Cheating wife

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My son has just discovered his wife of 12 years has been having an affair.
He married her knowing she could not have children and then paid huge money for a surrogate and they now have a 9 yr old daughter. She has never worked and is quite lazy. He has given her a beautiful home, new car, jewelry, etc.
They go to Hawaii every year plus the Cape in the summer. In other words he is a great husband and handsome as well. ( Not just because he is my son) He is devastated by this and is so torn because of his daughter. He will take a big financial hit as well because by law he has to give her half of everything he has plus alimony and child support.
He found this out by accident. He has read many emails ( very sexual) by her.
Should he divorce her and start a new life ? He is 44.

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@timbuktu,

He should live his life and ask his own questions. He is a grown man and will probably not enjoy you speculating about his life -- I am only a little older and female and if my parents speculated about such things about me I would be very, very angry.

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This is something that your son and wife must work out. Hopefully, they will go to counseling. I know you are concerned about the child.

One thing: trips and things don't mean a thing in the long run. Something is wrong with the marriage - with or without money and objects - and they need to decide what to do about it.

I know you will be the good MIL and mother and stay OUT of this. Let them resolve it themselves. Your meddling will come back to haunt you. Believe me, I've seen this often times. You want to end up with having at least cordial relationships with all parties, after all, there is a grandchild involved.

My heart goes out to you. We hurt when our children are going thru messes, but it's something they need to do themselves. We are there for the hugs during and afterwards.

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@jespah,

I have no intention of interfering. It will be his decision. I love my son and my heart is broken for him. I do not understand how you would be very angry if your parents cared enough about you to care about your welfare.

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks for you understanding. I have no intention of interfering. I thought someone else might have experienced the same thing and could enlighten me. I have noone to ask. My son does not and will not know I even sent this message.

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@timbuktu,

Your son needs to make a couple of decisions and then if he decides to end this marriage (which is not necessarily what he will choose), then he needs to consult a lawyer. Your concerns about alimony and child support may not be valid. A lawyer can give him a better picture. I agree somewhat with the above. You can be there emotionally for your son, but I don't know that I would want my father poking the wound while it is still raw. You will have to find that fine balance between emotional support and intrusion.

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@timbuktu,

timbuktu wrote:

My son has just discovered his wife of 12 years has been having an affair.
He married her knowing she could not have children and then paid huge money for a surrogate and they now have a 9 yr old daughter. She has never worked and is quite lazy. He has given her a beautiful home, new car, jewelry, etc.
They go to Hawaii every year plus the Cape in the summer. In other words he is a great husband and handsome as well. ( Not just because he is my son) He is devastated by this and is so torn because of his daughter. He will take a big financial hit as well because by law he has to give her half of everything he has plus alimony and child support.
He found this out by accident. He has read many emails ( very sexual) by her.
Should he divorce her and start a new life ? He is 44.

He should take my advice, i'm not using it... Better yet, he should take the advice he can afford, and it sounds like, with his life style, that he can afford advice and a divorce...Divorce was invented by rich people for rich people, and poor people just separate or ruin themselves with divorce. Maybe he works too hard... Maybe he does not care... Maybe he does not relate well and uses the form, the social form of Marriage as a security blanket... Maybe it has nothing to do with him, and his wife is a risk taker who wants fire of love and the fear of getting caught... Who knows... For me it is nice to see that people who are richer than myself still have all their human weakness and the power to make themselves miserable...Since they are beyond my power, that is the only sort of justice I can hope for... Good deal... I mean... It is so sad...

BTW... No one gets a new life, only a new destination with the same old luggage... But if he is not carrying a load of guilt then he should be able to survive... Guilt is the real killer... It is better when bad things happen, as they do in every life, to be able to say: I do not deserve this happening to me... It is always a lie because of our very nature as willful, active animals, but it can be more plausible at times than at other times, and there are times we should be able to believe it, rather than having the additional pain of kicking ourselves out of guilt... That is the reason people live moral, honorable lives and give a 100% in their relationships... It is all to avoid guilt, to know they could have done no more, and if they could have, they would have...

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@engineer,

I agree. No interference. I am sending this message without his knowledge. He did see a lawyer. He told him what I wrote in the first message. Half of his assests plus alimony and child support. I have told my son that I will support him in his decision.

1 Reply

@timbuktu,

timbuktu wrote:

I agree. No interference. I am sending this message without his knowledge. He did see a lawyer. He told him what I wrote in the first message. Half of his assests plus alimony and child support. I have told my son that I will support him in his decision.

They give alimony even if the wife is screwing around???... It does not seem fair to leave a marriage in all respects but legally and then expect the protection of law... Here is your reward for risking your health and your life to stds and the health and life of your husband, or wife... I can see child support... Alimony should be deserved by loyalty... My opinion..

Is your little leeroy a mama's boy??? Why would he need your support???

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@timbuktu,

Quote:

Should he divorce her and start a new life ? He is 44.

Only your son knows the answer to that. I am curious as to whether he has confronted his wife, and attempted to understand why the affair happened. Unless the woman is emotionally unstable, usually affairs indicate some dissatisfaction with the marriage.

You describe your son as what many people would call, "a great catch"...............handsome, rich, etc. But luxury in a marriage is not strong enough "glue" to hold the marriage together, unless there is a real caring for one another, and a strong emotional attachment.

Many couples go through affairs, work out the problems that were the catalyst for the affair, and come out with a much stronger marriage.

I agree with the other posters that you should MYOB.

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@Phoenix32890,

Phoenix32890 wrote:

Quote:
Should he divorce her and start a new life ? He is 44.

Only your son knows the answer to that. I am curious as to whether he has confronted his wife, and attempted to understand why the affair happened. Unless the woman is emotionally unstable, usually affairs indicate some dissatisfaction with the marriage.

You describe your son as what many people would call, "a great catch"...............handsome, rich, etc. But luxury in a marriage is not strong enough "glue" to hold the marriage together, unless there is a real caring for one another, and a strong emotional attachment.

Many couples go through affairs, work out the problems that were the catalyst for the affair, and come out with a much stronger marriage.

I agree with the other posters that you should MYOB.

Marriage is just a form, and obviously a form is not enough to save a troubled relationship... In every form, every social form, and every form of relationship it is the relationship which is the life of the form and the form is only a structure for behavior... But like the structures of our bodies, our bones, the forms last long after the life has left the relationship... The life is going out of our nation too... After a while it will be so many empty forms with no relationship...

1 Reply

@Fido,

Fido wrote:

Marriage is just a form, and obviously a form is not enough to save a troubled relationship... In every form, every social form, and every form of relationship it is the relationship which is the life of the form and the form is only a structure for behavior... But like the structures of our bodies, our bones, the forms last long after the life has left the relationship...

Quite true.

As a side note; however, I'd add that what specifically is contained in this form can and should vary from person to person. I realize its hard for people to escape their paradigms on what marriage does or should mean - but I think its the best interests of anyone considering marriage at all that couples consciously realize they can define it to their own likes, dislikes, ideas, restrictions or liberties.

Marriage, to me, is morally neutral across the macro. Whether or not contained in that term/contract are moral dictates is exclusively up to the individuals concerned - no one else can our ought be concerned with how "these two folks" have defined the terms of their marriage. Idealistic? Probably... I think its a healthy view though

Thanks

1 Reply

@Fido,

Very hurtful of you to ask if he is a mama's boy. I have 5 sons and he is one of them. He doesn't need my support, it's his decision I would support to encourage harmony in the family.

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@Phoenix32890,

I am minding my own business. That's why I am emailing this board to hope to get some insight for my own peace of mind.

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@Phoenix32890,

BTW My son is not rich, just hard working and trying to provide a good life for his family.

1 Reply

@timbuktu,

timbuktu wrote:

I have no intention of interfering. It will be his decision. I love my son and my heart is broken for him. I do not understand how you would be very angry if your parents cared enough about you to care about your welfare.

I would be livid. Not that they cared -- of course I would accept that. But I would be angry if they were asking for advice on my behalf. I am nearly 48 years old and I can and do make my own decisions. Good, bad or indifferent, they are mine to make, and not my parents'. If I am asking them for advice, that is a whole other matter. But if I haven't asked for it, then I would consider it boundary-breaking interference.

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@jespah,

Plus, he might be very embarrassed to have his failing relationship discussed by strangers. Just be careful here. I'm sure your intentions are good and I'd hate for you to accidentally cause harm instead.

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Timbuktu has come here for advice and an ear. It's not as if she has no emotional investment in the relationship. Some of you act as if she's not supposed to care, or what happens to her son is not her business. Geez. I would guess she has friends and relatives to discuss this with if she chose to but probably, for the sake of her sons' privacy, she has elected to bring her worries here. I've bought several things here that I never verbally discussed with a living soul. I've always thought this was one of the very purposes of A2K.

Timbuktu, support your son in this unsavory situation but it does sound odd that he would have to pay alimony to a cheating spouse. Is he being honest with you? Perhaps he's not as innocent in the breakdown of this marriage as you seem to think he is. But one thing's for certain. It takes two to tango and it can't be that she's been the bad guy throughout while he's been just an innocent victim. (it's obvious that you don't care much for her) If I were you and my son came to me with this story, I'd demand his honesty above all else. He knows I will love him regardless, right? And if he couldn't be honest with me then he should find someone else to talk to.

Good luck. Stay supportive but don't get involved.

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Hmm

I have written on this board about MY mil, exposing HER alcoholism, abuse and anorexia.

That was alllll ok.

but she can not namelessly ask questions and have a place to speculate and dump some emotions about her son?
There are no names here.
No one knows who she is, where she is or WHAT she is. Thats the beauty of the anonymity of the internet.

I dont understand the reign of anger she is getting. Its not like she put his name, ssn, her name and house address out there.

its a simple anonymous question. This board gets them all the time

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If he does choose to divorce, it is in his favor to FILE first.
FILE first FILE first FILE first.
he can have more control over the situation by doing that.

1 Reply

Cheating wife

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