I get your meanings and finished the sentence for myself.
If I was not to a degree relaxed I would not allow myself to be here.
I tried to force myself to be here previously and it and I were a failure.
Presently if I do not want or like being here I have other things I can have rather.
If I can still find a NEED for me here in the future, this if is still like most future, undertermined.
It is not just for robert who may misinterpret me, but for a whole world of people who make misinterpretation of me a joy.
For real I am only really able to make sure for myself that if I come to read this in whatever future I exist, when I seek me I will find there truth.
Killing me on the other hand is totally subjective to how important and vital sometime sun is for my survival.
And what exactly it is I and You experience, think and believe sometime sun actually was, is, will, could and not ever be?
what is it he creates and destroys? exists and extinguishes? traps and frees? inspires and dispels? opens and closes? births and kills?
all for more than just the sake of one silly little mans dreams and delusions does this insignificant idealist torture and treasure him, receive and throw him away,
this idiot of man still believes and reaches out, all so that some small thing of expression called a sometime sun can live beyond the confines of a glass screen and wooden heart.
This thing, this expression, this man is working very hard just so once in his crappy life something might allow him to sacrifice for causes that survive and are still able thrive beyond what he could never had survived on his own,
to just on the slightest fraction of a chance you may one day make me a better and stronger being,
and all this will ever take is one small extension, one small gesture, one small action, one small decency.
I'll let you figure it out what you think the one thing that would make me able to love and respect you would be.
The one simple thing I can't even bring myself to simply ask you for because in this world, in your world, in my world, if I have to remind you to do it or that it needs to be existed between us means I really think I don't want it or need it from anyone.
sometime sun would probably still accept it, probably even beg you for it, but I can see now quite clearly how weak and feeble sometime is and how he has let to much **** slide and has left himself far to wide open for his own basic safety and survival.
Think about it by all means, but do do me one more single favour and I will never wish anything of you again, keep whatever you come up with to yourself unless you are sure you can do it.
Anyway that was kind of fun, I wonder if I have at all illustrated at all that it is not just the body that needs to die for something to be killed.
And that dreams, hopes, concepts, ideals, philosophies, trusts, optimisms, virtues, wishes, appreciations, innocence, loves and more can themselves indeed be killed.
I do wonder if the child needs to die for the man to live?
If youth needs to be executed to make way for adult?
And depending upon what you see as death, whether I believe I or sometime sun have been or could be killed is irrelevant when you consider there are fates worse than death.
And some people have been known to ask for execution rather than exile, that a banishment is a fate worse than death.
Especially if their love of their home and country so essential they cannot survive without their clansmen.
And one thing I will and can say here truly and now is that sometime sun will only ever live and die here.
And this goes aways to also say sometimes the only choice is to kill part of yourself,
just as it hopefully still leaves room to birth new yous as well.
All the best, this was sort of fun and not at all a waste of yours or mine time.