How to get over a heartache

Well, one life philosopher said one MUST learn to get over love and grief.

So the first step is to believe that you ARE going to be OK.

Let the hurt flow in and out of you. Cry, wail, get angry, let it out. ,

Then love again . . .

when you find the answer, share it with me

One Buddhist teaching is that 'suffering" i.e. the human condition that causes us pain, anxiety, grief, etc - is caused by clinging and craving. Having something dear taken away from us (like death or end of love) or when we are not allowed to have something we dearly want (separation) causes us to suffer (also called dukkha)

When we can realize that we really had no right to try to control the actions of another person or in fact, any event, then we can let go of them.

Accepting that there was going to be change in the relationship, anyway, allows us to appreciate what we fleetingly had.

But we had no right to think there would be no change in the future, and we must accept that there is impermanence in all life - relationships and events,

Dont' cry because it's over - Smile because it happened -

drishta dharma sukha viharin - dwell happily in things as they are.

(PS this mindset has helped me cope with losing my husband Jay to colon cancer one year ago this week. I still buckle to my knees about this once in a while, but when I get my head straight - I am able to go on.)

I kicked my husband out two nights ago. He's been cheating on me for months and Friday night was the last straw. He's also put my house into foreclosure and if I can't get a loan to cover the huge debt he left me, I'm homeless.
I'm numb, I think my heart is dead.
Regardless, you have to love yourself. You can't depend on anyone to do it for you, if they do... it's a bonus. So buck up buddy, I feel your pain, allow yourself to grieve. Howl at the moon and get those awful feelings off your chest.
I KNOW you will come out the other end a much stronger person and hopefully you will love, respect and cherish your life and person even more.
I'm in your corner. Misery loves company and all that.

I met someone last summer who became very special to me. Recently we broke up, and I feel the daggers in my heart as well. I start to think I'm getting over it and then it hits me again out of the blue, like when I started reading this thread. And I was feeling all positive and happy this morning too. Crap.

I think the pain gets easier to bear as time goes by and you slowly achieve a different perspective about it. But after a while you/we/I will be able look back and be appreciative of the good times without all the pain of the loss.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom, encouragement and your company while I go though this. It would not be so bad if he had not left me with tears in his eyes. That only makes it more painfully unbearable. I guess it is up to me to decide to start feeling better. These days it seems out of style for me to wear my heart on my sleeve but my feelings run so deep.

I was fortunate to have had him as long as I did. I constantly look for him in others, a smile, a gesture, a certain walk no one can fill his shoes. He is just him... unique and hard to live with the memory of his love.

This stuff makes for a good love song but it also produces a painful life.

In starting this discussion I have found that others are hurting too. I just can't seem to see a bright side to all of this. If there is a bright side it would be the compassion that you have all shown to me here.

I just can't let go. I love you all and I am very sorry if I have made anyone feel worse. It has not been my intention. Maybe we can all struggle through this and find comfort together. If we all put our broken hearts together it might function as one.

Love always
Rex

don't know if this will help

http://able2know.org/topic/43051-82#post-3990550


but seriously, good luck, it's not easy

Ceili! That sucks. I'm sorry.

Rex, would you like a snicker right now?

My present husband (of 13 years) and me broke up some 16 years ago.

While we were standing outside, breaking up (very painfully), I saw him crying. It was a horrific scene!

Only MANY years later did he inform me that the tears were NOT, in fact, due to emotion (as I thought), but to the windy day, which blew some bit of something into his eye, which made him seem to be crying.

I'm sorry if this is hurtful... I intend to make you laugh. But don't discount pollen in your break-up, as I did all those years ago. (No, it probably wasn't pollen, for your BF. I'm sorry; life hurts.)

If this is a recent break-up, then I think it's only normal that you'd be feeling emotionally raw right now.

I hate to toss out cliches like "time heals all," and "out of sight, out of mind," but I think these things become cliches for a reason. They're true.

You need the time and space to heal now. It might be hard to believe just yet, but it will get better.

The good thing for you is a lesson I learned from when my first wife dumped me for some other guy. I got over it much better than she. In fact, for some reason, my first wife still likes to come in and out of my life I tell her nicely but firm;ly to **** off. All you can do is work it out and learn to live a great life, That drives em nuts.

Thanks Soz... I know, but I saw it coming. I had to wait to move back home before I could do anything. My only hope is that it's not too late to lose the house. Him I can do without.

Rex, no matter what happens in life, it's always good to know there are people in your corner. Whenever anything has happened in my life, there always seem to be parallels with other people. When I was pregnant, it seemed everywhere I looked there was tv show or other friends that were going through the same thing. When i bought my car, I saw others like it all over the place and I had never seen that car until then.
You didn't make me more sad, not at all. They only way to heal is to talk with others and know that they love you too.
My husband was cheating on me... Everywhere I looked there were men doing the same thing, Tiger, Jesses, Angel... and on it goes, but I promise you that if you look, there is so much beauty and love in this world. You just have to look and accept it too. Try not to focus on the pain. Smell the roses, as it were, cause it's there too.
Stay strong and know that you have so many people in your corner. I'm amazed at how many people have reached out to me.
So many people in the last few days have stood by me and will continue to, why... because there is always a balance, nothing in life is skewed, there is always good to balance the bad. I choose to believe that no matter what, or how much pain you feel, it can be offset by the good in the world. It's there, you just have to accept it with open arms.
I'm pulling for you. Wounds heal, hurt fades and once it does, you'll know that there is so much more than the pain you feel.
As Noddy used to say... Hold your dominion. I know, I'm trying to follow that piece of advice.
Love Ceili

Aw Ceili, I'm sorry. A good soul like you absolutely didn't deserve such shabby treatment. But I like your attitude!

Sorry about the pain you're going through, too, Rex.

If you both lived nearby, I'd invite you over for dinner & drinks. And allow you both to indulge in much animated venting!

But in answer to your original question, Rex, I think (after the initial, perfectly understandable freak out/melt down) you just have to keep going, as best you can. You can't just let the situation get the better of you for too long. Not matter how shattered you feel. You talk about it with good friends, to get it out of you system & also to understand what occurred better. If necessary, you find a good counselor to help you through. (I have.) You keep going ... and you forget about looking for love (finding a "replacement" for your lost lover) for a bit ... Later, later, perhaps ...

Many years ago, in similar circumstances, I forced myself (not feeling too wonderful or excited about anything much at all ) to become involved in a local community radio station as a volunteer broadcaster. It was rather a tough slog, motivating myself for a while, but eventually I did get involved in something I'd never ever considered before. Which eventually led to 10 years of really stimulating work, some of the most rewarding experiences I can recall. You never know, at a time like you're going through, where those first small tentative steps will lead you. The thing is to give them a go.

Hurt is something you have to go through.

Loneliness is something you can take steps to remedy.

Good luck.

Tears in the eyes..

yup yup
yup and more yup. Thats what happens here too. We have been doing this break up dance for a while. Both seeing that it shouldnt happen this way , reality dictating that nothing else can unless one of us jumps.

I got tired of jumping. I wasnt being matched.

Nuff said.

celi-
can you find a room mate?
If you can rent out a bedroom in your home you can add a few hundred dollars to your monthly income and it might help get you out of that debt.
not quickly mind you, but with some extra money you can call the lender and maybe negotiate with it in hand you know what i mean?

Its hard to remove the cheater in your life. Things always seem to make sense to work out in your head so letting go is hard.
I understand how you feel. Ohhh man do i ever.

I have been crying all day again...

You’re Like Sunshine

You're my sunshine when it rains
Your key unlocks the chains
In my heart
You'll always be
You're like sunshine
To me

When clouds block the light
When day turns to night
But in my heart
You shine so bright
You're like sunshine
To me

Sunshine
Sunshine
So free
To be
In your sunshine
Sunshine...
It's like heaven
To me

Even when it storms
Your light always warms
The coldest days
You set my heart ablaze
Your fiery golden rays
You're like sunshine
To me

While I hold tight to you
Worries fade from view
In my heart
You're so divine
You're like sunshine
To me

Sunshine
Sunshine
So free
To be
In your sunshine
Sunshine...
It's like heaven
To me

RexRed
3/27/2010

(((((((Rex Red)))))))

I don't think you ever truly get over your love or heartache - you just find ways of dealing with every day and make it to the next day. try to look at the beautiful things in life, the good that you have within you and the good that surrounds you - it is there, try to focus on simple and not overthink - maybe try not to think whilst it's so raw.


tears in eyes too... after many years, it still destabilises my confidence... it never really goes, I don't think, but there is a future out there for the taking - you need to want to move forward before that can actually happen - it sometimes takes a long time.

Haven't read all the responses, speaking just from my opinion and experience. Strength is required, tho right now, you prolly feel drained from all the emotion. Value your friends, keep yourself distracted....talk as much as it helps no matter whether you sound miserable or self absorbed in your feelings. It's good to talk when you can, just so it's out of your head and you can read back with some perspective.

You may not want to live without him, but you can and will - you'll just do it in a different way that isn't as comfortable right now - but one day you'll find a comfort zone where you don't feel quite so lost and alone in your grief.

Best wishes to you....

talk whenever - there's good folk here to listen and emapthise... and sympathise.

((((RexRed))))







((((((Ceili..... so sorry gal... ((((((((big hugs to you))))) ) you are in control now of what you allow to happen - gather your strength and always know you deserve better than that. hugs xxxxx

Aw, Rex, losing a love just plain hurts. You might try pouring your love into something creative, you might be surprised as to how that does work. People are more intelligent, more creative, when they are in love. Don't waste it!