How to get over a heartache

I lost two votes... Someone hates fags. Maybe just male fags... gay closeted men who discriminate by religious condemnation, errr, sorry you hate yourself... . Or women but I doubt it. It is usually repressed male fagots who cause the worse social unrest (i.e. catholic priests) , cause of their religious guilt and premeditated shame.

Repressed homosexual priests is the worst cause. especially Catholic MEN WHO AIN'T GOT THEIR **** TOGETHER. Men who are confused by their own love. Though love should not be denied. Sick repressed homosexuals are the worst kind, cause they are run away cursed ideals that should have been let free. We need only a gimps into Muslim terrorism and catholic hate to know the root of these problems is repression of homosexuals in both the Muslim and catholic repression regimes. They both have contrary ridiculous religious and versus heart REALITY.

I am a fagot so I don't use that word wrong.
But only I can use that word. If you use it I WILL be offended. Perhaps i should not use that word anyway. If you do not like me using that word just say so. I may modify for the most part. But... I am a fagot and I love being one.

Sorry I took this thread on the down turn... but, if you love me (and I LOVE you) you will be my friend. I am gonna watch Virginia Wolf. Taylor/Burton It is the only movie that makes me seem sane. Weird, I am more sane than you...

I don't imagine this heartache ending soon. It is time the truth be revealed about what homosexuals face. These gay marriage laws have ruined my life where I might have had a chance otherwise. Now I stagnate and wait till his house of cards fall. The waiting has nearly killed me. I won't let this matter rest. In time he will leave his lesbian wife. Meanwhile him and her scream at each other in front of the kids, is that a happy home? She wears flannel pajamas at night so her skin does not touch his... What is he going thorough? He works himself to death and she wont clean, do laundry, do bills, cook meals, and do you think she really loves his kids either considering they came from another woman? I have no place to vent my frustrations and I may wait 15 years before he finally leaves her. Until then I suffer and I can't express how bad this suffering hurts. I hurt for him, not even myself. My songs I wrote for him made him cry.

While I try and fit my own sadness into my head, I had a bad night, what can I say that I have not already said. I don't expect this pain to go away soon. Sorry for venting on these forums but if I do not really say what is bothering me your guesses will never come close.

So should I move on and leave him and his kids with a woman who does not love him? He was never unfaithful to her with me. I was his best friend for a year. Every day he was at my door. Now another very attractive man wants me. But I can't leave my best friend. He has left me because he got custody of his kids while we were friends. There was a chance of me being the father of his kids but the Catholics and republicans ******* wrecked that for us.

I will always hate that religion and party for ruining my life! His kids are better off with a woman who does not care for them at all but she is a female and that is all that matters? Now the Maine schools won't recognize me as their father. I will never be able to teach them guitar at a young age. His first wife was unfaithful to him and brought home diseases (which I don't know the full extent of). She dressed like a whore and flaunted her overt sexuality toward other men in front of him and the kids.. And his current wife has no problem with inciting his anger in front of the kids because she bocks at every thing he asks her to do to help out. The oldest boy has started to talk like her in her lazy monotone I don't give a **** voice.

His first wife was beating on the kids and the police stepped in and gave the kids to him right when we were about to pledge our love. So his kids already had hangups with women from the first wife and now they have the chance to hate another woman. I don't hate women and I would never have taught them anything other than respect for woman. Every day is like living torture for me. I want to remain faithful to him and yes, he cried when I saw him last. His children mean everything to him. His current wife does not work a job she sits all day on the couch and plays video games. That is what his kids are being taught instead of the guitar and the other cultured things I wanted to share. One day he hollered at his current wife so the neighbors could hear and said I was the only one who cared about him! Famous last words. Yes I would get up at 5:00am and have his driveway shoveled of snow so he could go cut fish all day.

So I know he is waiting to get full custody and he will be back. He took my apartment key and whenever we would have a disagreement he would hand it back to me and I would tell him to keep it. He never offered it back this time. It has been six months and that key is still in his pocket. The custody hearings are still going on. If his first wife ever got wind of his love for me she would use it to take his children from him. Thanks again to the Catholic church and their stand against marriage equality. He loves his children more than his own flesh, his own health deteriorates but he still has his nose to the grindstone. I can't even help him out of his fear that I will be used in court to take his kids from him. He will work himself into the grave and his wives will never lift a finger to help. His current wife is argumentative and useless. He cannot get ahead cuz his current wife has no income and his ex wife was living off the monthly state checks a major resentment cuz she lost her free ride.

She will never pay alimony like he faithfully did. I made homemade pizza one time for him and his children and the youngest said he had never had anything but cheese on pizza. I guess she skimped on food for the kids so she could buy her wardrobe. So how about deadbeat mothers? And the state would deem his kids better off with her nightly tricks because they are a man and woman than him being with a man. His kids love me too, the youngest would paint pictures for my refrigerator. It took me six months before I could take them down. This is a real thing happening to gays. Ripping families apart because the parents are gay. How christian...

I need to move on but something inside keeps stopping me and the pain is killing me and driving me to drink. Perhaps it is the key in his pocket. Perhaps it is my new found hatred for the catholic church and the desire to not let them defeat my love. Perhaps it is the countless love songs I wrote for him and the precious tears from his eyes. I can't let him go.

That was a very good post and, also, you have a very nice voice. Now, why don't you try something different: Stop being so negative. Thoughts are things and just thinking about something all the time brings it about. Negative thoughts can kill you!

Go ahead and love this person, in your mind. See yourself with him again, make yourself live on that thought. Pour all that love into your work, and don't give up. See yourself successful. You have a lot going for you yet you seem to see it all negatively, so it is therefore a negative influence. Never mind what you hate, think of the things you love. You are lucky you feel love at all. Just love this person if only in your thoughts. And have patience. But, live your life, too. Can't say it enough--transfer that love to your work! You must know that there's something waiting to happen to you. Don't miss out on it by feeling all this misery about the past.

You are a really beautiful person Permerson. I have lost nearly all confidence in myself but it really only takes one person who cares to turn things around. I am going to try to be positive and be thankful for what love I have. I am so blessed to have known this person and waiting for six months or even years is worth the wait. As for my music I seem to be at a stand still. I desire to make more music but in nearly ten years of sales I have made about 50 dollars on my music, That is neither enough to woo a hard working man nor support his children. He had such hopes in my music too. If it was based only on my love alone I would have more to stand on. He wants his children to have a high standard of life and treats them like kings. My only desire is to please him and lift some of his heavy burden.

I will be exploring new avenues to sell my music. Seeking donations again and do it without the feeling of past defeat in the foremost of my mind. One day I will make a big noise then I will have something to share with him. Though my heart feels like it is burning I will try and focus on the good of my life and maybe I will go into disco songs. (hehe) These love songs are getting me nowhere fast. People express that they love them but they generally do not buy them. Although 50 dollars in ten years is much more than many other artists have earned it does not put pizza on the table.

Thank you Pemerson for your caring words, you are a GREAT soul and I plan to make use of you thoughtful advice. RexRed is alive again.

Lover’s Light

Chorus
No matter where you are
We see the same bright star
We are drawn by love at heart
Even though we are a distance apart
As we dream of romance in the night
The moon shines a lover’s light

We are connected by the same night sky
And heaven above where angels fly
A retreat only we can share
Love will always find us there

A fire burning ember
A kiss to always remember
Entwined by desire we became
A torch that holds a lover’s flame

Chorus
No matter where you are
We see the same bright star
We are drawn by love at heart
Though we are a distance apart
As we dream of romance in the night
The moon shines a lover’s light

Instrumental

I write these words with a burning
And an unfulfilled love always yearning
That you will soon be by my side
Where love’s dear light will tenderly abide
 
A lover’s light is in your eyes
Like a tear a lover cries
Like a kiss and an unforgettable touch
A lover’s light can shine so much

Chorus
No matter where you are
We see the same bright star
We are drawn by love at heart
Though we are a distance apart
As we dream of romance in the night
The moon shines a lover’s light

RexRed
2/27/2010

Lately it has occurred to me to have a lawyer and proceedings to have my life long prolific unpublished art that I sit on destroyed at my death because I don't want to leave it to posterity. If posterity cannot honor me while I am alive (cuz I am gay) then why leave it to the world after? In the meantime I keep having these visions that i don't even write down anymore. You wouldn't believe what I have seen in the last week. I saw a Buddhist monk jump from a high precipice and die on the ground in a dream. I guess he landed wrong and did not prove himself worthy. That is only one dream of a few.

50 bucks in ten years and my life endeavors have suffered and no one says, damn Rex you are so talented and it seems sad that your art is neglected so by the big wigs... When if they wait long enough they can buy it cheap and exploit me after I am dead. This is why God and Benjamin Franklyn created fireplaces... It is sad Rex you lost your boyfriend because the world is not ready to treat a gay artist with respect. I plug my music and SILENCE.... THANKS!

Touched

Locked away in your world
So no one can touch
That the way to your heart
Can mean so much
A thousand lifetimes could never hold
A moment with you
A moment untold
Can hardly express
Can hardly contain
Transcend pain
I am chained
The unexplained
Changing dimensions shifting phase
Volumes of books but contained in a phrase

RexRed

**** it...

I will be fifty in a couple of years...