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Mon 31 Dec, 2007 12:35 pm
12 years ago, when I was only 18, I met a guy with whom I had an INSTANT connection. I fell in love with him and we were very close friends throughout our first two years of college. We were never officially in a relationship and never had sex (although there was plenty of other physical activity involved in the relationship). I knew how I felt about him, and knew he cared about me, but he didn't want the same things out of the relationship (he will be the first to admit that he didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated back then). In fact, throughout the two years we spent as friends in college he dated other women, one of which was a good friend of mine. I was devastated and decided that it was time for me to move on, even though I was still in love with him.
We parted ways under bad circumstances and ended up living 6 hours away from each other. Somehow, about a year after parting ways (9 years ago now) we reconnected. We started talking occasionally, seeing each other at trips back to college, and keeping each other informed about our lives, relationships and careers regularly via email. There was always tension between us - and again - while we never acted on it - it was always there.
At some point I realized that a life with my college love probably wasn't in the cards for me and I moved on. I met a nice guy who I had a lot in common with. We dated for a couple of years and then got married. We've been married for 2 1/2 years now. I never felt for my husband the way I felt for this other man. In fact, before we got married I was already questioning whether or not this was the right decision for me. And it doesn't make it any easier that none of my friends are crazy about my husband. They don't like spending time with me when he's around. For a long time I've felt like I've been trapped in a marriage of convenience.
Here's the dilemma. My friend from college was in town recently visiting another one of our friends. We all met for drinks and had a great time. Toward the end of the evening I ended up having a 2 hour conversation with him where he told me what I wanted to hear 12 years ago - that he's in love with me and that he's always loved me, but he was too immature at 18 to realize that's what it was. I've felt sick to my stomach since hearing this. While I would have done anything to be with him I'm not sure leaving my husband is one of those things. And I would never have an affair (although some would argue that my continued contact with him over the years was an affair of sorts anyway). When is it just TOO LATE for two people???
First I'd like to Welcome you to A2K :-D
This is a tough one! I think you made a mistake getting married to a man you weren't sure you wanted to marry.
Are you in love with your husband? Do you have children?
If not, maybe you should start thinking about getting out of your marriage, allowing both you and your husband to be free to find the love that I think is the most important part of a marriage.
If there are children involved, that complicates things quite a bit.
Thanks for the welcome! Fortunately my husband and I do not have any children.
I've had several conversations with him over the last year or so about my feelings of loneliness and disconnect with friends. My husband started traveling a lot for work this year and what really made me realize that the relationship was in trouble was that I found that I was looking forward to that time alone.
What it comes down to is that I'm really scared and I can't imagine hurting my husband as much as this will hurt. He is a GREAT guy, I just think he's not the right guy for me.
Re: Love of my life returns, but I'm married already
bndfhrses wrote:When is it just TOO LATE for two people???
When you get married to someone else. That is when it is too late.
You moved on and have gotten married and you need to devote yourself to making this marriage work. You say you feel like you are in a marriage of convenience, but I would bet if you were honest with yourself, you are saying that because of the newly discovered interest of this other guy.
bndfhrses wrote: He is a GREAT guy, I just think he's not the right guy for me.
I have felt that way about people I have dated as well.
I can understand that feeling.
So how would you go about telling HIM that?
That is the big issue no matter if you chose to try to date the other guy or not..
apparently this is the issue in your marriage. How will you address that?
Thanks for the responses!
The ex is not married and never has been.
So you asked why I wouldn't leave...
I wouldn't want to leave my husband for somebody else. That doesn't feel right to me. If I'm going to leave my husband I would rather it be for reasons associated with OUR relationship, not a relationship with somebody else. I'm just worried that this recent encounter with my ex is what's really spawning stronger feelings about wanting out of the marriage.
Chiming in with Phoenix to ask "why not"?
I'd be headed towards where the butterflies are at (as long as the source of butterflies is single)! That's a feeling we don't get often enough and if you're not happy with your husband, it's not fair to him either if you stay with him.
Re: Love of my life returns, but I'm married already
CoastalRat wrote:bndfhrses wrote:When is it just TOO LATE for two people???
When you get married to someone else. That is when it is too late.
You moved on and have gotten married and you need to devote yourself to making this marriage work. You say you feel like you are in a marriage of convenience, but I would bet if you were honest with yourself, you are saying that because of the newly discovered interest of this other guy.
I disagree CR. She mentioned that she always had doubts about the marriage, which is when she should have called it off, but just because she may have made a mistake in marrying a man she truly wasn't in love with, doesn't mean she's bound to him for life.
bndfhrses wrote:Thanks for the responses!
The ex is not married and never has been.
So you asked why I wouldn't leave...
I wouldn't want to leave my husband for somebody else. That doesn't feel right to me. If I'm going to leave my husband I would rather it be for reasons associated with OUR relationship, not a relationship with somebody else. I'm just worried that this recent encounter with my ex is what's really spawning stronger feelings about wanting out of the marriage.
You said your heart wasn't into getting married. No butterflies, and that sounds like reason enough for me.
It doesn't mean you have to go jumping into another relationship right away. If you decided to leave, I would strongly suggest you take some time for yourself before jumping into another relationship.
If your ex loves you, he'll give you the time you need to overcome the guilt factor.
bndfhrses wrote:Thanks for the welcome! Fortunately my husband and I do not have any children.
I've had several conversations with him over the last year or so about my feelings of loneliness and disconnect with friends. My husband started traveling a lot for work this year and what really made me realize that the relationship was in trouble was that I found that I was looking forward to that time alone.
What it comes down to is that I'm really scared and I can't imagine hurting my husband as much as this will hurt. He is a GREAT guy, I just think he's not the right guy for me.
It's sad, but don't you think it will hurt him more in the long run if you stay with him.
You're not happy and he will eventually figure that out and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for him.
Imagine yourself making a once-and-for-all decision. You're 30 years old. Can you imagine not having a relationship with your friend for the next 40 years while you stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Stringing them both along is unfair to everyone -- yourself included.
Convince yourself that you have to give up one or the other and then decide which one it will be.
Sounds like there were straws already on the camel's back - and running into an old flame became the last straw.
It's only fair to let your husband go so he can love again. Take care of that business first. It really sounds like he's not too happy either.
Then you can explore other options. But be sure this is not the fantasy you are in love with. You are not 18 anymore, and neither is he.
Promise you won't MARRY him!!! (at least for 2 years)
Again, I can't thank you enough for all of the advice.
Sullyfish brings up a good point...
Quote:...be sure this is not the fantasy you are in love with. You are not 18 anymore, and neither is he.
That is a big concern for me...am I unhappy in my marriage, am I in love with (or the idea of) my ex or am I unhappy because I miss the person I use to be before getting married? I think part of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I've changed a lot for my husband and I miss the old me. I use to be social, surrounded by family and great friends. My husband is a homebody - he never wants to meet people out for dinner, play a game of cards with friends, etc. I really miss that.
I haven't spent any significant amount of time with my ex - he could very well be a completely different person today - as am I as well. I'm very aware of the fact that there's a fantasy issue involved in this situation. I find myself asking this question a lot, "What would my life be like now if ???"
Who cares why you are unhappy in this marriage...the point is that you are unhappy.
End the marriage and move on...let him move on.
Even if you don't end up with this other guy, you will at least have the chance at being happy.
Re: Love of my life returns, but I'm married already
Montana wrote:CoastalRat wrote:bndfhrses wrote:When is it just TOO LATE for two people???
When you get married to someone else. That is when it is too late.
You moved on and have gotten married and you need to devote yourself to making this marriage work. You say you feel like you are in a marriage of convenience, but I would bet if you were honest with yourself, you are saying that because of the newly discovered interest of this other guy.
I disagree CR. She mentioned that she always had doubts about the marriage, which is when she should have called it off, but just because she may have made a mistake in marrying a man she truly wasn't in love with, doesn't mean she's bound to him for life.
My point is that she made a choice to marry and is now questioning that choice after the so called "love of her life" has returned and now says he loves her. Quite conveniant that now she says she really never loved her husband.
But regardless, she should indeed just call it quits and walk away. Then when the "love of her life" finds the "love of his life", she will deserve what then happens.
I'm not trying to wag a finger. If I am, then sorry. Lord knows we all make mistakes in our lives.
But her sudden realization that she made a mistake which just happens to coincide with the return of a guy that she says is the love of her life is just too coincidental. I think she wants support to walk away from a marriage just because of the return of this guy. After all, that is so much easier than trying to make her marriage work.
Of course I could well be wrong. But she wants opinions and I think she needs to consider the possibility that what I wrote may be the case.
I have little regard for anyone who marries and then down the line they decide they never really loved their spouse and of course they now realize it just in time for the return of the "one person they always loved." It all smacks of self-justification to me.
I kind of side with Coastalrat - it seems that when "love of her life" suddenly returns her husband is no longer her "love of her life." You have to forget about "love of her life" at least in the short term and re-evaluate your relationship with her husband first. Do you feel unhappy because of this other guy or are you unhappy with your marriage in general? Is this unhappiness just the honeymoon is over feeling or is it truly something much bigger? Have you talked with your husband about how you feel in this marriage? Have you tried to work on it with her husband? Have you worked with a counselor on your feelings?
It is true we all make mistakes - we also don't have the butterfly feeling 24/7/365 and it does fade a bit after being married. Is it simply this realization that marriage isn't all fairytale but requires some work? Have you tried to work on this? If not, any relationship you become involved with is bound to fail. What will happen 6 months after you marry "love of your life" and the butterflies stop with him? Will former hubby seem better then?
You need to evaluate your current relationship first. If after discussing with your husband, trying to improve it and working with a counselor - it is not working, then you are in a position to decide with your husband if you should end the marriage.
I agree that you should look at your own marriage unrelated to "the love of your life". If you have problems, work on them; and if they cannot be reconciled, consider moving on and take time to be alone and discover yourself.
Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. And I do not know if it's even appropriate to share these kinds of feelings with a married person.
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