Is there such thing as destiny and soulmates?

Destiny,

I am glad you are getting angry about the situation. You have been carrying the crappy end of the stick.

You have given him a choice. He has told you his answer.

Stop talking this to death with him.

Accept that this is NOT going to happen the way you want it.

Once you stop trying to make this work, and accept what is, then you will be able to go on.

You are in denial right now.
It's a hurtful place to be.

As far as he's concerned, this Eternal Triangle is all about him. I remember the First Mr. Noddy being furious that neither the Other Woman nor I were giving due recognition to his pain and suffering.

He's the one who set up the situation for her suffering and my suffering (and unhappy kids because of the poisoned atmosphere) and yet he felt that his misery was more important than anyone else's misery.

I'm against telling his wife. You won't make yourself feel better--all you'll do is spread the misery around a little further.

This man is not going to understand your pain--he's created your pain, because he's greedy and selfish. Your pain is an inconvenience for him.

Jim, you and your wife are really lucky to find each other.

As for finding other men, I doubt I can find another man with such compatibility from all angles as a lifetime partner. Yeah..I can find other man which I could be happy with but not like what I have with him.

And secondly, most man are already taken. There are only many-many men out there who are married and out for flings. Really just too many and I am in an opinion that if I were to ever get married, I really won't mind my husband going out for flings not affairs as long as he does not bring it home and he remembers that I'm the wife.

Montana, thanks for sharing. I don't intent to tell his wife but want him to open up to her and tell her. Let her decide what she wants to do. If she knows about it, then she should talk to him about it.

Yes...I want to start new but it's so difficult at the moment. Many times I just go "crazy" at times. I feel like I'm not in the present time and just like a walking zombie who is just so much in pain in side. I don't think right, I pretend to be normal. It's hard...very hard.

SullyFish, I know I'm in denial right now. Yes, he has told me his answer but he has also been communicating with me. He wants to stay as good friends as we've been for the last 6 years but no longer have a relationship with me. How am I to talk to him as a friend and not feel pain, betrayal, disappointment, bitterness, frustration, depression and also jealousy? I watching and talking to the man I've been with for 6 years with the mindset of him being the one ultimately. I've been very loyal to him in these 6 years from friendship to work to sex.

We work at the same place and used to have breakfast, lunch, dinner and drinks and hangout with the same ppl and places together. How are we to go apart like that?

And Noddy, yes he has already voiced his misery to me many times and he has also acknowledge that he would not be abe to understand my pain but he said he knows and it'll be with him forever.

But telling his wife is something I think he should do to fix himself. He's in alot of confusion as well. Having a relationship for 6 years and always not able to decide then he makes a decision in one nite? Either he was again lying all the way (which he denies) or he just wants to rest after running like this for 6 years.

He's got problems in his work, finances and health. Yeah...he's in alot right now hence he decided to break it off with me. But why me? Why not her unless again all that he's said before to me were lies.

That's exactly what it was Destiny, all lies! That's what these kind of men do. They have the best of both worlds until they're forced to make a choice and that choice is usually the wife.

He used you, lied to you and played you for as long as he could and now that you won't settle for that anymore, suddenly he wants to be friends.

You ask "why her"? Because she's the one he wants to be with.

I thought the man I was involved with felt the same as I did, but it was all lies and I leaned the hard way what it truly felt like to be used. I felt dirty.

The guys is a user and a loser!

Thanks Montana for your respond. Being in denial makes it really hard. In whatever the case, I shouldn't seek to know anymore.

It's a new year Desitiny and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I wish you the very best in your future!

Destiny:

Please help me understand. You said in your initial post:



As to his 'character and behavior' - what is so attractive about a man who would lie & cheat on his wife for 6+ years?

Do you honestly believe that he would be faithful to you if the two of you were married?

Many people long for such clear signs in their relationships.

Are his behaviors exciting to you?

Hello,

I would second baddog1 on this - what is attractive about a man that lies, deceives, cheats and disrespects his wife?

As for wanting to tell his wife - why now? Why not in the previous six years? There's really only one answer to that.

Best wishes.

Hey there...sorry for the late respond. Work has started and I'm just way too tied up.

I can't explain why I find him so attractive but I do. It's hard to keep away from each other especially now that I'm back in the office with him.

As for cheating on his wife...he was trying to leave her to start a life with me but couldn't be sure about how he could do that and if I'd get what I want from him. With the separation and divorce and all...we had talked about it before at the begining of our relationship but overtime...we just got tied up with our work.

Now, we know we can't stay apart and he knows he can't be with me for sure. He's asking me to open up for other opportunities instead of waiting for him. I've seen and know many woman who come out of this then remain single till later part of their lives. I dun wan to be like them. I too wan a life problem is...I only love and wan this man! I've wanted to have children of his from the time I realise I really and truly love this man.

I have so much of mix feelings inside me. Anger, frustration yet I also know and understand where he's coming from. And I know that he's also right yet, emotionally and selfishly I am angry.

Montana is right, I need time but I also need some boundaries to help me get out of this. Such deep pain is felt in my heart...if only someone knows!

I'm glad at least you guys can lend an ear to me. I really have no one to talk about on this. The loneliness and alone feeling is really hard to swallow.

Have you thought about making a list of all the things you want (not just him, I mean like : kids, financial security, how long you can wait, a house, a husband, holidays, committment, moving to a new city, love, respect etc etc), and assessed the likelihood that such things will be met by both, waiting for this man, and this man himself?

Thanks Vikorr for your respond. I have thought about all those things.

Which is why he had come back and told me to move on and not wait because he just can't make a decision.

I am torn too on what and how do I live on.

Perhaps the help and advice I need is how do I move on and live my own again. Giving up all those hopes I had when I met this man.

Honestly...all I ever wanted was to meet this man and build a life with him. Now, I just dunno what to do anymore.

Everyday, I try to live. Try to concentrate on making my work done and making a living but there is so much of emptiness in me that I feel.

Without him, kids...I only wan to have his child...without him, I dun feel the need to have any. Financial security...how much will ever be enough? If we're talking about survival, I believe I can make it. How long can I wait? Until he breaks my heart completely and say never...I still believe we're destined. A house...I can get one but what is the point of having a house on my own? A cold lonely one with just me in it? It's a house...not a home. A husband and commitment...I dun believe in any other man any other man anymore after all the pass relationships. And if this one fails...I dun believe in finding it. I've seen many woman who falls out of such relationships and are single till the end.

At the end of the day..it's how can I live with not what I believe so much and move on? I'm trying...I really am. But I just find it so difficult. 6 years is the longest ever relationship and commitment I've been in. And there's so much of things we've done together which I can bear with but would liek to have more once I can be the one committed to. But I know....I can't have that.

How do I survive this? With all hopes crushed? I live with this question in my mind everyday and nite along with the heartache and pain I feel.

I cry in loneliness with no one to tell me what to do. Everyone thinks I'm strong...but I am not. I'm just human too. I too need love and affection. Why am I not given what most woman have? Why?

If you ever expect to find real happiness, sweetheart, you are going to have to grow up.

There is no such thing as destiny or soulmates. That is just romantic fluff...adolescent daydreams. The truth is, there are only choices. Some are good choices, some aren't.

You are holding on to this relationship emotionally because it is easier than letting it go. If you let it go, you'd have to face the possibility that you'd be alone or have to start all over with someone else. It's easier to convince yourself that this is somehow "right." But it isn't, and deep down you know that.

I'm sorry, but there really is no easy alternative. You're going to have to suck it up and move on. Accept the fact that it wasn't meant to last. If you don't, you'll wind up alone and bitter. (The "poor-me" whining at the end of your post is not exactly helpful, either.)

Be a big girl. Build your own life, don't wait on a man to come along and give you one.

DB--



He's made his choice. He's staying with his wife and leaving you twisting in the breeze.

Eva's comments may sound harsh, but she's speaking good sense. You fell in love with a married man who has decided to stay with his wife.

For years you've scheduled your life around a part-time romance. Now you've got to learn to live without him, starting now.

Destiny,

You asked "How do I survive this? With all hopes crushed? I live with this question in my mind everyday and nite along with the heartache and pain I feel."

You survive one day at a time and as time goes by, the easier it will get. I know this is the only man you want right now and you think you'll never love anyone like you love him, but you're wrong.
Every guy I've ever loved, I thought that was it. There was no way I could ever love another man like that, but guess what? I was sooooo wrong.

To this day I go through this stuff, but I just keep reminding myself that I've had these feelings several times before, which is why I know they'll pass and when they do, the odds are that you'll be asking yourself what you ever saw in him in the first place.

You're going to heal and when you do, you'll meet someone else who will tickle your fancy even more than this guy, trust me.

In the mean time, give yourself time to heal. Focus on pleasing yourself. Pamper yourself and treat yourself to things you enjoy and time will do it's part in healing your broken heart.

Thanks Eva for your responds. I am trying to build my own life but how do I do that?

Yes, I'm afraid of being alone but I'm not making myself believe this is "right". I know it is but it all lies in his hands. And Noddy is right...he did make a choice and it is the easier route.

Montana, you're a real supporter. I know I need time but working around the same office with the same colleagues, partners and customers are making it hard. He still wants to be a close friend to me as we both have gone distant with our friends and he has really no one. I told him, I dun think I can a be friend to him. It will only make it harder for me to move on as that's what he wants me to do.

I wish I could just move to another world or just go away. That would probably help.

Is it possible to find another job? You're right, you can't be just friends with him anymore. If the situation were different, then I'd say you could be friends, but he hurt you and I know it must be torture to be around him.

I quit a very good job once because I was involved with (Mr. Married guy), but I just couldn't work with him anymore. I was young, but I learned a few lessons on that one.
This reminds me so much of the situation I was in and as much as I regret letting go of a great job, I was able to move on without him in my face anymore.

I healed and then I wondered what I ever saw in that jerk. I still wonder what I ever saw in him.

Anyway, I agree that working with him must be hell on the nerves, which is why I think looking for another job may be in your best interest, if it's possible.

Sorry, Noddy is right. What I said was harsh. I just thought you deserved to hear the plain truth. You've been listening to (and telling yourself) so many half-truths.

How do you build your own life? To start with, you give yourself space and time. Montana is right...you need to find another job away from him or this emotional wound will never heal. It'll be like picking at a scab every time you talk to him. Don't put yourself through any more misery than absolutely necessary. Start looking for another job tomorrow.

Time will do more good than anything.

Meanwhile, start focusing on yourself. What do you enjoy doing? (Do more of that!) What people do you know that always make you feel good about yourself? (Spend more time with them!) What have you always wanted to do, but never had the nerve? (Take a deep breath and do it!) Learn to enjoy time alone...it has its advantages, you know!

Eva is right. You'll be doing yourself a world of justice in you could start all over again. New job, new life.

Make an adventure out of it and learn to enjoy being with yourself. I think you would be very surprised to know how comfotable you can be alone. I never thought I could ever enjoy being without a man in my life, but I proved myself wrong and I wouldn't trade this for a selfish man ever again.

I think back to how I felt when I was with the crappy men I was with and all the years of pain I lived with and I don't know how or why I did it.

I suppose if I knew how happy I could actually be without them in my life, I would have high tailed it out of there much faster than I did.
I became their prisoner, which made me a prisoner inside myself for a very long time.

I allowed them to control my feeling and I'm forever grateful to myself for finally putting an end to it.

It hurt like hell at first and even took a few years to bounce back, but I sure do feel great today!

Let me join the chorus: Get a new job and a new life, not one devoted to pampering your former lover.



Boo hoo. He has no friends--only his wife. Boo hoo. He wants you to pick up the slack!

You're a cute one Noddy...

Thank you Montana and Eva for your support. I guess now is the time for me to find myself.

The week had been tough at work and with myself...constantly thinking what is there in life for me. I dunno what interest I have, I've not felt happy for the last 2 months at least.

But I know I need to find ME...hopefully I do. I've never had a real interest in life...unlike many who have something they love to do or wan to do since childhood.