Absolutely, Eva... sigh, what were we thinking??
The other thing, sweettart, that I wanted to point out is that if you've got the kids, you're paying more for living expenses than he is - more wear and tear on your car, more for a 2 or 3 bedroom place, more for utilities, food, etc... that's what the monthly support is for... it's not for fun things, so if you don't ask for fun money, your kids will be shortchanged. Well, and so will you. Who's going to pay for the babysitter if you want to go out, or what if you want to take them on a holiday? Get a lawyer!
(BTW, supposedly, most men hook up with someone within a YEAR of their break up! Whereas women... who knows, but I suspect a woman with kids would have a harder time of it!)
Depends on how old the kids are, I think.
How old are your kids, sweettart?
Teens?
Lots and lots of expense.
sweettheart--
Thanks for the kind words.
I strongly agree about getting a lawyer.
My crystal ball says that your soon-to-be-ex-husband is not going to want to pay for anything that he can't control completely--including the kids.
Yes, he's going to howl and fuss and carry on about you being so thoughtless and unfeeling that you're getting a lawyer instead of agreeing to a civilized divorce (which would be on whatever terms he chose to set--or change).
After all, if he had custody, wouldn't he want to be sure that the Child Support didn't depend on your mood of the moment?
You spoke of enduring one more week. Does he actually have a place to go? Has he started packing?
Hold your dominion.
Yeah, eoe, but not very many years. :wink: And, after all, most of the available men in her age group would probably have children, too.
I'd think a lot of teens would be more understanding than younger children about a divorced parent wanting to "hook up"...since that's what most of them are trying to do, too.
Hmm..."her age group"...y'know, I've probably been assuming sweettart's younger than she actually is. If she has teenagers, she must be what? In her 40s? I guess that's old enough to know what she's doing. Sorry if I've been too patronizing, sweettart.
Ha! He would never pay for a babysitter so that I could go out. He would think of that as paying me to have sex.
Yes, they are teenagers so I have a lot more food and auto insurance to pay for and they are all due for dental check ups but I think he will not pay more for those things to me. He would be more agreeable to giving it to the kids when they need it so that I do not have it in my hands since he thinks I can not manage money well. If he does not do so if they ask him then they will decide for themselves what to think of that. I know that one will not ever ask him and he will not ever offer since they have not gotten along for a couple of years and he said some very hurtful things that made her feel rejected by him.
He makes a little more than I do but it is not all recorded and would be hard to prove his income. Since it looks like on paper I make more because I put all of my check in the bank and he does not, I do not think the court would give me more.
I do not have money for a lawyer since I have had to pay for the utilities and deposits to be in my name but I will write down what we have agreed to and have both of us sign it with a notary. We might be able to pay a lawyer a little bit to make sure what we agreed to is legal and filed.
Isn't there a legal aid system in your state?
Also, even one appointment with a competent attorney is a good investment.
I do not think legal aid would consider me to be in a hardship with my income at + $35 per year. I just do not have the thousands at one time required by a lawyer. I do hear you though and will see what I can do to make sure we are protected.
I would just like to say that it is good to have your feedback and support. I do not have that it real life. I know I keep saying thank you. I just really mean it.
Alright sweettart...if you can get him to sign an agreement and have it notarized, that is better than nothing, I suppose. But still, it would be best to let a judge decide on what he can afford to pay you. Sounds like you may have no idea, really, just how much your husband makes or what he does with his money.
Remember, if you are declared the children's legal guardian, child support comes to you. Not to them.
I wish you all the best.
Yes, he has a place to go and has started packing. I think two boxes is considered "started packing."
Yes, I am in my 40's. Do not worry. You were not patronizing, Eva. I should have known what I was doing a long time ago.
Yes, my youngest has already suggested his friends Dad to me who is also divorced, cute and stable. I am no where near ready for that!
Yes, I know how much he makes. It just does not have a paper trail since it is often cash an does not get deposited.
No, I do not know where it all goes.
Perhaps you can find a book on Divorce and get yourself prepared for what flies in your State. Here, you can obtain a divorce with consent but child support is something the State determines. Maybe you have family court or some other avenue that can help you.
I know you are ready for the split, but don't be shortsighted about child support. He could jump into another relationship and with his new partner punish you for being the bad guy. I wish I had a nickel for everytime I heard someone promise they would make sure their children were taken care of. Years ago we lived next door to a couple with two girls, each from a previous marriage. The husband died from a heart attack while his daughter was still a minor, and the second wife tried to send her back to her mother, and when the mother refused to take her, it was off to foster care. It was a wake-up call for me, and I made sure my will and insurance were adequate to take care of my son.
I know that sounds morbid, but if your children are minors they might need to be protected by his social security in the event he gets hit by the bus.
Traditionally there are three parts of a divorce: dividing possessions, child support and determining who has official physical custody.
Lately in PA the schools have been wanting proof of official physical custody. Too many kids have been snatched by the non-custodial parent, frequently one who is tired of paying child support and who doesn't care about the kids, only the money.
He moved out last week. I do not think he was cheating now. I do not think he will ever know what he did and said that led us here because he thinks it is all my fault and that is okay. I do not think it matters anymore.
Thank you everyone again for listening and giving me good advice. You helped a lot.
Sweettart--
From here on in your life will be easier in the long term, but a little rocky during the transistion period.
Physical separation is not going to make your soon-to-be-ex husband a docile, generous, less controlling man.
Feel free to visit and vent.
Hold your dominion.
