Boss Hitting on me?

I would report it then to HR in the main office.

You should ask them what to do-- I will bet there is a policy in place to resolve these issues. My advice would be to be as non-confrontational as possible-- word it that you feel uncomfortable (I think this is a good phrase) and would like help communicating what you are uncomfortable. This way there is a way that your boss could stop bothering you without affecting your work situation (I think that this is what you want).

Use email. Then there will be a record should you need one (and having one is not a bad idea if something happens). Telling the story about him rubbing your back, as well as any other specific examples where you felt uncomfortable would be a great idea.

There is a lot of pressure (i.e. legal pressure) on US companies to handle these sorts of complaints. Having email on record that you made this complaint gives you instant protection against any retaliation.

Start talking about your boy friend; you know, the guy you date who is both a karate instructor and is jealous as hell.

I can assure you that the harassment will stop.

I think with your expanded comments that this guy is totally out of line. I don't think he will back off from the mentioning of a boyfriend. I agree with the people who are saying "keep records". Start a diary of everything he says and does. He sounds like the type who is not going to be easily stopped and he has the power and experience advantage. A daily diary of events counts as evidence and you might need it in the future. Also try and get other people to witness your interactions with him so you can call on them to back you up if need be.

He might be doing it out of boredom.


That 's good advice.

In addition to what others have said, and you're probably at this stage already but just in case, don't provide him with any opportunities like the "is there water on my back?" thing. Stay cool and professional at all times, and think about what responses might be to anything you say/ do.

Sure hope this is resolved for you soon, I know it's very stressful.

My father doesn't pull **** like that.

And this guy shouldn't, either. The touching is over the line.

Since the company is large, you can go to HR.

Indeed; touching is over the line.

I had a dirty old man for a boss once. It was awful. He would leave zerox copies of illustrated porn jokes in my work folder, make sexually explicit comments etc.

I quit, but not before getting another job.

If he is wired for quirky he is not going to change.

Sexual harrassment is a torment in the work place.

Don't laugh or even smile at any of his comments that are inappropriate. Do not encourage any familiarity at all. When I have to work around men like this, I find that me giving them a blank bored glazed stare when they think they are cute, works wonders. Any sort of even a half smile, they see as encouragement. Do not have any conversations that aren't work related.
Don't think you have to be nice to people that flirt with you. You are there to work, not be annoyed by stupid unwanted remarks. Be rude.

Actually, this is very good advice. This jerk has problems at home, or? He is trying to control you, get a rise out of you. Give him nothing but "a blank, bored, glazed stare.

Also, though, depending on the man, a very loud laugh and some comment like, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME?" scares the heck out of them. If he asks you again who you are talking to, say, "EXCUSE ME?" WHAT are you talking about?

Bring it out in the open. Talk very loud. He thinks maybe you and him have a little secret?

"He thinks maybe you and him have a little secret?" Yes I think that is correct... he once even told me that he would whip me that he would "bend me over his knee and whip me" I didn't do something right and thats what he said.. of course I laughed it off but was shocked that he said what he did. Now he jokes about taking his belt to me. And then there was a time that he said " I'd do anything for you" in a real soft kind of concerned way...I asked him if he would wait for me and another woman at the office because we wanted to go get food.

It's confusing because sometimes I think he is just a very nice man and then other times I'm thiking he's flirting with me.

He even talks about his wife quite offten.

I just wish that he really didn't mean anything by what he says/does.. but some of it is very strange!!!

lady, I think this man, your boss, is maybe sick and even dangerous. Maybe you could just quietly look for another job. Leave, with no fanfare. He may be mistaking your innocence, your kindness, with something else.

Should you report him, there is no way you can describe his strange words and actions. Obviously, there are those "little bells" ringing in your head. Listen to those little bells. Nobody would act "strange" if they are not.

I suspect his intent is really just being silly in a juvenile sort of way. More of a joke among friends "because she knows i really dont mean it". I have no doubt however that should you reciprocate in some manner he would "up the ante".

Regardless of his intent his words and actions are making you feel uncomfortable and you need to discuss it with him.

Because some men are really quite thick in this department you need to make a list of the things he has said that made you feel uncomfortable. include dates if possible. eg last week or last month are acceptable.

Ask for a meeting.
Start with a positve:
eg:
"I enjoy my work and working with you and I believe I make a valuable contribution to this team however I need us to be very professional in this discussion because i know what i have to say will make you feel uncomfortable but i need you to allow me to say what i have to say and undertand my feelings.

Always blame the action rather than the person:
"Some of the things that have been said in the office make me feel uncomfortable". Here are some examples.... read from the list.
Make a point of being very clear in your expectations for the relationship (thats probably not a good word).
eg:
"I do not now and will not in the future consider any kind of personal relationship wih you." or "I want our relationship to remain on a strictly professional level." (Definitly dont say I'd like us to be friends)

Make sure he understands that harrasment is in the eye of the beholder ie you, regardless of whether there was any intent to flirt.

Quietly ensure that a trusted friend from outside work is aware of the meeting and the content of what you are going to say.

I suggest you write down what you want to say in full and practice it with your friend. that way you can direct the meeting.

Remember to listen in your turn and graciaously accept the apology and lack of intent if it comes.

DO NOT APOLOGISE to him for feeling the way you do.
Your tone, inflection and body language can mean a lot and that is why you should practice what you have to say. Practice will give you confidence and that will show up in your body langauage etc.

It is not time to threaten ie: "if this continues i will find alternative work"
be confident but not threatening in your delivery.

hope this is helpfull

Thank you everyone for all your help!

UPDATE:

Yeah my boss was hitting on me.. and he has said and done some more things that make it very clear!
Him and his wife are having problems too ( no sex) he let that one slip out. And really now it makes since the way he acts after I found that out.

How have you been dealing with it?

When I was 20 I had a part time job at a real estate office.

There was a guy there, seemed old to me at the time, probably about 45 to 50.

One time I was standing at the copy machine, and as he walked behind me "accidently" let his hand glide over my butt. Funny how that could happen, since it was the palm of his hand, which should have been turned inward toward his body.

I looked him directly in the eye and said in a loud clear voice "If you ever do anything like that again, I will call your wife on the phone and tell her what you did"

I really don't know at that instant what kind of reaction I expected. He turned pale, didn't say a word and walked away. He never did anything to me again, and I'm pretty sure he thought twice about doing that to some other young woman in the future.

People like your boss, or this man, do things like that because they don't get clear messages that they are not allowed to speak to you in a certain way, or touch you.

I'm with soz in that you should not have asked him about the water on your back.
I'm going to be blunt here, you had to have known you were inviting him to look at your ass. You can tell when your clothes are wet, you don't need to ask someone, especially the person who is making you uncomfortable. Others may come on here and say that you probably meant that innocently, but I don't buy it.
It takes one to know one my dear. When I was a young woman, I'd make sure I got to a staircase right before a guy I thought was cute, so I could walk up the stairs in front of him. I'm sure the guy wasn't checking out my new shoulder bag.

20 year old girls have an effect on 45 year old men.
45 year old men can be led around by their dick.

As mame said. Nip it in the bud. Well, too late for that, but you can certainly stop his bullshit.

Think of it this way. You're putting an end to his behavior will make life easier for the 20 year olds that come after you.

I love men. Men are wonderful. But letting behavior like this slide is not helping wonderful women.

This is interesting to me, as a contrast between male n female behavior.
If I had ever had it happen that a girl or woman had touched me
similarly to how it happened with Chai, I 'd not have done nor said
anything to hurt her feelings nor to intimidate her. Some people
on this forum know that I have a history of interest in and support
of self-defense; I have not changed my mind, but I find the difference
between male and female response to getting touched on the job
to be psychologically intriguing. (I am drawn like a magnet to "psychologically intriguing.")

I don 't remember that any woman ever put her hand on me, on-the-job.
The closest that I can relate to that was some young ladies over
the years who spoke to me in sensuous ways, one who advocated
that girls from the office shoud be dated and one of my secretaries
who kind of laid out on my desk. (Most of the time, I considered them
to be gold diggers, who only deemed me to be an obstacle between them and my cash.)
Anyway, my inclination was to ease out of the situation without hurting the girls' feelings.
Contrasting this with Chai 's situation, I think that she was RIGHT in applying force and
intimidation to deflect further untoward and inappropriate contact with the offender.
What she did worked and he deserved what he got.
On the other hand, if I had been impolite toward those girls,
I 'd have felt guilty, even to now. I can be vulnerable to feelings of guilt.

I think its interesting how the male and female experiences of this differ.





David

Hey there, I think the contrast would be more between generations. At one time, many moons ago, a young woman would try not to hurt a 45-year-old man's (or older) feelings. We learned how to make wise cracks, joke along with the gent when they flirted, teased us. But, I've never had a man in a work situation touch me.

Gads, ladyinpink, get a grip! You could get some counseling, see why you are allowing this thing to happen. There must be some reason you think this is some kind of normal.

Many years ago a female coworker came behind me in a break room and pinched me in the butt. I turned around, and I must have had quite a look on my face, because she blanched. I think she was surprised that a many would be upset -- but I was.

I told her that if she did that again I would report it... then there was an awkward laugh-- but it was clear that I wasn't happy with the gesture.

There was a professional distance between us after that.