Infidelity Makes Me ILL

I didn't mean this thread, re the superiority.

On the thread you're talking about, Mame, I take that one and some others as internet playtime. Not sure, of course.

But superiority doesn't happen only on relationship threads, and, let me jump right out and say I act that way too.

If it's not me being that way, it can be quite grating.

at your last line

I've actually never opined in a cheating thread until today - and that was more by mistake than intent. (I'd meant to start a new topic, clicked instead on the 'reply' button.) I'd have nothing more that what I've said here already to say to most of the people who start those threads. As to glass houses - well, the closest home cheating ever hit me was my father consistently cheating on my mother for probably more than a quarter of century. Until they finally separated when I was 23, and my sister, their oldest child was 27. That was close enough. I do not subscribe to the view that you can have an opinion on the matter only if you are the cheater or if you are the one cheated on. That is quite ridiculous.

However. I do understand the superiority some show on these threads, and agree that it is grating.

Reconciling to (or is it with) a cheating spouse. I don't know if I have it me. My sis-in-law, my brother's wife in conversation prior to his cheating always said that she'd leave in a heartbeat. When it came to it - she worked (and continues at it) just as hard as he did/does to piece their marriage back together. For the sake of their little son as well as for their own.

I cannot imagine why he would do it. Specially after witnessing first-hand our mum's devastation. All he's ever offered to her (and their therapist and to the Greek Chorus that is our family) is that he just sort of fell into it willy-nilly. How does a sane, rational person fall willy-nilly into an affair? It escapes me. Sort of. At least he's trying to make amends now.

Can't say I get the same sense of ... I don't know...decency? contrition? from so many cheating-thread-starter here lately. Someone is looking for exciting new venues/ideas to meet with their married lover. Someone else is wondering if they should continue to carry on with theirs. Somebody is considering (re)starting (did I get that right, I wonder) an affair with their one-true-love from 55 years ago!! Oh BLah! Get over yourselves, people.

I don't feel superior for having a line carved in stone instead of sand. Especially since I've crossed that etched-in-granite line.

In fact, I see in threads like this the usual suspects who come on to indulgently shake their heads at the strict puritans who aren't sophisticated enough to accept that affairs are just natures way of keeping the spice in your life.

The word marriage, in any language means commitment, period. Not commitment when it's convenient, or when you aren't turned on by an attractive person or mentally stimulated by someone interesting. I mean, talk about entitlement.

Bottom line....them's the breaks. You married. If you want to screw around, get out of that marriage.

mushy's post was wonderful. If it was a rant, it was a good one. The person cheating with a married person is not at all thinking about how what they are doing with someones mate would just rip them apart. If they did, there'd be a lot less screwing around.

It's probably not PC to say "he's my man" or "she's my woman", but when you marry, you made that choice to belong to each other. As long as you remain married, one can no sooner separate you two than you could separate the sugar from the coffee after it's been stirred in.

When you are married, you are responsible for the other persons happiness....oh yes you are.....don't start in with that bullsh*t that you're only responsible for your own happiness. It's thinking like that that leads you to picking up with other people.

Indulgent/suspect? As in not totally rigid?


quoting Chai,
The word marriage, in any language means commitment, period.



Really? Marriage has oft had an economic basis in many lands, and somewhat does in the US as well.

Please acknowledge you are speaking for yourself, in between not listening to yourself (which I can get behind your choice that time) and setting rules now.

If you mean me, heatwave (I can't tell), I don't subscribe that one can only have an opinion if one has cheated or been cheated on.

I have never cheated and I was never cheated on, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the circumstances why it could happen. None of us ever knows what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage, and what drives a person to cheat.

Regardless of the reason, what I object to is dishonesty. One should
respect one's spouse enough to discuss this issue with her/him, and take
all consequences in consideration. That's the least I would ask. Being
betrayed is one thing, but being betrayed and lied to is far worse in my
book.

Every couple's relationship is different. Even though divorce may be the obvious answer, only the two people involved in the marriage know what is best and what will work for them.

There are all kinds of things emotional, practical and financial that have to be taken into consideration, and someone who is not involved cannot simply say "this is the way it should be, period."

Two people that have lived their entire lives together, gone through every major life event together, often find it difficult to break free of that bond even though all those around them think they should just split and be done with it.

It's not always that easy.

Not disagreeing, CJ.

I don't, Ossobuco. I was responding to something someone else (Swimpy?) said.

You're saying this while admitting earlier that you cheated on your former spouse with your current husband? How convenient is that?

Yes! Exactly! Thank you, CalamityJane. I think you're inside my head.

Nods to happycat.

Obviously, I think this is all discussable on an international forum. What gives me quakes sometimes is the flight of the, well, harpies, as a word for now, to a new poster. Also obviously, sometimes a new poster is a virulent mess, but often things are more complicated. Attack mode is sort of like a sensational tv program, all for the fish gutting.

I have to admit that's a great word (and description!)!

I only vaguely remember the real literary harpies, and seem to remember them as female (failure to google when necessary). I don't mean just female, more the behavior.

Yes CJ, I did say, and I did admit.....if you had bothered to read, (wait, what am I saying, you read, but didn't bother to include the rest of what I said....how "convenient") the rest of my former post...I said....

if someone had told me what I was doing was wrong, I would have had no problem with agreeing.

I certainly wouldn't have been angry at someone judging me for that.

It does happen for love at times, but I'm not going to make excuses for my self and go on about how that was the case with me. Who cares?

You make a commitment to someone, you take the results of breaking that commitment to the grave

I'm not angry at you for judging that what I did was wrong. I will live the rest of my life knowing what I did at that time was wrong. If I went on to explain the circumstances, it would sound like I was justifying and making excuses, so I'm not going to do that.....I was not entitled to do what I did, I was not patient and waited until the divorces were final first.

Retaining the knowledge one did wrong for the rest of their days does not equal beating yourself up over it every day of your life. That goes for everything you do, not just cheating. That doesn't make it "convenient"

Part of my commiting adultery in the past is a factor, albeit a small one today, in my emphasis on my marriage being faithful today.

You're correct osso in that I didn't give which definition of marriage I was talking about....I'm talking about the blending of 2 elements that cannot be separated.

Those who say they don't agree or believe in marriage seem to be objecting to allowing themselves to be blended. Of course when you marry, that doesn't mean every aspect of your personality, wants and desires are changed...but, as a whole, in essense entering a marriage, by the definition of this blending, does change you.

Re: not listening to myself and now setting the rules....as said above, I not only aknowledge what I did was wrong, but fully accept any consequences of it. If you've got any consequences to give out, I'll take them.

As for me making the rules....they weren't made by me....somewhere along the line a separation occured between casual dating and commitment. I wasn't on that committee