So, Deb, feeling any better about it all on Friday evening after work?
1. I had a horrible incident of a client firing me after I dared to hint at an awful truth...( that the mother's parenting was far more the crux of her daughter's distress than alleged sexual abuse, for which there is almost no supporting evidence.) This is a thorny issue, and needed to be confronted, but (accidentally) I didn't do it well. Hence great self-flagellation.
2. I had been absorbing (via offering to co-work a case) a torrent of a colleague's enormous distress and tension over a case that the carers concerned were making impossible for her.
This is one of those weird situations that comes up because I am way more experienced than all but one of the folk doing the clinical supervision where I work. I am used to supervising, and I would have pulled the plug on this case ages ago had I been the supervisor. Not being so, it's kind of weird absorbing the incredible angst, while not actually having any mandated power to do anything about it.
In the event, I kind of took charge when things blew yet again, and the plug has been pulled (which is going to cause a ginormous explosion, but I have senior management on board now) and I am absorbing less stuff now.
And, I think I clearly have cycles (now coming further apart) which I think really are hormonal (I have so never had hormone problems until the last few years...I kind of thought they were a myth!)...which are truly awful and difficult to manage, frankly. I manage them, but they take a lot out of me.
Also, I think there is a bit of a shelf life for my kind of work. I mean, you know the deal....I've specialised in the worst kinds of trauma and and **** forever...I think it does slowly wear away at one, especially with the ridiculous demands of legally defensive practice paperwork (which I consistently fail at, in favour of fitting people in .)
Normally one is in management by my stage of a career......but I loathe the very thought!!!! I'd happily be doing mainly clinical supervision and leadership, but, to do that, one is usually trammelled with management and admin responsibility.... Ewwwww.
And, I'm neurotic. I am overly sensitive, self-critical, put ridiculous amounts of myself on the line every day, and (except clinically) disorganized.
It's all swings and roundabouts...those very qualities add a lot to work, and have driven me up and up, clinically speaking...and add a lot to a team.
Also, this team is consistently feeling overwhelmed by demands, (mostly they do massive assessments, which are subject to constant legal bullshit, and they are overloaded and constantly feel out of control. They generally don't feel able to say "no" to work being piled on, and, given the stakes, constantly feel as though they are not doing enough for the kids, but feel destroyed by the demands. This affects even those of us doing pure therapy, because it is awful to watch and empathise with.
And I am tired.
Bring on the worried well, or a repetitive and non-demanding job!!!!!