dupre
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Aug, 2009 11:15 pm
@vikorr,
I went back and reread what I had written.

I did say he attempted to demonstrate what it would be like to choke someone with a belt.

I guess I was writing in the heat of the moment. That's not what actually happened. That's the way I remembered it though. I felt alarmed at the time. But in all fairness, that's not what really happened. But I trust that my intuition is worth something in this matter.

The knife thing bothers me. If he had just made a statement from across the room, it would have been one thing. I could have dismissed it as hyperbole. But when he brought the knife over to demonstrate....?????!! What's with that? It's weird all right.

It made me think of what my other boyfriend said about these kind of guys, that they go from fantasy toward taking a "more real" step. They want to "see" or "hear" what something dark would be like in real life. Personally, I have no desire to see what a knife would look like next to someone's finger. So ... you have to wonder ... now he's seen that ... on a model, so to speak. I know it's creepy, and I can't help wondering why the demonstration was necessary to him. What might have been accomplished for him by demonstrating that.

Even our mutual friend thought it was weird. I'm waiting to get more from our friend when we can visit about it further.

Why am I hesitant to give up the friendship with all the side benefits?

He's articulate and informative. I like our conversations. He knows a lot about history. I enjoy our friendship and conversations. He's a kind and generous lover. He's thoughtful. There's no big commitment or angst. We just enjoy each other and that's about it. It's refreshingly pleasant and fulfilling and straightforward and simple.

I'll keep you posted.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Aug, 2009 11:42 pm
@dupre,
Hi Dupre,

There's a continuum that anyone can think up, that exists between dark fantasy and reality :

-Fantasy, but supressed (this is the 'most people' category)
-Fantasy, intermittent thoughts
-Fantasy frequent thoughts
-Fantasy obsessive
-Talk about fantasies
-Demonstrate Fantasies
-Practice Fantasies
-Carry out fantasies

You can see how far down the chain your boyfriend is.

As for whether or not he's a sociopath/psychopath/has anti-social personality disorder (all names for the same thing, used at different times in history), many of them are actually very charming people - they don't connect with people in the same way most of us do, but they can learn to be very charming (in a manipulative way, because in reality - it's all about what's in it for them). It's hard to tell with your boyfriend - certainly it wouldn't be inprobable, because they actually account for about 2-3% of the population (just that the murderous ones are a much smaller percentage).

As for the benefits - they sound good enough to keep a girl there. Reality is only you can decide that.

A question for you - who has the control in your relationship? (And I don't mean who appears to make the decisions...I mean, when it all comes down to it, who's way is the way things are done?)
dupre
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2009 12:19 am
@vikorr,
Thanks for your response.

The control question doesn't seem to apply. There have been plenty of times that one or the other didn't want to get together, and so we didn't. When we are together, well, I guess I have control, since it's at my place usually and I make a dinner, sometimes I can give him a small choice in that area. I don't have a TV, I really focus on my piano and schooling, so prefer not to have a TV. I don't want either of my boyfriends (they both know I'm not monogamous) to just hang out and watch TV. Their visits are pretty focused on dinner, a walk, talking. Sometimes I'm doing chores like laundry and such intertwined with our time together. A couple of times he went to the store with me to be with me while I shopped and he's helped me carry the laundry .... all in all, I'd say I pretty much control the activities when we are together.

One lovely evening, I played the piano while he played a game on the computer and another he read while I was hanging pictures and he would help a little when I asked him too. He's really tall. Otherwise he stayed out of my way. Mostly our time is spent engaged together, but a couple of times like above, we were in the same place, but not completely engaged with each other.

I'm pretty busy, so don't usually have time for many activities. Sometimes we go to dinner and we have gone to see plays and the symphony and have gone to the park. Usually activities I pick. We are planning a camping trip. That's something I want to do more than him, although he has the camping equipment. We aren't going to rough it. We will be in a family camp ground with lots of other campers.

He helped me move across the state and carried boxes of my enormous library for me. And when it didn't work out, he lent me the money to return.

All in all, I'd have to say, it's been all about what I want or need, and little about what he wants or needs. He doesn't seem to have many wants or needs, other than, he really likes to be appreciated and praised! A bit of an ego there. But it's no effort for me. I really do enjoy and appreciate him.
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Aug, 2009 01:20 pm
@dupre,
Quote:
Does anyone have any great ideas for helping this otherwise amazing man?

BTW, it is possible to change people.

From a much-earlier post of yours... If he wanted help, he would have obtained it many years ago.

He's 45. If he wanted to change, he's also had plenty of time to do that. He's chosen to remain poorly adjusted.

It IS possible to change people, but it's a failure 99.9% of the time. Just don't go there.

Women who are in abusive relationships virtually always plan to help/change their abusive partners.

And in answer to your original question, yes, I think his behavior was over the line. I'm more disturbed by your later, dismissive responses about his behavior.
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