abusive dad, don't know what to do

Bottom line, his father needs to be stopped.
No one should suffer in silence or otherwise. This man is abusive and shouldn't be around children adopted or natural. Your friend needs help and sometimes a friend needs to make the hard decisions. Be that friend. Take care of your friend.
If your friend sees love and compassion from you and the proper authorities, family and neighbours - you may break the chain of violence. If not, your friend is in for a lifetime of heartbreak.
Stop the circle and pick up the phone.

innie
There isn't much more I can say since you've already gotten all the advice I was going to give, but I just want you to know that I support the others in saying that you need to help your friend and to let you know that we are all here to support you.

My heart goes out to you and your friend.

there's masses of really good advice here - please take it and help your friend.

it won't be totally obvious that it was you who reported it - surely neighbours must be aware of what is happening?

an abusive trog like your friends dad, needs to be stopped , not only to prevent serious physical damage, but , you see what his physical threats are doing to you as well as your friend.
aS you grow you will learn that you must often 'do the right thing" despite your own fear. as cav said , the law must be notified. Men who do this are just cowards who need to express their own lack of control by taking their frustration out on someone less powerful.
A sad thing is, if this isnt stopped,your friend will be a prime candidate to continue this family trait of cowardly behavior, and he will probably do it to his own family because thats what he learned as a kid at home. In our defense i must affirm that most men are caring, loving fathers, fun loving who carefully meter out discipline in such a way that it becomes a positive reinforcement in a kids life. A father should bear the responsibilty to give his son roots, that he may respect all in his family-- and wings, so he may fly and do great things. Nowhere does that responsibility include physical violence, no where.


celebrate your friends birthday , then you must drop a dime on your friends cowardly abusive dad. whether you like it or not, you are involved.

So making the correct decision may, as Michael Allen said, present temporary risks to your friendship now. Remember, its not about YOU, its about a friends safety. I know its tough BUT , it will be one of your first acts as a responsible adult., and, im certain you and your friend will remember this years from now , as an act that really cemented your bonds of friendship and was your personal doorway to adulthood.
Hey, it aint easy bein a grownup, but i think youll do great.

Farmerman- You are showing your vintage. Innie is a very young person. He may not understand what "drop a dime" means.

Innie- "Drop a dime" refers to the time when a pay phone call cost ten cents. You literally "dropped a dime" into the phone slot to make a call.

So what he is saying, is that you should make the call. I heartily agree. And I also agree that it IS an adult decision, and one of which you can later be proud!

Has anyone considered his life may be worse after this happens? Life in the state sponsered homes can be worse than getting slugged--as awful as that sounds.

Sofia- This is not simply a matter of getting beaned once in awhile. That dog of a father threw a boy down concrete stairs. He could have been killed. The man is totally out of control, and violence characteristically escalates.

Innie says that his friend cuts himself, and hardly eats. The friend needs therapy fast, before he becomes a complete basket case.

He is in a noxious environment, and needs help before he is either hurt, or does damage to himself.

I know.
I can't help but think of how horrible the intervention is--and how alone he'll be ... Wish he could get help before the intervention to strengthen him for what is to come.

Hope innie will visit him and keep close contact after he's removed. Many of the facilities these children are removed to are as bad as the home they're removed from. I wish he could come live with me.

there can be no alternative to extracting this kid from a clear and present danger. innie is going to be a great , brave friend who will pick up his cell phone and call for help to save his friend.

"DOG OF A FATHER"--that is a cruel smack on dogs Phoenix.

One thing, innie, is that your friend saying that things are getting better and if you call you'll screw it up - that's classic battered person behavior. See, it's a vicious cycle of codependency. The abuser hits, for whatever reason or no reason. The battered person (spouse or child) then rationalizes what happened. "I deserved it." "I spilled the coffee." "I looked at another man for more than five seconds." "I spent money on shoes for the kids." "I went out and got a job." etc. All of these are ways of saying "I was bad. I didn't do what the abuser wanted me to."

The abuser not only hits but also, classically, adds psychological abuse - enough abuse that the victim feels he or she did something wrong and deserved ill treatment or punishment. Even if/when the victim does nothing that could by any stretch of the imagination be construed as being wrong, the victim may say to himself or herself - "I must have done something wrong. Now, if I could only figure out what that was." And then the victim scans his or her past few days or weeks and comes up with some sort of a justification for the punishment. And this repeats the cycle, because the victim feels that the reason they were punished is somehow valid, so the victim doesn't get angry about the abuse.

Another piece of it - which may or may not be happening here - is that victims (often this is the case with spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends) may also justify abuse in their minds as a justification for being loyal to the abuser. See, a woman trying to get away from her parents' authority might justify abuse because she doesn't want to admit to anyone that she made a bad choice of boyfriend or husband. So that's another area where this psychological game is played. The victim is feeling vulnerable in this area and the victim adds to his or her own vulnerability by adding a dimension of justification that is attached to the victim's feelings of self-worth.

The bottom line is, if serious things happen (and they already have), you'll regret not doing something. You'll regret it now and you'll regret it later. You can do this anonymously. Even if your friend has never breathed a word of this to anyone else, it cannot necessarily be pinned on you as having been the person who told. Teachers may be seeing possible abuse and are unsure about reporting it. Doctors may be seeing injuries and behaviors. And not just from your friend - from his brothers as well.

It's a very brave and mature thing to do. You can do it, hon.

Innie, it sure sounds like you've got an ugly choice to make. If you really believe your friend is in danger, than you know what you have to do. Consider what it will be like looking in the mirror every morning if you ignore it and something horrible does happen. If you believe your friend is serious about his suicide threat, then this too, needs to be reported. Any mention of suicide, even in jest, can be cry for help. Know when you do this, that no matter how it turns out; you have done the right thing. No matter what happens, this kid's father is the villain, not you, and he carries 100% of the blame. The older you get; the more people you care about are going to die. Life is a terminal event. All you can do, is whatever you can do to help. And that you must do. MAKE THE CALL.

I speak from experience, having had an abusive step father. The sooner you speak out the better. Don't let anything stop you from making the call suggested earlier. People like your friend's father get progressively more violent until they kill someone or at least damage them for life. Please don't wait another day.

heart broken
you're friend is 'hurting' very deeply he fills all alone,and you must be very important to him,for him to trust telling you. he is crying out for help,and doesn;t want anyone to know out of a few reason's.
shame,fear,confused,guilt,not being loved,fear of change,[and yes not being loved by his dad and mom]and you should get him help,he sounds like he needs help bad and ''now''[ IT MAY BE TO LATE IF YOU WAIT!!!]but you have to be careful where you go for help some people want to just rush in and take the child away and put them in a home and then the child will fill alone and unwanted.go to the police and explain what is going on with this young boy, and what the boy told you about killing him self if you tell anyone.they will be able to help you.this will have to be handled carefully by the write authorities.but son they will help
[don't let your friend know you are doing it ]please help him!!!!
trust me he is crying to you for help,i know i was abused as a child it was a night mare.know one to help me and im a basic case to day for not getting help. ]alchole dad.sex malleser grandpa].you may could go to the canceler at school and talk privately to them and just stress how you do not want your friend to know you reported it,but tell them just word to word what your friend his going through and about he will kill his self if any one knows.[also let them know he is cutting his self] he is trying to cut out the pain. ''please help your friend'' and it want be you're fault what ever happens at least you tryed but if he died with out you trying to help [you will hate your self]. it makes me so angry that some one can do their on child that way!!!!!!!
what is you're parents like? could you talk to them,and maybe they can help or your preacher.[JUST REMMEBER ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO STRESS TO WHO EVER YOU TALK TO EVERY THING THIS YOUNG BOY HAS STRESSED TO YOU''EVERYTHING''


IM GOING TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO ON THIS END TO HELP?
MY HEART HURTS FOR BOTH OF YOU.
CARING FRAN

innie, my heart aches for you and your friend. However, it is essential to save this boy's life. When a child confides something like this, that child is asking for help. To turn away in fear, to follow the path of inaction is always easy in the beginning. Later though you could be haunted with the knowingness that you could have made a positive and lifesaving impact on someone else's life but didn't--and he suffered. A child suffering physical or emotional pain is a tragedy that must be remedied. It takes a strong person to act in the face of fear. You concern indicates to me that you probably have the strength to help this boy. This boy is a victim. You are witness to his words. He has confided in you. Make an anonymous call, make many anonymous calls to the places suggested above, to his school, to his place of worship, to law enforcement, and to any groups that you know he belongs to and someone is bound to take action. You can be the domino that sets a whole range of actions in motion for the good of your friend. There is no reason to wait when your friend is in pain.

Innie - lots of right, good advice here. Take it from someone who's been in a similar situation - make the call.

75% of my friends cut.. i have never thought of that as a big deal though, practically all the teens i know cut :-/



i'm gonna tell my mum what has been going on with my friend... she's really level headed about this sort of thing and i'll feel safer knowing i have an adult that knows my friend instead of an authority that doesn't know my friend at all...

i urged my friend to tell someone about his agressive dad and self mutilation... and now every time i talk to him he emphasizes how much he loves his parents and how much they love him...


i will definitly tell my mum though.

thank you for all the advice and encouragement i am very grateful, any further comments will also be appreciated...

happy holidays
innie

Very good for you innie! The important thing is to confide this in someone you trust. I'm happy to hear that you are going to take some action. You are a brave and true friend for doing this. Hopefully your mum will know what to do. If she doesn't then this will fall onto you again, and you've learned here that you should do something more. From what I've read from the other posts, I believe you have a lot of support and encouragement here.

Innie, calling to get this kid some help might be the best thing you will ever do, it will not only help him but also help you. I'm sorry if I'm reading wrong but from what I've seen, you need some comforting also. Even though some of us are half of a world away, we still empathise with you.

innie, cutting isn't the worst thing in the world. In some cases it just kills the pain enuf for a person to deal... but in your friend's case, I think he's in too deep... being asked to deal with pain no-one should have to live with.

I'm a mom myself, and it pleases me no end that you're going to tell your mum and let her help you and your friend in this situation. It's so good that you know she will help you any way she can. I'm sure, too, that your friend loves his parents and believes they love him, but they are not behaving in a loving way.

I truly hope that you, and others, can protect your friend and help him (and his family, if possible) to health and peace.

Innie! Today's the day!