IAM A CHEATER

It is difficult for me to understand the mentality that justifies major transgressions towards someone you care about by saying 'oh well, your guilt will fade over time.' This opinion does not reflect well upon you, Chai.

Sleeping with someone else and then lying about it is not a 'little mistake.' It is a major problem and one that deserves to be addressed.

Sorry if this hits a little too close to home for ya... but infidelity is detestable behavior, a lowering of oneself, and should be condemned.

Cycloptichorn

Why, do you know something about me that I don't?

You seem to like to make a lot of assumptions about what others feel, or should feel.

If it's difficult for you to understand, that's your issue, not mine.

I believe the word is realistic.

Nothing else for me to say, other then the fact that I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone like you - who feels that it's okay to make major errors in judgment and lie about them in order to spare the trouble of dealing with them.

What's your opinion on stealing from or assaulting someone? I guess that doesn't have to be mentioned either? Is there any lie that cannot be excused by your mentality? It would seem not. As I said earlier - how can you possibly believe that this reflects well upon you, Chai? You are basically stating 'I don't give a **** if I do bad things, I don't feel bad about them, because it isn't advantageous for me to feel bad/I don't want to deal with the consequences of my actions.' What a wonderful worldview.

Original Poster - as I said earlier, you know what you did. It's not about either of the other guys. It's about you. Are you an honest person who tells people the truth and owns up to their actions, or a liar? A cheater?

Do the right thing, even if it hurts to do so. You won't regret it in the long run.

Cycloptichorn

It's only a soap opera if you have a soap opera mentality.

It doesn't have to be that way, but it is for people who can't keep their mouths shut.
People like that think everyone life is some reality show, and that there is a panel of judges rating you, and an audience that alternatively boos or cheers according to how well you perform your little pycho-drama for them.

I guess in todays world where you see people sitting on Jerry Springer, Dr. Phil, whatever (I've never watched Dr. Phil, and have only watched Springer briefly, for entertainment value, then realized I was demeaning myself) talking about the most intimate details of their trailer trash lives, it makes sense to think of these things like a soap opera.

But it's not a soap opera. It's not reality TV.
It's private business, between the 2 parties involved.

As far as party boy, in grown up land, just because he's friends with my BF, doesn't mean I have to spend time with him.
If he's a drunk apt to open his mouth, the risk is greatly reduced if I'm not around helping him off the floor.

Me? If I caught that comment and wink, I'd certainly be having a come to Jesus talk with him later. A fast one, not long and drawn out.

What ever happened to discretion?

You know, unbelievable as this sounds, some people can be quite discrete with their goings on, and I'm not just talking sexually.

Discretion is weighing the outcomes, and acting accordingly.

It's naive in the extreme to think everything, again, not just sexually, has to be all open to the public.

I don't know anything about being a coward, but I'm sure no idiot.

Just like you weren't address me in particular A.M., I'm not picking you out, just using an example from your thread to be clearer...

Some people would have a pregnant horse, and just deal with the vet and the prior owner to figure out when it was going to foal. The people who care.

Others have to update the world with every single time the pregnant mare blinks the wrong way.

Some people get drunk, do something stupid, and deal with the other stupid person.
Others fret about water under the bridge and move on.

You know, much as I hate to admit this, this has just GOT to be some American thing.

I could not imagine this convesation happening in Italy or France.

Well, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with you, or someone like you, also.

Not because of this thread, but because I'm not in love with, or married to you.

Am I supposed to argue that I'm not a bad person or something?

****.
Ask anyone.
I have no morals.

Now stop trolling
You've said your piece, now scram.

I don't have a soap opera mentality. That sounds like a soap opera to me. Drama, drama, drama.

I say shoot straight get it out there and let the chips fall where they may. What happened happened. I would definitely say if there is a chance for the relationship to move on and get more serious - I would rather the truth come out by me before it got too serious and not after I had declared myself to the one I loved and then have winker come out and tell. I would feel like a jackass then.

I think if the fellow is worth his salt he will be strong enough to forgive the past and move on. Screw winker.

I mean that figuratively - don't screw winker literally - that is where all of this started.

Yes, they most certainly will go away over time.

And why are you picking this guy up off the floor?

Ye gads, girl. Stay away from him!!

Yikes!



Yeah, I can see why. That was exactly the kind of slip I had in mind. And that already happened... you lucked out but will that be the last close call?

I think that's the central issue at this point. You, Mike, and Kyle all hang out, with alcohol involved. (And maybe miscellaneous people who also know, people who were at David's party. ?) The chances of Kyle finding out seem kinda high to me. So: do you think you and Kyle have a better chance of making it if you tell him or if someone else does?

There's a part two once you answer that, but I think that's an important thing to figure out. (Not completely predictable of course but you know Kyle better than we do.)

That's what I'm sayin' sully.

These kids today.

Next thing you know they'll be texting each other.

ok ok ok

Obviously not real life, but there's some really great movies where this sort of this is brought up.

1st - One of my all time favorite movies "Terms of Endearment". How old is that movie and I still bust down crying when she's saying goodbye to those boys? <sigh>
Anyway, Debra Winger suspect that Flap had an affair with a student. He was so blantent and clumsy about it, and says he'll cut it off. The problem, as I felt it, was that Flap was doing the old, "older man/teacher, younger woman/student" thing. You always knew it was all about his male ego.

Well, on the other hand, Debra had a brief affair with John Lithgow. Not that the fact Flap was having an affair made it all right, but if was just handled with a lot more care, so as not to destroy the family unit.

Dig this...You really feel Winger and Lithgow are probably a good match for each other, better than Winger and Flap.
However, when Flap says he wants to transfer to another university, Winger doesn't make more of an objection that saying "but I really like it here. The kids like it here. I don't want to leave"
Of course they leave. It was bittersweet how she and Lithgow said goodbye. Both knowing they were married to someone else, and needed to stay with their spouses.
When they get to their new home, Winger discovers the only reason Flap uprooted his family was because Miss Student had transferred there.
Winger, IMO, did the honorable thing, by never hurting the relationship further by letting Flap know of her, more meaningful, affair.

Both did wrong equally.
Flaps stupidity created friction, and caused Winger to have to go through the pain of working through it, and forgiving him.

Winger? She took her secret to the grave. I felt that it was a precious memory for her, too precious to ruin by sharing with someone who wouldn't understand anyway.

Who was kinder, stronger and more mature about the whole thing?

We all have little precious gems in our lives. Little secret gardens where very special flowers grow in our heart.

I say let each person have their garden, and respect the gate.


I'll be back with the others later.

She (hello you) made it public when she posted it on a2k. She was asking for advice and opinions and she is getting them. I don't think she expected them all to be the same and I doubt she expected them all to be positive. I only mentioned the soap opera in the regard that it never works on out them when someone does something wrong and tries to hide it. Everything always comes to the light sooner or later. I guess it all depends on whether you want some kind of control over how it happens or not.

This discussion is getting a bit too heated and a bit too personal for my tastes so I'm going to back out of it. I mean no offense to anyone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on here.

hello you, I hope everything does work out well for you.

But soap operas aren't real. They are really silly made up stories where people make mistakes, so viewers can share their angst and point fingers and say "see, if you hadn't tried to hide this, you wouldn't be in this situation."

Of course in these fictitious soap operas everything comes to light sooner or later. They are dumb shows written for your entertainment. If these things did not come to light, there would be no show to watch.

Surely you don't believe this is how life works?

Somehow there is this idea out there that if anyone does something socially unacceptable, it will always come out.

People you know sit in the privacy of their homes every day doing all sorts of different, but not particulary harmful stuff.

Am I calling someone who has 3/4's of their mind made up to break up with someone, gets wasted and has a 1 night stand with someone, then eventually getting back in a relationship with the original person not particularly harmful?

You betcha I am.

What if the day before she told this BF she was breaking up with him, then met the guy at the party?
Would she have to tell him, since she was officially broken up?

What if before going to the party she 100% made up her mind to break up, and just didn't have the chance to talk to him yet?
Would she have to tell him after they got back together, even though she knew they weren't going out anymore?

She was pretty sure she didn't want to go out with him.
She got overly drunk and did what people do in that situation. Made a mistake, not some dreadful unforgivable thing, and screwed someone who was attractive to her. By the time she was that drunk and attracted to the guy, if you asked her if she had a boyfriend, she probably would have said "No, I broke up with him"

That's because people don't act the same way when they are shitfaced.

These 2 people aren't married, they have no family together. They were just going out.

So, let's say party boy spills the beans.

Deal with it then.

There's no need for her to beg and grovel for forgiveness at that time.

The truth is "I didn't even want to see you anymore mostly, I got drunk and stupid and screwed someone. Didn't mean a thing. If you want to hold that against me, see ya later. "

If someone I was dating said that to me, I'd figure "hey, I've done some bonehead things while drunk too that I wouldn't want held against me. Fair enough."

That's why I don't drink anymore.

So, you don't want to tell Kyle about your one nighter yourself?

Don't worry. Mike's going to spill the beans himself. Judging from what you've written about him mentioning your fling within earshot of Kyle, he's cocky, and is itching to rub it in Kyle's face. It's a macho thing.

No, they most certainly don't. Instead, they become internalized. Something that one 'learns to live with.' It degrades one's self-image and enjoyment of life. And you get reminded from time to time. It isn't something that anyone should choose to live with if they can do something about it.

Do you really believe that ignoring problems for long enough is a solution for them? Or that the problems ever really go away? They do not.

Besides, the other posters here are right - the odds that this isn't going to come out sooner or later seem to be somewhere around zero, and also beyond her control. Can't live with that hanging over your head.

Cycloptichorn

No, I guess you're right.

I hurt a kids feelings in 3rd grade. I still mull over that constantly almost every day.

Then, in 7th grade, I really embarrased my brother in front of his entire class in high school. That still messes me up daily.

These feelings of remorse/regret really are as strong now, decades later, as they were then.


Really, every day I consider, with great remorse, all the mistakes I've made in my life. They are all fresh wounds that I must repent for and apologize for each and every day (sometimes twice / day; I've made some big mistakes).

I imagine by the time I'm old enough to retire I'll really have some opportunity to regret over the thousands of mistakes I'll have made between now and then. This must be why some people look forward to death.
[/sarcasm] *for now




You know; I prefer to reflect on my mistakes when I realize I've made them. Create a plan/strategy to not make them again. And move the **** on. Almost 100% of the time I do this internally, with no fanfare or remorse unless the person (if I made a mistake involving another person) needs to know that I'm sorry to make them happy. It really has no effect on my own internal happiness. But I am concerned about the happiness other people feel, at least as much as I have a negative impact on their happiness (this only goes so far; I learned long ago that you can't keep everyone happy).

You have every right to your opinion about this. I don't happen to agree with it is all.

cyclo can't get over the fact that not everyone in the world lives by cyclo's personal code.

I seriously find it alarming that someone would really believe that every negative thing they've ever done is eternally internalized, unless they drag the supposedly wronged person into some cathartic exercise in confession.

Personally, I think it's just an initial reaction on hello there's part to say she'd want to know if the situation was reversed.

When I was, I don't know, 20 something I guess, that would be my reaction to. If you made me tell you why though, I'm not really sure what kind of answer I could have given.

Looking back, I think I would have wanted to know, so I could then make the other person feel as bad as he made me feel, by telling me.
I know that sounds convoluted and immature, because it is.

I can hear and see it now. The tears, the accusations, the yelling and screaming that occur when emotions are high.
The "you cheated on me? how could you? you don't love me. what did she have that I don't?" and on and on and on.
Even if you stayed together, even if through this confession, the cheater somehow felt he/she did not "internalize" this drunken mistake he can only blearily remember, that won't be the end of it.

Now you've given the cheated on feelings of betrayal they will now undoubtably internalize, unless of course numerous sleepless nights occur where this new internalized problem must be explored in depth, picking at this open wound to make sure it keeps bleeding.

I have to be clear I'm not talking about relationships that have chronic problems with cheating, or any other on going issues that can mess people up.

Maybe it's my age, maybe it's because I've had the opportunity to deal with so many facets, good and bad (mostly good) in marriage. Maybe because of those things, and the kajillion other things I've seen in life, from progressing from brash know it all youngster to whatever it is I am today. I kind of like to envision myself as novice wise elder.

It's from learning that picking your battles doesn't mean you're a coward, it means some things just aren't worth losing sleep over.
It doesn't mean you don't have a moral compass, it means that you realize you wouldn't want to have to live up to the same standards you want to impose on others.
It about realizing that everyone is allowed a stack of Get Out of Jail Free cards in life.
That doesn't mean being a weasle.
It means doing something stupid, and learning on your very own that you dodged a bullet, and you aren't going to do that again.

hello there has used the "I got drunk and screwed someone I hardly knew, while I was feeling practically broke up with a boyfriend" Get Out of Jail Free card.
She doesn't have another one of them, but hopefully has learned her lesson so she won't need it.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm too old to care about spending hours, days, weeks, whatever "working out" something as dumb as one drunken indiscretion.

Believe me, I'm frying a much bigger, life or death fish right now. One I'm just about too tired for, but the tide's starting to turn in my favor, I think.
****, I'd welcome the problem of my mate engaging in a drunken 1 night stand.
I got a much bigger tiger by the tail at the moment.

hello there, count your blessings you learned your lesson. if it comes out, it comes out.

life's too short to worry about what "might" happen.

For all you know, you are. Unless you have your wife GPS'd and monitor her every move/visitor. Deep down, she may agree with Chai2 and I that sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Maybe you're blissfully ignorant right now. If she does agree with us, do you think she's going to come right out and tell you that she may be lying to you about stuff that you're better off not knowing?

Not a pleasant thought to be sure, but entirely possible.