My ex is an a$$

This was his family, right? Can you just bring it up over dishes or dinner... Did you get to see so and so (a cousin her age or something) and how are they doing? What's Aunt so and so doing now that she isn't at such and such job? That kind of thing, just casual inquiry into their trip. If they want to share more they will. By being calm and together about it, you can let them know it's okay to talk about and that you aren't going to freak out.

If they do mention the sleeping arrangements, breath deep and say something like "Oh. Were you okay with that?" or "How did you feel about that?" Try to avoid "Did that make you feel uncomfortable" or similar language that suggests how you think they should have felt so they can tell you themselves.

No matter how much you wanna smack him upside the head, just remember you can't in real life.

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Quote:

No matter how much you wanna smack him upside the head, just remember you can't in real life.

_________________

[CODE]

Darn!

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While he was in the process of moving out he said that he was expecting to see all of his stuff thrown out on the front lawn. That hurt my feelings, it suggests that I'm the type of person that would be malicious. I mean really, I didn't even scrub the toilet with his toothbrush.
Hindsite is 20/20

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martybarker wrote:

While he was in the process of moving out he said that he was expecting to see all of his stuff thrown out on the front lawn. That hurt my feelings, it suggests that I'm the type of person that would be malicious. I mean really, I didn't even scrub the toilet with his toothbrush.
Hindsite is 20/20

You got that right, sister! Laughing

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Hmmmmm.

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Gawd, that is SO selfish. I felt uncomfortable sleeping in the adjoining room to my dad and HIS girlfriend (who turned out to be his wife without my knowing for a while....).

There were so many different ways to sort out that sleeping arrangement. Why couldn't HER son have slept in their room and YOUR daughter slept with her brother? Or even the girlfriend and her son in one room and your kids with their dad?? At least they would've got some alone time with him without her.

Maybe you should sit down with your kids (maybe with ice-cream or something equally as yummy/a treat Razz

) and ask them how the holiday went/how they felt. Ask them how they feel about their dad and if they're getting on with him/the new girlfriend. At least that would give them the opportunity to raise any issues they have.

Tell them that if they ever have any problems/worries they'd like you to discuss with their dad you'd be happy to, just to know that they're happy. Reassure them that you won't make it seem like a personal thing coming from them, that you'll just tell their dad you've heard them talking about such and such and that you're worried that he's making THEM feel bad/uncomfortable.

Not wanting to tell you how to raise your kids or anything, you sound like a great mum, this is just what I'd have wanted my mum to say to me when I was still in an awkward position with my step-mum and was scared to say anything to my dad.

-Instead of telling me what a bitch my dad's new girlfriend was and what a dickhead he was. That really spoiled my relationship with both of them.

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Marty- So far everyone, including me, has alluded to the idea that your daughter may be uncomfortable sleeping in the same room with her dad and his girlfriend. I have been thinking about this for awhile, and I think that uncomfortable is much too mild a word.

Your daughter is smack dab in the middle of adolescence, dealing with her raging hormones. Now she sees her father, who has left her mother, sleeping in the same bed with a woman, who is not his wife, who is a stranger to her. Personally, I think that being forced into a situation like this could be very traumatic for her. She is dealing with her own sexuality, and is developing her own feelings about relationships. What do you think that this situation is doing to her?

I would suspect that, unless you never had a communicative relationship with your daughter in the past, that she is not discussing it with you because the entire issue has brought up too many conflicts for her.

I had also thought about what other members had mentioned. Why the hell couldn't your husband have slept with the boys, and the gf slept with your daughter? It would not have been the greatest situation, but was certainly better than what happened.

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She told us why, Phoenix. Her ex is an *** hole.

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eoe wrote:

She told us why, Phoenix. Her ex is an *** hole.

I don't give a crap if he is the entire length of an intestine. Let him keep his assholedness to himself. I think that he is being abusive to her kids, and as a mother who is duty bound to protect her children, she should not permit it.

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Interesting- The word that was bleeped was a*s*s*h*o*l*e*dness, which isn't really a word.

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Hmmmm as well.

I dont see it as that much of a problem if they slept in the same room. Its not like they were having sex, all they did was sleep (i hope). use the bathroom individually to change into night wear and its not so different to a sleepover with friends.

Perhaps a little more thought would have been appropriate like consulting daughter on her feelings about the situation but worse things have happened.

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When I turned the tables and asked him how he'd feel if I did the same thing his reply was" Well let me put it this way, what would you do if you went camping?" I immediately said" Two tents"
I don't understand why he couldn't have her and her son stay in the other room. And if they are truely engaged why he hasn't talked with the kids.
I think the best way to describe how I feel is utter disappointment. I am so disappointed that I chose this prick to father my children.

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I know, marty, but he is their father and he needs to remember that. Of course he could have had his gf and her son in another room. Or, he might have had a 'he room' and a 'she room'. I agree with Phoenix. To sleep with his gf next to his 15 year old daughter is outrageous. Hell, I'm outraged and I don't even know you people!

I know you don't want to piss him off because of how he might react, but if this were my ex, I would have his ass back in court.

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As far as going back to court. I think I definitely need to consider this if he continues this type of behavior. Here's my hesitation....
When he left it was incredibly hurtful, I went into a pretty bad depression and panic. I seriously didn't see any of this coming. I had no family here and all of our mutual friends avoided me like the plague. So because of my emotional state, he felt it better to not communicate directly as I would just cry at the sound of his voice. So we email every concern about the kids.
However, he makes considerably more money than I do. As a matter of fact, he brings in more income monthly than I do combined with the child support he gives. So when my son needed glasses he agreed to pay for it. He gave me money for a school trip to NYC/DC with the kids.
So, although he is required to give me a certain amount of money every month, here and there if I ask he'll help me pay for extra things for the kids.
So, lawyers are expensive and I don't want his generousity to stop. But the kids do come first in my eyes, and if it is the best thing for them I will pursue it. I just want to make sure that I do the right thing in handling this.

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I dunno. I'm thinking back to childhood and my Dads behavior. I knew it was wrong, and I didn't take on those values because I had better examples to follow from extended family. I worked it all out eventually. If my Mom had been there to try to protect me from experiencing his shiningans I don't know how things would have been different. I was younger than your kids and knew what was going on without anyone having to address it with me.

At their current ages I try to let my kids have their own relationship with each parent. If there is a problem I might ask a few questions to make them think about how they might respond or what it is exactly that bothered them and why. I can't control his behavior, words or actions and they have a base value system to determine for themselves what is right wrong or acceptable / not acceptable. This has been since they were at least as young as your kids, not just now that they are 16 and 18.

If I were to feel compelled to put myself in the middle of that relationship (which I have a few times) I would try to figure out first: Why do I feel it necessary? Do I have my own agenda? What is different about this situation from others where I have allowed the kids to work it out with Dad? Is the kid involved capable of working it out on their own? Why or why not and how can I address that, rather than stepping in? Would that be more beneficial to all involved? blah, blah, blah. And, of course I'm not talking about not protecting them from physical or emotional abuse - that would be a whole different story.

Does any of that make sense?

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martybarker wrote:

So when my son needed glasses he agreed to pay for it. He gave me money for a school trip to NYC/DC with the kids.
So, although he is required to give me a certain amount of money every month, here and there if I ask he'll help me pay for extra things for the kids.
So, lawyers are expensive and I don't want his generousity to stop.

He's not doing you any favors. These are HIS KIDS. He's supposed to buy HIS SON glasses and pay for the school trips. He's not being generous. He's taking care of HIS KIDS.

Both of you need to get that straight.

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martybarker wrote:

As far as going back to court. I think I definitely need to consider this if he continues this type of behavior. Here's my hesitation....
When he left it was incredibly hurtful, I went into a pretty bad depression and panic. I seriously didn't see any of this coming. I had no family here and all of our mutual friends avoided me like the plague. So because of my emotional state, he felt it better to not communicate directly as I would just cry at the sound of his voice. So we email every concern about the kids.
However, he makes considerably more money than I do. As a matter of fact, he brings in more income monthly than I do combined with the child support he gives. So when my son needed glasses he agreed to pay for it. He gave me money for a school trip to NYC/DC with the kids.
So, although he is required to give me a certain amount of money every month, here and there if I ask he'll help me pay for extra things for the kids.
So, lawyers are expensive and I don't want his generousity to stop. But the kids do come first in my eyes, and if it is the best thing for them I will pursue it. I just want to make sure that I do the right thing in handling this.

marty - I understand exactly where you're coming from. I don't want to go into details, but I really do understand. But you need to toughen up because what you're terming "generosity" is actually "duty." He has a moral duty to his children to provide not only for their support, but also for all the other things like glasses (which are a necessity) and school trips. These are the kinds of expenses that parents have to pay for if they are able. He is able.
He owes you and your children. Since he left you, he is the one that should be groveling, not YOU.
YOU should be making the decisions regarding the kids, what they need and to what they should be exposed.
YOU are their mother. YOU are the custodial parent. YOU are far more important in their lives than he is, because you are the one taking care of their daily needs.
He should have very little say since they are well above the age where they can be dragged anywhere they don't want to be dragged.

Personally I think if the kids want to spend time with their father, then THEY should plan the outings, and he if doesn't want to participate then they will see him for what he really is. It may open their eyes.

marty, you need to GET MAD! Don't take his **** anymore!

He screwed you over. Not the other way around.

jmho whew!

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eoe - lol, we said basically the same thing at the same time! GMTA :wink:

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If my ex wasn't dead, I'd swear we shared the same ex, Marty! well, except for the paying child support and giving me money for our son. My ex never gave me anything willingly, except of course for abuse, torment and heartache!

My ex didn't leave me, but 2 weeks after I threw him out, he had a new girlfriend, which he did the same thing with out 5 year old. My son became so angry, it took me days to get him back to normal after his visits with dickless dad! My blood boils just thinking about it!

Boy, your daughter is nothing like I was when I was 15, because if that was my dad, I would have told him a thing or two and I wouldn't have pulled any punches.

That would have hurt the hell out of me to see my dad in bed with someone other than my mom and it's extremely selfish for your ex to put your kids in this position!

What an azzhole!

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My ex is an a$$

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