No need to answer, but for some reason I thought you were a guy, not a girl.)

Geez, y'all don't have to get so annoyed with me for stating that giving advice and repeatedly pushing someone towards specific actions without first asking the necessary questions that, if answered, might shed some light on the situation, is really to not respect the person you're advising?

Yes?

No?

innie everyone here has given you good advice, particularly michael Allen. I think you should describe the situation and give your friends name to the hot line councilor and let events take their course.

I'm concerned that if she calls the hot line without giving specifics they will think she is calling about herself not her friend, which could misdirect and/or delay help.

I really don't think that would be an issue, Acquiunk. This is not my field, but I have worked in closely allied fields, and they just won't take action based on an unsubstantiated hunch ("oh, your friend, eh?").

The problem with actions just taking their course is that they have, and things don't look good for innie's friend. I forget the formal terms for this, but in ethics there are bad actions, neutral actions, and good actions. Innie can do nothing, that would be neutral, that would be OK. The friend is not innie's responsibility, the way he would be if he was his/her son for example. But the GOOD ethical action, from what I have read here, is that if the friend won't do something himself, innie does it for him.

absolutely sozobe, I think innie should take action and immediately.

In Connecticut they often will act on an unsubstantiated hunch. The state social services agency(DCFS) is under Federal supervision at the moment because of criminal ineffectiveness and they are now over reacting.

Innie - you called yor mother "Mum" so that's why I thought you were British. And I think you're a kind, caring person, OK?



Ceill - I never thought, and certainly never implied, that Innie didn't post the truth. Only that every situation has more than a dozen layers of reality and that one ought not to presume to know what's really happening without some inquiry.

Also: Innie cannot contact her school psychologist about this matter, as she is home-schooled.

Yes inquiry is neccessary but it's not a 14 yr old job to take on the discovery, but a profesionals. They are equiped to handle all situations.
Is the boy homeschooled or does he go to school. The counsellor wasn't for her but rather to watch him and his progression or decline.

the boy is homeschooled.

katya, i understand how u could come to that conclusion-- i have some british friends and when im around them i get into a pattern of saying "mum" and it takes a day to wear off :p so when i say "mum" its just because it's stuck in my head haha


im calling the hotline tonight, not to give out information... jus to get informaton... ::crosses fingers::

innie- Good for you!

Hey, we are here for you. You are doing the right thing. You are a good , caring friend!

Let us know how it goes!

(I thought innie was a guy too, maybe because of the stay-overs)

innie
Good luck.