Love of my life returns, but I'm married already

From what I've read, she states that she never had the butterflies with her husband in the first place.

I'm aware that the novelty wares off, but I'm going by what she explained in her post about how she had doubts about marrying her husband.

It sounds very much to me like she cares about her husband and may even love him, but I don't think she was ever IN LOVE with him (my definition of butterflies)!

bndfhrses- It won't be easy, but IMO you need to evaluate your marriage irrespective of your boyfriend. If the boyfriend disappeared tomorrow, would you still leave your husband? If you can answer that honestly, you already know what you have to do, one way or the other.

Hi Phoenix - I agree, I definitely have to evaluate my marriage separate from whatever feelings I have toward my friend. As somebody mentioned earlier in the thread, I think the conversation with my friend was the last straw on the camel's back. It resurrected fears about my marriage that I've been hiding from for sometime now.

There have been several times over the last year where I felt as if I had made the wrong decision in marrying my husband. And while I know you can't have "butterflies" 24/7, I'm afraid of the fact that I've had so many doubts so early on.



I think I can answer this question honestly...I'm just scared to say it out loud.

I reunited with an old flame of mine, someone I believed was the one true love of my life, who I always pined for and never really got over. He turned out to not be the man on a pedestal I had put him on. The rose-colored glasses finally came off.

Take this old love out of the picture for the moment. Look seriously at your marriage. Many marriages are not the fireworks bumpity bump heart stopping relationships we would all like to have. There are many where the couples are happy to get along together and companionship is the key. You may have married for comfort.

If you end this marriage, fall in love with your college sweetheart and he with you, and then over a bit of time find out that you are unhappy (you leave, he leaves, whichever), will you be desperate to marry again? Just so you are not alone? Can you imagine yourself not finding a husband again? Did you settle for this husband you have, or did you truly think it would work? He may be a great guy but do you love him? Not the adoring I-can't-breathe-when-he-kisses-me type of love, but the long-term, I can-see-myself-with-him-when-we're-80 kind of love.

I have a similar thing like you are going through but a bit different.

I met this guy Sept 97 at a job I got hired at. WE became friends that day I started working. We went out as friends, I even went on dates with him. But never like a serious relationship. I was afraid to hurt him.

I found out after I had met my husband that he had loved me all this time and tried to leave hints and I never noticed. He would do anything for me, if I would say I love cocker spaniel puppies, he would call me in a day or 2 with a cocker puppy. Yeah never says no to me.

In a way I wish he had told me this before I accepted this ring of my hubs.

You are torn between the two. Firstly you need to see if you love your husband the way you should. You probably feel sick in your stomach off and on thinking about these things too, I do alot. I am going through some problems as well too.

I hope you find a right path. I really don't have much advice to give you but to tell you, choose one soon before everyone gets hurt.

OMG!!! I can completely speak from experience.

My husband and I just got to the position where we could actually talk about this situation.

I went through something similarly. The only difference is the guy was married and at the time I was engaged. So I had the blessing of figuring out IF I was going to go through with my wedding.

This is what you should do:

1. Ask yourself if your husband is a GOOD man-- there are very few these days
2. Does he think the WORLD of you, LOVE you unconditionally--if so, think about divorce very carefully
3. Think about the situation--truth is if you divorce for this reason, it will be the basis of your "current" relationship, even though you all have had your "time" before
4. TALK to your husband before you get further into a "situation" with your ex.--if he truly values your relationship, he will try to resolve the problem. If you get in too deep with the other guy, your husband will be more hurt and have reason to act up, if you know what I mean.
5. Give your husband some TIME to be a husband w/o "interference."
6. Try to use the same energy focusing on the other guy on your MARRIAGE--example. Every time you think about calling the other man, call your husband and tell him something special about him--if it goes the way I think, you will get it back 10-fold.

If this other guy loves you sooo much, he will respect your marriage--and IF it falls apart, it should fall apart over something other than "interference" from outside individuals.

Remember "forsaking all others"..... We're still working through it and the way I felt for this other man HAS transferred towards my husband. Our relationship continues to elevate. We are now able to absolutely talk about any and everything.

REMEMBER: You probably didn't marry your husband because he's an awful, bad, irresponsible man....

Indubididly--

Good post. Welcome to A2K.

Indubididly, I agree with Noddy and you sure gave me some food for thought!

Welcome aboard the A2K train :-D

If I may make an observation - back in college, he was the love of your life, but you weren't the love of his life.

What has changed in that time to make him 'realise'?

One thing certainly has changed in that time - you are no longer as accessible as you once were (being now married).

And that observation may be completely misleading.

I love the band "Band of Horses!" Nice screen name! Not the responce you'd probably care for, but the band is great!

I too have a one that got away in college, and she is married now. I'm actually dealing with the issues of resentment I feel towards her now. Back then I was treated pretty low. She knew I'd always care, and that fact allowed her to do many cruel thinigs all the while benifiting from the affection.

Lost love is sometimes best to stay lost.

Uh Oh here comes "Bitter Shawanga"! I think you are doing the right thing in trying to sort your feelings out before jumping ship. Please don't make the mistake of leaving your husband for an illusion. In your history, you have never been intimate with this man, so he is just the antidote to all that is wrong in your life. Counseling may not be a bad idea.

Evidently Bitter Shawanga is a complicated man. Getting to know him is interesting.

I just wanted to let everyone here know that I had a conversation with my husband about our marriage last night.

First, I took everyone's advice and cut off communication with my friend so that I could sort out my feelings and really take a close look at the problems with my marriage.

I told my husband that I wasn't happy and that I felt the connection between the two of us no longer existed. He agreed 100% that there is something wrong with our relationship. He said that he loves me and wants to do whatever he can to fix the marriage. The problem is, in my mind I feel like our marriage is already over. While he says he will change, I have doubts - there's not just one thing wrong with the relationship...it's a combination of a lot of different things that have brought us to this point. And, everything that we discussed as being a problem last night, I've talked to him about before and seen no change.

I know I want to give him a chance, but I'm scared that I've already checked out of this marriage in a way. Should we go to counseling? How much more time should I spend working on a marriage that I think is already broken?

--

And yeah I Stereo, Band of Horses is AMAZING!

Sometimes we do need a break. You sound burnt out, perhaps you still love your husband but for the layer of dust that has settled on top of it day after day, you cannot see it. If you can, my advice would be to treat yourself to a vacation with girlfriends... or at least come up with a program for your spare time that involves no man. Indulge in whatever you like and have no time normally and let your feelings rest for awhile. From what I'm reading it sound like you're pushing yourself to feel one way or another, to feel anything. Allow yourself to take a complete break for a few weeks (and I underline "allow").

(As an aside, the 'love of your life' man sounds outright fishy to me. He has 'loved you always' but where has he been? And why did he conveniently formulate this while he was seeing you when visiting another friend? Was he hoping to get some? Would he even stick around if you told him your marriage is over or run away in panic? Not that it matters much, for your marriage is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with first and you are, wisely, trying to focus on just that).

You're right dagmaraka - I am burnt out. On top of all of the issues that I'm dealing with in my marriage, I'm also the Co-Founder and Vice President of my own Internet company. I've been experiencing a lot of stress at work and I think I really do need a break. I also think the business has caused a lot of tension in the marriage. My husband has never supported my decision to quit my "day job" to start my own company and that was very difficult for me to deal with. He's come around (but only after I received a six figure investment in the company).

Thanks for the advice - maybe a girls weekend is exactly what I need!

One thing I have found, that is true for me, but may not be true for others is - those characteristics that I loved about the girls whom I have loved - those things have never changed. Other things though did come between.

You fell in love with your husband for a reason - do they still exhist?

Lastly, I once read (and I'm not saying its right, I'm just repeating it) - Love is an action. Acting out love (bringing him a coffee, massaging the shoulders, leaving a love note - or just a nice one, combing his hair, giving him a hug when he walks in the door, taking him by the hand and showing him something, etc etc etc) can generate love.

Hello. I know you posted this a year ago today, but I just stumbled upon it. I have almost an identical situation to yours. The only differences is that my college love and I did have a sexual relationship back then (though not an "official" relationship) and I am not married. Other than that, exactly the same. Instant connection. Kept in touch via email over the years. Heard what I wanted to hear 12 years later. We live 5 hours away from each other. I've been with my current man for 8 years off and on - also never felt for him the way I did about my college love. Anyway, I broke up with him a few hours ago. I am very scared as I am about to turn my life upside down for the man I believe to be the love of my life. I'm wondering what decision you made and how it turned out for you? I wish you the best and hope you are happy with whatever you've chosen.

Hi bndfhrses,

I can tell you one thing for sure, you do not really know Old Flame! So have a tryst with Old Flame and see if you like him enough.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone, and Old Flame may not be as great as you hope, and your Hubby might be better than you think. Who knows!

Don't worry about people who condemn affairs, in France for instance, having an affair is often quite acceptable, it's our society that tells us having an affair is naughty. There is only one way you are going to be able to know for sure, and that is by comparing the two guys, for real not as a fantasy.

All's fair in love and war!

"In America, a lapse in monogamy ruins marriages, bankrupts couples, and condemns families to divorce-court hell. In Europe and elsewhere, infidelity is considered a bump in the road, if it's considered at all. Here's why."

http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/publish/sex-and-relationships/Why_French_Men_Don_t_Get_Caught.php

OK - LilM -

Finish this!!

You seem to have unfinished business with this first love.

Fantasy or reality?

Only you will know.

But promise you won't run back to your former love if and when you find out that that things didn't work out with your college friend.