new partner wants me to avoid having contact with ex

Well, I'm still in regular contact with my recent ex... we don't live in the same city anymore, but we phone and skype and email. He asks my advice about his renovations, furniture purchases, updates me on his work, family, and friends, and we talk about my kids, who he lived with for 20 years, and the grandchildren. Damn it, I still like the man as a person very much. He's a great dad to my kids and a great friend.

And Alex does not have a problem with this at all.

You're the one who is in dreamland who thinks because you're divorced it's wrong to have contact with one another. It may not be the norm, but it's a much healthier way to live. It's a win-win for everyone and so much more pleasant than bitterness, acrimony and coldness. Why would you recommend that? His ex is still a person! Why treat someone that way because it's expected or because his current g/f is jealous and/or insecure? How fair is that? The current flame needs to get a hold of herself and find out why she's so insecure. Only then should they move forward.

I was a teenager when my parents divorced. 7 or 17 doesn't make a big difference if she's living at home.

And 7 or 17 doesn't make a difference if he enjoys socializing with the ex, too.

he can be friends with a former girlfriend without being "enmeshed". It's not that big a deal. In fact, I think it's a sign of great emotional health to continue to have relationships with former partners. The more friends, the better.

There are certainly women who will appreciate finding a potential partner who is able to maintain friendships once the romance is over.

my thought as well.

I'm going to side with the masses here too. I'm a Canadian and this is not indicative of my people... We all have a past. Some of them are a simple memory or a photograph. We make choices and this girl and her mother are/were more than that to you. Life is complicated, why make it more so?
Deal with it honestly. Explain it to you girlfriend like you explained it to us. Tell her you are going to meet them at a restaurant, neutral ground and you would very much like her to join you. If she's any kind of an rational adult, she'll join you, and face her demons. Hopefully, this will lead to a less hostile environment.

Past is fine, and we all have one. I think her objection might be that in this case 'past' doesn't exactly mean long ago, used to be, or not no more. It seems to be intruding into the present, in her mind if nowhere else.

Thusly, I said meet her demons. They are obviously not his.

which means she needs to deal with it - in her mind

no one else should have to deal with her jealousy and anger

It is indeed strange to find myself in total agreements with the bulk of posters and also highly amusing to find some idiot had down check my posting with one word on it AGREE...........

Habits are hard to break it would seem................

I wasn't. I think we understand each other, Rog. I've been in a similar - but not identical - situation. It is quite unpopular in at least this venue - but I think hanging on to past loves can be quite dangerous for a budding romantic relationship. The new woman in question may seem a bit ridiculous - voicing such strong opposition to a woman she hasn't yet met - but for me:

There's no reason that this guy needs to have a relationship with the girl's mother in order to have a relationship with the daughter. He wants to spend holidays with them. I would never go for this.

When you've been in an intimate relationship, there are complicated emotions still swirling that can pose a real threat to a budding relationship.

I said "choose" because the new woman has been up front about how she feels early on. He shouldn't try to change her mind about his old love. If his relationship with the old love is more important to him than the new love - this says a great deal about his feelings. It's a good time for him to choose which one is more important to him.

Lash if my marriage should end god forbid and a new lover even hinted that she have a problem with my ongoing and friendly relationships with my ex-wife and my two step-daughters and my step-grandchildren she would be out of my life at once.

Some prices are not worth paying and that would be ones of them after all finding a more secure woman to be a lover is a far easier task then to cut off a large part of my past history for no good reason,

By the time I met Mr. B his parents had been divorced for 20 years. Yet every holiday dinner, every birthday party, every special occassion, there they were with their current spoused. They always treated each other with respect.

Mr. B's dad was a cad so I once asked her how she managed to put all past aside. She told me that the only other option was to make her kids chose between them and she didn't think that was fair; that the divorce wasn't their fault and she didn't think they should have to "pay" for it. "It's a few hours, a few times a year. I can live with that."

I'm glad I married her son.

My experience is from the jealousy side of things -- I was in a new relationship with a guy who had been in a serious relationship with someone before me. This woman had a small child, and he had a relationship (though he was not really a father figure) with the child, too. They were together for about two years, and much of it was long-distance, so the scale is different.

But I absolutely hated the thought of them spending any time together, while also realizing that was my problem. He was understanding of my jealousy issues -- he had parallel jealousy issues with my ex, which made things easier for both of us. ("Thought experiment -- does Current actually have anything to worry about when I see Ex? No. So I should chill out already when he sees HIS Ex.")

But both of us operated from the understanding that the jealousy issues were silly and something for us to overcome, not something that justified dictating terms of contact with the respective exes.

And here's the thing... we both got over it. After much teeth-gnashing early on, we adjusted, and the old relationships faded naturally. We do still each have the occasional contact with the exes (the two of us are still together, 18 years on), but it's just not a problem anymore.

I do think there are situations when people stay enmeshed with their exes and are unable to move on emotionally, which is a bad thing. I don't see a lot of evidence of enmeshing here, though. (Perhaps I'm wrong, and if so, my advice changes.) But as others have said, one can have a cordial relationship without that constituting enmeshment.

I agree with all who say that the relationship with the ex and daughter is healthy as is and that the new gf sounds insecure and off base.

It's curious that george hasn't been back since the OP.

I think it's rather easy to spend different holidays with different family members / special people. It's nice to have Christmas Eve parties and celebrations with dad and his family - and happy people over at Mom's - her boyfriend and her friends... I think your husband's parents started that vibe because their kids were younf when they divorced. That was a real kindness to them.

When the parents were never married, there's just no real reason to be stuck with each other on the special times of the year which should be peaceful and strife-free.

But, it was a nice story re Mr. B's parents.

That's your choice, Bill, based on who you are. I think it's great that the answer is so easy for you.

I totally agree with the enmeshing - and thank you so much for sharing your struggle. The thing that jumped out at me was - you said the previous relationships eventually faded. I think if you guys were spending holidays with former lovers - you may consider this enmeshing. Really appreciative of your take, as always, Soz.

Mr. B had a sister who was 20 and a brother who was 17 when his parents divorced -- not little kids.

I don't think marriage defines someone as a child's parent.

I obviously view this so differently. It seems to me that if the parents have chosen to stop living together - and choose to separate all the things that tied them together - it's somewhat unnatural to be together on holidays. It seems to me to be confusing to children.

I am a BIG believer in speaking only positive things about the absent mother of father - but if the parents wanted to go through all the sturm and drang associated with divorce - why on EARTH would they force the family back together on what are supposed to be the happiest days of the year to remind all just by their presence together - that they couldn't make it as a family? If you choose to be seperate the rest of the year - I just can't see any value in having the weird command performance on Christmas...

I'm definitely not knocking it for people who choose to do it if it works for them. I just can't see the value from my perspective.