Infidelity Makes Me ILL

Being judgemental is our way of saying, "It can't happen to me." Anyone might find themselves in a situation that they can't control. Either as the adulterer or the one who is being cheated on.

If it upsets you to read those threads, I'd suggest you keep on scrolling.

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squinney wrote:

I don't know why, but it bothers me just as much when it is someone talking about an affair with someone they know to be married, even if they aren't married themselves. Whether the cheater or the cheaters assistant, doesn't matter to me.

I never even considered an affair. Certainly I've looked and admired, I am human, but it never ever crossed my mind to sleep with them. Surely my early early life experience would have indicated it to be acceptable but for some reason I didn't learn that.

Makes me wonder why some do get that message even after growing up in two parent homes.

I'm in total agreement with you squinny. I know on this forum it's been argued that it's the married persons "fault" and not the other persons.

That's just a load of crap. It really irks me when someone says that the married person is the one breaking a commitment, and the other person isn't forcing the married person to do this...no....but that doesn't make what you are doing any less wrong.

Just because a married person wants to have sex with you doesn't mean it's ok for you to comply. What a complete copout. "well, he/she wanted to" Jesus, you know this person has a spouse. If he/she comes on to you, remind them of that, maybe they forgot. Rolling Eyes

Judgemental?

Sure it is.

I've said this before, but I don't think being judgmental is not automatically a bad thing. We judge things all the time to see if it fits in with society, our personal lives, and the world as a whole. Accusing someone of being judgmental is many times just a way to get someone to not express their common sense, and to tow the line and be more PC. Also, it's funny how people who call you that are sometimes the ones doing something they know they shouldn't be.

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Swimpy: Actually, I can say that it won't happen to me - at least, that I won't cheat. Sure it's possible that I maybe cheated on. I pray not - but is it possible? Yes. Then, as the cheatee I'll say again all the things I've said here before.

Noddy, thinking over your post....

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You've made some terrific points Noddy (as usual)

hmmm....it would be interesting to research when people have been the most faithful.

I not only can say that I will never cheat on my spouse, but also that he will never cheat on me.

Literally, the earth would stop spinning on its axis before he, especially would be unfaithful.

Scoff all you want, but that's one certainty in life.

amendment...if one of us got alzheimers or some other disease that caused extreme mental breakdown, then one of us may get in a compromising position thinking we were with the other, or not aware of what we were doing anyway.

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ehBeth wrote:

_Heatwave_ wrote:
I am sickened by this ...trend, it seems.

There's nothing new, or trend-like, about it.

Doesn't make it any 'better', but really, nothing new under the sun.

In a way, it is a trend. With the advent of the internet we have email and IM to contact someone secretively. With cell phones we have the ability to speak to someone else from anywhere at any time, and if we can't speak, we can text....secretively.

Whereas before, people may have entertained the idea of cheating, now it's so much easier to actually do it and not get caught.

That, plus the fact that sex is thrown at us in every way, shape and form
on tv, movies and the internet and some people just can't resist temptation....they think the grass is greener on the other side, because now they can see the other side.

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I'm glad you have such a strong marriage, Chai. I've been cheated on and I've known people who have cheated. I can say that they are all average people with no particular pentient toward "fornication." Could they have stopped doing what they were doing? Of course. They got caught up in something they thought was love.

They hurt other people, but most of all they hurt themselves. There are most certainly people for whom commitment means nothing, but just because a person makes a mistake, doesn't mean they are not redeemable

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happycat wrote:

That, plus the fact that sex is thrown at us in every way, shape and form on tv, movies and the internet...

In the US? Really? I must be blind...

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Francis wrote:

happycat wrote:
That, plus the fact that sex is thrown at us in every way, shape and form on tv, movies and the internet...

In the US? Really? I must be blind...

Well, take off those sunglasses Francis. Cool

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swimpy....I have been cheated on....and I, in the past, I cheated. In fact, the person I cheated ON was my ex-husband, who I was married to for less than 2 years, and the person I cheated WITH is my husband now, to whom I've been married for about 14 years.
We both left our spouses to be with each other, and married pretty much immediately after the divorces went through.

if someone had told me what I was doing was wrong, I would have had no problem with agreeing.

I certainly wouldn't have been angry at someone judging me for that.

It does happen for love at times, but I'm not going to make excuses for my self and go on about how that was the case with me. Who cares?

You make a commitment to someone, you take the results of breaking that commitment to the grave.

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I'm probably the only a2ker who had an affair (I was the out of marriage lover), some 40 years ago now - and am still not sorry. Other people have admitted having them, whlle expressing self-dismay.

I do sometimes find the lack of empathy on a2k to be astounding en masse, like flocks of harpies. I can feel this way at the same time I don't go around advising having affairs, unless it is understood within the marriage.

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Swimpy wrote:

Being judgemental is our way of saying, "It can't happen to me." Anyone might find themselves in a situation that they can't control. Either as the adulterer or the one who is being cheated on.

If it upsets you to read those threads, I'd suggest you keep on scrolling.

Again, I'm agreeing that it is preferable to avoid judgment. That's the whole point of my rant here in fact -- that, since I found myself unable to avoid being more judgmental than I am comfortable with in responding, I ceased to respond on those threads.

I do think that there is a wide range of culpability when it comes to having affairs, and a couple of recent posters have been pushing my buttons in terms of their passivity and resistance to taking responsibility for what is happening. That, coupled with the presence of young children, makes me about as anti-affair as I get.

I'll get over it, and go back to reading those kinds of threads, and be more reasonable again, but there has been some cumulative effect from recent posters that has exhausted my patience, for now.

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Personally, I think cheaters have entitlement issues. Comes down to:
I'm a brat who the world revolves around.
A lack of sense of connection to the world.

And God, I didn't believe it so much before, but entitlement issues seem to be more acceptable nowadays.
Or moreso - no even questioned.

Wrong to do it? Wrong to wait before getting your rocks off? But it's fun!

Cheating is something I can understand - thrills, makes you feel important, you get to be in some big drama and involve all these people emotionally without their consent (steal from the one you cheat on - entitlement, again!).

I understand it, but I don't agree with it. Never have, never will, and never will sit back and hold the hand of someone who has no desire to rise up from it. Be a better person, someone who cares.

What pisses me off, to be honest, is when there is that lacking (more common now) of people to stand up and say "Hey , that isn't right. You, are in the wrong. Not the others."

Perhaps one of the reasons I love the relationship section of A2K. There is a wide range of views, feelings, ways of talking about things here.
But all in all, almost all of the longtime members seem to have a solid sense of values that extend beyond themselves.

I love that. And so there is still hope. Hope in what each of us chooses, and in their being a common voice for it.

Encouragement on a good path can never hurt, right.

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More of a rant.

Ok, so I have never cheated. And yes, taking that particular route does colour a person's eyes a certain way.
You act, believe, and are truthful in a particular value - and so seek someone to do the same.

To have that violated, full stop, is devastating.
And that colours things too.

It happened to me once, and only once, and I was sure if it came to it, I would have been berzerko and out for blood. That I would be so angry I would seek vengenance.

Well, I didn't. The anger was huge, but the hurt was so deep that it made clear the futility of acting in anger.

And I did learn something, and it did make me stronger.

I doubt that would have been possible or happened had I cheated in my past, or been more sympathetic to cheating, or any of that crap. I say "crap" because that is how I honestly view it.
It is a judgement, and one I am comfortable with. To say otherwise, would be like a lie and a comprimise on my part.

Which isn't to say I can't understand other sides, those who have been in a position where they cheated or cheat or have been cheated on.
And it's not to say I can't FEEL for them and CARE.

I AM ranting big time here. But whatever.

I am sick of having it shoved down my throat that it is not tolerant or kind to sit there and grieve over imaginary losses.
Losing a lover you never had - that's stupid. Yes, stupid. You'll never get anywhere trying to talk THAT out.

Not being real about being a selfish dink, that isn't going to help anyone.

So, yeah, I know personally I have a weak spot in knowing the difference in when to voice an opinion or whatnot at particular times and to particular people.
There are times and places to keep your mouth shut, or be kind in basically dumming down a way of saying something.
To omit, and listen, and whatnot.

But: it's kinda like, Well, don't ask, and I won't answer.

They ALWAYS ask. They always want to show off.

So screw em. Eh?

Done and done.

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I don't hae a problem with people anwering threads that people who are cheating start. I think if they ask for your opinion, you have every right to give it. I've answered those threads myself. I always advise agains dishonesty in a relationship. The only problem I have is when the people answering feel superior to the person who started the thread. People in glass houses and all... That's all I'm saying.

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I've told this on a2k before, but not often -

I walked in on my husband and his lover. That was how I learned.

I left him that night, after tense hours. But I forgot my purse as I walked out. I walked in the middle of that night for many more hours, and I'm nightblind, trip on curbs. I eventually went to the marina - there were lights there, and I guess I felt relative safety rather than just walking along city streets. I had to go back for the wallet, or thought I did. I couldn't leave without a bitter sentence more, and he answered and I answered. Don't remember the sentences.. we kept talking. That was the start of a raprochement (sp?) that took years. We then had years of connection past that.

We did divorce a long time later. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to get that wallet. I'm mostly glad I did.

This has elements of movie comedy, of course, though I can't laugh just yet.

So - I get both sides. I get righteousness too, especially re children.

However, I'm more freaked, or say I am, about rigid rule for human behavior on matters of the heart. We don't own each other, no matter the trying.

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Osso,

Are you saying that you reconciled?

That is a side I do NOT understand. But would like to. Someday, somehow, I will I suppose.

Anyways, if that is the case, it makes more sense why your views are different enough to be interesting. Smile

And I do get what you were saying, Swimpy. Though this thread seemed like a good one to let things hang out. No direct hits!

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Chai wrote:

swimpy....I have been cheated on....and I, in the past, I cheated. In fact, the person I cheated ON was my ex-husband, who I was married to for less than 2 years, and the person I cheated WITH is my husband now, to whom I've been married for about 14 years.
We both left our spouses to be with each other, and married pretty much immediately after the divorces went through.

if someone had told me what I was doing was wrong, I would have had no problem with agreeing.

I certainly wouldn't have been angry at someone judging me for that.

It does happen for love at times, but I'm not going to make excuses for my self and go on about how that was the case with me. Who cares?

You make a commitment to someone, you take the results of breaking that commitment to the grave.

Chai, you are entirely correct. It does happen for love at times.

that's a great post Smile

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We not only reconciled, in time, but were a very good pair for many years. He never did cheat again. Our breakup long later was related to us, not another person.

People say it's always that way, even if there is another person, and yes, I can see that, though I think one may just feel like playing - it isn't always the dreaded spouse's fault, it caaaaan be the immaturity of the player.
Let's say it's both person's problem a fair amount of the time, or the dealing of both people with each other.

I've no interest in dissecting my own marriage online. I'm just saying life is not a developed site plan, going along with Swimpy with the aggravation about tones of superiority.

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I see more exasperation than superiority on this thread -- but I agree that superiority is annoying.

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Well, I've read a few of those "cheating" threads and I have no advice to give any of them. I don't agree with it, that's for sure, but it's not for me to say anything since I don't know what's going on in those lives. I feel some sympathy for all since it's messy and emotional etc., but mostly for the one who's being cheated on. I think people deserve to be treated cleanly, ie, if you're interested in someone else, leave your spouse first. Don't drag your **** into their lives.

I think adultery has always been there in probably the same numbers as now; it's just that we are more open to talking about it.

A recent thread probably caused this outburst since she seemed to flaunt her affair with the married man, asking for help in where to conduct it and seemed quite unconcerned about the man's wife and children. That's over the top, in my opinion, not to mention extremely distasteful.

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Infidelity Makes Me ILL

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