IAM A CHEATER

sometimes, its just best to keep your mouth shut.

Seriously.
Dont say a thing.

What was the interval between sleeping with this other guy and breaking up with Kyle?

About 20 days

Hmmmm....

That's tricky.

How much is this bothering you now?

The fact that Kyle is friends with this other dude makes things more complicated. If he's gonna learn about it, much better that he learn it from you than from elsewhere.

But maybe he won't learn about it.

Hmmmmm....

If this is bothering you a lot I'd tend to say out with it and see what happens. Better now than have it come out after you get married and have kids...

So what's the worse case scenario?

He blabbs?

Simply:
1) tell him (an anyone else) that he must have been drunk and it wasn't you.
2) tell everyone it was during the time you weren't committed to anyone.

PS - Watch the drinking. Apparently you do things you regret later when you overtop the buzz. Buzz is good, blasted is bad.

You should be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. You could not tell him, and you might get away with it, but the person you are hurting is yourself.

Cheating is wrong - you know it's wrong - you did it - you own it. Hiding it from him will not let you escape this.

Cycloptichorn

**** yeah keep your mouth shut.

You're too young to remember this expression, unless you're a fan of film noir, but here goes...."There's 8 million stories in this naked city, and this has been one of them."

No one, and I mean NO ONE has to know all of your business.

So what if you someday get married and have 10 kids? We all have the right to keep something to ourselves.

Not telling someone every little thing makes you a person who has a private side, not evil or devious.

Mature adults learn to keep something of themselves, to themselves, and don't go the Jerry Spring/Dr. Phil route.

Even if I felt I were hurting myself, I'd rather do that instead of hurting someone else.

You tell him, now you're both hurt.

What does that gain anyone?

I'm not saying like if there was an entire affair, and there was intent to stay with the person, and screw someone else at the same time.

She wasn't intending on staying with, or getting back together with this guy, so at that moment it was none of his bees wax.

If you can't be honest with the person you love, your whole relationship is a sham anyway. It gains them the ability to move forward at all. Otherwise it's just a big lie.

The feelings of guilt the OP are experiencing are valid ones and indicators that she should do something to remedy the situation.



It isn't like they were broken up at the time; they were not. No matter what her intentions were, it was dishonorable in the extreme.

And the guy has a right to know, because someone who will cheat once will do it again.

It's just a question of personal pride and responsibility. You **** up, you own it. Not telling the person who it impacts the most is the coward's route out.

Cycloptichorn

Yeah, but the guy she cheated WITH is now hanging out with her boyfriend.

Maybe he'll keep his mouth shut, maybe he won't.

Maybe if he doesn't keep his mouth shut, it'll be purposeful, maybe it won't. (Kyle: "and then right after she does this cute thing with her nose..." Other dude, wistfully, staring into the distance: "Yeah, it's adorable..." Kyle: "WTF man??")

Or maybe it'll just prey on Ms. Hello to the point where she can't keep her mouth shut.

And there were probably other people at the party too, mutual acquaintances it sounds like.

If there were a magic wand that could relegate it to the dustbins of history, never to be revealed, I could see keeping your mouth shut. But there's all kinds of potential for it coming out, and it's worse for her if it comes from someone else.

your partner is your partner.

Not your trash dump.

They DONT need to know everything about you . Especially when you are seeking personal redemption.

Mum's the word.

Meet the crisis when and if it happens.

Thankyou everyone for the advice, i appreciate it. I want to tell him, but if i did, i know it will not only ruin our relationship but it will burn his friendship with Mike. This is a given. And I do really like him, which makes me not want to ruin everything and hurt him. Put in his situation, I keep questioning if I would want to know, and I know thats a yes. But I also know that I would probably end it if it were the other way around.
Yes, you can say im a coward, but only a coward because im scared of the consequences it will create now. At the time I had completely justified everything i was doing to be right, and i know blaming alcohol for this would be ridiculous, but i agree, it masks the real you, the instant intentions are there (i pushed him away) but what good is this, when i ignored them anyway?
So far Ive never said a word, and I really intended on keeping it that way until the other night at a wedding when both were there again, Mike was drunk for the first time in a long time, he fell over and I helped him up then he said 'careful now, dont want a repeat performance of davids' and winked. Luckily Kyle didnt hear, but I was so nervous he was going to find out, I nearly told him myself before Mike could beat me to it. He didnt actually say anything about that night to him, but it was that comment that spurred me to get advice on whether i should tell him or not.

Personally, I would sit Kyle down and just explain it all to him. You must be walking on eggshells wondering if this other guy is gonna blab or not. You said Kyle is the guy you fell in love with again. Love without trust isn't love at all as far as I am concerned.

If things were that bad and you ended up breaking up I am sure Kyle would take that into consideration. I really hope things work out for you.

I'm sorry to say that this is the same reason that everyone engages in cowardly behavior from time to time. The right thing to do is face your fears and confront the situation head-on.

The bad feelings you have will not vanish as time goes by. I would also say that if this dude is dropping comments about it when he's drunk, you are in trouble. The truth will come out sooner or later and you sure as hell don't want to be caught in a lie - it will be ten times as bad.

Cycloptichorn

That's right.
That's why I would never tell Wally what happened between the 2 of us.

He'd have wanted to watch anyway, and that's just wrong.

Seriously, you are spot on with the "seeking personal redemption" aspect.

Not that you were calling me this Cyclo, or that I would care if you did, but I am no coward. But one learns while travel over lifes road to pick their battles. If one chose to openly and fully address every single word ever said while not in the others presence, or every action taken, none of us would ever have those glorious spans of time where the contentment of just being with another person is near bliss.

Every relationship has bones of contention. Do we really need to gnaw at each one? If couples did that, they would have no strength, in the form of trust, to be there for each other for those tough times when you have to just believe the other is there for you.

I wouldn't lose any sleep wondering if this other guy would someday tell my BF, assuming they even stay together anyway.
I wouldn't worry that the other guy will agree with my BF when he talks about the cute way I wrinkle my nose.
The guys got his own fish to fry. What about if he has a GF?

If he says something, deal with it then. There's enough trouble out there without me having to look for it.

They screwed once, they were both drunk, the guy probably doesn't have a really clear memory of whether or not she even has a nose.

Life is a web, I'm not sure I want to pluck one string and get the whole thing vibrating, unless it's worth it.

Seeking personal redemption, otherwise known as "I feel guilty, so in telling you, maybe I'll feel better" That's cowardly, and selfish.

Problem is, she won't, and it'll open a whole 'nother can of worms.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

The good, the lesson that comes from this is the maturity to live with your mistake, not drag someone else into your ****, and not do that again.



You're not a coward hello you, and don't let anyone label you one.

It's great for someone on the internet to tell you to fess up. They don't have to deal with the outcome, which may be different from what you expect.

You say that you would want to know....I'll ask you that again in 20 or 30 years.

Can you imagine all the working things out you'd have to deal with in that time, if you felt you had to confess every little thing?

There's nothing cowardly about keeping part of you private.

A Coward is someone who consistently engages is cowardly behavior. Everyone either does or is tempted to SOME of the time. So I wouldn't label you a coward or the OP either; it's not a fair label.

But, this is hardly a 'pick your battles' issue, or 'every single word' that was said outside of someone's presence. It's not a 'white lie.' Infidelity is serious business, there's probably not something worse you could do to someone you care about other then physically assaulting them.



Bullshit. Failing to tell a significant other that you got drunk and fucked some other guy at a party is a cowardly act. If you consider it a mistake, own up to your mistake. It's not a personal issue, it's not something that doesn't concern the other party; it concerns them big-time.

Very weak, chai, very weak sauce indeed.



What do you call someone who consciously avoids battles in which they will probably lose, for fear of losing - no matter the consequences? What's the word for that? Because I believe the word is indeed 'coward.'

Cycloptichorn

chai2, I know this might sound kind of silly but this situation does remind me of what happens on soap operas. Someone has a secret, someone knows about it, someone is afraid it'll come out, it comes out, someone is hurt, etc. Silly yes, but I think it does fit here.

Hello you, please understand I am not trying to be demeaning by saying the soap opera thing. The situation just fits.

I am kind of wondering just how uncomfortable this other guy is gonna make things. He has already made and a comment and "winked" about it. What happens if he decides to tell you hey sleep with me again or I'll tell Kyle? What happens if he gets drunk some night he's out with the boys and he tells one of them or he actually tells Kyle? I say trust Kyle. Trust he cares and will understand. If he doesn't understand then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

I definitely see your point chai2 about not doing this for personal redemption and I do have to agree with that up to a point. Can you imagine being Kyle and that other guy tells him instead of his girlfriend? I would imagine Kyle's first thought is gonna be that he has been made a fool of by both the other guy and his girl.

Now that is total bullshit.

Don't make univeral statements about how anyone, including yourself, is going to feel for the rest of their lives.



ok, hello there is going to make up her mind what she wants to do, and whatever decision she makes is hers, and valid.

just giving 2 polar opposite outcomes, one out of many.

she tells, they break up, in 10, 20, 30, 40 years she's been married to, or not, to someone else and is happy, or not, in her life.

she doesn't tell, they marry, and in 40 years she thinks "boy I'm glad I didn't tell him about that (now considered 40 years later) little mistake I made with the guy whose name I can even remember. We've had a good life, and I'm glad I didn't risk not having this.

It's funny how what is considered so urgent at this moment fades as the roller coaster of hormones and emotions even out, and the potential for having some dumb mistake thrown back in your face every time you look at someone the wrong way seems more and more like old news.