Smell-a-thon-cook-fest-wife must stop!

Well, of course that's not convincing.

whoa.
I think of words like Prince of Arabi (no idea where I got that from).

Ah, chum, you don't seem to have many efforts to understanding your mate's complaints.

That's not quite true, but they are fairly demeaning.

Before you toss out all of your Teflon pans, you might want to take another look around the Internet. The big Teflon scare a couple of years ago is based on some questionable science and a lot of media hype.

Hi, engineer. But.. does that all relate to high temps?

apparent lapse.

Re your comment:

"You might be right that it won't change things and that I can't believe her this time, I try and give her the benefit of the doubt,t else there's no point."

It's like banging your head against a wall. And it's just words. Talk is cheap. I don't believe her for one second and I don't know what to think of you 'giving her the benefit of the doubt' - it's obvious this is a control issue for her. It bugs you, pisses you off, and that's why she's still doing it. Why she wants to irritate and piss you off is another question.

You said:

"I agree that inconsideration is a form of disrespect, and that is the one thing I have harped on to the her and. to the counselor and of she is better than before but has a ways to go. Truth be told, I hold courtesy higher than many other human endeavors, Mrs Chum says" I'm too sensitive" and "you're more like a woman than I am"."

Oy, consideration has nothing to do with being female or sensitive. It's common courtesy, expected from both genders.

You said: "I wholly agree that in a respectful relationship, she'd take my feelings into account and wouldn't "forget" to do the things you think would help."

Well, there you have it. You guys don't have a respectful relationship. I wonder what it is you're doing that is pissing her off, because this is spiteful behaviour - knowingly doing something, repeatedly, that really bothers the other guy. Maybe your "harping" drives her nuts?

You said: "Yup I agree it could be a passive-aggressive attention getting stance but telling me what exactly? Perhaps dominance and recognition of autonomy. Because as mentioned earlier she is very independent and the opposite of the quiet-soft-spoken-type."

Wrong again, Chumly. I am a very independent person and not exactly quiet or soft-spoken. But I am very respectful of others, especially people I love. So that has NOTHING to do with her stance. I think it's pay-back for something you're doing or what she perceives you are doing.

The fact that she's not interested in reading any of this tells you she's not interested in resolving it. However, I don't know that I'd want to read about my problems being aired with a bunch of strangers, so maybe hers is a natural reaction to having it publicized. Not cool to tell her, I think. That would likely just piss her off even more, in which case, expect another smelly cooking episode shortly.

In summary, you guys have a dysfunctional relationship going and have much work to do if you really want improvement. Communication is only one part of it - the underlying problem, I think, is the basic respect which seems to be missing. She's being defiant, not independent, and you're, well, who knows what you're doing. We'd have to get her side of it to find out. But I suspect you're probably lecturing her or lording it over her somehow.

I wish you both all the luck in the world. And by the way, staying in a relationship for any length of time is not indicative of anything but staying power. Doesn't mean the relationship is a healthy one, just that the dysfunction has become the norm for you because why would two disrespecting people want to stay together??

Wow, ummm, I'm not going to dissect your marriage over this post...

Several of my friends who cook a lot of pungent curry meals set up a stove in the garage or build an enclosed area on their decks. Just a thought.

(As an aside, I'm a terribly allergic to fish. I cannot go into sushi restaurants, or even near a fish being gutted. When I was a kid, the only time my mother could cook fish on Fridays was on the BBQ during the summer. My eyes and throat swell shut over microwaved fish, I can eat shell fish though. So I'm an expensive date... )

You're right in that my health and dietary requirements could indeed contribute to my reaction, impossible for me to confirm as it's subjective.

Strangely enough her cook-fest, accompanied by the inconsiderate not opening of any doors and only two windows, was preceded by two weeks of bliss, so there were no initiating factors that she (or I) were aware of.

The EPA also told rescue workers after 9/11 that the air was safe to breathe.

Here's a rather long examination of the situation. I think it at least gives the details someone needs to decide if the product is worth the risk:

http://environmentalchemistry.com/yogi/environmental/200603tefloncoverup.html

As I read it, you would have to heat Telfon up to temperatures that would slag your pan before worrying about Teflon breaking down, but I think there is plenty out there to help you make your own decisions. I like the Stats.org site because they are really just interested in cutting through the hyperbole to see what the real numbers say. They've got a lot on the Telfon scare. I think GW posted some opposing opinion sites.

I notice that solicitors are advertising on this thread. Your problems solved Chum.

Maybe. But in my opinion the very best thing that could be said about this particular issue is that she repeatedly displayed a thoughtless disregard. That may be sugar coating. Add selfish and I can see endorsing the idea. Like Mame, I completely disagree that the matter has anything to do with an independent streak.

But!

You’ve received some good suggestions on minimising the impact of the smell, which in combination with the other accommodations you asked for, might really make a difference. She’s finally acknowledged your complaint in a way that you can live with and agreed to employ some basic courtesy measures.

That's one issue down.

Thanks to all posters that made recommendations to increase ventilation; I'll buy some in window fans.

Thanks to all posters that made recommendations about ways to have her cook food while moderating the effects.

Thanks to Spendius and Rockhead (and whomever else may have referred to this); humor is one avenue of discourse.

Thanks to Engineer and Green Witch and Ossobuco (and whomever else may have referred to this); the controversy about Teflon is based on whether or not it's supported by empiricism, but it arguably does help bring to light my concerns. Mind you, it's not wise to hitch your wagon to a lame horse, as by example many may be doing with respect to global warming when one could much more aptly make clearly demonstrable arguments about immediate environmental degradation.

Thanks to all posters that made reference to what her motivations might truly be in this specific instance, however that remains an unknown. I guess I have a few choices:
1) bring it up myself (and risk direct and immediate argumentation / confrontation / retaliation)
2) bring it up in the presence of the counselor (and risk delayed argumentation / confrontation / retaliation)
3) forget about it and move on with the expectation that it's resolved (as I more often than not do)

Thanks to Mame and JoeBlow (and whomever else may have referred to this); I'll accept that the issue was not predicated on her assertions of autonomy. That leaves me with no explanation (logical or otherwise) of her actions outside of selfishness / thoughtless disregard / passive-aggressiveness. And no way to ensure such actions are quelled going forward.

That seems a reasonable summation of the situation Chum. She's testing your love. Anybody can love someone who does as they say. The method is quite humane compared to some stories I have read.

I know a bloke who drove his wife so far out of her senses by playing Debussy records all day long that she moved in with the widower next door.

On a further note, near the end of the evening, (I forgot to mention) that Mrs. Chumly claimed that all I had wanted from her (as supposedly defined in front of the counselor no less!) was for her to stop yelling, and this she had done, and also that no matter what how good she is, I (supposedly) always find more things to criticize about her.

I took her she was an outright liar in that I had told both her and the counselor many times with complete clarity, that I expected her to be polite and considerate and courteous, and not be either physically or emotionally abusive. I also told Mrs. Chumly that I have every right to bring to her attention my concerns (such as the cooking).

She ordered me aggressively to "get out and stop talking to me" (she was in a spare bedroom) and this I did, but not before reminding her again that she was an outright liar, and that I did not say any such thing as "all I wanted was for her to stop yelling" and I explained again that my expectations should be fully clear to both you and counselor.

Later she seemed to vaguely give me some sort of partial apology for this crap, but in truth it concerns me greatly and remains unresolved. The fact the she would outright lie about what has been spelled out every which way to Sunday is really disappointing!

What'cha'll think I should do about this specific development? Challenge her with it in front of the counselor?

When all is said and done the whole thing seems like such a waste of precious time dealing with her denial and aggressive juvenile discourteousness.

It's not lying if you are telling it the way you remember it.

Challenging her with it in front of the counselor will resolve that posthaste as would any number of notes I've written to her clearly documenting Mrs. Chumly's discourtesy specifically, to the point, and in context.

Are there really any other viable alternatives except to call her on this outright lie / denial (call it what you will)?

The only other one that comes to mind (outside of splitting up) is to let it go with the expectation that she recognized this was not the case after all and would endeavor to take the truth of the matter into account.

Chumly, I gotta ask...

do you want to win these battles, or get along with her?