Should Potential M-I-L Step In?

Let's see...

Mame wrote:

1. Why am I really doing this (or wanting to)?

Because my stepson says he's ready to settle down and build a life with someone. He's almost 40 and seems to want more than bouncing around from one woman to the next. And I would hate for his ex-girlfriend, in her mid-30's, to waste any more time, biologically speaking, if she really doesn't feel that he's the one.

Mame wrote:

2. Who's going to benefit, if anyone?

Both of them, hopefully. Whether they decide to be together or stay apart.

Mame wrote:

3. Is it really "necessary"?

An objective voice is often necessary in messy situations when the parties involved can't see things clearly any longer.

Mame wrote:

4. What will happen if I don't interfere?

Well, my fear is that they will continue to waste each others' time, wake up ten years from now still rutting around in each others' life, not committed to each other but not able to commit to anyone else, full of anger and disappointment and wondering where the years went.

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i know that you feel like it might help... and might speed up the results of the situation... but everytime my m-i-l has ever tried to "fix" a situation of mine... i have been very resentful and upset that she couldnt mind her own business and let me deal with my problems the way that i see fit, rather than from her point of view and "her way of having things"- i feel like im an adult, i can make the same decision or rational as her.

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Sounds like your m-i-l interferes often. That's the difference. I don't.

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I still think this is really the key

eoe wrote:

their lives

~~~

I don't think it matters what you can stand to watch.

Seriously.

~~~

Has The Chosen One approached you to discuss her relationship with your stepson? If she'd called you recently about it, I'd still recommend caution, but without her express interest in your input ... back away.

~~~

Really - you said it best with "their lives".

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Oh, and if they did get back together, I'd be in there telling them to wait two to three years before considering having any children together.

AND if they did get married, and I'd already put in my 2 Cents

, I'd be suggesting that they attend counselling during those early years.

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eoe, I'm a bit out of my area, but I think from reading, I have a grasp.

If you are not asked into the mix, you kinda have to play your part as written, and be rooting for the right ending...

RH

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yeah yeah yeah

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Poor eoe

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My son and his girlfriend are planning on getting married in the summer and as much as I want to climb the highest hilltop and scream "you're not ready"! I can't.
My son is only 20 and I don't think he's mature or responsible enough, but I will not interfere! As much as I want to interfere, I promised myself I would never do that.

I will love him and support his choices, then I'll go off somewhere to bite my tongue Laughing

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Not me. I'd be on that hilltop. Screaming.

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I figured as much Laughing

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eoe wrote:

Please.
Out of my husbands' three kids, the oldest is the only straight one. I've told the other two that being gay does not let them off the hook either, though. Lots and lots of gay people are adopting now and I just heard a few months back that a friend of mine in NYC, gay, had a biological child with a lesbian couple so, it's open season. There's all kinds of ways to satisfy potential grandmas and grandpas.

I wasn't implying that he's gay, but it sounds like preying upon insecurities won't work.

Maybe inviting her to dinner some night and then bringing up fertility problems in women over 35?

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I wouldn't do that Shocked

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DrewDad, i certainly got the joke and it would have been funnier if there wasn't so much irony in it, which of course you were unaware of.

It sounds crass but, that's one of the things I'd like to talk to her about. I am sensitive about that kind of thing because it happened to me. I wasted my twenties and thirties on going-nowhere relationships and by the time I met my husband, I was almost 40, he was almost 50 and I realized that having a baby at that late date was senseless. And I've always regretted wasting those years, trying to fix those unfixable relationships. If I had cut my losses sooner and moved on, who knows? But remaining tethered to a screwed up situation while the years roll by is foolish and wasteful. Life is waaaay too short.

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If you guys have a friendly relationship I think you can certainly do that. Not in a "so, what's you're response, are you gonna get back together with my stepson??" kind of way, but in a "Forgive me for this unsolicited advice, but it's been on my mind a lot lately, so if you would be so kind as to just let me say my piece and then be on my way I'd really appreciate it." Might start a good conversation -- but just as a couple of women discussing some stuff, no pressure.

I think you can be very frank with your stepson too, but again just in a sharing a piece of your mind sort of way. I don't think you have to be as apologetic about this one though, you're his stepmom, you're entitled.

Really it sounds like the best outcome is for them to realize that they are NOT right for each other and well and truly move on, hopefully to people who ARE right for each of them, respectively.

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Sad as it may be, it's their lives.

I know I'm in the opposite of your situation (I worry about my son having children too young), but I feel strongly enough about it that I can relate to what your feeling. I have to keep reminding myself that my son is an adult now and I have to let him find his own way. My job is done!

This isn't easy, by any means! I struggle with it every day, as other mothers/fathers do. We want to make sure our kids don't make the same mistakes we made, so we work hard to mold them into as good of human beings as we can, but then comes the time when we need to set them free to learn life on there own.

My son, like so many kids, don't listen much to their parents after a certain age, when they've gathered some independence and I hardly expect that he'd start listening now.

((((((((eoe)))))))))

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no matter your good loving intentions... insinuating yourself into someones else's affairs of the heart or relationships is a horrible error that only leads to negative consequences IMO.

People ultimately take sides, people are hurt or angered, no one except the principals ever really know what's going on... and they end up doing as they damn well please anyway.

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Much wisdom in M's post. Do you really want a grandchild, or an accessory?

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I don't know Montana. Is your son independent? Working? Living on his own?

I wouldn't insinuate myself, Bear. All I'd like to do is open both of their eyes to a few things, drop a little advice on them both and then, whatever they decide to do is on them because, after all, they are adults.

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Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

no matter your good loving intentions... insinuating yourself into someones else's affairs of the heart or relationships is a horrible error that only leads to negative consequences IMO.

People ultimately take sides, people are hurt or angered, no one except the principals ever really know what's going on... and they end up doing as they damn well please anyway.

Agreed!

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Should Potential M-I-L Step In?

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