Infidelity Makes Me ILL

I still maintain some of those posters are gameplayers, forum taunters. For those that aren't, who are in the throes of whether to go on with an affair (or more), I think it's not a help to barrage with moral rage.

JPB wrote:

Back to Heatwave's original point on infidelity.... I hate the skulking, sneaking, lying aspects of affairs as much as the next person and consistently advise against them. My point is only that there are times when it can be the right answer.

JPB, I don't think that the couple you are talking about, who have an arrangement on the side, is a good example of your quote above. Could you think of any other scenario, when sneaking around to have an affair would be okay?

Oh. Oh, I see. Yeah, I get it now.

And I am not arguing at all that sometimes sex outside of marriage maybe the right answer. Clearly, it could be.

One scenario that a someone offline presented: she had an affair outside of a physically & mentally abusive marriage. The affair (and the person they were having it with) gave them the courage to break out of their marriage. I have no quibble with the sneaking around in this situation. NONE at all. Good for you, I said to her.

If that woman posted that scenario here on A2K, what do you suppose your response would have been, Heatwave? If I responded I would have probably suggested she look at herself to find out why she needs a man to supply her backbone. (I can be judgemental, too.)

Mostly, I stay away from giving advice in forums (fora?) especially if it's a new poster who's first post is "I'm having an affair with a ferret. Is that OK?"

The reason I responded to your thread is that I don't like generalizations and I felt you were lumping all adulterers together. People have reasons for doing what they do and who among us is blessed with enough wisdom to judge them?

I still maintain some of those posters are gameplayers, forum taunters. For those that aren't, who are in the throes of whether to go on with an affair (or more), I think it's not a help to barrage with moral rage. Actually, I'm not sure that has happened all so recently, but it sure has in the past.

I'm not against expressing rage, and certainly not against expressing point of view. But, as some of us have said, in effect, the smell of moral superiority piled up starts to reek, to the reader. View can be expressed without complete vitriol, which ain't helpful, but is a goodbar for the poster.

Again, not that I'm sans vitriol. Just looking at our behavior to posters.

I saw this person being attacked from the beginning.

ossobuco wrote:

I still maintain some of those posters are gameplayers, forum taunters. For those that aren't, who are in the throes of whether to go on with an affair (or more), I think it's not a help to barrage with moral rage.

I had not considered the idea forum taunters. But yeah, that might very well be the case. Some of these people are so obviously obnoxious they are unreal. They may be exactly that.

And yes, I do agree with the second part. I'd rather just hold my thoughts (and vent in a separate thread) than harp in their threads.

If it works for them, what's the problem? baddog, it seems you're trying
very hard to press the world into your beliefs and your stance on
marriage. Not everything is black or white, whatever makes people happy -
it is fine with me. I am not here to tell them otherwise, just because my
way of thinking is different.

Marriage should be an equal give and take union, and if your wife is
not wanting to have relations with you on a more agreeable level, then
you should ask yourself, why is she not interested in an intimate relationship with you. I consider sex once a month not as the norm. You would have
to find out - together - what the problem is. She might have hormonal
imbalances, in need of more stimulation, and so on. If all avenues are
explored and your wife still won't have sexual relations with you other than
once a month, than she should understand, that you opt for consequences.

Holy cow Osso! A voice of reason. As one of the people who pretty much started this whole string of posts and spinoffs about infidelity and marriage vows, etc. I appreciate that someone recognizes the futility of the self-righteous moral rage.

The real reason I came and posted was to provide support to someone who is in pretty much exactly the same situation I am. I saw this person being attacked from the beginning.

When I got into it, I realized that I can respect the opinions of those who have not been in my situation, but I also know that no one can really know what is in the heart and mind of another.

When it comes to moralizing and judgement, I wonder if people have any clue that maybe I, or others in my situation, struggle with the acts against what we thought were our core values.

Up until this past June, I would have been right there with people saying, "Stick to your marriage vows. You made a contract, etc."

Events in my life including, but not limited to my affair have cracked the foundations of my faith and my values and don't doubt for a minute that it is a struggle.

I am not looking for sympathy. I do not expect sympathy or understanding. I am just stating this fact. I do, in fact, struggle with the immorality of my actions. Or more accurately the fact that I find I can continue to act in spite of what I thought were my values.

Okay...Open fire.