Major family feud

Re: a roof over your head

alex240101 wrote:

Dant. This is a difficult situation. Life isn't easy. You should be so lucky to just have this negative matter happening. It could be worse. From what you wrote, you have been doing the right thing. Yes, blood is thicker than water, but your brother, is definitely having his judgement clouded. Whether greed, or his wife is playing a role, it still falls in his lap. Money, money, money. If you missed the Christmas call, you still have New Years. Life is too short.

If it's one thing I've learned it's that life certainly isn't easy. Mine has been especially difficult health wise in the past year (I talked about it in prior posts here so won't go over it again). I count my blessings daily, and yes, it could be worse....it could also be better.

I've given brother opportunities to communicate with me but he does not want to. Neither does he want to talk to his only niece. He has no excuse to offer for his behavior, no face-saving for him. He is too stubborn to even admit that he did wrong.

The thing that makes it hard to completely let go is that it's my only sibling. If it were a friend or other relative I think it would be easier. He's the only person on earth who remembers mom and dad way back when. I don't have a history with anyone else quite as long as I do with him, but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be a part of my life. That hurts, that I have reached out and gotten slapped and he's the wrong-doer.

It's not about money; it never was. It's about abuse of trust.

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Exactly.

If he wants no part of you.....

You seem like a person with the vision to understand and move to a better place for you.

You are under no obligation to continue injuring yourself with contact.

You can walk off on the high road, and he "has your number".

(he will call, if his cookie crumbles) answering will be your decision.

RH

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ossobuco wrote:

Interesting - an article on this with pros and cons, from the LA Times...

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-forgiveness31dec31,0,6183809,full.story?coll=la-home-middleright

Interesting article. Thank you, ossobuco. What I gather from reading it (among other things) is that you really deep-down have to forgive - rather than 'fake forgiveness'. You can't fool your brain. Mine keeps replaying the incident at fast forward speed. Not constantly & I'm not always aware of what's bothering me, it's kind of like having an itch or a burr somewhere that keeps irritating. I've ranted to my brother, I've written him a letter; but he wants ME to apologize for what I said! I can't wrap my mind around this type of thinking.

I will read the forgiveness article again.......... Confused

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I can. Wrap my mind around that type of thinking, that is. I'm not saying that I think he did anything honorable, but I can understand why he doesn't see where he did anything wrong and that you overreacted.

What did he do, exactly? What damage was done other than a potential financial burden to your mother which he said he would repay? He certainly went against your wishes. He certainly didn't keep his word to you, but what real harm was done? I reread your initial post and other than not getting her proper dental care, I don't see anything that was really a detriment to her.

Your brother is a slug -- no doubt about it. But considering the amount of hard feelings that you harbor against him because of what was potentially a problem that never came to pass (I didn't see anything that indicated your mother actually suffered a financial hardship from his actions), I think it is in your best interest to accept him for the slug he is and let go of the anger. And yes, I mean really let go of it.

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Hi JPB,

It is difficult to put into words everything that happened.
But I'll try to be succinct.

My brother misused my mother's money. It was to be kept for her, to care for her over and above what Medicare didn't cover. And they don't cover much.

Lack of dental care is not as unimportant as you may think. Rotten and abscessed teeth can and do cause a variety of ailments, including heart disease, stroke, etc. The connection is not disputable. Mom had countless mini strokes and infections caused by her teeth. Numerous calls to my brother did nothing. He was too 'busy' to be bothered. That's one thing.

Another is that when I saw her in 2005, she had an open, infected sore on her foot from her foot getting caught in the wheelchair front wheels that the nursing home provided for her. I talked to the social service dept. at the nursing home (my brother could have done this if he had cared for mom at all....) and found out about getting her a new, custom made chair so this problem wouldn't happen anymore. Know what? I had to fight my dear brother to get him to release monies from HER checking account for the chair. He didn't see the need for this expense. I had social services on my side too.

A slug, you call him? I can think of other adjectives.

My mother would have lived longer had she had proper care, which the money in this account was for. It wasn't for him to buy a motorcycle, or new appliances.

I'm sorry if you don't see anything wrong with anyone, family or not, lying to me about their intentions with someone else's money. He had ample opportunities to discuss withdrawing monies from her account with me, but he did not. I call that underhanded and despicable. Mom's care was compromised by his selfishness. He never intended to pay back a dime, and he hasn't. I don't expect him to.

The burden was not financial for mom. The theft of her funds for HER care is the issue because it ultimately resulted in her getting poor quality care, when the money was there to make her life better or at least comfortable. I don't know what experience you have with nursing homes, but they aren't the Hilton.

And I'm not angry with him anymore, as I've said. I'm disappointed and ashamed that he's related to me, and I'm glad my mom & dad never knew what a base creature he is.

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Good -- now try to write the same post from your brother's perspective. This has nothing to do with me and what I think could or should have been done. You said your brother wants you to apologize to him for the things you said. What would his post look like?

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I can't even imagine. My brain doesn't work that way! But I'll try:

Let's see...........

Dear sister,

I expect an apology from you for not understanding my need for materialistic things over mom's medical care. After all, I think I deserved to have a new motorcycle, and my wife wanted a new subzero refer and other high end appliances. Mom was old and didn't need the money. Why spend money on her? She didn't care if her teeth were rotten. You should also understand that I didn't REALLY mean that you could trust me with the money when you handed it over. I had plans for it that you didn't need to know about or mom either. I felt I was entitled to use whatever amount I wanted. Trust and giving your word means nothing to me, but satisfying my whims means a great deal. I like to live above my means. It's my right. And my parents have an obligation to indulge me. If they don't, then I will help myself.

Rolling Eyes

I tried.......

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I didn't get that from that article, Dant. Keep reading.

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nope, that's your perspective on what your brother was thinking. Try to imagine what his thoughts were.

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His thoughts were to sneakingly steal what he could before I caught him.

I know you mean well, JPB, and this is a good exercise. I appreciate your trying to help. I really did try to get inside his head, but since he's never given me the opportunity to know him it's not easy, anymore than it would be for him to imagine why I am finished with him. Why doesn't he try to understand why I didn't like what he did? After all, he did the deed so he owes me an explanation. If I don't get one, well, whatever. His loss.

I know that this guy doesn't deny himself much. He lives way over what his income allows and has been to financial counselors for debt consolidation - to no avail - way before mom's money became 'available'. He just saw a way to get more toys, and I can't rationalize it at all. Not over his own mother's health.

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ossobuco wrote:

I didn't get that from that article, Dant. Keep reading.

But ossobuco, the article says it's ok not to forgive - an excerpt from that LA Times article:

"The whole Christian, 12-step mentality has permeated our culture, and the emphasis on forgiveness is part of that," says Jeanne Safer, a New York psychoanalyst and author of "Must We Forgive?" "For many patients, forgiveness is a double-whammy: First someone screws you, and then it's your fault you don't want to embrace them in heaven. I'm not against forgiveness; I'm against compulsory forgiveness with no choice. And I'm against 'forgiveness lite,' which keeps you from feeling the intensity of the experience, from deeply grappling with what's been done to you."

I'm not angry with him anymore but I also cannot forgive him for lying, stealing and generally being a jerk. I think anger and forgiveness are two separate things. It's like a cheating spouse - can you ever really trust them again? These things permanently damage a relationship, methinks.

The ball is in his park.

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[quote="dant"]The ball is in his park.[/quote]

Just read this whole post and I can one hundred percent see your point.

But the ball is NOT in his park, it is in yours.
It is lying there and bothering the hell out of you!

So you either play it back to him and give him a (fair) chance to explain things to you and open a door for him (might have to be a big door to fit his big ego) or you bury it once and for all!

But it is YOUR ball, since your brother does not seem to be having such a big problem.

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Right, and this is what convinces me that you aren't done with him even though you say you are.

dant wrote:

I've given brother opportunities to communicate with me but he does not want to. Neither does he want to talk to his only niece. He has no excuse to offer for his behavior, no face-saving for him. He is too stubborn to even admit that he did wrong.

The thing that makes it hard to completely let go is that it's my only sibling. If it were a friend or other relative I think it would be easier. He's the only person on earth who remembers mom and dad way back when. I don't have a history with anyone else quite as long as I do with him, but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be a part of my life. That hurts, that I have reached out and gotten slapped and he's the wrong-doer.

It's not about money; it never was. It's about abuse of trust.

And I understand completely about the links to the past. That's what I was saying earlier in this thread. There is a TON of crap under my family's bridge and it was only when it was just us kids left that we worked through it. There are two sides to every story and reality is usually someplace in the middle. He's done some things he shouldn't have done. I'm guessing you've said some things you shouldn't have said. None of those things can be undone or unsaid, but they can become part of the past and there can be a future.

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Dant, that was my point..

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Dant wrote:

I'm not angry with him anymore but I also cannot forgive him for lying, stealing and generally being a jerk. I think anger and forgiveness are two separate things. It's like a cheating spouse - can you ever really trust them again? These things permanently damage a relationship, methinks.

My point was that with forgiveness, you are not spending your time eating your heart out over that jerk. That does not mean that what he did was ok, or that you even have to have a relationship with him.

Personally, if he were my brother, I would not have anything much to do with him anymore. I just would not aggravate myself about what he did, and put that incident in the past.

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I can't have what the shrinks call 'closure' if brother won't talk to me.

It's hard to believe that we were ever womb-mates. He has no interest in any of the family, not just me.

And that is why I say the ball is in his park. I live geographically too far away to just pop over for a visit. I have tried emailing to no avail. He ignores them.

Luckily my husband has a close family and they've adopted me, so to speak. So I have two 'brothers' and a 'sister' and two wonderful sister-in-law, who are closer to me that my own flesh and blood ever was. Life is strange isn't it?

And thanks, Phoenix, for your comments. I really am not eating my heart out about him. Life is too short. I guess because of the major surgery I had a couple of years ago I started thinking about mortality, life, etc - all that stuff - and trying to figure out who/what is important and who isn't.

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ossobuco wrote:

Dant, that was my point..

Oh....sorry....I'm a bit dense sometimes! Confused

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JPB wrote:

Right, and this is what convinces me that you aren't done with him even though you say you are.

dant wrote:
I've given brother opportunities to communicate with me but he does not want to. Neither does he want to talk to his only niece. He has no excuse to offer for his behavior, no face-saving for him. He is too stubborn to even admit that he did wrong.

The thing that makes it hard to completely let go is that it's my only sibling. If it were a friend or other relative I think it would be easier. He's the only person on earth who remembers mom and dad way back when. I don't have a history with anyone else quite as long as I do with him, but he has made it clear he doesn't want to be a part of my life. That hurts, that I have reached out and gotten slapped and he's the wrong-doer.

It's not about money; it never was. It's about abuse of trust.

And I understand completely about the links to the past. That's what I was saying earlier in this thread. There is a TON of crap under my family's bridge and it was only when it was just us kids left that we worked through it. There are two sides to every story and reality is usually someplace in the middle. He's done some things he shouldn't have done. I'm guessing you've said some things you shouldn't have said. None of those things can be undone or unsaid, but they can become part of the past and there can be a future.

But JPB, you say here that 'us kids worked through it'. That implies a desire you and your siblings had to work things out. My bother doesn't want to. He won't even contact me to see how I was after major surgery. What kind of brother is that? Yes, there are two sides to every story. I said things that should have been said a long time ago; he can't handle truth too well, being a spoiled brat all his life. He's said hurtful things to me many times in the past but I let them go. This time he got it back full force and mommy wasn't there to smooth things out for him. I've kept a copy of the letter I wrote him and in reading it again, there isn't one thing I would rewrite or remove. I'm afraid it's a standoff. And that's ok.

BTW I'm glad you worked things out in your family! That's wonderful when all sides want a solution. Was it a process that took years? Did one of you initiate it?

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dant wrote:

ossobuco wrote:
Dant, that was my point..

Oh....sorry....I'm a bit dense sometimes!

Join the club Laughing

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Thanks, Montana! I don't think you qualify, though! :wink:

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