Quite embarassed...

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

I've asked men out on dates after first meeting them. They knew I wasn't interested in hanging out.

****, Chai - you've got more guts than I do.

@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

It was perfectly clear he meant a date.

Here's to the days when you knew you were being asked for a date.

Why and when did that stop?

Has there ever been another time when it was so hard to determine if the other person was showing interest in you when asked to spend time with them?

I'll bet Casanova didn't have this problem.

1 Reply

@Mame,

Mame wrote:

chai2 wrote:

I've asked men out on dates after first meeting them. They knew I wasn't interested in hanging out.

****, Chai - you've got more guts than I do.

oh man, I did a post here a long time ago about what I said to my husband after seeing him a few times. After reading that post, I instantly became cyphercats hero.

It was right before we went in to see the movie "The Money Pit" with Tom Hanks.

We never did learn how the movie ended.

1 Reply

@chai2,

You went to see The Money Pit with Cyphercat and Tom Hanks? Wow, you get around.

I've never asked a guy out and probably never will. Not a "date" kinda guy, anyway. Sometimes I wonder how men deal with the "No Thanks" when it happens. You'd have to have a tough skin, I think. Good for you for braving it.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Hard to be sure I really remember this, but besides the words, it was his eyes.

Not to be too much of a cut up, but it was the same with my dog when I saw him at the humane society...

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Gosh, 4 pages already, as always I'm late to the party.

I personally wouldn't go out of my way to meet a guy for 2 hours at a coffee shop if I was in a relationship with someone. Maybe if we ran into each other. Maybe she was testing the waters to see if she'd like to break up with the guy for you. I don't know. But I don't think you should feel embarrassed at all. She failed to give you all the information.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

You went to see The Money Pit with Cyphercat and Tom Hanks? Wow, you get around.

oh yeah, Tom tried to make the moves on cypher. She had to put him straight on the fact they were BOTH married.

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I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. I think the boyfriend thing is legit. If she was lying about it, it would be pretty foolish considering I met the guy (as opposed to just saying "I have a boyfriend.").

She texted me last night about a concert coming to DC in the next month. I don't think she was inviting me to go, but instead just making contact because she knew I was embarrassed by the whole thing and thought that it might mend the bruised ego.

"Ah women, they make the highs higher and lows more frequent." ~Nietzsche

T
K
O

2 Replies

@Diest TKO,

I'm glad - because the more I thought about it - the more it seemed to me that she was being on the up and up.

I mean if she knew you knew her boyfriend - or that you guys traveled in the same circles-she probably assumed you knew she was going out with him.

Secondly - how embarrassing for her would it have been if you'd asked, 'Do you want to hang out sometime?'
And she'd answered, 'Well, I have a boyfriend...'
And you might have responded, ' I'm not asking you on a date- I just want to hang out...'- making her feel as if she'd been presumptious thinking you'd be interested in her romantically.

Maybe next time you can say to someone - 'So, are you seeing anyone right now?'
I don't think that's intrusive and it gets that little detail out of the way right away.

chai - in answer to your question - there have been times I hadn't wanted to go through the rigamarole of introducing a friend whom I knew was just a friend to me but whom I really liked- to my significant other. Mostly because I knew my significant other wouldn't have really given a crap about me being friends with the person, wouldn't have found anything in common with the person, and it'd be an hour or two of sitting there awkwardly watching the minutes tick by while all of us were uncomfortable- until my significant other would have finally said- 'Yeah well, I've got work to do - see ya later.'
What would be the point?
But our situations sound different.

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@Diest TKO,

You've got the bug TK. You're in love. I can see the tell-tale signs. You've got the hots for this chick haven't you.

These ladies can't advise you about that. They're on the other side. The Ring-in-the-nose brigade.

I'd do some research on the concert and text her back. Pretend you're a fan of whatever the concert consists of which she has seen fit to mention. There's a chance the "boyfriend" doesn't like it.

It has to be admitted that your image as presented to us by you is one that I have noticed young ladies being attracted to many times in the past. Why I can't imagine but there it is. Ambitious young ladies. It has been mentioned on here that you are a bit "dishy", I think it was. I would say, on the evidence of the text that you have at the least kindled a fire. Why would she text any old jam-butty from the party? Which she might have done.

Or she is pretending you have. They are so devious in this regard that they often don't know themselves which it is. And the higher we rate the beloved's feminine intelligence the greater is the compliment to your "Dragoon Officer" image which means it is a fairly rare commodity and as such is lured into the jaws of domesticity with great skill. And oftentimes is landed on the bank gasping and wriggling.

You should watch Coronation Street.

1 Reply

@spendius,

Quote:

Quote:
does that mean he'll be interested in me innapropriately sexually

That's not possible in my experience Becks. I have never, ever, been interested in a lady inappropriately sexually. Nor have I ever heard of another chap who has either.

If I went to lunch with a mixed bunch of experts on students I would be wondering which one of the females I could shag at the least trouble and expense without my dignity being compromised too much.

Well, seeing how the same person who posted the above also said this a page or so back - who'd be fooling who?

You might as well say - let the games begin...

But you're cynical Spendius - not only on the intake, but also in the output.
Don't project your cynicism on this girl - you don't even know her.

1 Reply

Another difference in the times, or, if not the times, people's social groups, is that in the sixties and seventies having a boyfriend or girlfriend did not mean you were automatically exclusive. Exclusive was a talked about commitment, not some kind of right because you had a loving event. Indeed, commitment was often a matter of much discussion then, sometimes rather heated, between lovers and certainly between women friends talking about their lovers. I'm not sure possessiveness has increased, but there was, at least to me, more of an aura of people as independent beings then. If there has been a change, it might be due to some combination of things: a weariness with the, uh, lax morals of that time, a major step in the danger of stds with arrival of HIV, an increase in religious fundamentalism, an increase in some kind of division re oral and genital sex and which of those meant seriousness.

Not knowing the woman Diest has been interested in, I've no idea of the balance of her interest. She might not either.
She might not have been confused about Diest's asking her to hang out, but confused about her interest.

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@aidan,

aidan wrote:

Maybe next time you can say to someone - 'So, are you seeing anyone right now?'
I don't think that's intrusive and it gets that little detail out of the way right away.

Perhaps not intrusive, but it seems to put me in a vulnerable spot in terms of being embarrassed. However, given the alternative (what just happened), I'm inclined to agree and eat the bitter medicine, sugar or not.

T
K
O

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

You shouldn't be embarrassed, Diest. That girl knew exactly what she was doing the whole time you were out; unless she's a moron.

Just move on and find someone who isn't going to yank ya around.

Cycloptichorn

1 Reply

@aidan,

Quote:

making her feel as if she'd been presumptious thinking you'd be interested in her romantically.

TK's whole task is to encourage her presumptions of thinking him to be interested in her romantically: if I may continue with Rebecca's broad-brush expression. I feel sure she has no illusions about that. TK probably has all the hearts in the district throbbing. He's too shy to admit it of course.

There's nothing odd, least of all to be ashamed of, in our heroine having such presumptions when TK has given her his attention. And it looks as if the boyfriend's attentions are elsewhere too often.

Quote:

Maybe next time you can say to someone - 'So, are you seeing anyone right now

And what good will that do? It's fifty-fifty she'll lie. It will be a late night situation with music and alcohol not soberly sat at a computer.

Quote:

chai - in answer to your question - there have been times I hadn't wanted to go through the rigamarole of introducing a friend whom I knew was just a friend to me but whom I really liked- to my significant other. Mostly because I knew my significant other wouldn't have really given a crap about me being friends with the person, wouldn't have found anything in common with the person, and it'd be an hour or two of sitting there awkwardly watching the minutes tick by while all of us were uncomfortable- until my significant other would have finally said- 'Yeah well, I've got work to do - see ya later.'
What would be the point?

You're right- in the situation you set up. It's forced and wooden. Introductions of that nature can, and usually do, take place in more relaxed settings and are seemingly accidental. And rarely uninteresting. As many movies will testify.

Would you dust and tidy the premises and refresh the bathroom before the friend arrived? I think an alert significant other would notice that.

1 Reply

@spendius,

Spendius asked:

Quote:

Would you dust and tidy the premises and refresh the bathroom before the friend arrived? I think an alert significant other would notice that

That was my a2k laugh for the year. Actually, it'd be more suspect if I didn't 'dust and tidy the premises and refresh the bathroom' before anyone came to my house.

that'd mean I was really, really comfortable with them - and knew them so well that I knew they wouldn't care about or judge me by my housekeeping.

Quote:

And what good will that do? It's fifty-fifty she'll lie. It will be a late night situation with music and alcohol not soberly sat at a computer.

ASSERTION/ASSUMPTION!
Why do you think she's likely as not to be a liar?

You know - some people look at other people as people: interesting to get to know. I don't know how anyone would ever get to know anyone if they were always doing all the measurement taking and 'she said this - but she meant that' **** that you guys apparently think goes on in every single interaction.

You sound like an American (or your version of what you think an American is): Although you've never met the girl - you already KNOW what she was up to. That's bullshit.

1 Reply

@aidan,

Quote:

Don't project your cynicism on this girl - you don't even know her.

I know some things about her. She's a real person to me. I don't think she just "bumped-into" TK at the party. And look at TK's photo carefully. And read his profile. That combination doesn't grow on trees. She must be good looking.

And it isn't cynical to talk turkey. It's cynical to manipulate words to make it sound what it isn't to suit a particular viewpoint. It's chemistry. Not social bloody science.

TK wouldn't be going on about it if he didn't have the hots. And she wouldn't have texted him if he hadn't kindled a fire. That's a version of dropping a handerchief.

I'm being romantic. I must have talked to dozens, if not hundreds, of lovesick blokes. Anything that steers the conversation onto the beloved.

Cyclo--you must have been yanked around yourself to say what you said so bitterly. Any bloke who is not up for being yanked around should avoid women altogether. It is a given.

Tell us more about her TK. I think you might go to some trouble to have her yank you around.

1 Reply

@aidan,

Quote:

Why do you think she's likely as not to be a liar?

I don't. I just don't know so it's useless pondering the matter.

Quote:

You know - some people look at other people as people: interesting to get to know. I don't know how anyone would ever get to know anyone if they were always doing all the measurement taking and 'she said this - but she meant that' **** that you guys apparently think goes on in every single interaction.

It depends on what depth you are looking at them. People as people or people as a product of a particular upbringing. Both are interesting. One is easy to take.

Love transcends upbringing doesn't it? If TK does have the hots he won't be acting rationally as an Agony Aunt might expect him to do. And if he doesn't he wouldn't keep the thread going.

Quote:

You sound like an American (or your version of what you think an American is): Although you've never met the girl - you already KNOW what she was up to. That's bullshit.

It would sound American I suppose if looked at from the "product of the upbringing" point of view but not from the "people as people" side which is where I am. Her presence at the party, no doubt all fancied up with aids for sexual allurement, her giving our handsome and promising hero her time and her texting him don't, I'll admit, enable me to KNOW what she is up to. But I strongly suspect that I know.

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@spendius,

I'd stick to drinking if I were you, Spendi; you're better at it than giving advice.

Cycloptichorn

1 Reply

@Cycloptichorn,

By how much?

I've always found non-drinker's advice to be hopeless.

But you're entitled to follow whatever advice you want.

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Quite embarassed...

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