Unwanted staring at the workplace?

You're smart, don't ignore you instincts, they are your best defense. Keep your antennae up. This man is not acting within the social normal. Try not to be alone around work until this get settled to your satisfaction. I hope you have a great weekend without too much worry.

I just found this thread. I think it's awful that this guy was fingered to HR. I guess I have a minority opinion (SURPRISE!). I've often told men who were trying to meet someone they were attracted to to get eye-contact... Although this guy was persistent in a creepy way, it appears he's done nothing wrong (in his mind and mine...) but be a bit creepy unintentionally.

This reminds me of so many sexual harassment cases, wherein the guy has no clue that he's causing true discomfort.

I think it is incumbent upon the woman in such a case to inform the guy before making any formal complaint. Now, he has a record with HR and at this point, that seems horribly unfair.

Although the deed is done, I would have suggested writing him a brief note - photo-copying it for possibly future report to HR, which stated:

I have noticed over the period of a week that you are staring at me during lunch. This is a formal personal complaint to you that your behavior is frightening me and is completely unwelcome. If you cease this behavior immediately and never repeat it, this is the last you'll hear about it. However, I have copied this note and will aggressively seek relief through HR if you do not immediately cease.

One day after being stared at, I would drop the folded note on the table in front of him as I passed by. No words.

At any rate, I hope the issue has ended for you...and him.

You drop notes, and not barbells?
How civilized. I still like my responses better. I usually get immediate reactions.

Phil, you have GOT to be kidding? If this behavior DID work into a stalking situation, spidergal giving him a photo would seem to ask for it.

I'm sure you think it's a cute response, but fraught with problems.

I do think he was trying to meet her, or just thought she was beautiful.

I posted twice, did you see the other? jThe sex change thingy I actually did?

See your message Inbox.

What I find kinda disturbing in here is that there's some sort of belief that wearing glasses would instantly render spidergal unattractive. Helfino if that was meant to be a joke, but really, she was upset. And, sheesh, is this the era of Diana Prince taking off her dowdy glasses and instantly somehow being transformed into Wonder Woman? Weird and not very nice to those of us who do wear specs.

And, to take the personal element out of it, the suggestion re changing appearance seems akin to telling a rape victim that she shouldn't have been wearing such provocative clothing. First off, spidey isn't wearing anything provocative and, even if she was, is that not her right to do so without being bothered? And attracting wanted attention is not what is happening here -- this is unwanted attention.

Lastly, even if it's not spidey being stared at, it may be someone else in her group who's being stared at, perhaps someone who is unaware or uncomfortable mentioning this. It's within spidey's rights to talk to HR. That's what HR is for.

You know what?
I don't buy for a minute that a man has no clue he is causing discomfort.

I think they say that because it gets them off the hook.

spidergal is filing a sexual harrassment suit, but she did exactly what she should have, to protect herself.

Approaching him could just fuel the fire.
Yes, I said "could"

If the man meant no harm, well now he knows not to stare in that way. I absolutely do not believe he has never stared at someone else and made them uncomfortable before, not the way sg described him.

If he means harm, or is obessessed, sg needs to stay away from him.

These are exactly the sentiments i had after i read that idiotic "sexy librarian" remark. So many of the responses from men in this thread have not been serious, and have made a joke out of what is a very distrubing situation for a woman.

I don't see how my suggestion wouldn't have made it clear to him that she was serious about him stopping - without opening an HR case. Dropping a note as she walked by in a crowded lunchroom isn't a risky encounter. It is a very low-level response without screwing up the life of a guy who may be innocent of everything but gawkiness where approaching women is concerned.

I am from the school of starting with small responses before escalation.

Trying to say just because "you believe" he had bad intentions, serious action is merited seems wrong to me. If he continued after such a warning, she'd KNOW to proceed with both guns blazing.

part of the problem is that workplace sexual harassment protection is comparatively new in India

so new that the a law addressing this is in the process of being framed

http://sify.com/news/law-to-protect-women-from-workplace-harassment-soon-news-national-kk2s4saahaf.html

spidergal's options are different than those available to most of us posting in the thread

she also faces different threats than we do - her comment re acid attacks is noted

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=13760338

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/kolkata-/Six-women-injured-after-acid-attack-on-local-train/articleshow/6296192.cms

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/site/Story/114252/India/police-party-comes-under-acid-attack-from-women.html

I looked back to see if spidergal had said anything about acid attacks, and didn't see anything.

You were correct that my answer was American-centric, as I also didn't see that she was writing from India. AND, I had no idea that she didn't have Sexual Harassment law to rely on. I was only operating from information within this thread.

However, in light of all this, if she planned to go to HR at all - I still don't see why she couldn't have made sure he knew his staring was unwelcome before that conversation.

Still, very appreciative of backgrounding. I don't pretend to be aware of pertinent cultural affects to this issue. I'll go back and read what you have said, looking for a primer. Chilling articles!

Good grief, thanks Set. I think I must have mentally checked out after - "he looks like a psychopath," which worries me about how I read. I think I must have discounted the rest of what she was going to say subconsciously. I remember pausing over that and being really put off by it. Must have never moved past it - to my detriment. My apologies.


...and yes. It would change my response. Dramatically.

Ok, I can see where you're coming from. Actually, I meant to ask spidergal before if when she catches him staring, she gives him a "dirty look", meaning a look that indicates his attention isn't welcome.

I too, don't know about the culture, to say if that is even something that would occur to her.

In this country, if a guy was staring, not just once, but every time he's there with her, and she after giving him a few chances to stop on his own, gives him a look that definately indicates "stop staring at me"....I consider that his warning.
I do not think it's necessary to actually converse with him, or give him a note. Even though she may not be able to definately tell whether is look is off attractive or obsession, the look she gives him can definately say STOP THAT!
If he hasn't, I'm not for inching up to the next step....as Barny Fife says "nip it! Nip it in the bud!"

this could be enough to provoke an attack

we're talking about very different cultural protocols

this was referenced in talk72000's c0mment re Bollywood movies and my response that he was likely onto something with it

I shouldn't have assumed everyone knew what that little exchange was about. My comments to cultural differences might have made more sense to other posters with that information.

And that is why my next sentence read....I too, don't know about the culture, to say if that is even something that would occur to her. and then I continued to say "In this country...."

You see, I thought also that in her culture, that might put her in danger.

ehbeth, please, if you're going to quote me, also quote what else I said that tempers the words you pick out.

I'm not a complete moron.
To spell it out, in spidergals culture, giving someone a dirty look may not be something that would enter her mind, it would be unthinkable.
Yes, to do so might escalate the situation. In this country it might be a way to cut the guy short. In her country, no.

Well, to put it in perspective, women are very poorly treated in the subcontinent. It is so bad, that there is a big business in clinics which perform ultrasound and will immediately perform abortions if it is revealed that a fetus is female. Makes ya think . . .

...foiled by ignore feature...