How come when someone dies, everyone acts like they never existed?

Forums: Relationships, Grief, Mourning, Abbie
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Half the people who have come over in the last 24 hours have avoided saying Lilia's name. They skirt around anything that might remind us of her and the closest they come to talking about her is to tell us that "it gets easier"

It gets easier.... Well thats great isnt it.

Why is everyone so scared about talking about death? It's not a curse you can catch by mentioning it. I really don't get why people avoid a topic that everentually happens to everyone.

When someone dies, don't act like they never exist it feels like your killing them again.
I don't want to forget my sister. I want to talk about her and cry about her and whatever.
Whats wrong with this society, they're open about it in places like China and other Asian countries so whats up with the western world?

And i'm sorry for posting this on here, it's not aimed at anyone on here but if i didn't write it somehwere i was going to shout at someone and i cant imagine that'd have gone down too well.

sorry.

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Type: Question • Score: 14 • Views: 6,489 • Replies: 46

@AbbieMcKenley,

welcome back, abbie.

I think folks get skittish 'bout death because it scares THEM.

and no one ever really knows the right thing to say.

and no one wants to cause any extra grief.

it seems to me that a lot of people start using some set of imaginary rules of behavior in times of death, and the skills are rusty, and not usually well thought out.

mostly they mean well.

you ask some tough questions for one as young as yourself...

best of.

(and you've nothing to be sorry for)

1 Reply

Hey, you can talk about her all you like on here. I lost a brother recently and this is one place I knew I could talk about him and people would understand.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Hey Abbie...

talk and shout if you wish, as much as you like here - please don't ever apologise for posting here or for how you are feeling

people don't like to talk about things where they can't control their emotions - they just don't know what to say for fear of saying the "wrong" thing or the pain is too great - problem is, not saying anything is so much harder to deal with ... you can't respond to someone not saying anything, you can't get your emotions out...

so very sorry to read of Lilia's passing

YOU Abbie - who are you talking to at home? Can you talk with someone at home?

Thoughts are with you Abbie.

Do talk/shout here if it helps in any way.

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@Rockhead,

I think Rockhead about covered it.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

I think ANY really painful topic can shut down a room of people faster than you can say, "Well, ****!"

It's what people do in "social situations," which include funerals, group dinners, and funeral receptions. They screw up and say nothing.

I've been through a lot of these situations. I think folks, at least in the US, are very afraid of "saying the wrong thing." They're not likely to do so, but they don't know that, so they remain silent.

They don't mean, I think, any harm. They're just afraid of offending, and they're frightened of death themselves.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Some cultures, the ct of tlking and mentioning the dead's name is considered a taboo.

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@farmerman,

farmerman wrote:

Some cultures, the ct of tlking and mentioning the dead's name is considered a taboo.

And in other cultures, we drink and talk and reminisce about all of the funny, happy and awful things the deceased did and laugh until we cry.

Just because others won't talk about your sister is no reason for you not to. Perhaps others will open up and share their memories if they know that it won't bring additional pain to you.

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@farmerman,

farmerman wrote:

Some cultures, the ct of tlking and mentioning the dead's name is considered a taboo.

Absolutely right, fm. Among many of the American indigenous people of the Great Plains, mentioning the name of a dead person is taboo. If you just have to say something about a dead person, you must find a round-about way of indicating who it is that you're talking about.

Different strokes and all that.

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

Hi Abbie

Did your sister die over the Christmas period? If so, I'm very sorry to hear this.
Just before Christmas I read your thread about comforting your dying sister & posted to it. I find it difficult to understand that people would not be talking about Liela & avoiding mentioning her name in the circumstances.

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

I'm sorry that's happening.

I think Rockhead covered the likely reasons very well.

Do you think you'd be able to start some conversations about her in real life?

You can always tell us about her...we'd love to hear!

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@msolga,

Quote:

Thanks everyone for being so kind, i'd just like to update you and finsish this post.

At 9pm on boxing day my sister passed away, she was at home with us and had just said goodbye to the entire family, uncles aunnts and cousins. She was was in my dad's arms on the sofa and he told her that if she waas ready, she could go now. 5 minutes later she stopped breathing, she wasn't in pain and she looked so happy and beautiful. Thank you all in the advice you gave me, it was appreciated.

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, i know we did.

I put that up on the other post so people didn't feel they still needed to answer my question. Thank you for your comments on it though.

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

Quote:

I find it difficult to understand that people would not be talking about Liela & avoiding mentioning her name in the circumstances.

They just sit there and make tea and hug each other. Its a bit wierd to watch.

Quote:

Do you think you'd be able to start some conversations about her in real life?

I'm tempted to get out the video camera and play the tapes of her on the TV. She'd have found that funny. I'm not sure if anyone else will.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Ah. Thanks, Abbie. I'm sorry I didn't see that post. My commiserations to you. This is a difficult time, I know.
I must say, you seem to be surrounded by some very strange people. How can you/they not talk about someone near to you who just died? I'm as baffled as you by their behaviour.

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@msolga,

Quote:

surrounded by some very strange people

My thoughts precisely.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

I'm tempted to get out the video camera and play the tapes of her on the TV. She'd have found that funny. I'm not sure if anyone else will.

She sounds great!!!

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Hey Abbie

Do you have tapes of Lilia that you could take up and play in your room if you wish to. It might be too difficult at this time for the family to watch - but you know, if you want to do that, that's OK too. Perhaps a family member or friend may come and join you and celebrate her laughter and life with you.

Tea and hugs - that comes often with numbness - your family/friends will be in numbsville for a while.

You are an incredibly young lady, Abbie.

Tell us about Lilia here if you'd like to.

1 Reply

@Merry Andrew,

I can vouch for that. And, I admit to being about the same, myself.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

I think that it has to do with being nervous, ill-at-ease
and afraid of accidentally making a social blunder and embarrassing themselves.
Not long ago, I made a joke with someone
and it turned out that he felt bad and got mad at me. I did not expect that. U never know.

Fear can make people stiff and awkward.
Being tense can screw u up.

In due course, maybe u 'll learn about psychological "approach-avoidance reactions."

I suggest that u write it off to a human failing like bad breath.
That 's how people are wired up inside, emotionally.

Most Respectfully, I suggest that u and your family
try to be as happy as u believe that Lilia wanted and wants u to be.

I hope that u will remain with us as a member of the forum.
U seem like a really nice girl, and we 'd all really enjoy your cyber-company.

David

1 Reply

@Izzie,

Quote:

She sounds great!!!

She was.
She had this little thing she's say every time anyone commented on how strong she was. "If you don't push it away, it'll push you down"
Before the chemo she had these she had really straight blond hair and when it started growing back it was brown and curly, she was so surprised. She always said that when she finishes chemo this time it'd be pink.

Its odd how when Lilia was alivve, nobody would talk about her dying, but now she has, alot of people won't talk about her living.

I just wish all these people would leave our house so we could talk about her. I would try to bring up the topic but i really don't know how they'll react.

I think Lil would be really annoyed with us lot if she could see us all right now. She always hated tea. and lemonaid.

4 Replies

How come when someone dies, everyone acts like they never existed?

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