Is there such thing as destiny and soulmates?

Forums: Relationships, Soulmates, Destiny
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Hi there. This is my first time writing into a forum. I do so because I have no one to turn to regarding this.

Almost 7 years ago, I met this guy who is exactly the man I've dreamt of when I was 9 years old. His character and the way he behaves and speaks are exactly the man I've envisioned. As for compatibility...we're also perfect in here. We never get bored of each other, we don't have to make the extra effort to keep the other happy. Everything falls just into place.

Only thing is he's married. We tried to stay as friends but we were not able to resist the attraction between us which was so very strong. We gave in and slept together for the first time 6 years ago. Even sex was really great for both of us. We still tried to stay away and be friends but again failed to stay apart for long.

Over the last 6 years, we've been hanging out together and living as if we're a couple with the exception of being open to others about our relationship. We were doing this while waiting for him to decide how we are to start our life together.

Recently there have been many things happening in his life and he's been falling sick from stomach bacteria, to allergy reactions, to cold and now gastric.

I've never stopped asking him what is his decision on how we are to be together. I finally went for a holiday after so many years of going nowhere but waiting to be with him. When I returned, I requested to speak to him about what's to happen for us? He then suggested that I should be open to possibilities and not continue to wait for him when he would not be able to make a decision on things.

I have a mixture of feelings inside me and I dunno how to cope. I'd like to believe that I can still find love and have a life which most woman look for but I also believe that this man is my soulmate and we're destined to be together. He claims that he believes this too but he has to be responsible for the family he started. What about me?

I've been thru 4 relationships but all the while I knew this is the man I would meet. Somehow I did know this but why did he get married before? He knew and he was told to wait for the right girl which is not his wife but he persisted to go ahead then. Many incidents showed that he should wait but he didn't.

Now, he says he wants a life. He acknowledges that he's been living 2 lives but now he says he's needed at home and he can't continue with me and that it's best that I move on although he doesn't wan me to go. It's not about sex between us. It's the bonding that we have.

I am angry, disappointed, depressed and everything else. But how am I to live again and believe that there is actually love out there and a life for me? I'm 32 now and I have friends saying that woman in their 30's are old. I can feel and see the changes to my looks and body and at this part of the world, 30 is considered old.

I always wanted to find my man, settle down, have a home, have a child and grow this family. For this man, I was totally willing to do what it takes because I trust and believed he is my destined one and we are indeed soulmates.

However, he's trying to decide and also finding it hard to let go.

As for me, I have no more hope to live for. I had a tough life from childhood...big family with me feeling always neglected. As I go to school and college, it's the same. I am never good enough no matter how I try.

In my family, I have the worse looks and teeth and just not the favorite of either my mom or dad or aunt or other sisters itself. I do all sort of housework and extras to get the attention of my family members. But yet, I am never the first they remember.

In school and college, I was always nominated but always never get elected for important roles. Even in terms of education, I study really hard but I'm always the second position...over the years.

In a nutshell, I'm always the first loser for all things that matters to me. I'm tired of living. The only hope I had was this man I met who gave me some light of living. Now...that's probably going too. I'm again the first loser compared to his wife.

How can he be so unfair? His wife comes from a well to do family, many supportive family members and friends, have a son and can live without him. As for me, I have nothing but myself. I've lost most of my friends because I didn't wanna explain myself to them and I've just been hanging about waiting to spend time with him the last 6 years.

I'm not asking him to drop his son and don't care. I am willing to bear the difficulty of rejection from his parents. I am willing to care for his son if his wife do not fight for custody. I'm willing to give everything needed to make this work simply because he's the only hope for life for me.

What is the point of life? Why do we live?

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Well, I personally would not base my life's happiness on a dream I had when I was 9 years old. For a start, I am grown up now. I was a child when I was 9. Also, I do not believe in "destiny" or people being "meant" for each other, for roughly the same reasons that I do not believe in horoscopes, witchcraft or miracles.

This guy has strung you along for years! he had his cake and eaten it, as we say here. he has had two women in his life, a wife to provide him with a family, and also a hidden lover namely you. You have been content to let him take time to "decide". Well, now he has "decided" that he can't decide. In other words he is staying with his wife. (These guys almost always do.) He was happy to keep you on the side and use you for his purposes until you asked too many questions too many times. Now he has told you "no". Watch and see if he finds another woman who had a dream when she was 8 or 9!

Move forward in your life a wiser person. You have much to give. Find someone who deserves it. Your friends who say you are old at 32 are not really friends. You are still young.

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I can only tell you what I believe, but I have spent years on spiritual journeys finding the most simple truths on stuff like this.

Destiny... no way. It doesn't exist. There is no master plan, no "thing" you're supposed to do, be, or want. You create your own reality, period.

One soul mate... again, absolutely no way. We are all individuals who are linked positively by the same soul-energy. To say one man is your soul mate is to say that all people on the planet are your soul mate. We develop personalities that end up being compatible with some and not others, but to assume that someone is your soul mate because they exhibit a high level of compatibility is not logical. There are billions of people in the world, and to assume that one of the few hundred you have met is you MOST compatible match in the world is just not really feasible.

Your personality is earthly. It is a function of your experiences, education, hardships, brain chemistry, influences, and other events that have happened to you since you were born. Your soul is a universal point of energy shared by every single soul in the universe. Relationships involving monogamy, commitment, and love are very social, earthly attributes. You may have lust, love, or desire for this person over and above anyone else you've met, but that doesn't prove that he's a soulmate.

Not to mention, every person changes. You have friends now that you won't have in a year. Relationships change constantly. Friends come and go, but as soon as you add sex and desire into the mix, it becomes a monogamous, commited relationship where one person owns another. Then when you both change (like will happen in any relationship) you feel this socially-based compulsion to "make it work," or "stay commited." Its the root of relationship failure.

Find someone, love him, but don't think that you own him.

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DestinyBeliever- Welcome to A2K!

In the words of Ann Landers, "Wake up and smell the coffee". You have held on to this childish dream of yours for far too long. Your lover, on the other hand, has had the best of all possible worlds. He wants the relationship just the way that it is, and if you stay with him, you will always be "the other woman".

You need to get some time and distance from this man, and try to discover who you are. You don't deserve to be treated as "sloppy seconds". IMO you need to break away, learn to value yourself, and be available so that you can begin a relationship with someone who will be yours alone.

It won't be easy. You may want to consider counselling, so you can learn to understand why you put yourself in a position to be treated so shabbily all these years.

There is someone out there for you, and it is not the man you have been with all these years. In order to be ready for that person, you need to learn to value yourself, so that you will be attractive to a decent person who will treat you well. Good luck!

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Honey, you need a shot of self-esteem. You need to find something you're good at so you can be number one, even if you're the number one window washer or the number one parallel parker.

And you need to find someone who will put you as number one in his life. This guy never did. But someone else will, if you let him.

As for your friends who think 32 years is old, they're the losers here.

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If there is one man out there that is perfect for you there is another one. I am 51 years old and just found my perfect mate ten years ago. He's not perfect, of course, but he's perfect for me. Mostly because he is determined to work on any problem that we encounter.

The most important thing in any relationship in my opinion is, you have to be ok with yourself before you can be ok with anyone else. You have to be able to be survive alone before you can survive with someone else.

Life isn't easy and we all want that perfect someone to love and love us. Don't give up! If I had given up I wouldn't be where I am now. We went through a pretty rough time but we got through it. Each trial you overcome makes you are a stronger person.

Hang in there! Be the best you can be and just watch! My mom told me the minute you stop looking for Mr. Right he just shows up. She was right!

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Destiny,
Girl, you're trying way to hard to prove things to others and you really have to start looking into yourself to find the answers you're looking for.

I seems to me that you think you can find happiness living through others, but you'll never be happy until you find it within yourself.

You've been through a lot and now would be the perfect time for you to take the time to heal. I know that when I'm nursing a broken heart, I need my mourning period. Time has an amazing way of making pain go away.

You lost yourself in this man, as I have with a few of the men in my past and it took a lot of alone time to pull myself back out, but I did it and if I can do it, anyone can.

I'm 44 years old and haven't been with a man in almost 9 years, and even though I get lonely sometimes, I'm content as all hell. I'm not saying to wait 9 years, but to at least take that time you need to heal before you do anything else. It's amazing what time does for us.

If certain people make you feel less of yourself, keep your distance from them. I don't meet up to everyones standards, nor do I have a desire too.

Take this time to start a new. Make plans for yourself and work on pleasing yourself, trying not to think about anyone else, but you. It could be anything like your career, hobbies, etc...
Try new things, buy some new cloths, get a new hair cut and stuff like that.

Pamper yourself whenever you can. Whatever you wish others would do, do those things for yourself.

I buy myself flowers on Valentines Day and a Christmas present every year. Got myself a nice Royal Doulton (limited edition) this year ;-)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that once you find happiness within yourself, you see that it's far more rewarding than trying to find it in others. It's amazing actually!

Good luck to you Destiny!

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Quote:

How can he be so unfair? His wife comes from a well to do family, many supportive family members and friends, have a son and can live without him. As for me, I have nothing but myself. I've lost most of my friends because I didn't wanna explain myself to them and I've just been hanging about waiting to spend time with him the last 6 years.

How can he be so unfair? Because basically, he's a greedy man who puts himself first. Therefore he's unfair to you, to his wife and to his child.

I'm betting the reason this Lothario was able to keep you dancing to his tune was that every so often he'd tell you how wonderful you were and that teeth didn't matter and your family didn't matter and your college activities weren't important and you were the sun and moon and stars in his life.

Thirty-two is not Over The Hill--unless you choose to find the meaning of your life in what some man says to you.

You don't have a choice about being thirty-two years old, but you have a choice about what you do to provide yourself with a happy, independent life.

There will be other men, eventually and at least one of them is going to be free to marry and share the future you'd hoped for.

This married man is lying about being your destined soulmate. Fate doesn't make Ugly Prince Charmings who use women.

Tell Fate to move out of the way because you're going to make your own destiny.

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Hi Noddy,

Sorry to jump in but I was wondering something. Are you a counselor of some sort? You always give the greatest advice.

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AM--

Thanks for the kind words.

I was an English major in college and a teacher ever since.

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DestinyBeliever,

I know the feeling of trying really hard, but still not being satisfied no matter how well you do, and having this affect your outlook on life.

You say you have the worse looks and teeth in your family. If you are not happy with your looks that is something you can change:

Cosmetics
Hair
Wardrobe
Diet
Exercise
Orthodontics
Cosmetic Surgery

Felling good about your looks can really help your self-esteem!

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Destiny,

Gee, you have spend all this time with someone who CAN NOT be there for you. And he is finally telling you this.

Listen to what he is saying. HE CAN NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO BE. HE HAS MADE HIS CHOICE. AND IT IS NOT YOU.

Now have a really big cry about this . . . . and then turn inward for some long overdue self evaluation ---because you are very "other-focused" i.e. caring more about other people's thoughts and feelings than your own.(your family's, and your loves)

When you get to the point where you feel better about yourself, then you will have the strength do really leave this relationship behind.

And . . . 30 is old??? No Way!

(When you hit 40 you are going to be very angry at yourself for all the time you wasted on this guy. Believe me, that's when the real introspection takes place . . . )

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Wow! Thank you all for your advice. I really needed ppl who have been out there to to hear me out and to give me that little bit of push to move on.

All of you have given me great pointers and advice. I will definitely take all of this in mind and keep myself focused on the one most important person at this point...ME.

Thanks again and you ppl are really great. I was afraid at first to post this initially but now I know you're really there to help.

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That's what I like to hear, young lady ;-)

You go girl!!! :-D

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Been going thru alot of pain and tears for the last one month already.

Finding it very difficult to live and stay focused on my life. My emotions fluctuates from being really down to the extend of not wanting to live to being really angry with the world and just being destructive to keeping myself occupied with things that I really dun feel matters but pretend it does.

I've told him recently that I want him to divorce his wife. Said before that he can't decide who and till today he can't. If he was asked to choose to safe one in a life threatening situation, he wouldn't know who to safe. Either one there would be a lost he says. There were instances where he said maybe not safe anyone. Also, when he said we should stop our relationship he said he needed time for himself. So...I told him, break up with me and divorce your wife. This way, you kept to your word of not being able to choose (I've been doubting him since this started) and you also get what you wanted...time for yourself.

If he claims that he never lied to me at all from day one. He should do this. Else, everything was really a lie like what you guys says. He was only out for free rides! Mind you, we have sex an average of 4 times a week for the first 1 and half years and at least 2 times a week for the subsequent years.

I also believe his wife has the right to know about this 6 years affair. It was not any fling. It was real...at least that's what he says now.

He tells me he is in pain but he will never understand the pain, disappointment, bitterness that is in me.

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Understood. But consider his wife's feelings, even a little bit.

You are hurt and you are in pain. And he's been a jerk, to say the least. But where is she in all this? She's kinda an innocent bystander.

I'm of mixed feelings when it comes to telling the cuckholded spouse. Sometimes I think it's good to tell them and give them the truth their spouse could not tell them. Other times, I think it's not meant for any reason other than to pass pain over to someone who is essentially innocent in the whole mess and who may very well know anyway.

I'm thinking the latter is the case here. Other than getting back at him, what is the purpose of telling his wife? Perhaps that particular sleeping dog should be allowed to continue to just lay there.

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If I were in her shoes, I'd like to know then decide what I want for my life then. I still have a choice.

That's my opinion not from my current stand point but as a wife. I can still choose to stay with my husband and get it thru but I must know. It's the last 6 years....I must know as a wife. Let me decide my choice of life.

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DestinyBeliever, you're not an impartial third party. You very much hope that your paramour will get a divorce. Telling his wife about the infidelity may make that happen. Therefore I think you should cool it. I don't think you can make this decision impartially, and I think purposely throwing a firebomb into their family and hoping you come out ahead is unethical.

I'm not clear though if you're saying that you're thinking of telling her yourself, or if it's just that you think your paramour should tell her.

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DB - I'm a 51 year old man. Been married to my wife for 28 years. I love her dearly and would never leave her....

BUT - it's just a fluke chance that we ever met. I don't believe for a second that it was destiny that we met and married. I've also met several other ladies over the years I'm sure I could be perfectly happy with, but I am never going to take the first step down that path.

I am also positive you could find several other men you could be perfectly happy with, and here's the important point, other men who wouldn't expect you to share them with other women. Men who would care enough for you to be faithful to you.

Now go find one of them.

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DestinyBeliever wrote:

If I were in her shoes, I'd like to know then decide what I want for my life then. I still have a choice.

That's my opinion not from my current stand point but as a wife. I can still choose to stay with my husband and get it thru but I must know. It's the last 6 years....I must know as a wife. Let me decide my choice of life.

I hear ya Destiny, but I honestly think that you would end up feeling guilty about telling his wife.

I know you're hurting terribly, but if you really think about it, you'll understand that his wife is even more of a victim than you are and as much as I think she has the right to know, you would only be hurting someone else.

I think you mentioned he had children as well, so ultimately, if you tell her, the kids are the ones who will hurt the most.

I've been there Destiny and I also wanted to tell the wife, but I didn't. I'm very happy that I didn't because I realized that it would have doubled the guilt I was already living with and caused pain to innocent people. Kinda kicking myself while I was already down.

Believe me, I know how angry and hurt you are, but you'll be happier in the long run if you wipe your hands of him and just start all over again.

If he's been having an affair with you for 6 years, I'd be willing to bet that she already knows anyway.

It's a new year Destiny and it would be a good time for you to focus on starting a new.

Good luck to you.

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Is there such thing as destiny and soulmates?

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