When I'm Accused Does That Mean He's Cheating?

Sweet of ya, Bear, but I'm done with coddling men esp. High Maintenance ones!

Mame--

I agree. Low maintainance, part-time men have great appeal.

s'okay I'm not insulted. Just trying to help. Care Bear and all. :wink:

sweettart, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through all this crapola. Yes, I know there are two sides to every story, but from what you've described, your husband sounds like an immature, bratty control freak. I'm glad your getting out of this situation!

To be honest, I thought you were going to say that he was physically abusive too, because his behavior sounds like someone who is revving up for that. Men who abuse their wives typically isolate them first, and try to control every aspect of their lives. Thank God it didn't come to that! (His behavior is still scary though!)

I think Noddy had some good advice about not discussing him with your kids. If your husband wants to play that game, that's his problem. I bet it'll get old fast with your kids. Some day, when your kids are grown, they'll realize who the mature parent was, and they'll respect you for it.

In the meantime, take care of yourself, and try to not worry too much. Best wishes to you!

I second all that Stray Cat says...

Sweettart--

Have you finished your exams yet? Will you be taking classes this fall?

As much as I loved my father, when he and my mother split up for the last time, he tried to badmouth her to me and I finally had to respectfully get in his ass about it. My mother was a class act and never resorted to such foolishness and I have always held a deep respect for her about that because she certainly had plenty of mud to fling. A hell of a lot more than him, that's for damn sure.

I do not discuss what is happening with the kids. If they ask I just tell them we are working things out and that I do not want them to worry or to feel like they have to take sides because even though they are affected it is between us and I will do the best thing for all of us.

eoe, I am glad to know that your mother did the right thing. I would not want my kids to not respect their father but I have had to come to the decision that I can not make them do that. It is hard because I was raised to respect my parents but I know respect is earned and can not be demanded.

Stray Cat, lucky for me he is not dumb and would not do something that would get himself in trouble. He knows I would not let him get by with physical abuse and that would mess up his good guy image if people found out.

We did talk about how to divide up the bills last night. I think that went well. He will pay what is in his name and I will pay what is in my name even though there are some medical bills that are in my name that have lingered with minimal payments for over a year. I do not care. It will be good to just have him gone so the kids and I can get back to living with out all of the tension and for me to not have to pretend any more and just be me.

Noddy24, there is a lot to learn. The School of Hard Knocks recently sent me a brochure. I think I will instead see what the community college has to offer.

Sweettart--

School of Hard Knocks? Commencement will come, but I agree that the local community college would be more restful.

I've mentioned this before on A2K.

Recently I received another long list of puns and funnys, but one remark was witty enough to be worth hanging onto.

Life takes its toll--keep loose change handy.

I wish I could e-mail you a roll of quarters.

Hold your dominion.

I am holding, Noddy24. Only one more week!

Oh, wow. I just found this thread, and it all sounds too, too familiar. I was in your place many years ago, sweettart.

From the sound of it, my ex and your soon-to-be-ex could be the same person. Except that my ex would be in his 50s by now. You live in Kansas, huh? I'm in Oklahoma. Last I heard, my ex was somewhere in the DFW area, but that was years ago. I wonder if he started some kind of training program for would-be Controlling Husbands. Your guy sounds like he could have taken lessons from him. (Except that these guys never learn anything.)

I hope you have a good lawyer. You'll need it.

Thank you Eva. It is good to know there are people that have come through the same thing. I do not have money for an attorney. I am hoping I will not need one. He said he would not get one and we will just file for divorce. I am so happy to be rid of him soon that I do not care what he takes or how hard it is for me and the children with finances. We will still be happy to not have him saying and doing things that hurt and keep us from living good lives.

I'm glad to hear that things are getting underway, sweettart. Hang in there! Keep your sense of humor too. It will help you get through. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

Uh oh. This is the mistake that so many women make. It is so tempting to dismiss the importance of assets when you're on the threshold of freedom. It's a commonly known truth that men suffer more psychologically when going through a divorce, but women suffer more financially. The thing is, several years later the man has recovered emotionally, but the woman often never recovers financially.

You have to understand something, sweettart. This is critically important, please listen carefully.

You and the children WILL NEED...and DESERVE...at least half of you and your husband's combined assets. If you won't insist on it for your sake, insist on it for the sake of your children. It will make a big difference in the kind of life and opportunities you can give them.

Your husband has controlled the finances up to now, and this insistence on avoiding legal representation is just another obvious attempt by him to control the money. Without representation, you and the children will forever be dependent on him to decide how much (if any) support he pays and how often (or not.) Without representation, he gets to decide what is yours and what is his. That is not fair! Not to you, and not to your kids. Don't let him get away with it!!!

The unfortunate fact is, once people decide to divorce, it quickly becomes every man for himself. The bonds that made him consider your welfare are broken. He has no reason to consider your future now, and believe me, he will be perfectly capable of playing the martyr while screwing you to the wall. I know this from personal experience.

You MUST talk to a lawyer. NOW!!!

We do not have assets to divide except household things. We used to but we filed bankruptcy a few years ago and are just now getting finances back in order. He has work equipment he has to have and is taking but he is leaving most of the furniture.

Someone at work mentioned to me that I should have a fair trade agreement or something like that so that whatever I make or buy after we separate and whatever he makes or buys will not be considered joint property before the divorce is final. They also said it keeps each other from being responsible for each others debts that may come after separation but before the divorce decree.

Does anyone know about this?

Yes! This is something an attorney will work out for you. Assets aren't the only things that have to be worked out in a divorce.

When I divorced, there were very few assets (a car, some furniture) and many debts. It was a good thing my lawyer had foreseen the need for a legal agreement, because within 6 months after the divorce my ex stopped paying whatever bills he deemed were "no longer his responsibility." Fortunately, I had a legal document proving to creditors that he had agreed to assume those debts. Otherwise, my credit rating would have been ruined.

You need this protection, sweettart. As it is, you can be held financially responsible for all debts created by your husband until the day you divorce. You need a legal document that states exactly who is responsible for which debts.

You will also need a legal document regarding child support. There is no way around it.

PLEASE do not assume that your soon-to-be-ex-husband will look out for your interests!!! Those days are gone!

Amen. Listen to someone who's been there. It's the smartest thing to do and a few pages back, you promised us that you would be smart.

We're all rooting for you, sweettart. That you and your kids can come out of this as healthy and unscathed as possible.

Legal advice is the best... I was in your situation and so happy to get out that I gave him the house, didn't ask for child support, and didn't get one thing except for my car and furniture. You may be entitled to half his pension, as well (we are up here). You should also not just get child support, but you should ask for him to pay for extras, like clothes, lessons, summer camps, orthodontics, etc. Or at least share in those expenses. Your kids are not just going to eat and sleep. Everything adds up!

I know you want out in a bad way but do NOT shortchange yourself or your children. They are entitled to the same standard of living they would have had had you remained together. Do them a favour, at least, and seek legal counsel - and get a shark!

I'm going through another separation right now and believe me I will not be that stupid this time.

That sounds so familiar, Mame.

At the time I divorced (in my mid-20s), my husband was finally making a very good salary. I, on the other hand, had dropped out of college to help with his grad school expenses. My lawyer strongly recommended that I ask for "rehabilitative alimony" to pay for completing my college education so I could adequately support myself. But I was alone and anxious to cut all ties with my ex. (sigh) If I'd had kids, though, I definitely would have done it. This may be something that sweettart should look into.

I know it's hard to imagine right now, sweettart, but in a few years your soon-to-be-ex will probably have a whole new life, and his current priorities will be old history. You need to safeguard your children's future. And it has to be done legally.