dupre
 
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:31 pm
Hi, everyone!

I have a boyfriend who seems to have a dark side, at least in his imagination.

How serious is that?

For example, he's a gamer and sometimes players cheat and are unethical. Last night, he shared that he'd really like to cut the fingers off of the cheaters, and he demonstrated what that would be like, with a knife and everything.

Another time, I can't remember the "situation," but he attempted to demonstrate what it would be like to choke someone with a belt.

Am I overreacting? Or is this indicative of something more serious?

I had a now-deceased boyfriend who was a fingerprint expert for the police and schooled in criminal justice with a lot of experience. He said that almost all violent criminals start with fantasizes like the above.

Should I be worried?
 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:41 pm
@dupre,
Run. Far, far, away.
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:47 pm
@FreeDuck,
really?

I've known him for six years, just as a friend. About six months as a boyfriend. He's never been violent with me.

He's very witty and super smart, a bit of a loner. Tries hard and achieves being very charming and thoughtful. I enjoy our time together, both as a friend and as a boyfriend.

But this other really does bother me. I'm not used to it. Really, have never come across it before. Such ... such ... dark thoughts. How serious it it?
contrex
 
  0  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:48 pm
Quote:
Am I overreacting?


NO!


Quote:
Or is this indicative of something more serious?


Yes!


Quote:
I had a now-deceased boyfriend who was a fingerprint expert for the police and schooled in criminal justice with a lot of experience. He said that almost all violent criminals start with fantasizes like the above.


He was right.

Quote:
Should I be worried?


Yes.

Get away from this guy. NOW.
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:49 pm
@dupre,
Quote:
He's very witty and super smart, a bit of a loner.


Sounds like a psychopath.
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 01:50 pm
@contrex,
Really?

Any more information on that? Something more definitive? I've known him a long time ...
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:01 pm
@dupre,
Quote:
Any more information on that?


Well, you're the one who is worrying about his strangling and stabbing fantasies, worrying enough to post on here. He sure sounds creepy to me. I guess our tastes differ. Lots of plausible charming guys have turned out to be serial killers, and even if your guy is not, being "charming" is no proof at all that he would not hurt someone. But don't listen to me. Go ahead. Stay with him. It's your funeral, not mine.
0 Replies
 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:01 pm
None of us know him so we can't really say if he's a psycho or not. But dark thoughts usually don't stay thoughts forever. I'm almost more concerned about the charm aspect. Tell me, how does he feel about small animals?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:02 pm
dupre

you've been around A2K a long time, and have many people here that care for you.

Get away from this guy.

What kind of proof do you need?
Are you going to wait until he actually chokes you? Or worse?

Jesus, the thought of someone telling me he'd like show me how to choke someone, would be enough to make me literally **** myself.

Now stop being like all those females who come on here with problems that are so obvious, but they are looking for this one miniscule reason to stick with the guy.

Be careful how you get rid of this guy. I'm sure anything you do to break up with him will cause his true personality to come out.

On how to stop seeing him, I'm not much help, but I'm sure someone else here will have good ideas.


good lord
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:03 pm
They never listen, and then they end up in the trunk of a car.
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:12 pm
@contrex,
Geez! You guys are funny. I hope you are not right! I am reading up on psychopaths now. He doesn't fit the descriptions.

BTW, he's very tender with the new-born kitties in the apartment complex.

Still researching ... but surely, some people do have dark thoughts and it's not ever carried out? I mean, how in the world do writers of movies, then, even THINK of some of those things to put them in the movies? Surely, not every writer is a psychopath?

Is it a gaming thing?

Still researching on Google.

Thanks, I really do appreciate you guys responding to this. Hard to throw out a six-year friendship, you know? Other than that, he's pretty amazing! And so far, doesn't fit the psychopath descriptions I'm finding...
roger
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:14 pm
@dupre,
Have to agree with the others, dupre. And what if he really isn't psycho? It's still going to take a long time to get used to this behavior - like forever.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:30 pm
dupre, look into his family for more clues. How is his interaction with family
members and his parents? How is the father behaving towards the mother,
does your boyfriend have siblings and if yes, how do they interact with each
other. Many a times you'll find good references within the family.

Ted Bundy was extremely charismatic, smart, good looking and debonair -
did not stop him from carrying out his fantasies!
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:39 pm
@CalamityJane,
Quote:
Ted Bundy was extremely charismatic, smart, good looking and debonair -
did not stop him from carrying out his fantasies!


Exactly. I was thinking of an English guy called Haigh as well.

Consider:

The guy is a loner. He is heavily into gaming, he relates profoundly to the other intangible players, he fantasises about cutting off their fingers or strangling them. To me that spells -- to some extent - socio- if not psychopath.

The lady has self esteem and confidence issues. (She finds her boyfriend's fantasies creepy but has to ask strangers on a web forum if it's OK to leave him, and keeps finding excuses not to.)

Sorry, but to me these add up to a toxic combination. Maybe it won't lead to a violent death, but the odss are on for some kind of unhappiness.


0 Replies
 
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:53 pm
I'm reading through a great Web site on psychopaths.

I'm about a third of the way through it. Fascinating!

http://74.125.47.132/search?q=cache:S-dFsFGQDkcJ:www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm+%22psychopath%22&cd=2&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 02:58 pm
I would take the suggestion of looking into his family too but for different reasons.

Are there any family members with extreme mental disabilities?

Im sorry Im NOT going to jump on the bandwagon that says he is a murderer in hiding.
I have seen some violent things in my life and more death then i should. Because of this I can describe what I think it would be like to kill someone with graphic detail.

Does that make ME a sicko?

what if I told you that I have seen people choke to death and I can tell you exactly how it looks and what happens to them?

So, if he has had the same exposure he may be able to do the same thing.

This is not saying he is 100% safe, it is just that.. someone who is graphic with their words and fantasies does not always make a closet case killer.

HAVING SAID THAT
The fact that it makes you pause is enough to pay attention to. There is a point of just 'conversation' that is passed in someone who is a bit obsessed with a subject. We have all seen it happen. It can be an obsession as simple as shopping.. cats.. babies..etc. If he is a bit obsessed with how people die, and it is -obviously- making you pause. Pay attention to that.

Some psychological disorders are genetic.
See if anyone in his family has anything that leads to lack of human emotions like sociopaths.. ? Schizophrenics?
Not saying that is the answer. And I am definitely not saying he is sociopathic.. but you might find some answers there ..
0 Replies
 
Robert Gentel
 
  3  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 03:10 pm
@dupre,
dupre wrote:
Am I overreacting? Or is this indicative of something more serious?


The majority of people like that are not dangerous psychopaths and do, in fact, restrict themselves to fantasy. Sometimes it's not even fantasy and they just want to get a reaction out of others and get attention. But at the same time nearly all dangerous psychopaths would exhibit such behavior, and yes it can be indicative of real danger.

With only the information you provided we might as well flip a coin to decide which it is, so I'd recommend against taking any of this advice too seriously as a remote diagnosis based off no real information isn't worth much.

Quote:
Should I be worried?


For your physical safety? Maybe. But even if this is not physically dangerous it may indicate psychological or emotional problems he may have that you might want to be concerned about. Out of curiosity, how old is he?
0 Replies
 
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 04:10 pm
He's about 45.

After reading several Web sites--and one that went into great detail--about psychopaths, I can say that he is not. He has a profound sense of right and wrong. Always acutely aware of following the rules at work.

Part of his gaming goes into super heroes and the like. I think he sees himself as more of a super hero at times or wishing he was one. A righter of wrongs.

The only act of violence he ever did--according to him--was finally punching his highly abusive mother, and that was after he had finally had the wherewithal to warn her to back off. He really regrets it, but she did stop abusing him after that. And that was after years of her verbal and physical assaults.

He does have fantasies of going back to his school days and doing a better job of standing up for himself. He is quite tall, and when he was younger he did get picked on. He does have feelings, deeply. A psychopath wouldn't have even noticed or cared.

He cared deeply and tenderly for his former, now-deceased sweetheart who recently died of an illness. He was so tender and radiant when he was with her. I was so happy for them both! They made a very handsome couple.

The psychopath's tendency to conning and such, it's just not holding water with this guy. He's pretty straightforward and decent. He lent me a lot of money, so, unlike my ex-husband who let me put him through school and refused to reciprocate as he had promised and like another boyfriend of 10 years who had me paying most of the bills--live and learn!--that's just not the case here.

He's not the slightest bit materialistic and is able to save money quite easily. He's not using me or making a nuisance of himself. He offers me sound advice and perspective when I need it. Seems to have genuine feelings for others, as far as I can tell.

I've know him for six years. We walked and talked for hours through many seasons now.

I did tell him about my concerns last night, and the knife thing, and what my former boyfriend--a man he never met, but whom he does respect--had told me about the fantasies. I told him that I couldn't just shrug that aside and make light of it. That I had to take that seriously. He said he would never act on any of them, just wild thoughts he had of getting even ...

He watches a lot of those adult cartoon dark-humor-type of TV shows. I have to admit the few he's shown me are VERY funny.

Perhaps it's just a quirk?

I had one boyfriend who was a bit of a blowhard. Would brag with a colorful Tall Texas Swagger about how he was going to get even and such ... yet I could easily tell it was just his loud-mouthed way. He usually used political and social pressure to get even, despite his graphic "threats" otherwise! Ha!

Oddly enough, after reading such an academic rendering of the psychopath, I would now upgrade both my mother and my sister from narcissists to full-fledged psychopaths. They both fit the bill! They hit on each and every point. Explains tons.

hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 05:12 pm
the problem for you is that while it is true that criminals often start with perverted sexuality and violent imaginations, a huge chunk of the population also are perverted sexually and have violent imaginations. If you are going to attempt to stay with safe people you have every chance of failing, because the guy who you think has none of these tendencies might very well have them but be keeping them secret. If you should find a guy who really has no dark side he almost certainly will bore you to death.

The best course of action is no not worry about this stuff, and maybe even play act along in bedroom games, unless you come to think that he really could make his fantasies real. Then, and only then, should you get away for your own protection.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2009 06:09 pm
@dupre,
dupre wrote:

Another time, I can't remember the "situation," but he attempted to demonstrate what it would be like to choke someone with a belt.




Well, it's not like he's trying to do any of the things he fantasizes about, is it? Rolling Eyes

dupre, you wouldn't be writing here if your gut wasn't telling you something.

Now your crawfishing like "it's not that bad"

Plus, this boyfriend of your has the endorsement of the previous poster, who is a total perv.

Go ahead, it's your life.
But don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer.
 

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