What are the rewards of being in a long-term relationship?

Well, the guy you are with today is not the one you wake up with tomorrow. People change and just going with the flow is the best. I think accepting someone - warts and all - is what it's all about.

I never tried to change my husband, I decided what I could live with (lovemaking, tenderness, financial security, helping raise my kids, same values, etc.) and what I could not stand (TV on all the time, not handy at all, , too financially conservative, man farts, etc.) I kept with the good and ignored the things that bothered me.

In 25 years he never betrayed me. I felt he always had my back. We adored each other and liked being adored by each other.

Most of all, we liked each other and that is what it all comes down to as the years go by.

He died a year ago. I am a better person for having him in my life for 25 years.

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Where to start? People tell us we are opposites, I give them a flat stare. What?
When we met he blew a trumpet in a band that played at country clubs, sang in 3 different quartet/groups, was an actor of sorts. I joined in, acting and dancing in plays. His dad when young played in a huge orchestra, his mom sang "Ragpicker" while his fingers danced over those keys, and everybody cried.

We are both extremely independent. Our marriage is separate from the different lives we've lived. Both of us are ready to get up and go (anywhere) at any time. We have a lot of energy.

He now does the shopping, we both cook. He's a mess round the house, I keep it tidy (yeah, Mame). We both hate being told "what to do" by the other, so it's subtle - he finds ways to let me know what day it is, what time are appointments, I hint-hint that he doesn't have to continue turning things off that I've turned on (you know, that Polly-put-the-kelly on Sukey take it off again thingy).

We are best friends, we love each other, and the house is always alive. So, because he is an engineer and me more creative, so what? There's an engineer in me, too (I like to use a hammer, etc, in the garage), and a musician in him. He was an only child, he likes the way I invite the world in, collect animals that he has learned to love (he never had a pet).

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Aw, Kicky. Hate to see you hurt in any way.

Someone else mentioned, too: Does she have to compromise as much as she wants you to? This should be a two-sided deal.

Do you think the compromise would make you more pleased with yourself? Is it a change you could live with, without resentment?

In the meantime, it's the little things about our 16 years together that charm me the most. The shared memories ("Remember that guy?..."). The private jokes. The little snickers in public, when I can look at him and know just what he's thinking.

I like our talks about the day we've just had. No matter how trivial to the rest of the world, your day and its events are important to your partner.

Mostly, the laughing at shared experiences. Holding hands in public. Kissing and hugging good-night, and good-morning, and going-to-work.

A week ago, we were test-driving a Spaymobile (motor home) he'd just repaired for our local Humane Society (which he does for free). I followed him in the car. The motor home died just down the road from us.

I watched him as he got out, disgusted with the motor home at this point, and started tinkering with the motor. As he lifted his arm, I saw a little soft bit of his belly sticking out from under his shirt.

This little belly-skin was so soft, somehow so vulnerable in such a big, sweaty, dirty, annoyed guy, and what he was doing (helping pets as best he could) was so utterly endearing to me that I almost cried on the spot.

Little moments like this are, I think, what I'll treasure the most, if I'm ever without him.

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@BorisKitten,

Sweet - and along those same lines - those things that are normally so irrating - sometimes when you are in the right moment make me laugh or cry in the sense that is so like him. Some one even when they are their worst, it still can seem the best.

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@BorisKitten,

BorisKitten wrote:

Someone else mentioned, too: Does she have to compromise as much as she wants you to? This should be a two-sided deal.

Do you think the compromise would make you more pleased with yourself? Is it a change you could live with, without resentment?

If I got back with her, it would have to be a two-way compromise of course. I wouldn't consider it otherwise.

BorisKitten wrote:

This little belly-skin was so soft, somehow so vulnerable in such a big, sweaty, dirty, annoyed guy, and what he was doing (helping pets as best he could) was so utterly endearing to me that I almost cried on the spot.

Little moments like this are, I think, what I'll treasure the most, if I'm ever without him.

Interesting that you'd mention this kind of thing, because lately to me there are so many little moments like this with her that keep hitting me out of the blue. I'm on the verge of tears all the freakin' time. Emotional rollercoasters are hellish rides.

Sometimes I'll be able to think of nothing but the best little moments like that, the things I'll miss the most, and it triggers something in me that makes me feel that maybe we do belong together, maybe we should try again. And then I get all happy fantasizing about the two of us getting back together and living happily ever after.

But then I have these other periods of time when I start to think about all the things that irked me about her, and the differences that still seem irreconcilable to me, and I start to think, yeah, maybe we just weren't right for each other, maybe this is for the best. And then I start to think about how good it is to be single and how comfortable I feel in that kind of life.

Right now I'm in one of my "We belong together, maybe we should try again" periods. I'm thinking maybe we just have to accept the fact that this is who we are as a couple, an imperfect match, and as such, we are going to bicker and fight sometimes, but we both want to be together enough that it's all worth it, and if we keep working on the things that aren't right, and just stick together, we'll make it work, dammit!

Now watch, tomorrow I'll be like, **** that, I wanna go out and bang somebody new. Ha, I'm losing it...

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@kickycan,

the only thing I realllllly miss, kickster is somebody to hold my hair when I puke, and take care of me when I am verra sickly.

Ima ask you one question 'bout this girl.

if you take the sex out of it*... was the rest of it worth keeping for eternity...?

or death, which usually comes first.

*the sex will go out of it naturally soon enough. that's what marriage does to a relationship...

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Is it love or limerence?

http://www.ehow.com/how_4610438_tell-love-limerence.html

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@Linkat,

Oh, yeah, Linkat! Lemme say, I was only answering the question asked, which was "the rewards" of a long-term relationship.

Had he asked about "the punishments," may answer would have been different! Laughing

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@Rockhead,

Quote:

*the sex will go out of it naturally soon enough. that's what marriage does to a relationship...

Not always!

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@sullyfish6,

sullyfish6 wrote:

Is it love or limerence?

http://www.ehow.com/how_4610438_tell-love-limerence.html

I looked at this... and went, wha? on question 2:

Quote:

Has the love lasted for a period of two to six years? If so add another point to your limerance column. If the feelings have lasted shorter than 2 years, or longer than six years add a point for love.

Is this some sort of typo? Or am I missing some big point here?

I think the two-column written exercise is a good idea anyway. One can just have a "good bits" column and a "bad bits" column, adding to it over several days. It's helped me in the past.

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@Rockhead,

Rockhead wrote:

*the sex will go out of it naturally soon enough. that's what marriage does to a relationship...

then you are in the wrong relationship muh'dear.

thats a reflection of a bad match not a natural occurance..

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@kickycan,

kickycan wrote:

"We belong together, maybe we should try again" periods. I'm thinking maybe we just have to accept the fact that this is who we are as a couple, an imperfect match, and as such, we are going to bicker and fight sometimes, but we both want to be together enough that it's all worth it, and if we keep working on the things that aren't right, and just stick together, we'll make it work, dammit!

This thought is all nice and fine and dandy my dear.. but..

Has this happened before?

Has there been a large issue between the two of you that you HAVE worked out and it STAYED worked out?

How easy was it to do?
How long did the change take?
How willing were both of you to compromise?
Was it like pulling teeth?

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@Rockhead,

Quote:

*the sex will go out of it naturally soon enough. that's what marriage does to a relationship...

I agree with other gals here - the sex can actually get better. It may not be as frequent, but the quality can improve with age like a fine wine.

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@shewolfnm,

was. don't do relationships anymore.

but kicky knows that, and can take that into consideration.

i got the sense from his posts that she was mebbe not the most compromising of princesses.

that attitude seems to have become increasingly popular with the young ladies these days...

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Green Witch wrote:

but the quality can improve with age like a fine wine.

It certainly does!

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@Green Witch,

Quote:

I agree with other gals here - the sex can actually get better. It may not be as frequent, but the quality can improve with age like a fine wine.

if you can keep the passion going, a lot of people don't. They get comfortable, in ruts, and their sig other becomes more their best friend than the one they have a strong urge to pounce on.

The idea that your spouse should be your best friend is a particularly American affliction. It can work, but is not required, and in my opinion is not even desirable. It puts too much pressure on the relationship, and it tends to kill passion.

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@hawkeye10,

ive only been in two relationships, both for a month.apparently all im good for is sex. which isnt bad i guess.being a guy im supposed to be all about it. all the time.

i really do wish i knew what the benefit was. im 25 and pretty soon i wont be able to hook up with anyone cuz they are all going to be married.

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@ghostinthemachine702,

I know, 25 is really old to be single.

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@Linkat,

it is old not to have never been in a solid relationship.

the next time a girl tells me she just wants to **** im going celibate again.

i swear to effing god. me and my good friend are on this thing where we wont **** a girl for the first month after we start talking.

its so odd how many of them dont make it.

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@ghostinthemachine702,

TIMES! they areaaaAAA CHANGIIIIIIN!

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What are the rewards of being in a long-term relationship?

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