Married man fallen in love with another man

I really can relate to what you are saying on so many levels. I am in my 40's and married and he is in his 30's and married. We both have children and do not want to disrupt our home lives or hurt our wives or children. It just happened. It is very hard to deal with having these feeling for another man in general, but it is even harder when you know he is the one that makes you see those fireworks when you kiss; understand what passion with someone else is really about; and makes you smile inside and out whenever you see or talk to him.

Ok. I take exception to what I see in this forum as a repeating error on the part of people who are replying to this topic. A married man can have a caring relationship with another man where no sex is involved. Then again, the same can happen with the right guy and sex IS involved. This is where many of you go wrong, you immediately label the married man as gay. Sorry folks but you are skipping completely over "bisexual". You are gay when you exclusively have physical contact with your own gender. This isn't a coin-face-up or coin-face-down situation. Some men are heterosexual for many many years until they meet the right guy and well, it just happens. The previously heterosexual married man realizes he ALSO likes and enjoys physical contact with another man, still enjoys the same with women, so he is Bi. Now some may insist he is confused or unable to make up his mind but bisexuality is a different state of mind and being. It's more open than most are comfortable with and especially so since most of us stick to one camp or the other and have planted our flag there. Bisexuals have two flags. One over here, the other over there. Bisexuality may be the most difficult choice of all because a lot of straights and a lot of gays shun them and don't like them, yet they like us. I try to accept all people as they are, which can change over a lifetime. If heterosexuals weren't so full of condemnation toward homosexuals perhaps this stigma which prevents unsure men from dealing with mixed feelings, trying to suppress them, get married and think that's a non-issue would not produce this outcome. People shouldn't be afraid to find themselves. We have this one life, this one opportunity to make the best of it and be happy.

You should read more threads, most of the people here are Gay.. Or at least happy and gay, or support everyone's right to be themselves...including Bi-sexuals, Hetrosexuals and Homosexuals...

not all men that have affairs with married men have anal sex I know this because I have been with sevral married men have not had anal sex with them a lot or them just want to be close to a guy and fell loved even if they heaved sex it dose not mean they have HIV or Aids

Agree however they are in a very high risk group and their wives are also being put into such a high risk group without any idea of the risks that their husbands are willing to put them at and for the husbands own sexual enjoyment and against their husbands vows.

Get out of your mariage, you state you knew you are gay since you were 10 year olld,i understand you tried to fit with the soo caled straits, what you feel toward to your wife is not love, is loyality and is not worthed, your kids will grow up and leave you, seing their ovn life is normal, do not mater how hard you tried to hide it one day you will be discover,do not mater how hard you tried to lye to yourself you are hapy were you are , you are not,that the reason you find him,mi advise to you take a chance with him,life is short,about losing church friends, job, boohooo, you will find another ones the ones who will accept for what you are, stop lying to your self, if you continu you will end up an olld unhapy and lonly full of regrets,about the god punishment do you believe in biblical god?if you read the bible , you realized how primitive god is described ,they say god send them to the war, they conquer the ones in the hills but they canot conquer the ones in the valey because they have couches pull by bull's, believe me a god who is soo poverful and know everything past prezent future,hi send them to the war but did not help them , and today god give them the most sofisticated weaponry that exist and such sofisticated computers.My question to you is, whoos evolving? people?or god,They said god knows everithyng and the future to,why ?? he did not help them? the soo caled his people,and let them fight with sword and bats,god give a damn of what we do. do you realy believe god will punish us, for what , if he aloud us to be born gay,we know is not a choice, is not our fault we are the way we are,and believe me a i will punch him in the nose if the judgment day will come and hi will dare to ask me why i am the way i am, i wil look at him and i will ask him , Realy are you soo stupid,am your creation and you ask me this question , what you thing hi will ansver me.He will have no ansver he will have no pover to judge us, hi did not exist , period,like i said previously, from the begining of time when a wild tribe create him, until today hi did not help us to evolve , we were the one's who make him to look like he is what people believe hi is,there is not after life, heaven or hell. is nothing after you died,on olld testament they realized how past god is, and in new testament they create another caled jesus, this one is worse than the first one, under first one you may have a chance to be forgiven bi sacrificing a lamb or a bird, but by the second one you do not escape not even after you are dead, and i ask you again who create who, when they said in last book of the bible you will not stay with the grom at the table if you are not chose to be a bryde , and what are the way to be chose as a bryde, if you read very carefuly you will understand what they will tell you at beginig they describe a god the way they believe it supose to be, but at the end of the bible they tell you that the god did not exist by the requierments you have to fulfil in order to even get a chance to enter in kingdom let s not talk about to become a bride and to stay with jesus at the table, because they did not say anithyng anymore about god like he died. watch read carefuly and you will realized how jesus took ower the heaven.and god was complectly retaired or detrone of his pover ,trone and kingthom. finaly like i sayd the life is pasting soo fast enjoy your life and fulfil your filings be who you realy are, i did not did it for my self now is to late , now it is up to you, i wish you only happynes.
: I will prefer to burn and be a supervisor in hell than to be a sclave in heaven :

I am in the exact same situation. I chose to marry a woman because I wanted to be a part of my conservative religious upbringing. It was my choice. I am responsible for where I find myself now. I have 2 beautiful girls and I genuinely love my wife. Sex witb a woman is about performance not passion. I am sacrificing my physical wants for my family. I am in love with my friend and emotionally invested. But I will not be so selfish as to hurt my wife and kids. I have decided I want to completely explain myself to my wife. I don't want to leave I just want to be 100% honest with her. She deserves the truth. But when I try to get her to discuss anything in that arena she shuts me down. So I don't know if she wants to know the whole truth or if she'd rather keep things as they are. In reality I feel like the only one who will benefit from this is me. And I don't want to be the only one who benefits. If the truth is not good for both of us it's not worth sharing.

You need to get to counseling - with your wife if she'll go, without if she won't. Her doing the equivalent of putting her hands over her ears and chanting, "La la la, I can't hear you." does not change a damned thing. And it sends a rather skewed message to your children, that marriage is for neither love nor passion; that it is solely for baby production and child nurturing; adult relationships aren't worth a damn compared to children; staying together for the sake of the house and the community and so-called respectability is better than being true to yourself or kind and mature enough to give your partner - who you purport to truly love - a way out while she's still relatively young.

But hey, if that's the lesson you want your kids to learn, then this is an awesome way to accomplish that.

You need to get on the same page with your wife, re -
* will you stay married?
* will your marriage open up?
* what will you say to your children when they are old enough to understand?
* How will you handle your family, friends and coworkers?

This is not an easy road, but it's the honest one.

Maybe you could find a counselor and that person could help you explain things to your wife - the three of you together. Be sure to find a counselor versed in these kinds of issues.

You have to realize that you are trying to explain what she will think is a betrayal. Not so much as a gay thing, but as a cheating thing - in the mind and in the heart.

I know a couple who went through this same thing about 20 years ago. They are just now becoming friends again.

hi
I am in same boat mate...im gay since I am 12 or 13...I ve been abused by older guy... I felt it was nice, and keep doing it...but I never accept it I m gay... I got male to male play some point...when im 26 yrs old I got married,now nearly 13 yrs marriage...but last year I meet older who is 63 yrs old.
most beautiful person ive ever meet.since day one I felt he is got something for me...we have good time together,in bed and out bed.i fall INLOVE with him after few months.im 38 he is 63, I was so scared abaut the satuation,im INLOVE but how can I tell him iam..but suddenly he told me he was inlove with me too...I got brave and I told him I m inlove too.but I got baggages,wife and kid,how will I tell them I m gay and wanna live that guy...it was so scary which is im still suffering.one day my boy friend told me,sex is brilliant but he is looking for relationship for permanent....I told him im inlove but cant do it right now..im not ready to my wife,im not brave enough yet...
he understand it...but one of his mate lost his boy friend and they started to chat on facetime....I knew the guy because when I visit him I was showing him my face and tell him hi while they are chating.
one day that guy decided to visit my boy friend for 3 days, then he went home after that 3 days. 10 days after he came back for 5 days,and my partner not answering his phone as usual...I asked after that guy went away...I said whats happening,something wrong here.he said ,he is interested,nice guy..and no baggages,free gay man...also he loves him...
in that while I told my wife I was gay ,she was shocked realy badly...but I told her I ve always been gay..just never accepted...and you cant realy hold gay side inside you,it comes out somehow....we talk abaut for days what we going to do,,,she asked me to leave the house,,,i did...went to my boy friends home.he felt realy guilty abaut it...he didn t wanna involved abut this satuation, and he was so sad...in that while he is getting better with other guy and now they are ingage,but still loves me more then him.
I don't understand why he loves me more and picking other guy to live with..
pls help..

I am 47 married with three kids - eldest 21 youngest 10. I've been married 26 years (first real relationship with a woman - had a couple of male relationships but couldn't accept I was probably gay or bi). My wife proposed and although I tried to break it off I was too much of coward when it came to the crunch and decided I just needed to commit - I cared for her so what was the problem - just do it (always wanted kids) and you'll get over the compromises. The partnership works but that is exactly what it is I take care of all hers and the families needs. I've had opportunities to cheat with women but never have - I have made a commitment!! That said I have had fun with a handful of guys - over the years (justified it to myself that this was something I couldn't get within my marriage!). Now I have been working with a 36 year old guy for three years - and I have fallen completely and utterly in love with him - not a sex thing I just have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. He makes me feel happy inside and out just spending time with him. About a year ago I told him how I felt...... and the long and the short of it he says he loves me too although he could never see us in a sexual relationship and yet on a weekly basis there is always some sexual innuendo? He says he loves his wife yet he spends more time with me on a work basis (we work really long hours - even though we don't always need to) - we talk constantly and up to a few months ago even at weekends (until his wife started asking questions). He has no children and has been married two years. I know what I want - I want to give it a go with this guy but he wants to carry on as we are. I think I could actually create a workable medium between me and the family (there will of course be plenty to deal with) - but I would be happier living life for me with someone I adore. If I decide to move out on my own - I would be unhappier and I would still deal with the needs of my family but from afar BUT I wuld have created unhappiness for them equal to the first option with no upside - so that seems the worst option. Trying to forget about the guy just cant happen we are with each other all the time - I have tried to ignore my feelings but feel like crying - he says he feels likewise when I ignore him and he keeps the closeness of our friendship secret - if his wife ever found out how close we are it would be over - neither he nor I can change jobs. And yet I still come back to the fact that he says he loves me and he doesn't want me out of his life .......I am trying to just accept the situation but I just feel unhappy ....

You owe it to yourself to be honest - with others and especially yourself.

Don't make this a sexual identity excuse thing. You have not kept your marriage vows. You do not love your wife as you should. You have financial obligations to the children. You will have to work to keep a relationship with your children. You need to stand on your own two feet and meet these challenges head on.

Get your own housing. Try to live as your own person for a while.

Then look for the kind of relationship you need in order to be happy. It really sounds like this new guy is not willing to give it all up for you, so don't put all your eggs in one basket, as far as he is concerned.

Hi Simpet,
Ignore all the replies that put you down. Ignore replies from women, when they never extend themselves to empathize outside of their woman-centered worldview. Ignore all the replies from those who tell you there is no roadmap then proceed to judge you against a heterosexual roadmap. Ignore all this "me-love" crap.

You are definitely not alone. You are not the first guy to marry a woman to try to fit the hetero roadmap that was forced upon your generation. As well, many self-identified heterosexual men who had full married lives with children find in their later years that they finally admit to long-suppressed thoughts about connecting with men, an admission prompted maybe because the wife no longer has sex with them, or maybe because they are a sublimated bi, or maybe because it's a life cycle phenomenon not yet explained. The point being, you are hardly alone in finding a (growing) need for another man at your age, even if your original reason for getting married was not identical to the hetero men of which I speak.

I maintain that it is possible to love both a woman and a man, including experiencing fulfilling sex with both, although apparently in your case the great sex happened only with the man. All men do not fit the rules we have created for them. Until society creates/allows a roadmap to allow a man to express love openly for one man AND one woman, it appears we are stuck with the current template where all primary and peripheral parties heavily censure that which they will not understand. And this censure is itself a form of selfishness, is it not?

The current template, as you read here and already know, would have you either choose a fidelity marriage to the wife, or divorce her for a future with this man, in order to resolve your struggle concerning deceit. I have read instances in an older marriage where the wife, upon being told, is not explosive but has a different reaction. I will say, there are wives who openly agree to their husbands having a man. Your wife is well aware that she has not had sex with you for two years.

I am seeing a man who, at age 52, came out to his wife and 5 children (4 are grown) that he has been gay the whole time. He, too, had tried to live the straight life and just couldn't put himself through it anymore. Making the break can be done.

i got the same problem... i am in love with a man too, except that i am single and i am 50 ...
can somebody pls advise what should i do...

Well u should go for him. U r now 59. Usually u don't have much time in life. Just hear ur soul, what its telling u. Don't make it a big issue. Everybody comes alone and goes alone. It is ur life, don't waste it. But ensure that he don't have any diseases.
Being gay is not a sin. Being man and loving another man is not a sin. Age doesn't matters. Don't hear to those stereotype society. Ultimately u r the king of ur own kingdom.

I am only 20, and I am in love with a 50 year old man. I told him all about my feelings. but he isn't accepting me. I think he loves me too but can't admit. And its really tearing me up every seconds.

I advice that u should go for him. Don't look back.

For the peace of the family, just continue as friends with benefits and don't get too indulged.. .there's a lot at stake in case you go all out.

The original statement mentioned nothing about sex between the two men. If that's not an issue there's nothing wrong with the feelings these two share. I am a happily married heterosexual male and I can honestly state I am in love with another married heterosexual male, who in turn is in love with me. While we share intimacy (yes, full body hugs and kisses on the lips), we agree that there will never be sex between us because we are not so inclined. The beautiful thing is both our wives know how we feel and both are completely accepting of our relationship.

Join the club. I seduced my best friend from college right after we got out and when we were dating our future wives. John and I have have been making love longer than we have with our wives. Our families are all friend so we will go on vacations together and when our families are at the beach, he and I are sucking each other off upstairs. I have gradually fallen more in love with him than my wife and the physical love is much better, We have been doing this for 2o years now and I don't really care who knows but his parent are alive and it would kill him, plus his wife basically supports him. We will spend a weekend together every few months and despite being in our upper 40's we will climax 8-10 times a night. John is only the 2nd man I have had sex with the firt being jerking off my room-mate in college a few times and I am his first, So the second time we made love be barebacked and have done that ever since. If I didn't have hime, I don't know what I would do. John fells some guild now and then but frankly I love him so much I want to shout it to the world. Rob

I am a 56 year old gay man. A man I met is a 62 year old bisexual man who has tried to have sex with his wife for 12 years. She won't do it and even ridicules a slight medical abnormality with his penis. I am not trying to steal anyone and find this sudden and overwhelming attention from this man a bit unnerving. vikorr is quite naïve, if he or she believes that older men in sexless marriages don't seek out gay or other married men for love and intimacy. This man has been seeing a marriage counselor for 8 years, but it's his wife, who has refused to see the counselor for years, apparently not wanting to discuss her control issues, believing she has no problem. The man and I met at an AA meeting, since we are both in recovery for over 10 years. The wife in this scenario drinks everyday but doesn't believe she has a problem with alcohol, either. vikorr thinks that because I don't care about monogamy I am rotten to the core--oh, ghoul, please! As for the man, I believe he needs to figure out if he is gay or bisexual first, continue to talk to his therapist, yes, with honesty, and proceed from there. I'll be supportive of him no matter which direction he chooses. I have no agenda or plan, other than to help my friend achieve some happiness, and hopefully find his path to self-actualization.

Just a short answer for you. You said you are not going to leave your wife. Then run away definitely from the guy. You should have taken that decition (getting out of the closet) long time ago, now it is too late to start with someone 27 years younger than you. How old will you be AND LOOK LiKE when this young man turns 45 or 50? Will he have the same feelings for you? Will he be attracted to other man younger than you? You will never know that. Do not take the risk. You will suffer a lot. If you are happy with your wife and she is happy with you, stay together. Time flies my friend. In 10 years your night table at bed time will be covered with pain killers, Rub.A535, Glucosamine, Sleeping pills, hot water bag for your back aches,etc. Are you sure your 42 years old male friend will feel confortable with a such scenario? Just being realistic balancing your idealized thoughts with what could be your reality in some years ahead. Sorry, if my opinion does offend someone. I am latina and speak straigh out with my broken English.