Should Potential M-I-L Step In?

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Okay. First, I will admit my selfishness right upfront. I want grandchildren. Everyone who knows me knows that. Including you all. So I am perfectly prepared to have that thrown in my face.

Here's the deal. My oldest stepson, 37 years old, has been caught up in a messy situation for a few years now with a woman that he desperately loves. She's 34 or 35 years old, smart, gorgeous, spoiled. They were together for about 2 years and talked of marriage but they both made missteps, couldn't get back on track and officially broke up about two years ago. Now they continue to sniff around one another off and on, making booty calls and such, and as a result, he hasn't been in a serious relationship since. He talks about her to us often. He can't shake his feelings for her, even when he's pissed off and badmouthing her, and it appears to be mutual. According to him, she calls him just as often as he calls her.

She and I are very cool. I like her alot, we got along very well and it was clear that she looked up to me. I thought she'd make a fine D-I-L and had my fingers crossed for them but it was best for them to split when they did. They weren't happy and above everything else, they both deserve to be happy, either together or apart. But the last two years it's been as if they can't be together and yet, they can't stay away from each other either and move on with their lives.

He's ready to settle down and get married but, according to him, she's indecisive and still playing games.

I want to call her. I'm aching to call her. I want to know what's going on from her end (there's always two sides) hear her side and advise her, if need be, exactly how I advised him. Either get back together, commit and get married or leave each other the hell alone and give each other the chance to move on.

I think she's afraid. He's got issues, that's for damn sure and she has a right to be afraid but again, after all these years, it's ****-or-get-off-the-pot time. For his sake and hers too. If she can't deal with his issues, she needs to shake this man once and for all and free herself up emotionally for someone else. And let him do the same.

Should I make the call? Or should I stay the hell out of it? My stepson would probably welcome it (although I would never tell him and would make her swear not to as well) but overall, would it be the most stupid and foolish thing that I could do? These are grown people after all. Rolling Eyes

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If your motivation is to get grandchildren then I would say no. If they should get back together I don't think that babies are a good idea in this relationship. If they don't get back together then what? Do you think he'll find someone else and start thinking in terms of marriage and babies right away?

If you motivation is to help your son extricate himself from this relationship for his own sake then I would still say no unless he specifically asked for your involvement. Doing it without his knowledge and thinking/hoping it wouldn't blow up in your face is a big risk.

Are there other stepsons coming up the line that have fewer issues, stronger relationships, and greater parenting potential?

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I would ask step-son, then make the call. Not the other way around.

Sometimes an observer is needed to point out the obvious. They will either welcome it or be mad as all get out for your intruding. If you are willing to accept either result, give her a call.

I advise this only cause I know you are reasonable. Wouldn't do so if I thought your medling would be earth shattering to anyone involved.

(Okay, really, I just need baby pics to ooh and awe over since Bella isn't cooperating and Mame is keeping hers all to herself.)

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No, I don't think you should call her. Whatever they do, there's no guarantee they're going to have children. If they do have kids and they split up, they'll likely go with her and who knows where she'll wind up living and you'll really miss those kiddies.

It's also not your business (sorry to say that) and it's messy to interfere with her unless she's asked you to... plus, you know what happens with secrets - they usually boomerang right back to you.

They should go to therapy or marriage counselling if they're thinking of getting back together. Their relationship sounds really disfunctional. Not a great place to be planning a family from.

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NO! Absolutely not.

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A buttinsky mother-in-law is bad news. Here the couple aren't even married, and you are proposing to stick your nose in where it does not belong. I say butt out.

It is understandable that you want grandkids. I would suspect that you would not want them at the expense of your stepson's happiness. You need to let the two people involved work things out or not, on their own time table.

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Eoe--

I'm with Squinney--get authorization from your step son and then, if he agrees, call her and set up a Ladies' Lunch.

Swearing her to secrecy would backfire. Either she'll get angry and spit it out or she'll get lovey-dovey and coo in his ear. Besides, this pair has enough baggage without throwing in a few secrets.

Sure you want grandchildren. (Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.) I suspect that as important as those unborn grandbabies are to you, you're even more fed up with the Romantic Muddle that those two are bogged down in.

The role of Go Between has a long and honorable history--provided that the Go Between has some sort of authorization.

By the by, sitting with aching arms waiting for grandchildren is socially acceptable. Quiet fertility chants are acceptable. Praying to the Goddess--or God--is acceptable. Hiding her pills or punching holes in his condoms is not.

Good luck.

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I gotta go with cj on this one. There is no way, I believe, that you can get deeply into this and come out of it well. And, more importantly, I think it would nail the coffin lid on any future they'd have.

I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to be either party in a fight where someone yelled, "We're only together because of your stepmother!"

In any event, rather than a ladies' lunch, the only thing I can see doing is, with your stepson's blessing (so ask him first!), asking her over for a totally noncomittal family thing. As in, "Stacey (or whatever her name is), we're having a little winter party on the 10th of January and you're invited." Period, end of story. No heavy expectations. No invitation overly fraught with meaning. No actual holiday dates like Xmas or its Eve, or New Years' or its Eve. Just a get-together, and even better if others are invited. Then, if she comes, greet her, make small talk, say good-night when the time comes but otherwise let it go. Either she'll want to be a part of that scene, or not, and you cannot change that. All I'm suggesting here is, rather than getting too buttinsky about it, just to be warm and welcoming in case there are any questions about that. But to let it go if it turns out that that's not the issue.

I'm sure it's maddening to see couples do such things. But they have to be able to stumble around by themselves. Much as you'd like to steer them one way or the other, you can't. Or at the very least, you shouldn't.

Kindness is fine. Kindness is nice. It's a party season anyway. But that should be the end of it and no further. If they are going to actually be a couple and stop acting this way, then they will. If not, then you cannot force it and it will only create friction -- either now or later -- if you do.

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From what I know of eoe, she's sensible and I trust she would handle it well.

For my own family, with its own dynamics that are likely different than anyone elses, I wouldn't have a problem asking my son "Hey, what's up with you and soandso?" and continuing into a conversation about his general happiness with the way things are with her and asking questions to generally find out where he is / what he's thinking.

But, then again, I'm getting much less subtle with age. By the time he's in his 30's I'll probably just yell out "Where's my grandkids???!!!" Laughing

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Does anyone remember the character played by Carrie Fischer in "When Harry Met Sally"? She was waiting for her married lover to leave his wife and all of her friends told her that it was never going to happen and she said it over and over. "You're right, you're right, I know you're right." That's how I feel right now. And I hate all of you. Smile

No. I actually realize that you're all correct about not calling her on my own. Of course. But some are saying that if I talk to my stepson and he says sure, go ahead, I don't care (while staking his future on it!) then I should? And let the chips fall?

I try to put myself in another persons' shoes and imagine how I would feel if someone did to me whatever I'm proposing to do and, when I was in my twenties and trying to prove to the world that I was grown, I would have taken big offense but by the time I was in my mid-thirties, long after I'd proven myself an adult, I welcomed advice from older and wiser women that I respected and admired. Especially about men. And especially if I saw that the woman herself enjoyed a happy marriage.

It's not ALL about my having grandbabies. My stepson is at an incredible point in his life where he's actually ready to settle down. I want to shout it from the rooftops, let every strong, smart, career-oriented woman know about him because I think it's kind of rare and, even with his issues, he is still a catch. But he can't seem to emotionally let go of this one woman. And he's gonna be 40 in a minute!!

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I did invite her to a family dinner a couple of months ago when my stepdaughter was home on leave. She seemed very happy to see all of us and vice versa but according to my stepson, after they left she threw up in his face that he was using his family to get back with her and he didn't like the assumption and they brawled about that so...they're just embroiled in a lot of messiness from the past and can't seem to get out of their own way. But in the meantime, they can't leave each other alone.

Another reason I'd like to call her is to find out if my stepson is telling the truth. Sometimes I just wonder about it, whether he's seeing his part honestly in all of this or if he's painting her out as the bad guy when in actuality, he could very well be the one.

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Ahhh!

Well then, stay out of the way.

With some things we all have our own path. This is his and hers. If she already thinks you are trying to force things, she won't take a call well.

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Dammit. You mean to say that I have no sayso about this at all????

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That's what I mean.

Course, you could start inviting OTHER women over....

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Don't you know if I knew of any, I'd pick one up and throw her at him? I don't have the opportunity to meet too many young single women, just old married ladies like myself. With kids who are teenagers or younger.

But here's a question. If she felt that he invited her to our family dinner just to get back with her, why did she come?

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You said "She's 34 or 35 years old, smart, gorgeous, spoiled" and "she's afraid"

Why on earth would you want her for a DIL and mother of your grandchildren??

Have a heart to heart talk - WITH YOUR SON!

Why is he so addicted to this unattainable, emotionally unavailable woman?

Help him to make a better selection for the mother of your grandchildren.

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There are millions of smart, gorgeous and spoiled women in their mid-30's who have been through the ringer with men and don't know which way to turn. I used to be one of them.

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But apparently, you changed - or made some committments! Maybe you could share your story with the both of them.

In the meantime, sounds like Cinderella and Peter Pan have quite a dance going, and really don't want anything to change.

So don't mess with it. They are WAY to old for your input, now.

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I'm also for not messing, first that it's not your business, and second, that it's not your business. Besides, it is usually of no use. And what if it is of use, and then you have ... two people aiming squarely for a life of drama... Be careful what you ask for, etc.

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ossobuco wrote:

two people aiming squarely for a life of drama... Be careful what you ask for, etc.

Ha! Don't think I haven't thought about that, too!

Sullyfish suggested that I share my own story and that is what I'd like to do with this woman. I've been there and know what it's like in the trenches. When you can't see the forest for the trees. From what I'm told, it looks like she's confused and floundering around, uncertain, unsure, sending mixed messages, perhaps wasting time with a man who will never be what she needs, but too blinded by some fantasy to see that. My motivation is not completely selfish. I'd like to help, one way or another, whether it's to bring them together or help them to let loose of one another for good.

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Should Potential M-I-L Step In?

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