Gently chastising other people's kids, or the home field disadvantage

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I haven't quite figured this one out, would appreciate some input.

We have a general but informal rule here, which is that to err on the side of being courteous to the guest. Usually things should stay roughly equal, but when that's impossible, the guest is deferred to.

Yesterday I took sozlet and her friend K to a festival thingie. Sozlet tried to win a fish by tossing a ping-pong ball into small glass bowls -- you know what I mean? Well, she won! First time ever, she's tried to do that a lot. She was so excited.

Friend was sad because she really wanted a fish but she kept trying and losing. This went on for a while. Then sozlet tried again and won again!!! Two fish in one night. She immediately announced that the second fish was for K. Awww...

We had a choice of leaving the fish there and picking them up later, or taking them right away. We chose later, and when we went to pick them up, K was handed a fish first. Both girls admired it, very pretty. Then sozlet got hers. Hmm. Not as pretty. Sozlet asked K if she could have the prettier one. K said no. Sozlet accepted that and tried to find the good points in her less-pretty fish.

I felt like if sozlet won both fish and was nice enough to give one to K, she should have the pick of which one to keep! But I just wasn't comfortable chastising/ interfering.

Sozlet's now happy with her less-pretty fish (I pointed out that it looks like it has a mohawk, which she liked), so that's moot. But it's something that comes up kind of a lot in this kind of minor situation. I'll go ahead and step in if something is dangerous or otherwise serious, but let these little inequities go.

What do you do in these situations?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 22 • Views: 8,376 • Replies: 111

I thought that was rather bold of sozlet to ask to trade fish, knowing the other one was more desirable.

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@chai2,

I kinda get what chai is saying, I would have felt a tiny wee bit untoward asking to trade fish but at the same time if I were in the other girl's shoes I'd have felt more untoward refusing.

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@chai2,

You mean "bold" in a good or a negative way, chai? I'm not sure what you mean.

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Making a (big) deal about things only exacerbates a situation.

kids tend to forget the small stuff and only remember those situations where a big deal was made out of it

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In light of this thread title mumpad suggested this novel.

The Slap
Christos Tsiolkas
http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741753592

review
http://www.readings.com.au/review/the-slap-christos-tsiolkas

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@sozobe,

I think you were right not to interfere in the situation after it happened. But, how is it that K got to pick the first fish? That's the moment where I might have intervened (with the benefit of hindsight). How come the owner didn't hand Sozlet both fishes, so she could decide which one to give to her friend? Or, if he had to give each girl her fish individually, how come Sozlet didn't get to pick the first fish?

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@msolga,

msolga wrote:

You mean "bold" in a good or a negative way, chai? I'm not sure what you mean.

Well, bold as in if I had a daughter who asked to trade fish, with both kids knowing the other one was more desireable, I feel I would need to talk to her later about it.

I know they're kids. But if you're going to be gracious and give your friend the 2nd fish you won, you might as well go all the way.

soz, I know you have a very good child, but the way you described it sounded like....I'll give you something, as long as I get to choose the best.

she's got a really cool fish with a mohawk. that sounds like the better deal.

As far as the friend being untoward, I think she was put in an awkward situation, where saying she wanted to keep what she got handed to her made her seem uncooperative/selfish when that isn't something she should have been asked.

When you ask a friend to your home to dinner, don't you offer them first choice of what's being served?
You don't say "oh, I was going to take that pork chop"

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(I see Thomas posted the same question while I was composing. I'll leave mine rather than delete it.)

Quote:

We had a choice of leaving the fish there and picking them up later, or taking them right away. We chose later, and when we went to pick them up, K was handed a fish first.

How did it end up that K was handed the first fish? Did they have tokens to redeem?

Maybe explain to Sozlet how nice it was for her to share with her friend and that if she wished to retain control over who got which fish, she'd have to also retain control over whatever redemption method there was, make her choice and share the other with the friend.

The pretty fish was probably the male and Sozlet's drab fish the female. Sozlet could luck out and end up with a pregnant fish and many babies if they let their fish visit each other.

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@Thomas,

Quote:

But, how is it that K got to pick the first fish?

That's exactly what I was thinking, Thomas. Sozlet won both fish & was generous enough to share her good fortune with her friend. Given that, she should have received both the fish herself & had the opportunity to decide who got which. After all, the fish was a gift to her friend from her. A bit of a stuff-up which shouldn't have happened, really. I'm very impressed with how she (Sozlet) handled the whole situation. It could have turned into a nasty scene, complete with tantrums, with some children I know! Really. Wink

In answer to your question, Soz ...I think it was best to leave things be, once both girls had been given the fish. Just too complicated & potentially unpleasant (from the point of view of children) from that point on. But I expect you gave Sozlet a few pats on the back for her generosity toward her friend & the way she dealt with her initial disappointment, though. I'm glad she's happy with her own special fish now. Smile

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

As far as the friend being untoward, I think she was put in an awkward situation, where saying she wanted to keep what she got handed to her made her seem uncooperative/selfish when that isn't something she should have been asked.

I disagree. Pursuing ones interests is fair game. Given that Sozlet didn't get handed both fishes, and given that she didn't get to pick the first fish, Sozlet was free to ask, and K was free to say "no".

chai2 wrote:

When you ask a friend to your home to dinner, don't you offer them first choice of what's being served?
You don't say "oh, I was going to take that pork chop"

Not the same. At the fair, the original deal is that each girl is supposed to score her own fish. This case arose because one girl scored and the other didn't. At a dinner invitation, by contrast, the original deal is that the hosts cook, and the guests eat. There never is any phase where the guests are supposed to bring their own dinner.

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Let me also make a point that the usual A2K members are not around to make yet: This case only goes to demonstrate what happens when law-abiding citizens like Sozlet sacrifice their Second Amendment rights and attend such a festival unarmed.

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@chai2,

Ah. I see what you meant now. I didn't know if you meant "bold" as being assertive, or a bit rude.

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when these two girls are older and both want to go out with the same boy sozlet will be able to pull the old "remember that fish" line out.

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@Thomas,

Thomas wrote:

This case only goes to demonstrate what happens when law-abiding citizens like Sozlet sacrifice their Second Amendment rights and attend such a festival unarmed.

Shooting the fish would not have solved the problem Thomas.

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Why wasn't sozlet handed the first fish?

Easy.

Because the guy/gal working the fish booth doesn't really give a thought to what kid gets what fish.

He scoops them up, pretty and not so pretty, and hands it to the kid standing there.

I had a friend (who moved) that had a daughter I guess around sozlets age. My friend said her daughter made her laugh that morning because she was pouring herself some cereal, and the box was almost empty. So she opened a different kind of cereal and added it to the bowl. The kid said while pouring "you get what you get"

My friend asked her where she got that from. She said that's what her teacher would say when she was handing out something to the kids, and some ended up with no so perfect chalk, paper tablet, game pieces etc. and they complained.

You get what you get.

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@Thomas,

Thomas wrote:

There never is any phase where the guests are supposed to bring their own dinner.

I never go to dinner at someone's home without bringing something for the meal.
Wine, flowers, etc.

I guess I don't look out for my self interests very well. I'd just as soon take a mohawk fish.

In the end, it doesn't matter letting someone else have the nicer of something, except that they might remember your graciousness, and pass that along to someone else.

Anyway, that's what I see as the potential lesson her.
Let the other person have the pretty fish.

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@chai2,

Aw I don't know, chai ... (not that I wish to make this a big deal! Wink

)

I'd say most kids have a strong sense of fairness, what's "right" & what isn't. In this case:

If you won both prizes = the fish are yours.

If you've chosen to gift half of what you won = then you get to choose what you give away & what you keep. (Unless you choose some other way.)

If you didn't win anything at all, but received a bonus gift fish from your friend, anyway = you say "thank you very much!" And accept what you've been given graciously.

Smile

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You act like events happened that were out of your control, they were not, but you did not take control. What you should have done was to go up to the counter and take possession of the prizes yourself, and then make sure that your daughter got the one she wanted first. When you first noticed that the friend was being given a prize you should have stepped in and not let her take possession. You could have gotten the adults attention and told him/her to not give it to the kid but rather to you. If the friend decided to take offense you should have given some excuse.

Fixing the problem afterwords is hugely problematic, preventing the problem was the correct way to go. YOU are the adult, you must act like the adult, and bend the result to your will.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye, they were at a fair. Having fun. I don't think Soz possibly have anticipated that this was potentially a situation that she needed to be "control" of! You can't control everything, ya know? Wink

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Gently chastising other people's kids, or the home field disadvantage

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