Over the Line?

So your conclusion is that everyone who engages in sexual breath play wants to choke someone to death, or be choked to death???!! Obviously you don't have a clue.

where did dupre ever say anything about sexual breath "play"?

she said he wanted demonstrate how to choke someone.

obviously you read your perverted brand of sex into everything. Like the way you and others of your ilk call depriving someone of oxygen play....that's plain sickening.

but, I'll be drawn no further into any discussion with you.

No .... the choking wasn't during anything intimate.

I have heard about those sorts of things from the deceased boyfriend. His specialty was deviant sex crimes.

You and about half the people that responded to you.

Fantasizing about killing someone is hardly abnormal. Most people think about it at one point or another. As to how far they go in planning it is something else entirely.

If you believed the response by people here, every writer of crime fiction is a psychopath and no one should have a relationship with them. A morbid curiosity about murder doesn't make one a murderer.

I know the best place to dump a body within a few miles of my home so it might never be found. It's still the best place because I haven't yet had occasion to actually dump one there.

Anyway, I like the following response, and pardon me for not using the quoting feature. I don't know how to work the new system:

"The majority of people like that are not dangerous psychopaths and do, in fact, restrict themselves to fantasy. "

I'm not living with him and he's not my only boyfriend. It's just a good friendship that has blossomed into more.

I'll bank on the majority and my now six years of knowing the man.

parados: Thanks for being the voice of reason here.

still, you asked the question...

He is not the lone voice here.
I agree and said so on the first page.


One of the things I thought of since I read this thread was how graphic things are now on tv , in games, even in books.
How could one NOT be able to describe death and the human body?
How could one NOT think it is ok to see so much death?

fantasizing about death and killing.. sorry.. That is part of our nature. We can kill when we need to. Even when we dont. Hunters anyone?

he is just verbal with his ideas

but.. again.. like I said, if it is giving you pause pay attention to that.
it could simply be that you two are not compatible on that level.
He COULD be a bit obsessed

you could be just.. shocked too. Graphic descriptions of death and murder are not always easy to hear

You have hit on a good point shewolfnm with TV etc. How many people don't watch crime dramas and at some time put themselves in the criminal's place and think "I wouldn't have been stupid enough to do xxxxx if I had committed that crime." It's human nature to do so. You don't always want to be the cop.

I think those that want to ban violence have those thoughts and are then worried about all those morally inferior to them that might act out on them. It all comes down to the idea that we want to be superior to others.

I can't really remember what the choking thing was. I think he was just trying to pull me in close for a hug and sort of playfully used a belt he happened to have in his hand to do it.

He no sooner started than I was out of the hold, so the belt only came gently across my face, hence my remembering it mostly as a potential choking type of thing.

I remember him saying, "Oops, okay, that's a boundary of yours." And I proceeded to tell him why. No bondage. Nothing that even comes close. Sorry.

My now-deceased former police department boyfriend really wised me up in so many ways. I always have my eyes wide open. People can be very dangerous. Even and especially the ones you think you know. I try to be careful.

It seems to me that he spends his time thinking of odd ways of getting even or setting things wrong in the world right, but in a way that usually adds to the problem instead of dealing with the problem straight on.

I'm the type to fill out an online report to the Attorney General's Office--and I have done so.

He's the type to make a stink--ever so politely!--at the store and confront the manager.

For example, there's a grocery store here selling "green" bags for reusable bags for groceries. He bought one. He uses it. The store doesn't really want him to use it, they want him to use a shopping cart, and then just use the bag when he's leaving the store with the purchased items.

He says that they should have advertised it more precisely, that it's a shopping bag and it is for sale here, but you can't use it to do your shopping here, you can only use it to take home your purchases.

So, he always uses that bag when he goes into the store. He forces whatever manager that's working that day to confront him. He enjoys politely bantering with them about the fine points of false advertising and selling merchandise that can't be used for the purpose it was intended at the store where it was sold.

He's just odd that way. But after having watched those TV shows with him, I'm beginning to see a bit of a thread running through his "passive-aggressive" tendencies. I think he's trying to get fodder for his own material and start writing his own scenarios.

And they would probably be brilliant!

His pet peeves are liars and cheats and I guess he has or is developing an artistic over-the-top way of dealing with that.

Now that I think about it, I'll bet he tries out his shtick with me to see if it's funny or just dark and evil with no humor in it. There's a fine line to getting that humor aspect just right. And we do laugh quite a bit when we are together. He's very funny.

He admits he's searching for a creative outlet. Whether it's in a new character game or in a story.

These are your own words to begin with, dupre.

Its been my experience that if you already have to ask you already answered your own question. You ask should you be concerned that tells me that you already are. If you are asking are you overacting then there is something there to overreact to. You shouldn't ask total strangers about this you should ask him and see how he reacts. If he thinks its funny then you are safe. If he gets mad at you for making him face reality and crushing his fantasy world then Run Forrest Run.

You don't think it is sometimes advisable to get opinions from disinterested parties, g7? Ask him what? "Say dude, you're psycho, right?" And why? There are some pretty smooth liars out there, and she might be dealing with one of them.

dupre, that's more than an oddity, or looking for material to write about.

that's being a doucebag.

but, you've already made up your mind there's nothing to worry about, so I guess you don't mind dating someone who tries to force others into confrontations with him.

Ians father was like that.

I really hated that man. So rude. It felt very controlling, like he wanted to make sure people felt bad so he could feel good. It made him feel superior.

Those kinds of people seem... rare.. is that a good word?

Hi, Shewolf! It's so good to hear from you again. It's been too long. Yes, I think that is weird and different. I don't get it. Last night I researched passive aggressive and he doesn't fit that mold either. And, he's not the typical "controlling" type, either. My previous boyfriend has laid out that kind of behavior for me: they try to limit your contact with friends and family, limit your income or access to your money, your energy, your self-esteem. He's not doing any of that. And about the fear of physical abuse, my previous boyfriend had warned that those types always start with a push or a shove, to test your reaction, never a full-out assault.

It's okay with me if he has issues, who doesn't? I'm not marrying the man, or anyone else. I do want to be safe, and other than that "demonstration" with the knife, I have felt safe. And I didn't let that go unaddressed.

He is different. He did say he would never "cause a scene" with me in public, like at the store.

Any more insight into Ian's dad? Can you give me some psychological terms to research? It's just so very odd. Personally, I've got plenty more to do in my life than spend time confronting managers at stores. I really don't get it....

Whatever is going on, this seems key:



This too actually:



I really don't know enough and the pixilated portrait could go so many ways with more details filled in. But the manager thing seems to tie in with the above two things in that he likes to exert power in small ways when he can -- likes to remind himself that he's NOT the powerless, picked-upon little boy he used to be. That can be harmless, or not. <shrug>

The more I think about it passive aggressive does seem to fit the bill.

I didn't get it yesterday, since I don't see that within our relationship (I do see it in work-related issues he's talked about), but then our relationship is more of a friendship with benefits than the boyfriend / girlfriend thing.

From my research yesterday, the aggressive part of the above isn't violent, is more like withholding accomplishing responsibilities and withholding true intimacy. These folks were usually raised in an environment where their own feelings, especially unpleasant angry feelings, were not validated, so they learn other ways to vent.

I think this is why his following the rules and an overinflated sense of "justice" and right and wrong are so strong with him.

I told him this weekend that in my studies of anthropology I happened to learn that in children there is a universal cross-cultural sense of fairness. But that unfortunately as we grow to become adults, we learn that life isn't always fair, in fact, is rarely fair. And thank goodness for that, I'd have suffered far more than I have, etc.

And he said that he remembered his mother saying that to him, and his response to her was something like, "So does that give you an excuse for being extremely unfair?"

I think we are on to something here.

Does anyone have any great ideas for helping this otherwise amazing man?

BTW, it is possible to change people. For example, that Tall Texan used to be an -ist, a racist, ageist, sexist, etc.

And now, he's, well, he's more integrated into the big world. I remember telling him how unfortunate for him that he had to share the planet with other people ... and a whole host of other eyeopening comments.

He's now on the board of an ethnic museum and loving it. I think he still has issues with the younger generation though ... too bad for him ....

Any ideas?

Another Tall Texas eyeopening comment was that he was always mouthing off about all the stupid people in the world, idiots who didn't do their research before they acted like experts .... I can see his frustration, he always did his research and was usually right on point when he made one ...

So I suggested to him that it was lucky for him that there were so many stupid people out there, that if there weren't people in the world that were stupider than him that he would be the dumbest person on the planet...

I never heard another word from him about idiots ....

Ha!

Yes, I think you are right about that. We have a mutual friend who suggested the same.

Any ideas about how to help this guy?

What does someone like that need?