Should I lie to spare feelings?

I agree, if you really are worried in your gut about this then the "we have other plans" line is really a truthful but considerate way of backing out. "Plans" to me represents the way you choose to raise your own daughter. So it is not a lie at all.

Or tell your daughter it is an experience in tolerance, life is not always easy. You could also, prewarn them that she may not stay for the whole party, call halfway through the party and see if she wants to come home or ask that you can stay for the party also and offer to bring something.

Why is everyone still stuck on this? Ok not everyone. But anyway, i am totally disgrunted today.

No one lied. No one did anything wrong. You don't OWE any one an explanation, ever. If someone deserves it, you give it. On top of that, this woman is not your friend, her daughter is not your daughters friend and this girl is mean...why would anyone think you owe them some sort of explanation?

****, I lie like a rug all the time.

It is all about morals and everyone's morals are different - that is probably why it has caused such an uproar.

I did what felt right to me and what felt right for my daughter - however, I do enjoy the different points of view.

Nice! I like your thought process - and to be honest (what an oxymoran huh?), I lie alot to my kids at least I used to when they were at that "why" stage. I got so sick of them asking why to everything, I would start to make things up just for fun. I would really try to get crazy sometimes to see if they would believe me or not. Granted it wasn't anything that would be important just those retarded whys that you didn't know the answers to.

Hi Linkat , you dealt with it the way most of us would have you feel alright, good , no harm done.
What I am suggesting is this: I have lived half of my life thinking about my "Feelings" and Oh if my feelings got hurt that is a terrible thing. The new direction that I learned now is that we cannot let feelings and emotions run our life. we cannot teach our kids to identify themselves as their feelings.
In my personal experience I have been both the mean girl and your daughter.
Being a mean girl I got a shock of my life when I was called into our behaviorist's office and saw two of my female colleagues who complained how I have been pushing their buttons. I thought of these two girls as my best friends. I was in a new town all alone with a new born baby and thought I could find friends by being friendly and funny. I cried for almost a week. I learned a lot from that unpleasant experience . I wish one of the girls had expressed herself clearly before it got to that point.
So this time your daughter spared her feelings but in the long run as you say if your daughter's intuition is correct than this girl will suffer by being this way and it would be in her best interest if she was made aware of her attitude at this stage.
I have been your daughter many times and have spared many people's feelings , it does not help them and it does not help me. Living life this way ,
Silently over the years it robs you of your peace and joy. The same attitude translates in marriage friendships and professional life.
It seems I am taking it too seriously. To me it is not about this birthdaty party but the bigger question you asked is "Is it Ok to teach our children to lie to spare someone's feelings?"
I am like you when it comes to children I analyze everything.

I lie alot to my kids at least I used to when they were at that "why" stage. I got so sick of them asking why to everything, I would start to make things up just for fun.


heh, I knew this guy when his kids where going through this "why?" stage....

He would answer "well, that's hard to say"

(ps, I don't lie)

I see your point - but the intention of this wasn't to let feelings run our life. If it were, then my daughter would have attended the party.

Also, this girl isn't always mean - she is sort of one minute really sweet and nice and the next almost cruel. For example the other day this girl stood up for my daughter and helped her out. The way we work on this is - when the girl is acting mean, my daughter doesn't play with her and she lets her know why she isn't playing with her. ie I will not play with you when you act mean toward me. I told my daughter if she does this, this girl will learn that she won't have other kids to play with if she acts that way.

In this case, it is a party that she prefers not to go to because she doesn't like the girl - the difference being why hurt some one feelings simply because you don't like them - and remember this is a different situation - little girl vs an adult.

Well my lies were usually so crazy - the kids knew I was making stuff up.