new partner wants me to avoid having contact with ex

I think - from a therapist viewpoint - especially for small children - you seem to be saying "See! Mommy and Daddy really can be happy together! Maybe that fond dream you have of us getting back together can come true now!" Seems sort of cruel.

I don't see it that way at all.

"See, mom and dad can be civil to each other, in order not to cause you any more pain than necessary" is about the extent of it.

Lash, see the italicized bits. This is not what I'd consider your term "spending the holidays"... it's a bit of time on important dates for the daughter's sake. I think you blew that out of proportion somewhat. He's dropping over for a couple of hours, not 'spending the holidays' with them.

I think there are different kinds of divorce, and that can play into it. Sometimes it's not a matter of sturm und drang and passion -- sometimes lack of passion is the thing, in fact. They get along fine as friends, but they don't do well as spouses. (Whether it's passion per se or just annoying each other in large doses, while small doses are fine.)

My parents did do holidays together for a while after the divorce too, I appreciated that. They also saw each other just to say hi/ catch up for a while after the divorce. That faded.

I think the "holiday" thing can be a little distracting -- it doesn't sound like current gf and ex gf each have an arm and are pulling on him to spend the whole holiday with them and he chooses the ex gf... (Not that you're saying that.) The current gf isn't there (or hasn't been up until now). And it's a lunchtime get-together, not spending a weekend at the ex's house, or something.

As I type that ("the current gf isn't there"), I wonder if that's part of the current gf's issue? Just not being there, and annoyance and/or guilt about that. (The thought of "I should be spending time with him this holiday," whether he's spending it alone or with his male buddies or with his ex gf.)

Following along.

It seems to me that Georgew is in europe and current partner is in Canada, and Georgew flies back and forth. I understand the long relationship with the child and continuing some contact. (Correct me if I'm confused on this)

I've been divorced for ten years and the break up really happened five years before that. We had spent 20 plus years together, no children, but we were somewhat tied with each other's families, especially me with my niece-by-marriage..

Since there was a sort of long denouement of the relationship, by the time we both made changes, there was no getting-back-together interest. I see ex and his brother and my niece when I go to Los Angeles; we have really good conversations.

That said, I haven't met his wife yet. At first I didn't want to. Now I think it'd be fine, but a different social situation, sort of oddly forced, and in our cases, not really important for any of us.

So, I wonder about Gw's new partner coming over to Europe - would they all meet? That too seems a little forced, but maybe not, with the child involved.

(Funny going on about all this with Georgew not here, but it's an interesting question with, it seems, legitimately different points of view.)

It is the only possible answer for me and side note my wife was always friendly with her ex-husband during his lifetime.

Somehow I do not think I would had gotten far complaining about it any more then his long term live in girlfriend did when she did complained about it.

Sorry for not being back earlier. I was involved with solving this issue with my current partner here in Canada. It doesn't look very promising.

I completely agree with all what you are saying and experianced. Only because being divorced doesn't mean to abandon this person completely. There was always a reason why we fell in love with that person. It sometimes does't work out the way we wished, but that doesn't mean that we need to blank them out of our lives completely. Thank you for your oppinion and telling from your life. It really was very helpfull to hear your view.

You were very helpful to point out your oppinion. That's what I believe in as well, what you mentioned. Unfortunately it's not my new partners oppinion, which really makes me sad and leaves me feel like being in a trap, finding no way out for solving this.

Sigh... thank you very much for your point of view, Ceili. I tried everything to assure her that there's no attraction involved anymore from both sides. And I tried to explain her my views and hoped that she would understand. As she sees no point in talking about that issue anymore and as she pointed out, that she feels physically getting sick by only hearing that issue, there's unfortunately no solution at hand, which makes me so sad, as I actually love her very very much. It's "only" this only issue, which causes her so tremendous pain. She gets so enraged and angry when I want to find some solution which would fit us both, my new partner and I. Today, she felt like she sees no point in continuing our relationship anymore because of that issue and I feel so lost and helpless after three years of being together.

Hi Lash, thanks very much for your views. Even tough I might have a different view than you do towards previous relationships, I fully respect your oppinion. I see your side as well, that it might be very difficult to accept having a partner which still has a loose contact with the expartner. However I think as long as the two people act as adults supposed to and be respectful which one another, then it shouldn't be a threat to a new relationship. But that's only my view. Again, thank you very much. It's important as well to hear a oppinion which I don't completely agree on.

Hi Bill, thank you so much for your oppinion. It really helps me a lot to know that you are also thinking the same way. Only because a marriage didn't work out the way it supposed to, doesn't mean that we need to blank out our former partner completely. I felt very helpless the last couple of months, so your view towards this topic is very important to me. Thank you so much.

Hi, was interesting to read about your mother-in-law and how she handled the situation. Obviously it works out for both of them. I'm very thankful for your contribution towards giving me your oppinion. Thank you so much.

Wishing you happiness, George!

The contrasting types of divorce (and previous relationships) you cite is probably what leads me to part company with those of other opinions.

Hi
I'm glad that you overcame the issue with the jealousy. It was very interesting to hear how you approached the situation. You mentioned the thought experiment "does Current actually have anything to worry about when I see Ex? No.". A good approach. Unfortunately, my new partner sees it completely different. She feels a big threat, not only in regard to my former partner, but as well some external threats. She mentioned a few times that it's important in a relationship to fight the threats, which could endanger a relationship. I told her, in a healthy relationship, where trust is the main issue, there's nothing to fear. But she doesn't believe in that unfortunately. I'm really helpless. Today, she said that she sees no point in continuing the relationship anymore because of that issue, which really makes me very sad, as I love her deeply. But maybe I have to learn and accept that she has a different oppinion on that and won't change it. It wouldn't be too bad wouldn't it ruin our relationship, but it's a constant fight for the relationship. Sigh.... Thank you so much, your oppinion really meant a lot to me.

I see your point, Lash, that it might sound surreal to be together with a former partner on a special holiday. I think it depends on how long they have been together and in what way they seperated and handled the separation. Personally I think it should be possible.

There could be defenitely other ways to see each other, on neutral ground like a restaurant or somewhere else instead of their appartement.

Thank you so much for your help.

Your way of seeing it helped me a big deal. As you mentioned, everybody comes with a past. It depends how we handle the past. As long as both expartners can talk to each other respectfully, I see no reason to blank out the former partner completely out of my life, as my new partner wants me to do. I don't like the fact that she demands me to abrupt the contact. As you mentioned for you, for me this feels very suspicious as well. And this might be one point, the former partner, but there might be even more issues which she wants to take control of. To be clear, I understand her concerns and I don't want to talk bad about my new partner at all, but I feel like in a trap. I fell sick the last few months because of that situation, she forcing me to do something against my beliefs.
And your view has really a big influence on how to go forward with that situation. I think I can't deal with it in the long run to be honest, it goes against my beliefs giving up the contact with my former partner completely.
Again, thank you so much, you were a big help.

That was very interesting to read, Mame. And I'm really glad that it works out so well for you. That is really a precious thing and I'm sure you are very happy with it.
Unfortunately, my new partner admits to even get physically sick by only hearing about the expartner. Not that I constantly mention her, but we both wanted to come up with a solution for both of us. My new partner mentioned that she can't deal with that. It's too much of a threat for her. Actually what you suggested about meeting with my former partner, that's exactly what I suggested as well when I ran out of ideas on how to solve that. Unfortunately, as she confessed that she even hates her whilst never met her, makes me very sad. As you mentioned, that would have taken away all her fear that she has inside. She could have been convinced, that there's absolutely no reason to be afraid of my former partner. Unfortunately, she refuses everything when it comes to my expartner, which really makes me sad, as I still ove her very much.
The situation made me pretty sick over the last few months as I couldn't find a valuable solution for both of us. And to be honest, I don't want to blank out my former partner completely out of my life, as my new partner demands.
Sigh... I'm so helpless......
Thank you so much for your answer. It proves, that it is actually possible to have contact with a former partner. That's my belief, as long as both are respectful towards each other, there's no reason to abandon them completely.
Have a wonderful day, Mame