Useless Theories

And a corollary for Thomas'

Quote:

My current useless theory is that the space-time-continuum must be warped in New York's Central Park: Whichever way you run around it, you run uphill for the most part.

The space around Central Park expands and contracts on a daily basis. No matter how carefully you calibrate your GPS watch, the distance run is always juuuuuuust a little different. My theory is that the molecules of air are more closely compacted on certain days which is also why it takes more effort to run around it.

Joe(next: my position on pasta as an Italian terrorist plot.)Nation

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@Joe Nation,

I have a theory that it takes successively longer to run round Central Park because a runner is necessarily getting more shagged-out and knackered with each run. Two factors contribute to this: the running itself and the natural progression, often going un-noticed, from youthful energy and leaping propensities to a slack, lardy sack of fat puffing and puffing its way to proving it's not a slack, lardy epidermal bladder of fat and can still give a good account of itself if requested by observers sat on the benches munching on a doughnut, for reasons I will leave to other, braver, theorists on this inspiring thread.

I agree that Central Park's natural expansions and contractions, if you will forgive the expression, and the compactedness of the molecules in the air in its ambience will also be factors to be taken into consideration although I'm inclined to think they are of minor significance compared to the ones I have tentatively suggested as all theories rightly should be. Even useless ones.

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@Joe Nation,

Joe Nation wrote:

No matter how carefully you calibrate your GPS watch, the distance run is always juuuuuuust a little different.

Try leaving the clock on overnight. In the morning, you will find your mileage increased by a little. Not by much, mind you. But hey, why look a gift horse in the mouth?

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Yes! These are some great theories!

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@Joe Nation,

Crossword puzzles must be worked in ink on newsprint. Valor accrues with crossouts and scratchupons, thus added texture to the page. Further, online crosswords are weak sisters.

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If you explain something to your wife and she doesn't get it
and you explain it again using a completely different set of terms and examples
and she still doesn't get it
and you explain the thing to her once again,
but this time using memories and statements from her own life and lips
and she still does not get what you mean exactly,
you can stop
and be well assured that you haven't any idea what you are talking about.

Joe(I'm not married anymore.... Cool

or less.)Nation

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Beowulf was actually written by a couple of drunken monks transposing the
letters of the words in their Psalter.

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My useless theory is that women want sex as much as men but require a higher level of %*&#@^ than men.

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I once came across a funny list of actual papers published in professional science journals:

Quote:

"Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects," Brian Witcombe and Dan Meyer, British Medical Journal, December 23, 2006, vol. 333, pp. 1285-7.

"Wrinkling of an Elastic Sheet Under Tension," E. Cerda, K. Ravi-Chandar, L. Mahadevan, Nature, vol. 419, October 10, 2002, pp. 579-80.

"Novel Production Method for Plant Polyphenol from Livestock Excrement Using Subcritical Water Reaction," Mayu Yamamoto, International Medical Center of Japan.

"Woodpeckers and Head Injury," Philip R.A. May, Joaquin M. Fuster, Paul Newman and Ada Hirschman, Lancet, vol. 307, no. 7957, February 28, 1976, pp. 454-5.

"Dung Preference of the Dung Beetle Scarabaeus cristatus Fab (Coleoptera-Scarabaeidae) from Kuwait," Wasmia Al-Houty and Faten Al-Musalam, Journal of Arid Environments, vol. 35, no. 3, 1997, pp. 511-6.

"Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly," Daniel M. Oppenheimer, Applied Cognitive Psychology, vol. 20, no. 2, March 2006, pp. 139-56.

"Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage," Francis M. Fesmire, Annals of Emergency Medicine, vol. 17, no. 8, August 1988 p. 872.

"Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?" American Institute of Chemical Engineers Journal, Brian Gettelfinger and E. L. Cussler, vol. 50, no. 11, October 2004, pp. 2646-7.

"The Effect of Country Music on Suicide." James Gundlach, Social Forces, vol. 71, no. 1, September 1992, pp. 211-8.

1 Reply

Hot showers are ambition killers. Especially when it's cold outside.

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@wandeljw,

Quote:

"Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage," Francis M. Fesmire, Annals of Emergency Medicine, vol. 17, no. 8, August 1988 p. 872.

I have several thoughts.

1) Why use a computer for this? (teehee)
2) Isn't this just an extension of the "shock the hiccups away" school of thought?

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@DrewDad,

That sounds reasonable. If someone "gooses" you, it would scare away the hiccups. We should test this theory on our spouses.

1 Reply

I have a theory about typos. It starts with the hypothesis that typos are living, conscious, even rational beings with twisted little souls. Over the years, they have strategically evolved to minimize my chances of catching them, and to maximize their potential to embarrass me.

Most of my typos are phonetic, as opposed to hitting just any old wrong keys at random. Typos do that so I don't catch them when I mumble my post semi-aloudly before I hit "reply".
Most of the phonetic typos I make produce syntactically valid words: plain instead of plane, or their instead of there, and so forth. Typos do that on purpose so that spell checkers can't catch them.
Most typos will slip in during the first edit of my post. They know that that's when I think I can improve on your initial, free-writing brainstorm, but actually screw it up. They then manipulate my brain into thinking I did a good job and need no further edit.
In addition to typos, first edits also tend to introduce a close relative of theirs. After a first edit, sentences will have either two predicates or none at all. They won't have the one predicate they're supposed to. You can call this a grammaro if you will -- I don't think there's an actual word for it. The grammaros then help the typos persuade my brain that further edits are unnecessary. They are just as twisted as the rest of their family.
Someday, some ambitious assistant professor in psychology will find a way to categorize human personalities by the typos they make. The theory will become a new fad in academics. It will also put its creator on the New York Times bestseller list, and earn him tenure at a top university before he turns 35. That's the lengths to which typos go to get our attention -- after we've published them.
Another point of the typos' strategy: They make me just aware enough of their existence to make me develop nerdy theories about them and describe them in typo ridden posts. But they strategically leave me ignorant enough of them so I don't eradicate them.

And that's my useless theory for today.

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@wandeljw,

Quote:

That sounds reasonable. If someone "gooses" you, it would scare away the hiccups. We should test this theory on our spouses.

It won't work on spouses wande because it's the surprise and shocked indignation that does the trick and not the actual goosing itself.

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@Thomas,

Wine usually tastes best on the day after the one you've opened it. Not an impressive theory intellectually, but very well-tested empirically.

1 Reply

@Thomas,

Bell peppers usually taste better when you eat them, not an hour later.

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@roger,

Which is why I don't eat them. My theory on the topic is that if I can tell by my burps what I ate earlier in the day, that food is not good for me.

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Still trying to think of a useless theory I've concocted myself, k.
I think, though, I might have given up on any rhyme or reason for anything being the way it is, these days. Confused

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I think most of these theories have had help from people other than the ones who posted them. Theories tend to spin out other theories.

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@littlek,

littlek wrote:

I think most of these theories have had help from people other than the ones
who posted them. Theories tend to spin out other theories.

In theory . . .

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