He Hit Me

What if he does this to one of your daughters?

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Momof2--

You don't "believe" in divorce.

You believed you could pretend an unhappy marriage into a happy one.

Perhaps you should examine some of your beliefs? You don't sound terribly loved and cherished--and evidently you haven't been loved and cherished for some time.

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I know a lot of you are questioning my belief that "divorce" is never an option, but that is what I have believed for the last 37 years of my life. I know I need to get over it. I know I need to do something. That is why I am turning to you for help. I am using your words to gather strength.

I have always told him and everyone one else that I would never leave him, unless he hurt my daughters.

A lot of decisions I a make in my life are for the sake of my daughters, how can I take their father away from them. He is really good to them.

And outside of the sex thing, he has been really good to me...until this week.

If I move out everyone will know. Then my family business becomes the source of everyon else's gossip.

What if this was a one time thing?

A lot of you also questioned his sexual orientation...I have too. Maybe he does not want me because he is gay. I know he has to be at least bi-sexual because we used to have sex before we got married. Honestly,if he was gay, I would not have left him. We have kids together...I would have continued to live with him, and remain a family. Even, if the sexual satisfaction came from elsewhere for both of us.

He is supposed to be my best friend...the one that I face the rest of the world with. How could HE hurt me like that?

If I were giving advise to someone in my shoes...I too would say "get out". But, being in the situation myself, I feel like I should be able to find another answer...one that keeps our family matter private.

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Hi momof2,

I understand what you're saying about being willing to live with him even if he's gay. If you were complaining just about the lack of sex I would definitely suggest bringing it up -- broaching the topic, saying you might not have a huge problem with it if it's the case, etc. (I have read a few articles about women who are married to gay men -- "completely" gay -- who nonetheless are able to perform occasionally.)

However, things have gone way beyond that. Assault, attempted rape (to prove he didn't need Viagra?), and utter denial since. That's serious, serious stuff.

HE is the one who took that step. HE is the one who made it impossible to pretend that things were fine. HE is the one who bears complete blame there... you're just trying to figure out how to deal with the aftermath.

Your question about it being a one-time thing seems really dangerous, to me. What if it isn't? What would the second time bring? You worry about taking your daughter's father away from them -- what if he takes you away from them, permanently? And then gets locked up, himself, leaving them with nobody?

I'd suggest counseling for just you but I think that's probably something to do after more immediate steps are taken. Lots of good advice here on what to do in the shorter term.

Good luck.

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Privacy should not be your first concern. You've done all that.

That this controlling man did this to you is not good for your daughters, whether or not he hits them too.

You need at least counselling by a woman's shelter and a legal separation.

I agree with all those who say pack a bag(s) and leave.

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momof2 wrote:

I have always told him and everyone one else that I would never leave him, unless he hurt my daughters.

Quote:

Even though him and I have problems, I have never discussed them with anyone. I alway tell people how wonderful our marraige is.
And outside of the sex thing, he has been really good to me...until this week.

There is something about that first sentence that I quoted that "does not compute". If you have told everyone what a great marriage you have, why do you say that you tell people that you would never leave him unless he hurt your daughters?

I sense a number of things. You appear to be more concerned about what your friends neighbors and relatives think, than being concerned about your own safety, and the well being of your children.

If you think that your kids are not sensing that something is wrong, you are simply fooling yourself. Kids sense when there is tension in a house. The problem is, they don't always understand what is going on, and usually end up thinking that THEY are the cause of the tension, even if it has nothing to do with them. Then you end up with screwed up kids.

Your children are too important to have to live in such a toxic environment. Do them a favor, and take them out of there.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Momof2--

You don't "believe" in divorce.

You believed you could pretend an unhappy marriage into a happy one.

Perhaps you should examine some of your beliefs? You don't sound terribly loved and cherished--and evidently you haven't been loved and cherished for some time.

You are right I think. I don't remember a lot about my early childhood. My memories are vague till I was 9. My father was not affectionate when we were growing up. He was generally in a foul mood, because he felt he was not reaching his full potential at work. He was occasionally physically abusive ( a few times a year). My mother was alway busy in her cooking or cleaning. I don't ever remember playing with her. She was occasionally physically abusive, but that did not hurt much.

I remember contemplating suicide when I was in 6th grade. I was going to drink bleach.

We were not allowed to have many friends, because my parents were very conservative.

My father now is great. He is affectionate and supportive. He apologized for all the mistakes he has made. He says he realizes now how he hurt me.

My mother claims that she never hit us.

Actually my father gets along really well with my husband. They both have a very mellow disposition. My father really respects my husband. My husband is one of the smartest persons that anyone could meet. He graduated with a 4.0 from Stanford and then UCSF medical school.

I know this sound stupid but, No one will believe that this happened to me. No one would ever think that my husband is capable of this.

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[There is something about that first sentence that I quoted that "does not compute". If you have told everyone what a great marriage you have, why do you say that you tell people that you would never leave him unless he hurt your daughters?]

Because once of our friends was getting a divorce for irrecocilable differences. And we as friends were talking about how the 2 did not give it a very good try. The two getting a divorce are not part of our relegion.

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Of it cannot be easy - letting everyone know your situation. Maybe you can gain strength from the fact you did nothing wrong - hitting, kicking, raping is wrong ethically and it is illegal. I understand the philosophy of not wanting a divorce - marriage is for life - you respect your wedding vows, however, in this case - he broke the wedding vows - he broke the law.

You talk about you would never leave him unless he hurt your daughters - well what about you? Aren't you worth something? He hurt you - he attempted to rape you. Not that any type of hitting is right, but he didn't just slap you - he hit you several times and when you were on the ground defenseless - he kicked you and then tried to rape you. The violence in how he treated you - I can't imagine is one time thing, but some one who cannot control himself when provoked. You probably never "hit" any of his buttons before, what if you hit that button again? It could be even worse.

The gossip is nothing compared to what could happen to you physically. And if certain people gossip and are cruel, they are just a$$es and do not desire your concerns.

As far as no one will believe this happened to me - why not try it? Maybe the others will surprise you. Your father getting along with your husband is a bit different than whether he would believe in you or not. Others may have seen something in your husband that you didn't or that you tried to block.

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Momof2--

Quote:

If I move out everyone will know. Then my family business becomes the source of everyon else's gossip.

Providing that you and your husband keep your private affairs private, a marital separation would be an occasion for speculation, not for gossip.

So, the two of you are under separate roofs while your "working things out". You could wind up divorced. You could wind up reconciled. Unless either you or your husband tell the world that he's an impotent wife-beater and rapist, no one will know.

Repeat--there would be speculation, not gossip.

You seem determined to go on pretending. The night of violence was an out-of-the-blue, one-time little oopsie.

Nonsense. Your husband beat you and tried to rape you because it seemed like a good idea to him at the time.

You grew up without a lot of love and you seem to be willing to settle for counterfeit love. This is your choice.

Unfortunately, one of the ramifications of your choice is that your daughters will see Sham Marriage with Feigned Passion as a goal and ideal. Do you want them to live the sort of life you're living?

Remember, you learned all about marriage from watching your parents.

You and your husband both need counseling. You can't control his behavior, but you can examine your own.

A very nice, very loving man knocked you down, kicked you and tried to rape you. Shouldn't you figure out why you think this guy is worth staying married to?

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I could not phrase it any better than Noddy.
I might add, that the first time was just that. It will only be easier for him to cross that line again. Don't let your kids see that, please.

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I agree with Noddy as well.

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he is already hurting your daughters.

They know something is wrong

They see what he is like, and if they know what happened between you two,he has destroyed their trust in him as well.
Dont let his ability to hurt them turn physical just because you want to stay right where you are.

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They don't know. They are too young. Only 2 and 4.

Every evening, as soon as I get home, I take them out of the house. We have been to the mall, we went to the toy store, we went to a friends's house. I am keeping them out of the house so that they do not have to see the interaction between us.

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"one time thing" might apply to getting smacked, but even then it usually doesn't.

it doesn't apply to getting kicked and punched.

roxxx is right, lawyer, what was i thinking? i figured you wouldn't be willing to go to the police, but the first place i suggested you go to was a shelter. with the kids. they can give you advice that we might not, and it might be better advice.

this is a guy that took an oath to "do no harm" and phoenix is right, it's illegal to break confidentiality like he did. if he starts kicking his patients, there's more at stake than the family business. this guy shouldn't be practicing. by the way, if kicking your patients is a "one time thing," how many times is enough times to have your license taken?

this situation is going to get worse, no matter what. forget the family business, that's done. forget pride. go find safety, please. you can rebuild your life later on. i hate to say these things happen, but we all realize they do. in the end, you'll be okay and you won't have to blame yourself. your friends will probably support you emotionally, and if they don't they're not worth a bucket of piss, get new ones. you deserve real friends, and you and your kids deserve safety.

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Quote:

Every evening, as soon as I get home, I take them out of the house. We have been to the mall, we went to the toy store, we went to a friends's house. I am keeping them out of the house so that they do not have to see the interaction between us.

You think that they don't notice they aren't at home any more?

Earlier today you mentioned that posting was difficult because your two year old was clingy and demanding attention.

You think she doesn't know something is wrong?

When you were beaten and kicked, you screamed. The kids didn't notice.

Your kids are not as good at playing Let's Pretend as you are--and I hope they never will be.

They know something is wrong in their world--and a trip to the toy store isn't fixing their world or your marriage.

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Noddy is right - children are very perceptive even at a young age.

I had been having some issues with my parents - my youngest at the time was 4. She knew something was up - I could tell by the change in her behaviour - clingy, not sleeping as well, etc. And this was as a result of people not living in the home.

They may not understand what is happening, but they know something is different and they are probably scared.

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All very good advice here, but it seems, none will be taken.

Momof2, you wrote, you had family visiting from out of the country,
when your husband told them about your diet pills. Does this mean, you're
foreign born? Is it possible to visit your family abroad?

Visiting them, would give you at least enough time, to think things through more rational, while no one would suspect anything (yet). You seem so
concerned about gossip, and family shame, a visit abroad could be the
right short term solution for now.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Quote:
Every evening, as soon as I get home, I take them out of the house. We have been to the mall, we went to the toy store, we went to a friends's house. I am keeping them out of the house so that they do not have to see the interaction between us.

You think that they don't notice they aren't at home any more?

Earlier today you mentioned that posting was difficult because your two year old was clingy and demanding attention.

You think she doesn't know something is wrong?

When you were beaten and kicked, you screamed. The kids didn't notice.

Your kids are not as good at playing Let's Pretend as you are--and I hope they never will be.

They know something is wrong in their world--and a trip to the toy store isn't fixing their world or your marriage.

I didn't scream. I did not want to wake them up.

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CalamityJane wrote:

All very good advice here, but it seems, none will be taken.

Momof2, you wrote, you had family visiting from out of the country,
when your husband told them about your diet pills. Does this mean, you're
foreign born? Is it possible to visit your family abroad?

Visiting them, would give you at least enough time, to think things through more rational, while no one would suspect anything (yet). You seem so
concerned about gossip, and family shame, a visit abroad could be the
right short term solution for now.

My parents actually live in Connecticut. I have relatives in my home Country, but I am not close enough to anyone to go visit. I have lived here since 5th grade and have lost touch with them.

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