He Hit Me

I started to look into apartments today. In our own neighborhood. This way I can go away from the house, but my kids would still be in their own surroundings.

Good for you! Get that apartment and move things step by step.

How will I take all their things. Their toys, their books etc..

Most local rental joints will do a one day cargo van rental. (not a big truck, just a 30 series van) I know Enterprise does.

A shelter might have a way to help, too. You wouldn't be the first person moving out of a home that they'd see -- who knows -- there may be something there (of course they're not a moving agency but they could help with the practical stuff). Anyway, the toys will come later. Just get moving. The window dressing should not be a prime focus right now. Changing locations is the prime focus.

Connecticut ain't far. Trains, planes and buses all go there. As do phone lines.

If your parents cannot help, or will not listen, try a sibling. Or a friend. Or a neighbor. Or a coworker. So your husband's a doctor. So he's quiet. So he outwardly seems wonderful. Big fat hairy deal. Lots of violent, horrible people have appeared wonderful on the outside. While there may be a little surprise from the people around you once they learn about your issues, there may not be the doubt and disbelief that you think.

Joel Steinberg was one of those people, a lawyer, and his girlfriend (Hedda Nussbaum) was a book editor. They lived in a brownstone in NYC and to the outside world seemed respectable. There were two adoptive children. When the police broke in, they found the little girl in a coma (she did not recover) and the little boy tied to his crib. The girlfriend was beaten, too. All this from an attorney in a fancy home. That was, ironically, twenty years ago yesterday. But despite the law degree and the fancy trappings, Joel Steinberg was an abuser and, ultimately, a killer. Lisa (the child) died in 1987, but according to Hedda Nussbaum, "Steinberg first hit her in 1978. Much to her later regret, she chose to ignore the violence. "Battered woman" was a phrase largely unknown. The frequency and dimensions of spousal abuse were not a part of public discussion. Perhaps, in part, that's why Hedda Nussbaum chose to live with Steinberg's attacks. She later said that she hoped that he would change or the beatings would stop. The sense of shame or embarrassment that an abused woman feels may have also prevented her from seeking treatment. As a result, the situation became worse, a lot worse. "I saw her wheeling the baby (Lisa) down the hall," a co-worker told reporters, "And the baby had a cut lip, and Hedda had on sunglasses and a bandage…everybody knew that she was a lady with a lot of trouble." By 1981, the abuse was so severe that she was fired from her job because of repeated absences due to her physical condition." See: this page.

Don't let it go any further.

I don't have time right now to read what I missed in the last couple pages but what really seems creepy to me is the fact this guy seems so mild-mannered outside his abusive mode. To me, it indicates someone who has held all his rage inside for a long time, if it all comes out at once, it could be deadly.


EDIT: looking back at some of the posts, whatever you do, do not confront him about his issues especially his sexual orientation, this guy sounds like a time bomb.

Exactly. Most people are aware of the fact that a lot of us have a public face that can hide a very different behind-closed-doors personality... Especially when it comes to men hiding their emotions-- whether that's hiding a sensitive side or bottling up anger, we all know that it's pretty commonplace. You're going to find more support and willingness to listen to you than you're expecting.

I've done volunteer work with a Rape Crisis Center. Some of the most confused and miserable clients were married to Pillars of the Community, "professional" men.

You don't have to have a low income to decide that beating your wife will make you feel better--and, of course, she deserves it.

All you need to be a spousal abuser is a weak ego and an expectation of privacy.

This deserves repeating.

Wow. Even the lack of sex for years would have already had me in marriage counseling...I wonder why that was ok with you?

Looks like a huge problem that was able to thrive in the apathetic environment you provided.

Obviously, you need to get out of there yesterday---because no matter who did what, when someone hits---certainly when someone carries out a horrible attack like the one you describe--anyone with any sense leaves. Period. Hopes, dreams and archaic ideas about the "sanctity of marriage" de damned. Think about lying in the floor being kicked---there's the sanctity you seek to preserve...

I do think it was quite awful to tell your family he's taking Viagra. This, to me, is a low betrayal of a man by his partner.

Much less worse, but uncool, was his breaking confidentiality about the diet pills. Your family may have been really worried that you were doing something unhealthy to lose all that weight--and he may have been fumbling for a way to reassure them you weren't bulimic or sick...

Another weird thing is why you'd feel you needed to lie about diet pills to your family in the first place...

Please get out. But, don't think your problems are all behind you.

I think you should stay single until you are very open with a therapist---and tell the truth--about your part in this failed marriage, and get to know yourself.

I don't think she told his family that he's taking Viagra. I think he told her family that she was taking diet pills and then, later, she was arguing with him about that (just the two of them, in private) and in explaining why it bothered her, asked him to imagine what it would be like if she'd told his family he took Viagra.

You are right, soz.

Bad reading on my part.

Hope she's left.

That was a serious attack. A lot of rage. Dangerous.

This line from momot2 makes my heart go out to her....
I hope you have left and i hope you are in a safe place.

Why do men hit women, they are the only beautiful things in this life.
seriously..

The reason I have stayed in the marriage...is because I felt that if the only thing missing out our life was sex then, I would just deal with that. It is not as if we had not talked about it. We would discuss it, he would agree that it was a problem, and then nothing would change. I realize that counseling would have been a good idea a long time ago...but the stresses of raising two kids, working full time, and taking care of the household always took priority. Again, I realize how wrong I was.

Now I am totally confused.

I looked for a short term apartment, but could not find one. Then, I decided that I would just go to hotel. I go someone to help me move this coming Wed. I was going to tell the girls we were on going on an adventure. He did not know that I was moving out.

Starting Friday, he has been apologizing non stop, saying that he is sorry, crying, begging. He offered to live in the basement until I said it was OK. He is willing to go to counseling and willing to do whatever I ask of him. I know I can not forgive me...or forget what he did.

I told him to put his daughters in the situation I am in..what would he want them to do?

What should I do?

Stick to your guns. If he can change, he can do it from a distance while you are still safe. He sounds as if he could use some time alone to find himself, as well as you do.

Well, I think going to counseling is a good idea... after you've moved out. You're still going to have to raise your children together, and it would be good for both of you to work through what brought you to this point. If he's willing to do it even if you move out (as opposed to on condition that you don't move out) then I think you should.

It's very sad what's happening to all of you. Maybe you can explain to him how much happier he will be now.

PLEASE don't take begging for forgiveness as a sign of change.

i'm sure he's sorry. that doesn't mean you're safe. the last time you got hurt, it came out of nowhere. just because he's going back to "nowhere" doesn't mean you should act as though nothing happened.

no matter what you do, you won't even be relatively safe until he admits what he did to someone that won't try to protect him. if he makes an appointment to talk to a counselor, and tells them why he's making the appointment, it's a good sign.

i'm not sure that's safe enough, but at least then if it happens again he won't be able to deny he attacked you. other than that, these sincere apologies could come from nothing but his fear.

if he had kicked, punched, or violated the confidentiality of any of his other patients, sorry and even settling out of court wouldn't be good enough. this is a guy that should not be practicing medicine right now.

Re: He Hit Me


Then today

Call me paranoid, but unless you went to a cyber-cafe to write your opening post then I think I have a fairly good idea why you saw a turnaround on Friday morning.

I'll join the others in strongly recommending that you take him up on his offer to get counseling in lieu of filing a police report, but staying in the same house at this point is too dangerous for you and your daughters. The explosion you witnessed/lived through last week does not need another opportunity to repeat itself. Actually, my personal opinion is that a police report is in order but I can see why you don't want to go that route. At least you've documented it here.