How come when someone dies, everyone acts like they never existed?

@OmSigDAVID,

I'm not sure why, but your post made me smile.

I think it was the bad breath comment. Or perhaps the phrase cyber company.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Whoa Chemo regrowth hair can be weird can't it?

What's some other special stuff you remember?

Or gross stuff, for that matter!

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Quote:

Its odd how when Lilia was alivve, nobody would talk about her dying, but now she has, alot of people won't talk about her living.

<shaking head> It makes absolutely no sense, I know. Utterly baffling. Neutral

A suggestion for you Abby. (Perhaps someone has already made it on your other thread?) As you're surrounded by non-talkers/non-communicators, could I suggest a book, a sort of journal if you like, in which you can record anything & everything that comes into you mind about your sister. (Or perhaps a special computer file for this purpose.) I found this enormously comforting when I was surrounded by people I couldn't communicate with, when I was around your age & older. Then, when you can't talk, or discuss what you need to, you can write instead.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

I just wish all these people would leave our house so we could talk about her.

I would try to bring up the topic but i really don't know how they'll react.

Abbie, be BOLD!
Bring it up. Thay can 't tell u to shut up, under the circumstances.

Raise the subject of interesting experiences involving Lilia.
Its YOUR house. Its Lilia 's wake.

PRECIPITATE the conversation and steer it into the correct direction!
U will have your whole life to be glad that u did !
Begin with the BEST experience that u ever had with Lilia.
Then tell them the funniest experience that u had with her.
Let them chime in.

Discussing your life with Lilia will be cathartic,
giving vent to your emotional pain and relieving it.

Don 't be afraid; fear is not your friend.

David

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

Quote:
She sounds great!!!

She was.
She had this little thing she's say every time anyone commented on how strong she was. "If you don't push it away, it'll push you down"
Before the chemo she had these she had really straight blond hair and when it started growing back it was brown and curly, she was so surprised. She always said that when she finishes chemo this time it'd be pink.

Its odd how when Lilia was alivve, nobody would talk about her dying, but now she has, alot of people won't talk about her living.

I just wish all these people would leave our house so we could talk about her. I would try to bring up the topic but i really don't know how they'll react.

I think Lil would be really annoyed with us lot if she could see us all right now. She always hated tea. and lemonaid.

Ah yes, chemo regrowth. It is -- it follows its own rules.

As for the tea, lemonade, what did she like? Cocoa, perhaps? Soda? I mean, if we're going to raise a toast to her here, we need to know what we should be toasting with, yanno what I'm sayin'?

Or maybe just some toast.

http://shewalkssoftly.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/toast.jpg

To Lilia!

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Hello Abbie, my daughter said the same thing to me after her baby boy died. People were very sympathetic at the funeral but since then they never mention him. I think they didn't want to renew her grief and they don't really know if she wants to talk about him, you know? It's so painful.

It's been nearly 3 years now, by the way, and she's had two girls since then. She and I were shattered by his death, we missed his funny little self so much, but we talked about him all the time and I played videos of him often, just to remember him and the love I felt for him. It was really cathartic to both of us. But... life goes on and memories get fuzzy, other things take precedence, and you find you don't hurt as much. Thank heavens you have the videos, Abbie.

I am SO glad she was at home when she died, surrounded by her family. I was appalled when you wrote she was in the hospital. Caring nurses and having visitors doesn't begin to compare to actually being with your loved ones, especially for such a young one.

I hope you find some peace, Abbie.

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@dlowan,

A couple years ago before she had one of her surgerys i asked her if she knew why surgeons wore masks and she said "so if they mess up i won't know who did it"

She came out of the bath once looking at her hands and she said that she was getting really old now. We asked her why and she told us that she was bald and was going wrinkly.

When she was really ill in hospital there were bits of paper, fabric and sick bowls, coins and all sorts stuck to the walls and we couldn't work out for the life of us how they got there, we assumed that she was too sick to get up and do all that so we asked all the doctors and everyone. 63 things later we found out that apparently she wasn't too sick.

She used to really like those strawberry lace thingys her and my other little sister used to thread them up their noses and try and get them out of their mouths. That was pretty disgusting Smile

I wish i'd filmed her trying to dance to Michael Jacksons "thriller" She loved that song.

It's the little things im gunna miss. She slept smiling, she laughed at herself sneezing and she liked to tell doctors off for talking about her and not including her in the conversation. "i am listening you know"

Quote:

As for the tea, lemonade, what did she like? Cocoa, perhaps? Soda? I mean, if we're going to raise a toast to her here, we need to know what we should be toasting with, yanno what I'm sayin'?

Or maybe just some toast

Yeah she loved chocolate milk, and alot of the time it was all she could drink/eat. And noodles with soy sauce. She loved banana's because of the "tarantula's eggs" in the middle (seeds). I never could work out why thta was a reason to like them.

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@Mame,

I'm glad it' not just our friends who do that then.

She was meant to have gone back to the hospital by then but i think seeing her at home helped my parents realise that was where she was meant to be. I'm so glad she got to have her Christmas though, she'd been talking about it for ages.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

I'm glad it' not just our friends who do that then.

She was meant to have gone back to the hospital by then but i think seeing her at home helped my parents realise that was where she was meant to be. I'm so glad she got to have her Christmas though, she'd been talking about it for ages.

Indeed.

I think you kind of made that possible, didn't you?

I love the grossish stuff she did!!!

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She sounds like a hoot. I can see why you're going to miss her - what a character Smile

I, too, wish you'd videod her doing Michael Jackson Smile

Then you could have posted it here and we could all enjoy it.

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@Mame,

Thank you all. I'm glad theres some where i can come and i dunno. talk i guess.

I'm going to try and get everyone to talk now, the little kids are in bed so perhaps that'll make it easier. Besides that it's 20 past 1 in the morning and their all still sat there sipping tea. Maybe once i start they'll know its ok to talk? i dunno.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

If u have not already seen it,
I hope that u and your family will rent the movie called Ghost.

I think it will make u feel good.

David

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Good luck, Abbie.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

take care, abbie.

and remember, it's hard to fix grown-ups...

keep smiling.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

Thank you all. I'm glad theres some where i can come and i dunno. talk i guess.

I'm going to try and get everyone to talk now, the little kids are in bed so perhaps that'll make it easier. Besides that it's 20 past 1 in the morning and their all still sat there sipping tea. Maybe once i start they'll know its ok to talk? i dunno.

HOORAY! Good girl!

I bet your parents will long be grateful to u.

David

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@OmSigDAVID,

I don't know if any of you guys are still on but i just wanted to update.
Didn't exactly work quite as well as i hoped.
It was mainly me and my dad talking and them giving the occasional "yeah, i remember that" or someone starts crying which means everyone else starts but at least they know we want to talk about and remember her.

I'm glad i did it though, there were things my dad remembered that i'd forgotten and i don't think we had many tea bags left.
Lilia really was way too awesome for cancer.

Mad

Thanks. Night Night.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

I don't know if any of you guys are still on but i just wanted to update.
Didn't exactly work quite as well as i hoped.
It was mainly me and my dad talking and them giving the occasional "yeah, i remember that"
or someone starts crying which means everyone else starts but
at least they know we want to talk about and remember her.

I'm glad i did it though, there were things my dad remembered
that i'd forgotten and i don't think we had many tea bags left.
Lilia really was way too awesome for cancer.

Thanks. Night Night.

Well, your friends n family 's strengths n weaknesses
r whatever thay r; u now have the satisfaction of knowing
that u did the right thing, the brave thing, when the occasion
required it. THAT is not over. U still have freedom of speech.
U can press the issue to whatever extent u like for however long u like,
by asking questions concerning your sister of whomever u like:
" what did u think of Lil 's saying this or doing that? "
Questions will have the effect of drawing them in to conversation.

U demonstrated the extent of your love for Lil this evening; that 's to your credit.
U protected her from being forgotten at her own wake.

After my mother passed on, many years ago,
I continued staying with my relatives who had cared for her toward
the end of her Earthly life. 1958 was a significant year for my family,
and for many days I noticed that I kept referring in conversation
with them to incidents that then happened including my mother.
I started thinking that it was nice of them to put up with me
rather obsessively referring to so many occurrances of that time.
It was like for a long time everything out of my mouth began with:
"I remember back in 1958, . . . " followed by some event including
my mother, but so many, many times that I thought that I sounded
unreasonable and it was really very, very nice of them to tolerate
so much of that. Thay never complained, but I 'm sure it must have
been driving them nuts after a while and sustained for such a long time
as I kept it up. That was what my mother woud have said sounded
like "a broken record."

U have the freedom, in conversation with whomever u choose
(obviously your father, presumably also your mom) to bring up
memories of Lil, whenever circumstances move u to do so.

I hope that u will be happy that she is now in a better n more beautiful place
according to the accounts of those who 've scouted it out for us.

As several of us have already said:
u r more than welcome to talk about her in this forum.

She sounds like an extraordinary young lady.
It was our misfortune not to have known her.
Perhaps u 'll help us out and tell us about her.

David

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@AbbieMcKenley,

I 've also heard that an abundance of sleep
is of value in comforting the bereaved.

David

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Hey Abbie

Hoping you were able to get some sleep.

It's lovely to hear your memories of Lilia and to hear the love in your voice, on here, for her. I reckon she was a very sprited wee lass. She could not have wished for a more wonderful BigSis. Do tell us about her if you're able - we'd love to hear more.

You are a remarkable young lady, Abbie. Do take care.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

Quote:

Didn't exactly work quite as well as i hoped.
It was mainly me and my dad talking and them giving the occasional "yeah, i remember that" or someone starts crying which means everyone else starts but at least they know we want to talk about and remember her.

Oh I don't know, Abbie. I think you did very well. And perhaps, as much as anything else , they're all a bit stunned by the death, in shock, almost.

1 Reply

How come when someone dies, everyone acts like they never existed?

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