Married man fallen in love with another man

Wow, what a quagmire. I feel for you but have no advice for you, if you're looking for that. Youch.

You have a problem that is not accepted except by very rare members of society. The advice that you are looking for doesn't exist. The only answer you will ever find will be inside yourself. It's a difficult situation, and I don't envy you in the least.

Let's clear a few things up first though. That you have reached your age and state that you are in love with a much, much younger man - you've known for quite some time about your sexual inclinations, and I've little doubt that you've visited gay beats / clubs / other places where you can meet such men, very likely engaging in the occasional liaison.

...you love your wife, but the truth is, it's a 'me' love (a selfish love)- ie. you don't want to lose her love. True love for her, means :
- wanting her to be free to make her own informed choice of who she loves (your current situation is forcing her choice down to a love by deception),
- respecting her and her ideals (genuine partner love really can't exist in the absence of respect)

Every time you engage in this sort of thing, you engage in the act of deceiving your wife....as you do so more and more, you have to justify to yourself why you do this. The justification you make up is just a deception...if she doesn't want you to be with anyone else, any justification you make is just a deception to yourself.

The man you are in love with, doesn't care about monogamy...because he's quite alright with you sleeping with your wife, and him at the same time. He doesn't care about loyalty because he's trying to 'steal' you. He doesn't care about respect, because he most certainly doesn't respect your wife. He might care about them if it was done against him...but this is a 'me' love. The real truth is - he only cares if it's about him (ie a 'me' love). You might be in love with him, but it's a love of this guys surface...with the rotten core hidden in plain sight (then again, we are all imperfect...but it depends on whether or not you feel safe with said imperfections)

Lastly, there's the matter of yourself. Honesty would dictate that you let the people who have a right to know (those you are in a relationship with) the right to an informed choice regarding who they are in a relationship with. It's also more honest with yourself (because you no longer have to seek justifications)...

The problem you face is the consquences of being honest...yet being dishonest also has it's consequences...

As I said...the advice you are seeking, doesn't exist. You can only find it inside yourself.

My major concern is the health risks you are cheerfully willing to exposed your wife to without her knowledge.

Cheating on your partner sexuality is placing her at risk for a STD no matter if the relationship is straight or gay however as gay males are part of a very high risk group for HIV this risk is way beyond that.

Shame on you for this alone.

Simpet did not specify whether he is having sex with this person, so you could be accusing him unjustly.

The situation is not all that unique and it does happen. I know of such happening with five close friends or at least well-known acquaintances in my lifetime. All five were Christian people attending the church where I attended--four involved the guy having the 'issue'; one involved a woman. In all five cases, the spouse knew that something was wrong, something was lacking in the relationship for some time before they learned what that was.

Outcome:

Three of the couples eventually divorced and two of the guys and the gal went on to form relationships with their same sex lovers. The two guys remained friends with their former wives who also happily remarried. The relationship between the gal and her ex husband was less amicable.

One of the couples divorced and the gay husband eventually committed suicide. He had some major financial problems and left no note, so we don't know if it was the failure of his marriage or other causes that drove him to do that.

One of the couples worked it out and have stayed married and raised two beautiful children.

The moral to this, I think, is that the wife of a gay husband knows there is a problem in the relationship. She probably will feel much less betrayed, however, should she be advised the problem is not her, but something her husband cannot help. I think I would feel better about it even, if my husband was attracted to a guy instead of another woman. But infidelity is infidelity and Bill is right that it is not ethical or honorable for the wife to be exposed and not know it.

Perhap Foxfyre he is not having sex but as a male even if a straight male if is my opinion that it is very unlikely that he would be declaring his love and placing his marriage at risk for a relationship that is not sexual.

I don't know if it is unusual for men to come out of the closet at your age but you have my sympathy. "And your wife has my sympathy".

Lovely couple I know on the BI with two gorgeous children had this problem. It was agonizing for both of them, confusing for their children.

They worked out their differences in therapy and live separate lives and have the respect of their children. And today the couple are good friends.

Your wife probably knows more than you suspect and like you would like some resolve to the situation.

You definately need professional input. Love is a many splintered thing.

I agree with Sglass on this.. I have sympathy. I'm agreeing with everybody so far, I think, and have similar friends and acquaintance situations, with similar results, as foxfyre does. A present good friend is gay, came out a couple of decades or more ago, came down with aids. He and his wife worked through it and stayed friends all these years. She recently died, and he was crushingly sad, because, really, he still loved her, in the sense of caring.

One of the first people I ever loved turned out to be gay, a major surprise to me (the sex was great - most people don't believe me on that) that I didn't figure out for years because I thought something else was wrong and we weren't seeing each other for a long time. More than a decade later we got in touch and remain close friends, a couple of more decades after that. It's kind of funny, his now long time mate is rather like me in personality and interests.

I remember, in retrospect, his trying to tell me, and my not getting it, what with his not being clear and it being nearly 40 years ago, and his bravado failed that day.

I also urge you to both use precautions re stds and, as vicorr said, give your wife the clue so she can make her own decisions.

Well, I meant to say, I agree with everybody so far to some extent; I don't know about billRM's assumptions, or all of vicorr's Me conceptualizing but am not entirely against them, and vic may or may not be dead on about your new love.

On my present friend, I should explain he and his wife went separate ways, but did visit, sometimes with both families, all those year later.

Ok well some of you are accusing - This man and I have not had sex - We both knew we were gay when we were like 10 years old - both of us grew up in a very conservative religion - It isn't as easy as some of you are trying to say - I got married thinking this gay feeling would go away - don't get me wrong I love my wife - we still belong to a church that preaches that gay lifestyle is sin - So I meet a man who has the same upbringing we understand each other we can talk about and we become friends - but then other feelings in both of us is stirred and now we need to deal with it - If I came out I would losw my job and so would he - we both would be rejected by our families and friends - we both live in the same area - yes maybe there is no answer - because all actions produce Hell results - some people would rather kill themselves then live in this situation, but of course that is not the answer. We don't go to gay bars or run around finding men to have sex with - can't anyone see that this is hell no matter what we do?

The honorable thing at this point in my opinion would be the same as if your new love was a woman and that is to keep and work on your relationship with your life partner instead of turning to a new lover of either sex.

My I been gay all your life friend you had function as a straight male for a half century or so and walking on the wild side of the street now is going to result in great harm to people you also had claimed to love and who you also have long standing commitments to.

So it come down to is your desire to form a gay relationship this late in life more important to you then the welfare and happiness of people who you also claimed to love and who you had willing enter into relationships with over the years?

A real man gay or straight does his very best to keep his commitments in life and you are no victim as you could had been an openly gay man and not enter into a relationship with a wife but you did not choose that path as it would had been too hard.

Now you are looking for people to tell you that it is ok to tell you wife surprise dear I had always been gay and I am leaving you for a man and to share your pain at the likely reaction to that announcement by the people in your life. You got to be kidding me!

Well....how cruel to your wife. Passing off your boyfriend as your 'Mate'.

I have a gay male friend who was brought up in a staunch Irish Catholic religion in Ireland, he married and had 2 beautiful children, years later he left his wife to explore his sexuality.....he never once cheated on her during their marriage. They are still best friends today....I think you need to grow a set, regardless of what gender or sexual preference, you are in a commitment and I expect you are more involved with your buddy than you let on.

I think perhaps, that you have focused on the written things you dislike...because almost everyone has offered you sympathy and said how hard this would be...so why would you write this quote?

Secondly, I agree with Bill - you're engaging in a great degree of self deception about the contributing factors to your situation. If you've known since you were ten, then you've very much contributed to your own circumstance (as have religion, the narrowmindedness of society, and other things), and can't overly cry how unfair this is to you (because you, and you alone are responsible for your own life)....at some point in your life you have to reach a stage where you can say "I make my own way in life...I choose my life as mine".

It is easy? (No) Do some people have easier choices to make? (of course) Does that excuse you from being who you truly are? (not if you want to be happy with yourself, and stop lying)

The words may seem hard, but the truth is, there is never any other geniune, this is me, I own my own life, way forward.

Well it's me again - first of all I was asked why I wrote or sent the last quote - I guess I needed venting - I expected the responses to be more or less what they were - I believe all humans are guilty of being selfish - when we do what we do we do it for some selfish reason - I believe that even doing unselfish acts as we often see people do are to make them feel good - I got married to see if my gay feelings would leave - they did for awhile and for the most part I have enjoyed my marriage - even now my wife and I are good friends and we enjoy each other’s company - although sex is not really there anymore - I don't expect to find an answer to my feelings - Yeah I feel that I love this man and he loves me, but we both have agreed that I should not leave my wife - How will we deal with our feelings? I don't know, maybe in a weak moment we'll give in even though right now I don't want to nor am I thinking that I will - but as we all know there have been many cases where respected people have fallen to these love/sex/lust traps, and so if we hear of some then I know it is only the tip of the ice-berg - There must be many people who are struggling with this and really no-one has the answer that would really work " Everyone has to face the issues and find the answer in themselves, and even those answers don’t suffice " there will always be the struggles " Should I pursue the love for the new partner? Should I stay where I am? Regardless what decision I make it will not be the right decision, because there is no right decision - You see I have been a councillor in the past dealing with a lot of these cases - I tried to give answers while I was struggling with the same issues, and you know what, I gave the same answers that have been given here, and I have gone for counselling myself - I got the same answers - sorry for making this so long, but I felt I needed to share this anonymously - so thank-you for the responses

...for one of the few times here I have no advice. Your posts are sad and moving....maybe if our culture didn't vilify gays you would have arrived at your decision before you married...maybe not.

My ex-girlfriend's husband came out of the closet when the kids were 16, 14, and 9. It was hell for her and the kids...and him too I suppose.

In the final analysis ...all I can think of is ..good luck

The only answer I can give is....do the right thing. Either leave your wife so she can move on or lose the bf. This affair is not fair to either of them. You have to ask yourself what and who will make you happier? You need to weigh the pros and cons of this situation and choose, no matter how much it hurts. Just remember your not the only one that's going to get hurt in all this. That's all I have. I hope everything works out for the best for you.

Hi Simpet,

That was a very thoughtful post.

Often enough the way forward is done in the dark (and often enough we dont' know that it is)

Well we met again and we yielded to temptation - yeah we had sex - the most mind blowing sex I have ever had - but I still can't get myself to leave my wife or even tell her. OK I know you'll say I'm a selfish brat and I agree I also know it's not fair to the man nor my wife. He tells me that we can make it work and I should just keep it a secret at this time. He does not want me to break up my family. His family of course would also reject him if they knew, and so at this time we have promised each other to keep it secret. Probably a bad idea, but it'll be that way for now. My wife and I haven't had sex for about 2 years.

expected no less.

What a asshole in every way. He came on this website somehow thinking he would find some support for his actions!

Wonder how he is going to explain to his children and wife if he end up giving the poor lady HIV.

Hell the sex was good after all.