Quite embarassed...

@aidan,

aidan wrote:

unless your partner likes all your friends, (which was never the case for me) how are you ever gonna stay friends with your old friends or make new friends?

Well, I did say this.....

"My husband has 2 female friends like that. One of them I just don't like, and wouldn't want to spend any time with her, but he likes her. The other one is really nice, and I like having her visit the house, but I really don't want to go do anything with her...but he does."

but, before he got to the stage of the relationship that they go do stuff together, by themselves....I was introduced to them both, and they spent time with the both of us.

If I met a gay guy somewhere, and we both decided we'd like to go do something together, that'd be fine.....because.....I'd tell my husband "I met a gay guy, really nice person, and we're going to go watch them dredge out barton springs, and then we're going to go catch some of those endangered salamanders and hold them for ransom."

However, if the man was straight, just out of courtesy I'd introduce him to my husband because I would want everything above board.

Friends are great, and making new ones is good. But I feel if you have a relationship or a marriage, that person has a special meaning. I know my husband would trust me, but he doesn't know this other guy to trust him. He knows I wouldn't do anything, but he doesn't know this guy wouldn't try some funny business. If I never met a female friend of my husband, I'd be wondering if she thinks it's more than a friendship. I trust my husband wouldn't try anything, but I don't know about her.

I have a strong belief that someone who's attached does not flirt with someone, and if one knows another person is attached, they do not flirt with them.

Seems that a lot of people think that's ok, and harmless, but I don't.

2 Replies

@chai2,

I feel I have to say chai that American men are very lucky to have such perfect ladies as you seem to be as their companions through life.

And Charles Darwin will be whirling in his tomb to see you calling it a "funny business." Especially after the witty sentence about the salamanders.

And if you are not going to "do anything" how are you going to get out of the car or eat your popcorn. Do you mean you wouldn't do anything that ladies do when they are granting a friend permission to make freely with their person? You should say so if that's what you meant.

1 Reply

@chai2,

so did this girl flirt with diest? I think he said the guy was flirting with all the other girls, to the point that he didn't know he was attached at all - much less to this girl...

I don't know. I've never felt the need to meet each and every friend- and honestly, I've never had the time.
When my kids were little, my husband used to play raquetball with this nurse- I couldn't go - I was with the kids. Anyway, I never met her - I never felt the need to meet her. It's not like he talked about her as if she'd be interesting to me in any way- they were colleagues (actually by that time if I ever had to sit through another social engagement with any more medical professionals I would have gagged) and they both liked to play racketball - so I figured - let them play raquetball- because if anything'd been going on - he'd have said he was playing raquetball with a guy - he certainly wouldn't have told me it was a woman - or he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.
I mean for goodness sakes I could have turned up at the Y and checked her out if I'd wanted to- you know?
So, I never pictured any flirting going on...and even if I had met her - what's she gonna do - flirt with him in front of me? No, even if she wanted to flirt - or wanted him for anything other than raquetball - me meeting her wasn't gonna make any difference in the way she acted toward him or he acted toward her when I wasn't around.

Same is true in terms of me introducing every friend I make to a partner - what difference does that make? If I work at school every day and make friends with another teacher - do I have to introduce that person to my significant other before I can talk to him every day and become friends with him? And just because he's not gay, does that mean he'll be interested in me innapropriately sexually - or me with him? No -I don't think so.
I've gone out to lunch with teachers married and unmarried - I never thought to even consider the fact that their wives should meet me or my husband should meet them.. Because I knew that all we were doing was going out to lunch and talking about our mutual students. And everything WAS above board.

Because, no - I wouldn't be interested in disrespecting my own or someone else's relationship either- or hurting anyone I didn't know. As I said - friends means friends to me.

But Jesus - this girl isn't even married - does she really have to introduce every guy she meets to her boyfriend (the one who was flirting with all the other girls) before she can call him a friend and spend time with him?

3 Replies

@aidan,

Because what if he tells her that no - he doesn't want her to spend time with that particular person who she likes as nothing more than a friend?

I mean - what if you introduce the person and your significant other says - I don't want you to have that person as a friend....do you let him control you and the relationship in that way- when you know there's absolutely nothing untoward going on? That would be a shame and sounds sort of unhealthy to me.

1 Reply

@spendius,

spendius wrote:

I feel I have to say chai that American men are very lucky to have such perfect ladies as you seem to be as their companions through life.

I feel I have to say that ONE American man is very lucky.

0 Replies

@aidan,

Quote:

does that mean he'll be interested in me innapropriately sexually

That's not possible in my experience Becks. I have never, ever, been interested in a lady inappropriately sexually. Nor have I ever heard of another chap who has either.

If I went to lunch with a mixed bunch of experts on students I would be wondering which one of the females I could shag at the least trouble and expense without my dignity being compromised too much.

I would save my attention to the students for the classroom.

0 Replies

@aidan,

aidan wrote:

I don't know. I've never felt the need to meet each and every friend- and honestly, I've never had the time.

We've never had such an enormous amount of friends that it would be a hardship for the other to meet them. I'm not one to have oodles of friends, neither does he. If we are just friendly with some people, we count them as acquaintances....It takes someone special in both our minds to turn someone from an aquaintance to a friend. Maybe just a difference in definition that various people have about the word friend. I see the word as someone one is lucky enough to have half a dozen of in a lifetime. All the rest are just people you're friendly with.

And just because he's not gay, does that mean he'll be interested in me innapropriately sexually - or me with him?

Definately not. But in the interest of complete disclosure to my spouse, I wouldn't take the case that this person who I wasn't interested in shows interest in me.

does she really have to introduce every guy she meets to her boyfriend (the one who was flirting with all the other girls) before she can call him a friend and spend time with him?

Sure, why not? Is that a big deal or something? I sure don't think so. Why wouldn't you want to do that. I mean, she really doesn't "have to", but why wouldn't she want to?

My way is not everyone's way, but on the other hand, it's not no one's way either.

I take great comfort in knowing all the people my husband knows, and I believe he feels the same way. Neither of us really want to go out there and meet lots of new people. We're both introverts and recharge ourselves by getting away from the day to day interactions with others. My husband loves loves loves watching movies...He laughes when I say "Well, at least I know where you are." He knows I don't mean that in a posssessive way, because we communicate. Like you said before, things would be so much easier if people just communicated their intent. Like maybe not using a loose generic term like hanging out when you mean spending a little special time with someone. Or volunteering to a member of the opposite sex that one is invoved with someone when asked to hang out, based on the fact apparantly some people mean more than that when they say it.

Life is one big classroom.

0 Replies

@Diest TKO,

Diest TKO wrote:

Well, that's not the truth, I won't do anything to have her company. I really wish she had been upfront and saved me the embarrassment.

Well, hopefully the next person I meet that I like will actually be single.

T
K
O

Embarassment is a hard-to-avoid, but mostly useless condition. You did nothing shameful: the sting of rejection is real, but everyone encounters it generally more than they admit. It's a big world and you shouldn't draw any particular conclusions from your encounters with any individual. Easy to say, but hard to do, for everyone - still it's true.

Openness and candor about your interests in others are generally a good thing. However they are wasted on some people, generally appealing most to those who are mature and self-confident themselves. Often it is those, who themselves are unsure and insecure, who are the most insensitive of the natural feelings of others. Something worth remembering.

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

Has anyone yet said fuggetaboutit? I haven't read up.

0 Replies

@aidan,

aidan wrote:

Because what if he tells her that no - he doesn't want her to spend time with that particular person who she likes as nothing more than a friend?

I mean - what if you introduce the person and your significant other says - I don't want you to have that person as a friend....do you let him control you and the relationship in that way- when you know there's absolutely nothing untoward going on? That would be a shame and sounds sort of unhealthy to me.

Well, that's a good question.

I'll have to ask another one though in response. Why would someone not want their Sig Other to spend time with someone who's liked only as a friend?

I'd expect that person would be able to advise me not to because they know the person is bad news, a trouble maker, into drugs, or something else that, if you knew, wouldn't want to have that person as a friend. It'd be the same thing if a true friend of yours found out you're developing a friendship with someone with problems. I'd expect a true friend to step forward and warn me.

You're correct that if a sig other told me he didn't want to be friends with someone you like, with no good reason, that would be controlling......and I wouln't be with someone like that in the first place.

Or, if by some chance I didn't know the sig other was controlling until that time, that would make me reconsider what I saw in him.....and I'd probably end up telling him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out very shortly after finding out.

I know my worth.

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

A couple of us have asked, and I don't think you answered ... did she know that hanging out meant date to you?

There are enough posters here who wouldn't have picked up on that if you'd asked them to hang out.

~~~~

Whether or not people in relationships should be able to hang out is a different question. I'd say yes, if the hanging out isn't really meant to be a date. I've always had male hanging-out friends while in relationships, and I certainly didn't know any of Set's female hanging-out friends before he moved here. I had no interest in getting to know them. He has his friends, I have my friends, and we have a couple of friends in common.

0 Replies

@georgeob1,

georgeob1 wrote:

Embarassment is a hard-to-avoid, but mostly useless condition.

True....one good thing about getting to be a woman (or gentlemen) of a certain age is that practically nothing embarasses you.

I think the last time I got embarassed was when I was about 30. After that, I said "screw it"

0 Replies

@Diest TKO,

Diest TKO wrote:

They barely talked to each other and further, he seemed to be flirting with every girl there so I would have never come to the conclusion that he had a girlfriend

except for the location and the extreme age differential this could easily describe meeting Set and me at a function. We arrive together, leave together - but in between, you wouldn't necessarily be able to tell that we know each other.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Just like you are here. Wink

1 Reply

@chai2,

Quote:

.....and I'd probably end up telling him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out very shortly after finding out.

The "probably" meaning that you might consider whether you might end up on your ass if you did tell him that.

1 Reply

@chai2,

You noticed Laughing

1 Reply

Agreeing with George.

Reminiscing to see if I have anything useful to add -

1) walking with a guy towards the student union after a morning chemistry lab where his "bench" was across from mine, we were just talking about this and that and he said something about would I like to go out on Saturday. My left contact lens immediately went off center to the inner corner of my eye, resulting in some serious self eye gouging on my part. We managed to move aside from the flow of traffic, I fixed it, looked up, and said yes. That might have been to see Coltrane, no longer remember the sequence - which I'd remembered every bit of at the time as I fell in love with him. It was perfectly clear he meant a date.

One didn't really know it would develop to be a romance, but the question "would you like to go out?" was a romantic question. There would be a plan, whether it was to see a movie, go to dinner/dancing, hiking..

2) but I haven't been young during this whole period of people hanging out in groups with various tangential hook ups. So - I've no clue about the signals in recent social situations.

3) men and women being friends while either or both have mates - can, I suppose, be complicated, but I've rarely found it so. Sort of another whole subject from the one about how to be clear you are asking to spend time with someone because they interest you.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Man, I'll tell ya, I didn't know for the longest time.

I was wondering who you were doing "tap...tap....tap" at for quite a while, thinking "wow, I wouldn't want to be in that guys shoes.

on the other hand, I was wondering "who is this sweetie pie of which he speaks?"

Cool

0 Replies

@spendius,

spendius wrote:

Quote:
so I used to go with this guy to plays...so what?

So--if he doesn't try to get you in the sack that really must make you feel bad.

Nah... I have several male friends of longstanding that I would be pissed at if they tried that **** on me. We're friends and that's that. I don't need or want guys coming on to me to make me feel flattered or good. You can't speak for women, Spendi, that's obvious! lol

0 Replies

@spendius,

No, the probably was only in regards to the timing.

It might be that I'd decide to get the cast iron skillet out first and get in some practice swings first to limber up.

Then he'd be advised to make like an egg and get out of here.

0 Replies

Quite embarassed...

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