Married man fallen in love with another man

Your take is clear, any relationship based on deception will ultimately
end the same way. He made a commitment to his wife for life.
He is having a crisis of self net worth, any relationship must have your
continued endurance through both the passionate and also the dull
and the successful and failures along the journey. When you arrive
at your final moments before passing the veil of life your eyes will
behold the true treasure that was built by the lasting bond that the two of you
nurture through the many life storms. This means more all else you
could ever hope to seek after ! So talk to Him and ask for His Help!
Yes You know exactly who I am talking about; GOD

Yeah I agree - I'm an asshole - but as far as giving my wife HIV that is slim to non since we don't have sex anymore - haven't had sex for two years - she ain't interested anymore - second my friend and I don't run around having sex with other men or women - I'm not sure yet what I'll do in the future - I still love my male friend and I have told him that he has also told me that he loves me - At this point we're just trying to figure out what we will do and take it one day at a time - Thanks anyway for the concern

Thanks - I talk to Him every day about it hopefully I'll get the answer.

Yes indeed you are not having sex with your wife just as you claimed you would not have sex with your male lover.

We all know that you are a liar of the first degree willing to lied to your wife and family willing to live a double life no matter what the cost to others. In fact your first post only expressed concern about your welfare if the truth would come out.

I would not wish to sell your wife life insurance therefore given your track record.

Being homosexual is not a moral sin in my book but lying and cheating on your love ones surely is.

Once more you are a worthless asshole and I hope your life will indeed crash around your ears in the very manner you was concern about in your first posting if not more so.

Time to let the wife go - let her move on so she can also find another love. Believe, me, she knows something is wrong. You owe her an explanation.

re: your re-emerging sexual feelings for same sex partner. You are going to have to resolve this issue. It is also unfair to carry on with another person in secret and force him to live a lie. Now that the sexual tension has been confronted, you can figure out what else is the basis of this relationship.

Also, maybe you need to move to another community where a person's sexual orientation is not considered a "sin" Leave town quietly and set up somewhere else so you can find yourself - with or without this new lover.

thank-you

True love no matter with a man or a woman happens so rarely. Important thing to focus on is difference between lust, passion and love. If you feel love for this man and he shares same then pursue and nourish it and you will be truely happy. Ignore the bigots who have no experience of the only important human instinct that can be fulfilling.

Ignore the bigots who have no experience of the only important human instinct that can be fulfilling.
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LOL there is a little thing like having obligations to others that you had willingly entered into.

I would feel the same if the relationship that he was having was with a woman instead of a man.

The only different between a heterosexual extra marital affair and a homosexual one is that he is placing his wife in one of the three high risk groups for HIV behind her back by so doing.

Hadn't read this old thread before.
This is an almost identical situation that some friends found themselves in ... oh, 20 years ago?
A very devoted couple. Extremely nice people. Then he discovered, at around age 35, that he was gay. He discovered when he met someone. Interestingly, they made a fairly smooth transition. They accepted the new state of affairs. He eventually moved in with his new (man) friend. And he & she remained close, devoted friends. With the new partner's blessing. An absolute miracle of sane-ness, I thought at the time.

I wonder if your male friend did this behind his wife back.

I honestly believe (we were pretty close friends with them at the time. Couples friendship.) that his discovery of his real sexuality was pretty much of a surprise to both of them, Bill. But not being a fly on their wall, I can only guess at the initial stresses & strains. But my understanding is that he made his new circumstances known to her fairly early in the piece. Neither of them were exactly into "clandestine" affairs. They just weren't like that as people. Anyway, it was a pretty remarkable resolution, I thought. These things do happen.

I to am in the same boat as simpet, I am a 57 year old married man with 5 children and 4 re married and one home a 14 year old. The other man is married and 64, we have fallen in love and never known such love, i have always had these thoughts all mylife and he also. We love each other so much that we will endure whatever it takes to make the relationship work. All our lives we have felt we were missing someone until we found each other. Everyone does deserve some happeniness and no doubt in future the thing will work out and we are willing to wait, we've waited this long and we've decided to endure what it takes.
Determined to have true love........

I am probably talking through my hat, but there is something about simpet's posts that bothers me. I had no intention of commenting until I read Carson DAVis' contribution.

He sounds like a 57 year old married man. He gives family details and sounds so much more mature about having addressed his problem and coming to terms with it. I wish him well.

I really find it hard to imagine the following coming from a 59 year old male -

It sounds very juvenile. His whole discourse sounds fairly shallow and immature. He does not sound as if he has any interest in what people are saying, other than reacting to perceived personal slights. And he certainly does not seem to have any real love for his family. It sounds as thoughe he just doesn't want to get caught.

I can not help but wonder if in fact our collective legs are being pulled.

Hard to tell.

But for the sake of conversation . . . anyone who "discovers" or comes "out" after spending years in a heterosexual relationship, (with kids) needs to spend some time reflecting and sorting out business.

I would prefer that these guys spend some time in therapy with a therapist who specializes in such issues. Too many people's lives are going to be affected.

But someone else was right - the wives usually know what's going on. Why a woman would stay in a sexless marriage for 2 years is bizzare, too. Maybe she's got something going on the side, too.

I just read the question and all of the responses. I am in much the same situation. I chose to ignore all indications that I was gay because I was doing my best to be what I had been taught to be. I was the opposite of selfish - I ignored my own feelings in favor of doing what I thought was right for other people. I did not fall in love with another man although I had a terrible crush on a classmate that lasted for years. I rejected the idea that I was gay because I only had feelings for this one other male. I married late and lived the formula. I took my marriage vows seriously and never cheated. Eventually, my wife and I evolved along separate paths and she eventually called an end to the marriage. Believing that her happiness was more important than mine, and that, since I was confused, her wisdom greater, we got an amicable divorce. A couple of years later, in therapy, I finally discovered that I really did have same sex feelings. I have since come to care for a much younger man. I suspect that one of the reasons is that I have, in a sense, been reborn and am having to "mature" as an utterly different person than I was before. No amount of condemnation or criticism by any person, whether sincere or just self-righteous, will change my experience. I did not choose my feelings; in fact, I rejected my real feelings for decades. It was awful and, sadly, having abandoned my own feelings for "duty" made me bitter and cynical when I was faced with others who were not as "responsible" as I was. I am only glad that I have lived long enough to find my way and to have friends and family who care for me and support me as the person I am. To the questioner I would say there are people out there who will accept you. You may discover that you are your own harshest judge. You may also discover, as I did, that your current family and friends may accept you. In this day and age it may be illegal where you are for your employer to dismiss you because of your sexual orientation. I am fortunate to live in a very supportive community. I have even become a public advocate for equal rights. This is possible for you, too. Good luck.

I too, played the good husband/father role for many years; always knowing I was different. My wife has been dead for 7 years now, and am still with the same guy, but he is married. Gets rough at times, lots of lonely days/nights. I do all the loving, and giving, it would seem, and at times, seems like a one sided relationship. Very frustrating.

I'm an older woman who went through this from the other side - though without children involved - many years ago. This was a year or so after the Stonewall Inn incident(s) in New York. I was beyond ignorant about homosexuality or bisexuality, and very in love. Sex was wonderful, I had never been so happy, but he had some psychological problem and started seeing a psychiatrist about his anger. He was an m.d. and actually took a psychiatric residency for a while. Anyway, he finally told me that his psychiatrist told him (paraphrasing) to break up with me. I was wild, hugely hurt, stunned, and angry on top of it - his psychiatrist told him?

Of course, I figured out later that he couldn't bring himself to tell me. In fact, I remember him trying to, and my making some speech about not minding homosexuals but that they were deviant from the norm. And then he stopped trying to tell me. (I cringe now, but that was the way it was.)

More than a decade later, I was talking with a mutual friend, another m.d., and I told her I had just figured out the problem the fellow and I had. And she said that he had just told her about being homosexual. So, I wrote him. By that time, I was happily married, but just wanted to talk with the guy. He wrote back, yes, that had been what had been going on.

Next time my husband and I were in his city, we all met, my husband went off to walk, and the guy and I had lunch and a long talk. We've been good friends ever since, something like thirty more years.

So, this is old territory, though it still happens, even within our last fifty years, of people finding their way with difficulty.

I'd say, get some counseling, folks, if you need it, and have heart.

I really hope you find an answer that will make you happy along with everyone else involved. I'm gay and have had a lover for 3 years but lately I find myself wondering if I make him happy and if he does the same for me. To be honest, I stumbled across this site by accident. When doing a search about gay love I typed in "Can a man be genuinely in love with another man"? Just like you, I haven't found the answer to my question YET... but I remain hopeful. Granted your situation is completely different from mine in the sense that you know you love this man and are worried about hurting your wife where lately I wonder if my lover still has feelings for me. When we first met, we had no delusions of the issues we had to face. I'm now 28 and he's 47,
his parents hate me where my parents hate him. Its basically to the point where we both live double lives, (meaning the time that we have for each other vs the time we spend with each of our individual families). I guess the main reasons I'm so confused about him and me is that i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve where he prefers to wear a shell. Its actually kind of exhausting a lot of the times but I do know I want to give my all in making it work. I'm not sure what wisdom I can impart to you since I barely have enough for myself but one thing I can tell you is follow your heart, not your passion. People tend to confuse passion for matters of the heart. Its ok to let your emotions guide you just don't let them control you. In time the right answer will come to you, but its not something that I or anyone who has responded to your question can give you . Its something that only you can and will find for yourself, weather the answer is to your liking or not. Just be strong. I know this sounds cliche, but everything happens for a reason... even if we can't understand that reason. You will find your answer, you just have to look deeper within yourself. Best of wishes to you. I know you'll find your way

well that is really hard but i say that you should stay with your wife because you already have a good family also the man that is like i think you said 39 is a little to young for someone that is um how do you say it i guess older. but you don't have to listen to me choose what you want to choose but o would take my thought into consideration.

Your heart can be confused as you so want love.. In your situation you sound as if you are mis-matched... Forget family just the cold verses non... And your questioning about the relationship at such a ripe age of only 3 years.

Passion? Is everything... If you do not have passion in life, in all that you do, you do not know who you are and want you want out of life.. You can not strive to be nor explore those passions.

Someone once said to me.... "If you have no passions it will not flow into the bedroom and therefore, your love life will not continue to evolve" ....

Our hearts may be huge but without passion?

Your heart can trick you.. Hope you are still here to read that... Passionate people are passionate about everything, hurt will still occur but if they use their passion within themselves, then they know who they are and will not allow their heart to rule unless it's in the right directon.