Smell-a-thon-cook-fest-wife must stop!

what yes/no/yes/no?

Here, I'll quote what part I liked and agree with:



Oh geez Chumly. I wouldn't call my adolescent son a liar. And I wouldn't try to instruct my husband in morality, in the same way I would hope to provide instruction to my son.

As I said,

So, I'm over talking about teflon and back to wondering about too high temps and olive oil being the cause of at least a good part of the odor problem. Chumly, did you two resolve that? Has she agreed to not use it for high heat cooking?

It's just two fat egos in collision Chum. And in my experience you have no chance.

I has arrived!

Thanks, spendi.

I went back for a looksee after spendi's sage input. I see what you mean re: yes/no/yes/no.

Did you add that last sentence in an edit or did I miss it the first time?

Chum -
Alternatives sentences you may have wanted to use:
I don't remember it that way.
I feel that's not true.
I can't understand this. What you say today is not what you said before. What is the truth?
I need you to be honest with me. What do you mean?
What you just said is not accurate.
Can you say that another way? What was just said doen't ring true.

"You Lie!" just doesn't cut it in a marital discussion.

I don't think name-calling ever helps any situation. I think it's important, if you are wanting duologue, as you call it, to try and remain factual and non-attacking. Name-calling is a form of attack. If you need/want to attack something, you would do better to attack the behaviour, not the person.

I think we've all successfully beaten this horse to death; if there are other situations where you feel disrespected, I would go forward at the counsellor's with those. Maybe you need to modify your approach and try to ascertain WHY these things are happening and WHY you are putting yourself in this situation.

We do things because we can and we stay because we're getting something out of it. So, she's being disrespectful because she can (she's getting away with it over and over), and you need to ask what you're getting out of staying in this relationship where you're being disrespected.

Really, her behaviour is symptomatic - what's the underlying problem? She's resentful of something and is or has been deliberately doing what she's doing regardless or because of your reaction. Your counsellor would be the best person to help you with this.

If you just focus on the why's of the issues you might get further along with it.

And I am sure that quoting from your notebook is not conducive to a positive resolution.

I've thought about this, and I think this is your solution:



Either use it in the room where you are, or take it to the kitchen and spray liberally whenever you hear pots being rattled.

All is peaceful on the Western Front and we are going to have a pleasant day together, the sun is shinning and there is a great view of the mountains, ocean and lake from the master bedroom, living room, kitchen...I think a dog-walk around the lake with Mrs. Chum is in order.

Mrs. Chum is still snoozing so we all have to be very quiet when we post!

groovy.

It is possibly Chum that Mrs Chum is fed up with great views of the mountains, ocean and lake from the master bedroom, living room and kitchen. And with taking the dog for a walk round the lake. And with pretending to be enjoying such things to please you.

She might feel a bit of shake, rattle and roll is in order which she associates with rattling pots and pans. You might have a gem on your hands and it frustrates her that you can't see it.

Twiddling her thumbs and wiggling her toes
Wondering what she's going to do with her day I suppose

Mrs. Chumly ate a bunch of that fancy food last night, and her farts were so bad she was relegated to the spare bedroom. She made enough of said food stuffs to supply herself with ongoing snacks and lunches, thus the end of the story for the noxious-fume-factor has yet to be written!

NO! Calling a spouse "a liar" in any circumstance is NOT productive. It's "wrong," in that it will not serve you well.

You seem to be trying to use Intellectual reasoning to solve Emotional problems. Trust me, it will never, ever work.

Other posters have given you alternative statements (about "lying") which might have given you the desired results, or at least a more positive outcome.

Who relegated her to the spare room when she was farting too much? You? Did you think she appreciated that, loved you for that?

This is, in my opinion, about WAY more than cooking or smells. In fact I believe the cooking/smells has little to do with your real issues with your partner.

I can only recommend what worked, and very well, for my husband and me. A book.

It's called "Fighting for Your Marriage." I think we spent $7 for it on Amazon.com. It strongly recommends weekly "Speaker/Listener" talks between partners, and we've been doing them for, oh, 5 years now?

With weekly talks, where one only rephrases what one has heard, you always know the emotionally-neutral talk-time is approaching, so you don't have that "build-up" of resentments, or "blow-ups" after an excess of tolerance.

As they clearly note in this book, marital arguments are often NOT, at all, Disagreements, but Failures in Communication. Once you Really Hear the other side, clearly and calmly, things often tend to "work themselves out."

I'm concerned that she seems to find you overly-critical. I'm also concerned that you find her "smells," a relatively minor problem, very offensive.

Your therapist doesn't know everything. And you obtained a therapist for a good reason in the first place. Supplement his/her work with your own.

Just my 2 cents.

She was much less smelly when we first met 12 years ago, very crisp and clean cooking-wise and fart-wise; back then she would hold her farts in for extended periods, now she will let them go with little or no provocation, she will in fact force them out on occasion with a modicum of glee.

She still looks really good though, and has not put on any weight, and works hard physically in our garden moving big rocks, and getting full dump-truck loads of soil, and planting trees and such spiffy greeneries.

Today she spent the day outside with the 5 HP Honda powered Karcher pressure washer, blasting decks and driveways and other sundry surfaces, disdaining to wear ear protection in the process.

What a find!

Today however she is spending the day with her aging senile mother. Alas this is often a definitive recipe for martial crisis because upon her return, no matter what I say or do not say, do or do not do, she will find a way to turn it into a major issue.

I've told her many times that the net result of seeing her mother is often enough a definitive bump in her aggression-frustration-impatience-argumentation-factor toward me; but she takes my view as being one of criticism and of threat to her mother's station, rather than the start of recognition and potential resolution.



This is precisely why I referenced humor a few times in prior posts, and have had success in its application!

It that after determining judicial inquiry?

Oh, the joys of marriage!

Definitive recipe for Freudian slip, as well!

Sorry, hon, I don't really mean to make fun, but well, smiles really do help.

Things to try?

"How was your day with your mom?"

"It must be really hard dealing with your mom all day. I'll bet she's not at all the way you remember her."

Me, I'd focus on the Real problem at the moment: Her feelings about her mother, and Listen, listen, listen.

After that, listen to your wife. One leading question, without judgment, can do a world of good. Oh yeah, and then, be prepared to Listen!

Don't solve, don't advise, don't judge, just look at her, maybe put your hand under your chin, and then say, "Tell me more."

Gads, if only All Husbands Knew This!