Should I lie to spare feelings?

make some plans....then call and say you have other plans. It will be the truth.

You don't have to give an excuse. You can just call and say in a kind and enthusiastic voice that I am sorry she won't be able to be there and thank you for inviting her. I doubt they will ask why.

Is is R.S.V.P.? Or Regrets?

Well actually doing something than going to the party is other plans, so it isn't really lying to say that you have other plans. Where it gets awkward if the mother is crass enough to ask what the other plans are though, so Bear's suggestion might be the safest route to go.

But on the larger issue, yes if no good purpose is accomplished in telling the truth and no harm is caused by the lie, it is okay to lie to spare somebody's feelings. I am wondering though that even if the birthday girl isn't a favorite person why a child would want to be the odd one out when everybody else is going to the party. Is there something that she isn't telling?

You can make the "plan" come true. That also shows your daughter two things: one, it's not okay to lie, and 2) you support her decision.

It was via talking to hubby - he said he wasn't sure, she said she would call me - it was going to HSM3 so she needed to buy the tickets - I need to call her soon

Its this girl

http://able2know.org/topic/122573-1

and that is just the icing on the cake (sort of speak) - I think my daughter has a very strong sense of right and wrong and even being the odd man out she would rather not deal.

It actually is my husband's birthday this weekend so maybe I will get him a "surprise" cake early.

Of course it's ok to lie sometimes to spare feelings....but you shouldn't let your daughter know that. She'll find out when she's old enough to understand when it's appropriate.

I'd just call and say she can't make it. If she's nosey and asks why, tell her that it's personal. She has no business knowing what's going on in your life anyway.

Bella Dea, I must disagree; I don't believe it's a good idea to add to the already bad feelings.

polar, i like your style.

I think mismi's approach is best.

In effect, thank you but unable to attend. Briskly - so there's no opportunity for questioning.

Foxy's right. Anything other than going to the party is other plans, so if questioned - other plans. Again, briskly in a way that any comment/question from the other parent isn't encouraged.

I've got a colleague who responds to questions about other plans in a way that makes it clear the questioning is rude, without being obviously rude herself. She's got a gift I wish I had. Something in her tone just discourages any question/comment. Amazing.

wait a second. it iS ok to lie...

what are you guys trying to teach her?How to fail?

seriously i was stuck on an honesty thing for a while, it got me nowhere.

if i didnt lie i wouldnt even have a job.

my point of view, some of u might not agree...

mmm, so as to the question of 'should you lie', my answer would be no.

avoid, distract, but don't lie

What would be adding to bad feelings?

Being honest in tell that woman it is personal?

In my opinion, doing that shows her daughter several things. 1) She doesn't have to do anything she isn't comfortable with. 2) Her business is her business. 3) Lying isn't the way out.

What about that adds to any bad feelings? If anything I would think it would empower the child.

That is it exactly - I don't want my child to think she needs to do something especially for some one that is mean to her. When I talked with her this morning I asked her if she wanted to go - she said no and explained to me how this girl is frequently mean. I told her I understand and that is an acceptable reason - a reason about some one not being popular or other kids make fun of them is not acceptable.

The way I look at it - I want my child to learn to be considerate of others, but not to be a doormat.

But you said "Of course it's ok to lie sometimes to spare feelings..."

Well I did it. I really s*ck at it. But I just said we have plans.

perhaps you could just send a size appropriate srtap on with your apologies