Smell-a-thon-cook-fest-wife must stop!

chummy said...
"I like the window exhaust fan idea, very nice! "

put one of them in at the bar.

helps a lot.

makes all the neighbors know what's cooking, too.

point it at what's his name, the tree trimmer's place why don'tcha...?

Ok, typhoon, that made me laugh.

We do see a counselor although I must admit the counselor seems to have problems of her own:
1) lives alone (so much for the presumed benefit of personal experience)
2) seems to prefer her cats to close relationships (enough said here me thinks)
3) is really fat (lack of self-control does not a great role model make)

Ah...the foibles of human nature plus the belief in witch-doctoring! I believe you and I may have had a chat with similar intent in that there is no body of third party double blind scientific unbiased empirical studies to reliably support the contention that marriage counselors do any better with their spouses than comparable control groups.

None-the-less as mentioned hope springs eternal and it's "free" under either of our medical plans and Mrs. Chum feels talk therapy with this counselor is of benefit, and I (already) understand what the requisites are for good relations.

However as per another chat I believe you and I may have had; I hold that the success of a relationship is not nessisarily defined by its longevity (or lack thereof). FWIW ours is 12 years now.

I don't cook with high heat, not since my wok days in the late seventies/early eighties - or I haven't until I try Jim Fahey's no knead bread recipe sometime soon.

I'm odd, have almost but not quite no sense of smell (yes, I can taste and I'm tired of that question). I keep asking people - have all my life - and they say my house and I smell fine. I sort of doubt it, I bet some people can pick up garlic oozing from my palid fishlike skin. Oh, wait..

Anyway, this is all interesting.
I sympathize with both contenders, and vote for a combo of better pans and better ventilation however obtained - and I think Butrflynet is on to something in her analysis of draft.

Yes!! She's using olive oil when she cooks these things at high temps, and yes I had a headache and sore throat, I never really associated it with her cooking until you got me thinking. We have peanut oil and I'll ask her to try it! Very cool, much obliged!

BFN 's right, olive oil has a fairly low whateveryoucallit, it breaks down at high heat.

The benefits of olive oil are destroyed by high heat. Heating olive oil can cause the fats to become carcinogenic which can trigger cancers. Olive oil is OK for low heat saute, but otherwise it should be used unheated to get the health benefits. I think the burning oil combined with the teflon fumes are doing you in. Buy her a cast iron skillet and the peanut oil someone else mentioned.

chumly, i think the ladies are on to something here...

this could also be the missing link in explaining some of your posts.

praise the lord and pass the peanut oil...

goodest of luck to you.

You might be right that it won't change things and that I can't believe her this time, I try and give her the benefit of the doubt,t else there's no point.

I agree that inconsideration is a form of disrespect, and that is the one thing I have harped on to the her and. to the counselor and of she is better than before but has a ways to go. Truth be told, I hold courtesy higher than many other human endeavors, Mrs Chum says" I'm too sensitive" and "you're more like a woman than I am".

I wholly agree that in a respectful relationship, she'd take my feelings into account and wouldn't "forget" to do the things you think would help.

Yup I agree it could be a passive-aggressive attention getting stance but telling me what exactly? Perhaps dominance and recognition of autonomy. Because as mentioned earlier she is very independent and the opposite of the quiet-soft-spoken-type.

Perhaps it's the way you are speaking to her and now it's a pissing contest between the two of you.

Get some nice smelling things (candles, etc) for the bedroom. Spray, if needed.
Sounds like that's where the real problem is . . .

Chumly, you haven't mentioned your own health and dietary requirements, which I won't think of knocking, which could contribute to your reaction - even re aesthetics, and hers back to you. All none of our business, but you have posted on them here on a2k.

She is also dealing with you.

I now do take this as a burning olive oil/teflon/air flow problem (and so on), but you haven't been clear on the divergence - for which I think both sides have a pov.

To what do you attribute the change in attitude and do I believe it this time? I have found that if I can muster enough patience over time, and if I am concision and calm and reasonable, she will sometimes come around.

I can usually tell when this has happened because there is a change in her body posture and vocal timbre; however Mrs Chumly might well see this more as some sort of defeat and loss of control. Although if my insight is correct, I doubt she would admit this to herself, or even necessarily know it conceptually, and thus it would be on an emotional level and not an intellectual level.

This is also supported by her often touting "I am never intentionally mean to you" although interestingly she often asks me to apologize for things I would suggest are of her making and not mine, and when challenged she finds little if anything to substantiate my need of an apology. This was exactly the case with respect to the cooking smells and the fact that she did not open any of the doors and only two windows.

Going a step further in this thought process, one of her "tactics" is to try and escalate and obfuscate the basic consideration to the point where I loose my patience and then demand an apology and claim I am acting as poorly as she is and thus equally to "blame".

Thus is takes Mega-Patience to deal with basic concerns involving Mrs. Chumly as things take much longer and try my mettle much more than I would think needed. In that sense she reminds me of a child as that's a common enough tactic for kids.

Yes I have brought exactly this thought process about her "tactics" to her attention many times, and most often at first she says she claims she has no clear understanding/recollection of the circumstances as I would describe them. However if I take careful notes and wait a few days until she has calmed down, I can talk to her and explain it to her and she will say something like "I see how you might think that, so I will try harder in the future". However if I bring this up there is also a good chance that she will consider this a criticism and controlling and will harbor resentment even if she agrees that she should be more considerate.

You have a superiority thing, chum.
It's a bottleneck in both of your ways. She has her stance. But you are doing the Brain, Here thing.

She may be wrong on the oil used. But I can see both sides of the personal angst.

You have a superiority thing, chum.
It's in both of your ways. She has her stance. But you are doing the Brain, Here I am thing.

She may be wrong on the oil used. But I can see both sides of the personal angst.

I too would want to hear Mrs Chumly's side of the story (in text form), but although I asked her to read this, she said no it's too long and does not have the time. I kind'a wish she would get on-line a present her views in a concrete fixed form.

I like print because once it's down it's immutable, and thus rather immune to body language, vocal timbre, interrupting, forgetfulness, etc.

Sorry re double post.

Despite it all I truly love Mrs Chumly and she has many spectacular qualities!

Print is a momentary representation, even of a second of semi thought. It is not immutable in the long run, though stamped.

I was kidding , Chumly. Being a bit cheeky.
But now your responding post has made me feel rather sad. You're not communicating all that well in the Chumly household at the moment, are you?

Tell her Osso wants to talk with her.


This makes me snort. A theater director in my pre married years had a girlfriend who was following, for her thesis, some topic about couples, and wanted to interview us, on the successful couple side, if I remember the talk.
I said a vehement no, not interested in dissecting.