Major family feud

I've been reading what others have said and I do agree with the thought that just because you are family you don't have to be friends in a sense. It did sound to me though as if you wanted to include him as family and to mend things (I certainly could be wrong) and that is why I suggested you need to decide which way to go - either write him off or forgive him.

I also I have a different belief on forgiving. Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean you agree with what some one has done or it is o-k, simply that you let you go, don't bring it up any longer and go on. You don't even have to "mend fences" and become "friends" to forgive - you simply let it go (not that it is easy and not that you have to forget and trust this person).

I can think of a situation where a friend went berserk on me. I won't go over the details, but it did involve something where I could have charged her with an assault. I decided to "forgive" this person, but also decided to no longer be a friend as this person does not share the same values as me.

I agree with those who say you have to find a way to forgive - not for him, but so that YOU can move on.

I disagree with those who say "write him off" as if he's a tax deduction. You don't have to do anything drastic like mentally and emotionally disclaim him as a relative, as some seem to be suggesting. there's no point in that. You don't have to trust him, you don't have to initiate communication with him - you really don't have to do anything as far as he is concerned but forgive him. And as I said, that is for your sake, not his.

"Forgiving" doesn't mean "The bad things never happened and we're starting with a blank slate."

"Forgiving means that you've come to terms with his essense and his actions--and more importantly with your feelings--and you're moving on with your life.

Are your emotions over his mishandling of your mother's estate at all entangled with emotions about favoritism by your mother when she was alive?

Such good advice here from all of you! Thank you.

It is difficult to put the dynamics of years of a relationship into a few paragraphs, as I'm sure you're aware of.

Mom didn't exactly favor him over me, but she (and my dad) did let him have liberties that I didn't get when I was growing up. Maybe because during that era boys were expected to sow their wild oats while the girl children (me) were kept under close supervision. No dating for me unless it was double date, but he and his (now) wife got a hotel room to themselves when they were dating, while we were on a family vacation. That would never have happened with me! Another example- I got the family car to get myself to a fulltime job when I was 18. My parents co-signed for brother to have a car. A nice Corvette! I don't think this is about resentment over favoritism because my parents did a lot for me too in different ways. But maybe it is a bit of that.....I will have to dig deep here.

I've never sat down and really thought about what type of person my brother is before and it's interesting what's coming up.

I recall that the night my dad died, about 19 years ago - I phoned and asked brother to come to the hospital ASAP. He didn't show up at all, but left me with my distraught mom who was about to have a stroke, her BP was so high, and a hysterical daughter in her preteens to deal with alone. I also got to do all the funeral arrangements. I don't remember resenting him then, but it must have been building.

He is selfish, spoiled, & disconnected from the entire family. He is an angry person, which my husband pointed out to me years ago. I never realized how angry. He also has zilch class.

Example: we had a really small luncheon after my mom's 'funeral'. A friend suggested we go somewhere instead of just going home (again, I was post brain surgery and didn't think of it ). When the bill came it sat in front of my friend who had suggested the lunch, and my brother. I didn't know what to do, it was getting embarrassing. My friend offered to pay. My brother looked at the friend at said something like 'if you intended to pay it wouldn't be sitting there'. I was aghast. It wasn't my friend's obligation! My brother should have kept his big mouth shut, but he made an embarrassing situation worse. Mr. Cheap should have suggested the lunch in the first place, knowing I was pretty out of it.

Someone here said to distance myself, and repeat "He is not my relative'. (Mame?) Good advice. My dad would have been appalled at my brother's attitude. One thing dad wasn't was cheap.

Thanks for the thought provoking posts from all of you, I appreciate each and every one. I am working on letting the relationship go. I will keep in touch with my nephews, who had nothing to do with this. I consider this whole thing my brother's loss, not mine.

His being related to you is absolutely no reflection on you. You certainly have nothing to be ashamed of. There is a good reason to forgive him, (remember, forgive means letting it go, not condoning what he did). Anger and resentment poisons and festers within the one who holds on to that hostility.

And if it helps go ahead and vent here - sometimes just knowing that others are listening and sympathizing helps - at least I know it has helped me.

Thanks, Linkat. A lot of the posts made me think about things I hadn't thought of before. It's good to get an unbiased opinion sometimes.

I hope someday the hurt goes away, or at least lessens. It's not like I have spare siblings to go around. He's it. Maybe he'll go for counseling. But I kinda doubt that!

It's amazing how many other people have had this situation with family members. So if you can't trust family, who CAN you trust?

Most of my "family" I've met as I've gone along......

RH

Ain't that the truth!

Although there is some appeal in those big old huge southern family reunions.

If they're still happening!

The business about having to forgive annoys me. I'll cheerfully agree with the need to stop with the anger and let go. Actively giving some balm of forgiveness seems overboard to me, especially since the fellow is not sorry.

Move on, care about your mother in memory, as you can over time, and maybe have room for brother within that.

Friends.

Isn't it odd that in the 60's people complained about unhappy childhoods and ow in the 00's, people complain that their adult siblings are Not Nice People?

I agree with you. I think it's asking too much of human nature to totally forgive. One can let go of anger while still not forgiving.

It's my prior religious upbringing 'forgive those who trespass against us...' interferring with reality. I don't believe that anyone can REALLY totally unconditionally forgive someone. I believe there is always some resentment and reservation left. Can anyone honestly say they have completely forgiven someone for a despicable thing done to them?

Well, I misspoke with the word annoys, in that people posting that don't annoy me, in fact I like all of them, but the idea that one should forgive in a situation like this is kind of a burr for me. I do suppose that as part of letting go of anger and moving on, one can understand how the person came to do whatever it was in a given instance, step in their shoes for a minute. Still, I don't think it's imperative to forgive. I think the imperative is not let your new understanding of the person be corrosive to your peace. As the anger abates, you may have more room in your makeup to accommodate that brother is weak.

"Forgive" does not mean abandoning common sense.

"Forgive" means that you have come to terms with an unhappy situation and refuse to spend more time on it.

It does not necessarily mean further involvement with the person who caused the unhappy situation.

I think we agree noddy but are each comfortable or uncomfortable with the use of a word, "forgive". The active word "forgive" has always meant more to me than moving on, but I'd have to think a bit to explain what I mean. I was close to it, I think, when I said I saw it as a kind of balm, and I think of it as a positive "action" to the person, even if that action takes place in one's own mind/heart.

a roof over your head
Dant. This is a difficult situation. Life isn't easy. You should be so lucky to just have this negative matter happening. It could be worse. From what you wrote, you have been doing the right thing. Yes, blood is thicker than water, but your brother, is definitely having his judgement clouded. Whether greed, or his wife is playing a role, it still falls in his lap. Money, money, money. If you missed the Christmas call, you still have New Years. Life is too short.

Interesting - an article on this with pros and cons, from the LA Times...

http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-forgiveness31dec31,0,6183809,full.story?coll=la-home-middleright

Osso--

Interesting article.

Of course "forgiveness" means not bad-mouthing the dirty, rotten SOB either to his face or behind his back.

I am thoroughly convinced that siblings have more impact on each other than the parents have on their own kids.

I have seen large families where one sibling terrorized, even abused, or negatively emotionally "mothered" the other children or "been like a Dad to" younger siblings, and, years later, the adult kids can NOT get out of reacting to that or out of those roles.

I am amazed at my 60 year-old girlfriends when they get around their older sisters!

I think a major job of parents is to not let this happen. Family dynamics didn't always permit that, especially in large families.