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Wed 22 Sep, 2010 11:36 pm
Hi you all
I have a serious problem which is bothering me for months.
3 Years ago, I met a woman from Canada, during my 6 months sabbatical here in Canada. I'm living in Europe. Shortly before my sabbatical, my then partner and I decided to split up. We both still have contact every now and then and we respect each other, also because she has a daughter of 17 years and her daughter Sibille means a lot to me. She's not my biological daughter though, I met my former partner when her daugther was 4 years old.
On holidays like Christmas or easter, my expartner and her daugther usually invite me over for lunch and then we chat a little bit alltogether and play cardbordgames.
Now with my new partner from Canada, I actually want to invite her to my country in Europe. So far, it was always me coming over to Canada.
The problem I'm facing is, that my new partner has a very strong aversion against my expartner and my rare contacts to her in general. To be clear, I don't visit them a lot. That's probably every two months or on holidays like easter and christmas.
My new partner wants me to completely blank out my former partner. Meaning she wants me to completey stay away from the apartement where my former partner and her daughter live. Even phone calls are very difficult for my new partner to accept. If my former partner wants to ask me something regarding her daughter, that wouldn't be possible anymore. I guess it has to do that my new partner can't understand what we are talking about on the phone. If I want to call my stepdaughter Sibille, my new partner suggested that I call her on her mobile phone instead of their home line. She is afraid that I would get her mother on the line.
My new partner from Canada hates my ex-partner as she told me, even though she has never seen her and never talked to her. All because she knows that I still have some contact with my former partner. On one hand, I can understand my new partner, as she was never in my country yet and it's probably very difficult to trust from a long distance.
My point is, a daughter has always a mother. And as long Sibille lives with her mother, I can't completely blank out and abandon her mother. That's simply not possible and I don't even want to completely avoid my former partner as we still respect each other.
My new partner tells me that it's not about the daugther, that it's about her mother. I know it wouldn't work trying to maintain contact with her daughter and avoid her mother completely.
For my expartners daugther Sibille, it's important, even tough she's already 17 years old, to have a contact to another adult like me as she told once. As she has lost contact with her biological father. And she really suffered from that, not having contact with her biological father anymore. Therefore, it's even more important for me to take responsability and give Sibille the security she needs, and that involves as well dealing with her mother and my former expartner.
I just want to know, If I'm really dead wrong with my views towards how I maintain contact with my former partner and the way I see it. I know, everybody sees it a little bit different.
Thank you a lot for your feedback
I can see both sides of the issue. Time to break the ties with the ex and develop a realtionship with your new love. On the other hand, you should keep in contact with the daughter.
Are there other ways to see and talk to the daughter? (without involving the mother, your ex?)
@georgewenger,
I disagree with PUNKEY.
You're an adult. You come with a past. Your ex is a big part of your past. You still "respect" her and want to maintain contact with her. Your daughter will always have her mother in her life and if you're going to be a part of your daughter's life then you, too, will always have your ex in your life.
I'm always very suspicious of people who demand other people cut yet other people from their lives.
I can almost guarantee that your current girl's jelousy will exhibit itself in lots of other ways over your time together.
I say tell her "I have a past. That isn't going to change. You can accept it or you can go."
If she goes it's for the best, she'd end up making you miserable in the long run.
@DrewDad,
Yep, me, too. Your new partner sounds insecure, so why not invite her to your country and introduce her to the ex and the daughter so she can see what she's dealing with, and see how platonic things are now? What if this was your biological daughter and the ex was your ex-wife? She wouldn't expect you to completely have no contact with the ex in that case. She's obviously worried because you're still good friends, you had a long time relationship and you still have strong ties with them, particularly Sibille, which I think is admirable.
I am friends with all my exes (3) and actually invited two of them to my wedding. One of Alex's ex is going to officiate, and two others are guests. That is just to show you that it's not unusual to keep contact with exes. Maybe you can show her our responses.
I think it's the distance and the relative newness of this relationship that has her in turmoil. Once they meet, she can decide to hate her for real; right now, she's just hating the situation.
@Mame,
I agree with Boomer, DrewDad and Mame.
Your new partner needs to learn to accept you as you are - and that includes having a friendship with your former partner and her daughter.
@georgewenger,
Adults come with baggage.
@ehBeth,
Adding my voice to the chorus. (I agree with Boomer, DrewDad, Mame, and ehBeth.)
@ossobuco,
I did not understand Lash to be agreeing with et al.
@roger,
I have a horrible feeling that I answered the wrong thread.
Crushes own skull.
It's the ice cream - I just learned how to make ice cream.
You all know me, poo to the new partner.
Say good night, Gracie. (Nectarine ice cream is very good)
@georgewenger,
Boom and the gang have it right. The best interests of children trump baseless jealousy, hands down. 13 years as a father figure makes you a father figure for as long as that child sees it that way.
Also -- just to throw this out there -- hating someone who is hundreds if not thousands of miles away, who she has never met? That's a strong statement and, to me, tosses up all sorts of red flags. Plus restricting who someone can and cannot see is a huge red flag as well.
You guys are in dream land.
Here's a guy that is STILL in regular contact with the "ex" - phone calls, visits, holiday time, etc. Are you telling me that her husband or boyfriend allows this?!
Now George wants to start up another relationship.
I say distance yourself from the "ex". You should continue to see the daughter - take her out for a meal or make other arrangments to get together. The "ex" does not have to be a part of your connection to the daughter.
See if this other relationship can be developed or not.
But in any case, time to move on with your life as a single available man.
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote: poo to the new partner.
that covers it quite nicely
@PUNKEY,
What is so horrible about lunch and board games?
None of what he says sounds that bad to me -- as a child of divorced parents, I know it's hard for the parents* to have ZERO contact with each other while dealing with the kid. A cordial relationship with occasional social visits sounds much healthier to me than twisting oneself up in knots to avoid the ex-gf at all costs.
And the current gf is asking him to twist himself up in knots.
*I realize he's not the biological dad, but he's been in a father figure position for quite a while.
The daughter is 17 - not 7.
He can have a relationship with her away from the mother.
He will NOT find a girlfriend if he is still emeshed with the ex.
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