He Hit Me

I agree with tiny. Don't be confused. That is what he wants. Being contrite is part of the whole scenario..........................until the next time.

Live away from him with your kids. After he has been in counselling for an extended period of time, during which you might want to see a professional, you might then reconsider. In the meantime, get away from him, fast.

I haven't seen Brooke around for awhile. She is a member who has a lot of experience with abusive relationships, and has overcome her tendency to get involved in them. I hope that she sees this thread.

Momof2--

Is there any possibility that your husband would move out so that your daughters could have the stability of the home they know?

Your husband may or may not be a leopard. Leopards don't change their spots. Honestly contrite men with proper counseling may.

You have a long, long list of emotional chores right now and forgiving your husband should be well down the list--page 33 or 34 seems about right. You have healing to accomplish. Your trust has been broken.

You're no longer pretending that your marriage was a good one. Getting used to this idea will be time-consuming and painful. Be prepared to deal with a rush of rage of the minor indignities you've ignored all these years.
Consider counseling for yourself as well as marital counseling.

Your husband should also get some individual counseling. Rage like that generally has deep roots and reasons. Impotence always does.

Your four year old will probably be happy with "Adventure". Your eight year old may ask some very acute questions about why Daddy isn't coming along on the Adventure.

Congratulations on acting rather than pretending. You can't change the past, but you can build yourself a the sort of self-sufficient future in which no pretending is necessary.

Re: He Hit Me
JPB wrote:

Call me paranoid, but unless you went to a cyber-cafe to write your opening post then I think I have a fairly good idea why you saw a turnaround on Friday morning.


VERY good point. As controlling as this individual seems to be, it is perfectly logical that he would be monitoring the communications to the outside world. Seeing what was coming, an apology/histrionics were in order to keep the situation where he wants or needs it.

He will not change unless you make him.
You have control of the situation for the moment. Be strong and hold your ground.

YOU ARE NOT SAFE WHILE HE IS IN THE BASEMENT UNTIL HE GETS SERIOUS HELP WITH HIS INNER DEMONS.

I'm sorta starting to hope momof2 checks in soon.

I am here. I am out of the house. My kids can not stop crying. This adventure thing is not going well.

Stay strong. You can do this!

Glad you're ok(ish), sorry it's so hard. It's new for them, but it's for the safety of all of you.

being out of an immediate danger like that is rough. of course it's rough, because technically you have no "home" right now, no matter what you have in shelter and amenities.

that's how it would be if you were at "home" right now, too. it might be easier to pretend things are okay right now, surrounded by a familiar physical setting, but the reality of it is that things are not okay right now. you have a bit of suffering to go through. it's not your fault, nor theirs. at least you're protecting them. it's glib to say "these things happen," but there's no merit in pretending they don't. take care of yourself, and we'll all hope for the best for you.

personally i hope for the best for him, too. i mean, there's no excuse for what happened, but i don't buy into the idea that people should just suffer arbitrarily forever. (or too much.)

suffering is related to learning. i don't know what he's learned. i know that it's not common for people to learn that quickly, that it is common for people in that situation to pretend and even think they have learned, and that it's dangerous to be in that situation. as a human being, i care about your safety, and i hope he gets better someday. i don't think it was a 24 hour flu though. this is bad. you're dealing with it, that's good. denial could be far worse than this. for once, and for your kids' sake, you have to be the priority. all the best.

This is going to be rough on the kids, but there is a lot that you can do to make things smoother. Be careful not to suck your kids into issues that really only concern you and your husband.

One thing that you don't want, (even though it is very tempting ) is to demonize your husband, and get your kids on your "side". The man is their father. Don't lie, but be as dispassionate and matter of fact to them as much as possible. Don't get too complicated, if the kids ask for the reason that you all don't live together, especially with the younger child.

You don't have to trot out a laundry list of abuses that you have suffered because of your husband. All the kids need to know is that the marriage was not working, and that you needed to get away, for the sake of the three of you.

Keep telling your kids that no matter what happens with mommy and daddy's relationship, you both will always love them. Also, make sure that they know that they had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup of your marriage, that it was not their fault.

I am proud of you girl, that you had the courage to leave a horribly abusive relationship. I knew that you can do it. Right now, you are probably going to be awash with all sorts of conflicting feelings. That is normal and natural. Just keep in the forefront of your mind, that you left for the safety and well being of both you and your kids. Good luck!

and if you need to vent your frustration or feelings of being betrayed, while your kids are not the right place to go for that, there are always other places. you could go to friends, you could easily hire someone to vent to (they make the same amount of money either way,) and of course we're here.

this forum even has a place you can just "vent your spleen." although i would be more careful, seeing to such matters in private. you're out of the house which is good, but he might still be visiting this forum, in which case another place would be a better place to vent. maybe someone can request that admins turn on private messaging for you, usually it takes longer and you have to establish yourself here a little before they will.

Just wanted to add - so sorry for all of this - but I am happy to hear that you are all safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this particularly hard time.

I have just been telling the kids that they are on vacation (since we are in a hotel room). I am still looking for an apartment.

Do you think I should tell them now that Mom and Dad are living separately?

He sent flowers and an apology card to work yesterday. He also said he went to counseling yesterday.

How will I know when the issue is resolved?

First you have to define the issue, then you can identify a definition for its resolution.

Is the fact that he exploded into a rage and beat you the only issue?

Tinygiraffe, private messaging is worked out by an algorithm, and even the administrator doesn't know the number of posts to get there.

I still think momof2 should meet with the people at a women's shelter for local advice, whether or not she lets them help her find a place.



I would, myself, not look for a quick resolution. However well meaning the sorrow of her husband at this point, it is the counter side of some vast rage. No easy fix. His counselling will take more than a few simple visits to facilitate change, if indeed it can.

momof2, could it be possible that your husband moves out and you'll
move back into the house. It would be a lot easier on the kids to be in
their usual environment.

If he truly is willing to work things out and getting into counseling, then
this should be part of the deal - him being the perpetrator - moving out!

If you are willing to work with him - maybe you want to attend counseling together and like CJ suggested maybe he would be willing to move out under the circumstances.

It sounds like he wants to work it out. I still don't think you should live together until it is a safe situation. Maybe a counselor would be able to help you work this through and help decide when it would be physically safe.

Momof2--

Congratulations, you've taken a big step. I don't just mean moving out to the hotel room. You've faced the very uncomfortable fact that action was needed--and you acted.

You have my sympathy. Your daughters are upset and because you're the All Wonderful Mommie they are taking it out on you.

If anyone comes up with a way to put kids in cold storage for 3-4 weeks during crisis times, those people will make oodles of money.

Meanwhile, you're in transition and they are in transition and nothing is Quite Right.

And it won't be Quite Right tomorrow, either.

Have you talked to your husband face-to-face since you moved out?

Obviously right now you don't want to be alone with him. Could you meet for coffee in a public place? Would he agree to an appointment with a marriage counselor?

You've gotten the message across to him that you are outraged and not going to put up with abusive behavior.

Now, exactly what do you want him to do? Exactly what proof will you demand that he's reformed?

Here's where talking to a professional would be of great help to you.

Are the girls seeing their father? Do they want to see their father?

As for the present chaos, explain that even the best Adventures have parts that really aren't much fun. Level with them that you and their father are not getting along and that both of you need Time Out away from the other person.

Your older girl is in school? Is her little sister in Day Care? Do both homes-away-from-home know what is going on? Be sure you tell both places that you and your husband are in a Trial Separation. Right now your kids need all the kindness they can get.

Provide as much structure as possible. Routine can be soothing for all of you.

Hold your dominion.

Good for you, momof2. No woman should ever have a brutal hand laid on her. Good luck to you and your kids. None of this was your fault!!

Ditto.